My Memory...

Baggages

2012-02-03T04:54:00.002+08:00

Hello all, for those who are surprised to see this post, after a many year hiatus.

I have been doing good; it's just that I've been lazy in writing new things, though occasionally the feeling of writing comes, like now.

I have been pretty much the same in character...nothing much changed, still the melancholic person and hence that kind of posts you'll probably be seeing in the future.

I don't quite remember writing much when I was in college. I was initially enthusiastic and all excited about my new college, TARC. Switching from Sunway College to TARC really was a beautiful experience, all beginning from the friendlier people to the feel of a real campus life. All those good first impression slowly turned into an attachment, pretty much like what I previously had for my high school. Strangely, back in those days, I didn't feel a need to immortalise the memories I gained there into writing.

I kind of regretted that, actually. Though I still remember much of the memories, but I'm also sure that much beautiful memories are lost through time. I graduated from TARC in June 2010. It's now February 2012...nearing to two years since I graduated.

Sometimes, I do marvel at how the one and a half years there, as compared to the greater amount of time passed, made such an impression onto me, as if it was a large chunk of memory shadowing over something so tiny (the longer amount of time that passed).

I miss college very much. I miss it so much. There will be no going back, I know.

And these are some of the baggages that we would carry with us throughout life. Some memories fade with time, some being overshadowed by more meaningful memories. But this is a particularly beautiful one that I would want to keep forever. I am sure everyone has such a memory...and you would know which is yours if you have a memory that you wouldn't mind repeating your life in there for an eternity, if there was a chance.

I guess this would be a short post. I hope to be back writing, though I cannot be sure if it will be consistent. However, what I do know is that this blog will always be here, stagnant it may be, but it will always be here.

My Pasts

2009-06-28T17:07:00.001+08:00

Sunday, 28/06/09

In my past nineteen years of being Kean Lee, of my eyes witnessing so many things before me, I have grown so much, learnt so much, and experienced so many things that have made the personality I, Kean Lee, has today. And it is because of these different things that we experience everyday, it is only natural they make little changes in us as time goes on.

This year alone, with the passing of almost seven months, occurred to me turning points in life that have made me learnt so many new things. And just moments ago, I reflected on the Kean Lee one year ago, and the Kean Lee at this very moment, and saw that the two images are no longer alike. They are now irrelevant, incomparable states of happiness. The personality of me a year ago lives a life that is dependent on my pasts, and I live in my memories that I keep so very close to my heart. But now, I am no longer like that. Now I’m living a life dependable on the present moment, and it seems that my history isn’t anymore for me, a reason to keep living, but rather it now becomes a teacher that guides me whenever I encounter the same problems.

Because of this, today, I have decided to dissolve the attachment that I have for my pasts. It is not that I’m still clinging on to this attachment before today, because in fact, since the very moment that I started to think of Carmille when I return home from college, that was already the beginning where I started to drop my clinging to my pasts. But it is today, that I make myself clear to my very self, that I completely allow the strings holding-on to my pasts to be released.

Although I have always known and been told that I should be living in this present moment rather than the past or the future, it has been hard for me before this, because of the attachment I have for my pasts. But now that I have something on to hold-on to, and it has taken priority over my pasts that I start my reason of living because of this love I have for Carmille, my pasts now become irrelevant in my life. And I’m very, very happy that I love Carmille so very much.

This post probably marks the beginning of a lesser frequency of me blogging because… I’m going to move into my college’s hostel today.

There are many reasons of me moving into hostel. But the two main reasons is because I would want to spend more time with Carmille, because she, too, lives in the hostel, and also that I want to have a greater focus on my academic studies. These two reasons may seem contradicting, but because of my priorities, both of us have devised that studying together will bring us both closer together, and at the same time, helping one another out in our academics.

I know to many, the news of me moving into hostel comes a shocking news. But the part that I, Kean Lee, have got to play is big. There are many considerations, compromises, and sacrifices that I have made to come to this decision. And it has occasionally come to me the selfish thought that I hope she would realise the things that I have done, but I would always remind myself that, that isn’t the point, and it is selfish to even have thought about it, because it should be that as long as she’s happy, that would in turn make me happy. It’s not a matter of hoping that she will realise things or understand, but it matters most that I understand her. In this explanation, it may seem that I am always defending her and neglecting myself, but I hold the belief that love is about tolerance and understanding, and there have been many moments that I haven’t been very understanding or thoughtful towards her feelings, too, that she must have also felt neglected by me, too.

Even to me, occasionally, like the above, my thoughts and thinking can somewhat become very complicated, and trying to iron it out can become a very daunting task. But there is this one thing that we always forget when we face complicated situations like these, that is, as long as both of us love each other with all our heart, we would be able to sail through even the most treacherous trench without a wobble.

I really do love Carmille very, very much.

Loving with All I Can

2009-06-21T00:28:00.001+08:00

Saturday, 20/06/09

“Dear… dear…… dear………” she called out to me softly, while I was dreaming away.
“Mmm…?” I turned to look at her when I realised that she was calling me, and smiled at her with love, then held on to her hands.
She looked me in the eyes with a really beautiful and soft gaze. She paused. “I love you…” she said to me.
My heart mellowed at that very instant upon hearing those words from her, I felt as if nothing else in the world mattered anymore, except for her, and that moment of us together. “I love you too” I said to her.

This isn’t the first time that we voiced out words of affection towards one another, but whenever we do, it always, always, touches my heart.

There are still many things that I’ve done with her, which is a memory of us experiencing it for the first time in our relationship, such as the beginning of our relationship, the first time we held hands together, and the first time we hugged, that I’ve yet to put it down here, in words, so that I’ll never forget these first-time moments. But it also is likely that it’ll not show up in this blog, because it is to us, a memory that only both of us are supposed to know; a memory so pure, so beautiful… and personal.

Yes, it is true that, a relationship is another thing added to your life. But to me, it is one of the most, most important thing in my life, that I want to put my whole-self in it.

Love as if you’ve never loved before. Love with all your heart. Because if you put all your heart in a love, your heart will be so moved, that sometimes you’ll cry, not because you’re sad, but because you can physically, and emotionally feel that your heart is so immensely filled with feelings of love and comfort. And this is what I’m feeling now, so on the verge of tears, because I feel so touched by the love I have for Carmille. I want to love her with every part in me, and with everything that I’ve got.

Today marks the ninth time that we went out together. It seems that in every time that we go out together, it is beautifully different, that we go to different places, or that we experience new things… and in every time, it is a different memory, etched so deeply in our hearts.

Place in my heart

2009-06-14T12:07:00.000+08:00

Sunday, 14/06/09

Helloes blog. I’m starting to wonder that if you’re losing a place in my heart because of a very special person who appeared in my life just recently. Even with the many things spilled in words, onto you, but it seems that I have been more open with her, and telling her more things than writing in this blog. And although she is someone who I will run when I need a person to seek solace in, this blog also still remains this place that offers just a listening ear, giving no advice, no comments, and no replies, whenever I seek solace in this blog.

Kean Lee, there are many things I want to remind you about, because even so as you know, and as much as you try to keep these virtues close to heart, but when these things come to you, you seem to lose yourself.

First is that I should have a very understanding mind. I find myself wondering into the different reasons of some things that I expect, but don’t turn out as I expect it to become. For instance, I would expect a person to do something, but that person doesn’t do it at all, only to make me sit there, wondering of why that person didn’t do that certain thing. It is mind-boggling. But as I realise my silliness, I am remembered that the reason I feel all uneasy and unsettled when someone disappoints me is because I have put in too much hope. I need to remind myself that people don’t always do things in ways that I would expect it, because they have their own reasons to it. That person might be busy, that’s why that person didn’t reply to my text message. I don’t have to get all cooked-up about this…

Second, is that I should do things in moderation. Founding something that I like and grown an attachment so strong towards it, shouldn’t mean that I spend all my time with that particular subject. In life, there are many things. And out of these many things in life, there are only a very few that appear to us as our priorities. I feel that there are a few priorities that I have been paying less attention that supposed to, as of late. And it is high time that I see myself falling back into position of where I’m supposed to be, before I lose myself.

Third, is that I should worry less, and have trust. Having expectations and hopes, causes me to expect for certain things to happen, as though these things that I expect is something of nature that will happen naturally, and this forces me to worry about why and the reasons if some things do not turn out as I thought it would be. This point ties well with the first point in the above, but are two separate entities of qualities that I need to reinforce in myself. Have trust Kean Lee, it is the full-stop to all doubts. It is the essence to a relationship.

And as for now, I’m feeling frustrated of some petty things, that I wonder why should I even feel negative about things life this. I really need to be strong as I have always been, getting back on my two feet, fighting together with Carmille in a life that’s full of challenges, and that will build a bond between me and her, so inseparable till the end of time.

Feelings from every moment

2009-06-11T04:34:00.000+08:00

Thursday, 11/06/09

And in these moments of the early morning when I’m feeling tired, I close my eyes, and with a calming background music, I am drifted away, drowned in feelings that makes me feel so peaceful, so much warmth… an unspeakable feeling of beauty that goes deep down into my soul.

Carmille went for a camp today, and would only be back this Saturday. She’s not allowed her mobile during this four-day camp, which makes me so love-sick of her. But two people, although physically apart, but hearts so deeply touched by one another’s and so greatly bonded, behaves so much like two minds alike, being able to feel the feelings of the other person who’s far apart, like telepathy.

And it is only in these times of the night where everyone’s asleep, and surrounding’s so quiet, while I’m in solitude, with a tinge of tiredness in my mind, sets me in this melancholic mood where feelings will flow in me, allowing me to write and express my emotions.

I can write in different ways, expressing my feelings in different ways, and there seems so much of feelings in me now, yet I can’t find the right words to describe every of those feelings. But the only thing I can put into words now, is that, I miss Carmille very, very much, now. And this, is the feeling of love conjures in us, a bittersweet feeling… to love, and to miss a person so very much.

I hope that she enjoys her four-day camp there, eat well, and sleep well. And wherever she is, Kean Lee tags along just next to her, spiritually. I am thinking a lot of her, and wonder if she thinks a lot about me, too.

To Love

2009-06-07T23:56:00.003+08:00

Sunday, 07/06/09

“Do you know what’s the reason we love a person??” I asked.
“Is there… a reason??” she replies, thinking.
“Yes, there is. It’s because we want that person to be happy…”

These past few weeks, I’ve been feeling so very happy. That’s because I’m in love. And being able to, once again, experience love, is a feeling… so soft, so calming, and a deeply touching… that can only be really felt by two hearts together.

And it can really bring me down at times, when she’s not feeling at her best. Rather than the common responsibility, it is that of willingness out of love, that I would try my best to get her all jovial and bubbly again.

And there are many times, I feel that I’m worrying too much, especially when she’s not at her best spirits, that I will just step aside, asking my very self that if I’m just being too much, or just working too hard, thinking of what to do. But no, I remind myself, that this isn’t any sort of work, nor will I ever see it as an obligation, but rather… love. Because there isn’t anything to why about when both people are together.

Because I love her, I would fight for us together, I would do everything, and I’ll be there for her, forever… and the reason is because, I want her to be happy. That will in turn, give me happiness.

Words will always remain as words. Even as I try to express my feelings in words, it always seems an effort too meaningless. It takes more than reading to understand the things I write. It takes the heart.

Getting to Know Deeper…

2009-06-07T23:56:00.001+08:00

Thursday, 04/06/09

Though we see so many people walking around the bustling street, but every single person you see, has got a story to tell. Even a boy like me, have gone though enough experiences to tell a story that will drown you in awe about some things that you have not even thought about.

I am attracted to my partner because of who she is. And, she is a reflective person, which is something we have in common. And remembering that every single person has got so much history to share, I am naturally curious to know what had happened in the past eighteen years in her life.

And when we see a person, it is always that surface-level of personality we see. What’s hidden underneath lies a personality and story that will make us awe-stuck. Reading Carmille’s blog entries of the past, explained me the reasons of some things I noticed about her since some time ago. And it’s these little details that make the inner personality of a person, and it’s these intricate details that we ought to know about our life partners.

To know the whole inner personality of a person, is to me, something that will take lots of time, lots of commitment, and is something so beautifully rewarding. It is this that bonds two people to be inseparable at heart. And what we realise after all, is that it is these little things that we remember of a person.

Leaving May

2009-06-04T00:59:00.000+08:00

Wednesday, 03/06/09

And it is now the month of June. And I reluctantly let the month of May slip away into another memory.

But the only difference that separates last month of May, and all the previous months that gone-by, would be that what I’ve gone through. And what I’ve gone though was so much of a beautiful memory, that when I close my eyes, I would be so dazzled beyond words, to put it down here.

The month of May. In that most favourite month of mine, happened something so magical. It was the month where someone mellowed my frozen heart, leading me into seeing what that I have always refused to… and captured my feelings that I always have thought impossible for anyone to do so.

And it was this month of May that just passed, that I got into a relationship, a really beautiful one, with Carmille.

Holding the hands of the person you love so dearly for the first time, evoked such deep feelings inside me; so moving that it seems that everything else didn’t matter anymore. It was so much of love, so much of a feeling of calmness, peace, and comfort.

Hugging one another tightly, smelling her scent… that feeling makes me feel that both of us will never lose one another, tightly bonded to one another, physically, but so much more at heart.

She is the first person who I have ever been in a relationship with, and I will hope that it will be the last, and that we will be together until we part, taking the last breaths of our lives. Being the first also meant making me experience different things of what love can bring us; everything that we both did together, is a first-time experience for me.

And to miss a person so much, with the heart growing fonder with every moment of anticipating the next moment we’ll see each other, makes me appreciate so very much the meaning and feeling of getting to hold her hands, and getting a kiss from her the moment we meet.

For most people, it is usually the first few memories that will be etched in their hearts. But as for me I would want to see that for everything that we’ve gone though, from the beginning till the last day of our breaths, would be a memory that we’ll never forget. I really want to commit myself whole-heartedly into everything I do, so that everything will turn out most perfectly planned, as everything will be beautifully etched in our hearts… forever.

Beginning

2009-05-28T01:34:00.000+08:00

Saturday, 23/05/09

This blog went through so much with me. And for the very few readers who have followed me from my earliest posts all the way till today have seen how things have taken its shape through the course of time. And in this entry, I would show you the truth of how some things just are. And perhaps the writings in this post would humbly challenge your perception about how strong you think you are.

This post marks the beginning of a new story that is unfolding just right here where I’m standing. It marks a beginning of another of my experience that you definitely would not even have expected.

Every blog entry that I have written depicts my personality, character, and behaviour of me. It is those things that make every individual unique. And as much as how well we talk and believe ourselves to be, and how much of those virtues we remind ourselves that we possess, when it comes to practical experience when we get to feel it hands-on, that will be the test of how strong we think we are.

Lately, my life has been transforming drastically, perhaps not in the physical world, but certainly up in my mind. Things happening around me have been testing me of how strong I think I am, and the virtues that I remind myself to uphold. When they say that there is so much to learn in every moment you experience, it would often come a phrase too cliché to me. But it’s only when I experience it, only then I am able to appreciate how true those cliché phrases are to me.

Love brings about attachment. And it is two of these things that will push us to want to be with that other person we think about everyday. For instance, I can love a person so very much, and then after a while, realise that that there is also this great sense of attachment towards this girl. But I, Kean Lee, am a person of monogamy; my personality is conditioned to love only one person, and if I think I have found the right one, it would be that person that I will love, forever. However, I learn that I can grow this sense of attachment so strong towards a girl because I have loved her for such a long time, then after that very long time, begin to feel that the feelings left for her would be more of an attachment, rather than love. That is to say, love can fade, but attachment can still prevail. This attachment that has grown, clouds my feelings, it clouds me from knowing that, the truth is, I do not have feelings for her since some time ago. And the reason I can still feel attachment is still prevailing in my heart, would be because of the monogamous personality I have, of only wanting to have feelings for a person. And in this example I have quoted, I’m referring to loving a person in silence for such a long time, and not getting to be with her.

Question falls on that if we should still keep this attachment if our love has faded. My answer would be that it is impractical to continue holding on to this attachment, because even if I’m monogamous, it is a fact that I now realise I have, for some time, lost my feelings for her, but it is that the attachment of me towards her that deceives me into believing that I still love her. There is no point lying to myself that I still like her, after realising that I have actually lost my feelings for her.

I haven’t been seeing Voon Pang for such a long time. I must admit that I have been putting in too much effort in trying to know what she is doing, and how she is doing in school. I am very glad of myself that I could sustain such feelings for her over this long span of time. But I realise that the things I said such as things like these will last forever, is not entirely true. And the biggest contributor to this lost of feelings would be that I couldn’t have any contact with her for such a long time, and that naturally fades my feelings. And I have said that love can still live even though you know you can never be with that person. And that is true. But it’s just that for everything we do, there are conditions attached to it. We cannot take things too literally as what it presents to us to be. I still believe that love can still continue to be there until the day we pass away, even if we know we can never with that person we love, but there are always conditions attached to this statement. And in this case of my feelings for Voon Pang, the condition and reason would be that, I have not seen her and we’ve not been in contact with each other for such a long time, and that I realised that my grown attachment towards her have clouded my feelings for her, that the feelings have already been slowly fading. And when so much of it fades, I would finally realise that it leaves me only a shell of attachment, but with no filling of love inside it. This is why I think it is pointless to continue on with only an empty shell.

And cold hard truths are often painful to accept, because we are so persistent in wanting to hold on to our own beliefs. My belief taught me the nature of impermanence, and everything is subjected to impermanence; nothing lasts forever. I thought my love would be an exception. But I now see how real this cold truth hits me hard on my head, that love, too, is impermanent. It is compared to passion to fire, and a flame of fire eventually burns out, so as passion will eventually fade; the only thing that separates a strong passion and a faded passion is time. But my belief also taught me the solution towards this problem is that I need to sustain it, if I want to keep it alive. I would need something to sustain this feeling of me for Voon Pang, but it is most regrettable and unfortunate for me to say that I am unable to keep it going, because I have not keeping in contact with her fails to fuel my feelings for her.

A relationship is something that I often remind myself not to dive into too quickly. I can repeat that to myself many times, but when reality strikes, it is an all different matter together. It takes time for two people to grow a great sense of love before getting together. That is a foundation that is so crucial beyond words, that will reinforce the feelings of two people, so when already in a relationship, the love between two people would be near impossible to come crumbling down. I am monogamous, so naturally, I want a relationship to last till the day my partner and I pass away. That takes a lot of love. And seeing how love is also subjected to impermanence, it can be very challenging to sustain the love over long periods of time. At the same time, I’m taught that I shouldn’t worry about it, but rather use the time worrying to strengthen the relationship between my partner and me to a closer one. This strengthening is the fuel that keeps love burning, and it is love that keeps two people together. This takes commitment, and it is a great part of constant awareness. Henceforth, with the relationship Carmille and I are in, I am ready to see all my experiences I have learnt throughout the many years of my love life, and the contemplative nature of my mind, to bring us together, till the day we take our last breath.

We aren’t that young anymore. Mom and Dad knew each other when they were about nineteen years old, and they were together since then, till today, till I’m born and sitting here in existence, and till the last day when they will take their last breath. It’s not a matter about age, but it’s a matter of maturity of seeing things, of knowing the nature of love, being in constant awareness, and mindfully cultivating it so that it will ever-sustaining.

And Sometimes.

2009-05-19T18:18:00.001+08:00

Tuesday, 19/05/09

To Carmille, if you happen to come across this, this post is written out of feelings at the present moment, and I believe it would do good to you not to read this. But if you must, I really hope you wouldn’t take this to heart.

And here I am once again, seeking solace in the only place where I’m able to entirely pour my feelings into. I’m writing this now with eyes close to tears, hoping that I would feel much better when I’m done writing.

It’s about today; feelings about today. Just a few months ago, the idea that I would write about my college life wouldn’t even have occurred to me, but it seems as of late, I have been very much absorbed into this college of mine. And perhaps, this sparks the beginning of me starting to story-tell stories of my college life.

But perhaps it is because I’m so absorbed into this one particular person, which caused me to grow this sense of attachment towards this place…

The growing of relationship between Carmille and I is progressing at such a rate that, just only in the second post since the mention of her name, I have already regarded her as someone significant in my life. And this degree of relationship have stemmed in me a growing sense of trust and reliance upon her, making me see her as a person dependable for me to tell her my feelings at different moments, and conversations that I wouldn’t have normally have with other people.

(In an unrelated story, at which I should have announced by now, and it is very unfortunate on my behalf to say that Carmille has decided against switching back to my class, and the reasons are pretty complicated that I would spare the details this time.)

It is an attachment. And in this case, this attachment also came with expectations. Because of the various posts she’s holding in the Student Welfare Committee (SWC), she has been bogged down with mountainous loads of work, and I pity her for that. And with the events coming-up this Friday, she had to stay-up late-night yesterday just to complete it. That resulted in her oversleeping this morning, sacrificed the first lecture, and coming into class with a less jovial mood, due to the amount of stress and workload that is bugging her every moment.

When I was in the days of my depression two years back, my parents could sense it. My parents tried with all their efforts to persuade me into telling them my problems. And the last thing I needed to know while suffering a depression is for them to tell me that my mood affects the entire family; that my family’s mood is also being affected negatively, because of me. Returning to today’s story, I could see how this relates to me; Carmille’s moody feelings is also affecting me.

I normally wouldn’t even bat an eye or care to even wonder if it was for someone else’s problems. But Carmille is somebody close to me, and it doesn’t have to be intentional for me to want to worry about her feelings, but it comes to me naturally; I naturally feel worrisome about her problems, because she is someone close to me.

Less of her feelings affecting my feelings, her moodiness today also caused her to respond less enthusiastically to me today. Sensing it, I thought it better to keep my mouth shut, wanting to give her some time to breathe. She already didn’t seem too happy when she entered class today when she replied my smile with a forced one. And for other course-mates in the same Lecture Hall who didn’t get the signal that she’s already feeling so stressed and still tried to play pathetic jokes with her, I just wanted to shout so loudly at them, but held back, because that would only embarrass Carmille.

I believe that is was more of because that we didn’t really talk today, I got pretty upset. Though she really is bogged down with all those workload and stress, I can understand if she loses her temper to others, but I couldn’t see why she wasn’t too animated with me today, given our already close relationship. If I was in her shoes, I would have probably snapped at others who offended me today, but towards someone close to me, it would be as if nothing had happened, and I would treat this person close to me like how I treat him or her everyday. That was perhaps what hurt me the most. I’m angry at myself and blame myself for not being able to successfully console her, to make her all happy again.

And because I didn’t have my breakfast this morning, my stomach just had to rumble so much with air, on top of my already miserable feelings. Then, it was already time for Carmille to attend another class, while my class is having an hour’s break. However, she decided against attending her class, sacrificing that time to give the volunteers a briefing for the coming big event this Friday. That moment itself, my feelings was already so jumbled up, eyes close to tears. We were then in the canteen.

I took out the Mars bar from my bag, which was initially intended to be shared with her, but seeing that she’s busy with giving briefings to the volunteers of my classmates, I lingered a little while longer to see when she would be done, and if possible, ask her if she’s free to share the chocolate with me. I am a volunteer for this Friday, too, but I didn’t want to force myself to understand whatever she’s saying to the other volunteers (because I couldn’t concentrate at that moment), so I thought it was better that she brief me personally at another time. Hence, I was merely standing there, waiting for her to finish her speech.

And after a couple of minutes, I could no longer contain my feelings, I said nothing, grabbed my Mars bar, and just walked away to the direction heading to the toilet, walking at a pace as if I’m really heading towards the toilet, to avoid suspicion. I walked a little distance to a secluded area where there wasn’t anyone to be seen, sat down, and had the Mars bar for lunch, while asking myself of why am I feeling this way. I could have sworn that if Carmille actually finds me sitting there, I would have burst into tears, though I wouldn’t tell her why.

Sitting there, I hoped that she would have noticed my sudden disappearance, and would give me a call or something. And after some moments, she actually did message me, asking me where I was, and if I was okay. At that instant upon receiving her message, that lifted my mood a lot, because that signalled that she still has me in her mind although having other more important issues and work to resolve. I replied her, reassuring her that I was okay, and that I was just taking a little stroll, which was a white lie.

And when I returned to the canteen, a part of me hoped that she isn’t there because I was afraid that she would ask me if I really was okay, and where did I go, at which I wouldn’t have been be able to answer, and that if I do answer based on my feelings, she would be hurt if she finds out the white lie that I might have said. However, the other part of me really wanted her to still be in the canteen, so that I could see her, because… because I wanted to know if she’s really okay.

It was then time for my next class when I returned to the canteen. I wasn’t too good at hiding my feelings, and returned her with a weak smile when she turned to look at me. With that, I turned my back, and headed to my class, leaving her to continue her briefing with the other volunteers still in the canteen. So many moments like that, I felt so emotionally disturbed inside me that I wanted to hit my head hard on the wall till it bleeds.

I just cannot believe how stupid and childish sometimes I can be. I should have been trying my greatest efforts in trying to lift her mood today, rather than me being more absorbed in myself.

As much as I try to keep an optimistic thought, but life haven’t been treating me so nice lately. With the exams that just ended, came back the results that slapped me on my face. Then came along things like these (that I have just blogged) in life. Just as I thought things couldn’t be more complicated than this, Dad had to tell me that he couldn’t come pick me up from the train station when I was on my back from college. And so, I consoled myself to a meal at McDonalds alone on my way home just now.

Things like this may come too trivial a matter to many, but if it was to happen on you, given that the person who unknowingly and unintentionally hurt you is someone you regard so highly of, it would just be heart searing.

But it’s okay. After writing this whole thing out, I get to see where my fault lies. And I always have to remind myself that it isn’t the fault of others, but it’s within myself, and how I should work around the matter to make it better, and learn from these things.

And tomorrow, I’ll make sure I’ll treat her really well so she would be happy.

A Series of Snags

2009-05-19T18:12:00.000+08:00

Friday, 08/05/09

This would be the first post written on the most beautiful month of the year. And today’s a Friday; and Friday’s are good days for me.

A collective pile of feelings cannot be summarised to give an overall mood that you are experiencing at any particular moment. You can feel happy that you’ve just gotten a string of Distinctions in your examinations, but yet, at the same time, you feel sad that you are experiencing some love problems. In many situations like these, you will realise that you cannot make a conclusion that both good and bad feelings cancel out one another to give you a neutral feeling. A particular feeling is independent of one another, and it is felt differently for different sets of feelings.

This would be one of the very few posts that will shed some light about my college life.

The first thing that made today sour would be my shockingly terrible performance I showed in my last two exam papers that I sat today. Albeit feeling unhappy about this issue, but I’m not all that sore because this is what I would expect to reap from the meagre effort I sowed from my last-minute studies.

Second would be a pretty interesting story to retell about. This regards my college life. Having a natural dislike for college has set my mind towards a no-attachment towards whatsoever issues that has regards to college. But that was in the past year, and in this year, I have learnt what to expect in colleges, and have set myself to be more open with this new college that I’m in. Having said that, I still retained the firm belief that it is near impossible for me to find someone, in such a place, whom I could relate to.

Five months have passed. With my course keeping me busy at all-times, the period of five months passed with a real breeze, without much realisation that I am starting to be sub-consciously going through time with such great speed, gaining momentum of an attachment towards this college. Even so, I wouldn’t say that this feeling is increasing as quickly as an exponential, nor would it be as slow as a very small slope, but yes, the weekly routines of my college life is starting to seep into me, I noticed.

Through this five months being with my classmates in one class, we are learning of each other as days goes by. And it would be very surprising for me to be saying here, that I think I might have found a classmate who I can relate to. And I’m not too surprised when I find myself building a closer bond with this classmate of mine, which fate decides that she is a girl.

Her name is Carmille. A really beautiful name, in my opinion.

I would usually voice out all my feelings to Carmille, most particularly about my little complains I have for some particular classmates that I have a degree of dislike for. And then we would both laugh over the matter, especially when we realise we have the same impression of the person we’re gossiping about. And for both of us to be talking a lot, that is naturally building the friendship-relationship in between us, up to that we started discussing our personal thoughts (in which I would never even have thought twice about doing so to a college-mate) that we would start reminding each other that gossiping is something that should be avoided.

As we got closer, we started to sit next to each other in classes, having much chatting time to ourselves. We would also go for lunch together; and for this past week, we’ve been studying together in the library. Our close-friendship is also gathering jokes and rumours that we’re both couples, which I find it interesting of how quickly rumours can spread.

Attachment grew in between us. The college decided to do class streaming according to our SPM results for Semester Two. I thought it an utterly absurd idea for them not to even suggest this idea when we started fresh in Semester One, and just had to pick the wrong time of doing it now when everyone is perfectly happy and settled with their class. And fate decided that she will advance one class above mine, and that would cruelly mean separating both of us as our classes would be different.

Initially, I thought that I was the only person to feel such growing attachment, and the uneasiness in me had me expressed my feelings for her. But apparently, I was pleasantly surprised that she also admitted to the growing friendship-attachment towards me, and isn’t happy with the class streaming.
She then came up with the idea that she would try-out her new class for one week and see how it goes. If she doesn’t find that she favours her new class, she would appeal for a class change, back to my class. I think that it is an ingenious idea. And of course, as for my part, I would hope very much that she returns to my class, so I would have a companion to sit next to in class, and someone who I can voice out my feelings to. Though the final decision is really up to her and I would respect whatever decision she chooses to make, but I think it’s crucial on my part of persuasion that I have to tell her what I personally hope for, so that she would take considerations of my behalf, too.

Tribute to Some People

2009-05-02T05:51:00.001+08:00

Friday, 10/04/09

I met my classmate from 5 Angsana on the train just a few days ago. And I told her that even still to today, I’m still very attached to school.

“But then you have to get over it lah; I mean, it’s been so long already,” the cliché utter of words that anyone would suggest.

She was sitting on the seat, in the train, while I was holding on to a railing above her, standing just in front of her. I look at this friend of mine whom I’ve known even since before we were together in a common class during Form 4 and 5. Physically, she looked a little older and more matured as compared to the last I saw her. And it was unfair to see how much she has moved on with life after high school, while I looked at myself, still stranded on that same spot, two years ago.

“I also have forgotten a lot of things about school luh,” she added.

I let out a sigh in my mind, bit my lip, and eyes soften, staring into blank space. This is me; this is Kean Lee – a person of his own set of virtues and values, growing at his own pace.

And I thought about the memories of the teachers who had left a pleasant memory in me, and I would like to write them down here, before I, too, forget about such invaluable wealth that I have.

1 Meranti 2003:
Cik Suriani – She was my Form teacher, and also my Maths teacher. And the reason why I could remember her is because of her leniency, and probably also because Form 1 left me a great deal of memories that was a turning point in my life.

Pn. Norsila – My KH teacher. She just has got that attitude that makes me remember of her. There was once, when I joked with my friends in the Sewing Room, kept calling the sewing machine “So sexy~” while touching the smooth lacquered curves of the machine, then only to get a full octave comment that sounded like scolding from Pn. Norsila that went, “Sexy sexy ape?!!”. My friends and I had a good laugh.

2 Meranti 2004:
Pn. Wong – We (our class) knew since Form 1, that she is very lenient when it comes to marking our Art works, thus, we really wished that she would be out Art teacher, replacing out current one, which we didn’t like (of character and stinginess when grading our Art works). And our wish came true – Pn. Wong became our Art teacher this year. And she’s really a very kind woman, and I hoped she won’t retire anytime soon because judging from her ageing looks she is probably a grandmother then.

3 Meranti 2005:
Pn. Tan C.K. – My Form teacher, also my Maths teacher, who scolds a lot. My friends and I would revere her because we knew she is also an Add-Maths teacher, at which is a subject that we thought pretty cool.

Pn. ___(I forgot her name)___ - The teacher that made me liked Sejarah for the first time in high school. Her looks depicts a motherly figure, and a person of such respected age, she often recounted about her experiences and memories during the colonial times when she was still young.

4 Angsana 2006 and 5 Angsana 2007:
Pn. Saik – My Form teacher and also my Physics teacher. And during the first day in Form 4, she said something that went along the lines like, “You all so free, don’t just sit there do nothing. Open up your Physics book and study before the next lesson.” She is a really nice teacher, and it is a surprise that she’s able to tolerate our class.
Memorable quote: “*tsk* class, please keep quiet.”

Pn. Lim – My Biology teacher, who is famed for her sarcasticness and monotone teaching, at which at intervals, she would insert a joke somewhere along her long lectures, at which the class have got to be paying attention to realise that she had just joked.

Pn. Joyce Lim (I think she was previously addressed Pn. Wong) – Probably the one of the few best Sejarah teachers you could find. And an undeniable fact that she was the reason I scored an A for Sejarah in SPM although I never liked Sejarah since Form 1 (except in Form 3’s Sejarah).

Pn. Yap – Undeniable truth that she holds the title of being the one of the best Chemistry teacher I’ve ever had. She is also the mother of the smartest girl in my class, who is also the smartest girl in the school.
Memorable quote: “If you (spill the contents/cause an explosion etc.) the first thing I’m going to do is to go over and squeeze your ears,” “Precisely!”

Mdm. Tan – My Add-Maths teacher who, when in Form 4, always had the penchant of scolding us, and ends-up so heated that she just refuses to teach the class for the entire one or two periods. But when in Form 5, she became much nicer to us. No idea why. Once, during Form 4, she was suddenly so nice to us, and the rumour went along that Pengetua had a little talk with her. It is also regarded as a very uncommon, if not rare, moment to see her laughing.
Memorable quote: “Okay class, put your pens down and stop writing. Go down have some exercise.” And she would almost always say that every Friday when I was in Form 5, at which the Physical Education class was just after her lessons.

Pn. Cecelia – My Moral teacher who leaves lots of memories in me. She’s one funny teacher, and also a very lenient one, but at the same time, very demanding when it comes to our work produced during exams, because she sincerely wants us to score a clean Distinction for her Moral paper.
Memorable quote: “You know what’s good for you and your soul. So don’t go telling the other classes or your friends about what I told you (that is coming out for the exam).”

I have the strongest memory for Form 4 and 5 is because that is the last year that I left school, so the memory inclination lies a lot, especially in the last year. This school has left me the greatest memories I’ve ever had in my years of living. Sometimes, I would close my eyes, counting to a ready, hoping that when I open my eyes, I would be back in those times. And it seemed so real that I could go back into the past where I still, till today, have one of the greatest attachments to. But it is reality which is the most cruel thing to face with, and the loving glow of those buildings that I was once in, shimmering before me, whenever I often pass-by this school.

Heart Still Beats

2009-04-13T20:42:00.000+08:00

Monday, 23/03/09

It has been some time since I last wrote. It’s just that, there aren’t many things to write about. Even if there is, it would be those little petty things running about, occasionally, unworthy of writing.

I have seen a couple of incidences, whereby my friends would ask about my opinion about their love lives. Humbly, I would often give them my point of view. But it’s saddening to see that they often realise their person of affection does not have feelings for them. And these friends of mine, very often, would just give-up and come to a stop to liking that person.

I would heave a breath of sigh at such a thought. Perhaps it means more experience for them to go through, before they would come to an understanding that they should stop looking for someone who will co-incidentally love them too. In my understanding, love not only extends out to a very pleasant feeling, but also a person’s mental development that he’s able to think critically for himself.

There hasn’t been much thinking as of late. As time goes by with love and feelings, the subconscious becomes more influenced; and I’ve been dreaming of her much more often these days. Perhaps a little comical, but I just wanted to share with you a dream that I dreamt about yesterday…

There was this girl whom I know in real life that appeared in my dream yesterday. After a series of events that I did for her out of concern, as a friend, she then held my hand, out of love. My heart beat hard on my chest, falling into a difficult position, and thinking of a way to tell her that I cannot be in a relationship with her. I then wriggled my hand out of her grasp, and she looked at me with an expression of both surprise and confusion. I then began talking to her by first calling her name. But what I realised was that I kept making a mistake by calling out Voon Pang’s name first, then apologised and corrected myself. Throughout my explanation to that girl, I kept repeating my mistake several times, unintentionally, by calling her Voon Pang, instead of her real name.

As all dreams being dreams, they are most often somewhat eccentrically weird in different ways. However, occasionally, sometimes our dreams remind us of things. And that dream reminded me of how attached I am towards the person I feel most emotionally closest to.

To not speak of things that mean everything to us, doesn’t mean that we no longer see it as something that matters in our life anymore. As much as I’ve not been actively updating this blog lately doesn’t mean that my feelings have been slowing down.

Three months have passed. These three months have been a real boring time. Work has caught me up in the never-ending tangle of mess that made me feel that these three months passed-by too quickly. Ah, I’m wrong to calculate that it has been three months, but rather it’s been a mere days to four months. Too quickly this time has passed without giving me time to even feel aware or notice it. It feels like it wasn’t that long ago that I saw her for the first time that Countdown Day, in the bookstore, looking at some Hallmark merchandise. That the nostalgic sight of her made my heart beat so hard out of surprise, reminding me of how very much I miss her, and the so many more things that only the language of feelings can describe.

A Month Since…

2009-04-10T22:55:00.000+08:00

Sunday, 08/02/09

I was hoping for some weeks that I would get to see her yesterday, since Goon May sms-ed me weeks ago, inviting me to her place; because yesterday’s was Goon May’s Chinese New Year party.

And there are some things we hoped for so much, and for a long time, but it just doesn’t come to realisation.

We love a person, and some of us feel that just seeing that person once-in-a-while already makes us feel so privileged.

It’s been a month since this year began. Some things remained steadily still, some other changed. I’m grateful that some things on my side have improved, as compared to last year’s. But then, I compared my priorities and contemplated what we’re all striving towards for… a happy family.

And the core of a happy family stems from love. It’s that love that we’re all striving for.

Hearing some updates about her at Goon May’s place yesterday made me heave a sigh over what all those things I’ve told her two years ago; were they just… forgotten??

Yesterday was the first time I saw the fireworks lit before me, since the last time I saw it with her on this year’s countdown. The melancholic feelings were unbearable as tears wetted my eyes. I would’ve let the tears flowed if it wasn’t for the crowd of strangers around me.

There isn’t much updates on me about what I feel worthy of writing. Of course, there are much things to talk about if I were to diversify my writing genre, but those are very boring and dry topics, hence, unworthy of writing.

Lately, I’ve been seeing the truths of some things and the false assumptions that if we possess these material things, they’ll make us happy…

Happy Chinese New Year!!

2009-01-25T23:18:00.001+08:00

Sunday, 25/01/09

Today’s the eve of Chinese New Year. And I could feel all the festivity in the air.

And I’m old enough to have more other worries in my plate rather than having to worry about how much ang pows I’ll be getting this year. It’s so good to be young, when all your worries are only those petty things. And there’s still a long road ahead of me, but I’ll not fret or sigh about how much more I’ve got to endure, because everything will come to me one by one.

Often I see some people, mostly my friends who are younger than me; I admire them, as if they’re more superior than I am. That in turns makes me look-up to them because of the inferior feeling inside me. I mulled over such reaction in feelings, and realised that it’s because that I’m merely judging them on first impression, that is that they’re physically attractive, academically smart, or that they’re socially ‘famous’.

I then reminded myself that first impressions often don’t depict a person of who he/she really is. It’s always the heart that matters; it’s the heart that we’ve got to look into, that really defines his/her personality and maturity. It’s the maturity of a person which seems to set the true admiring feelings; that is to say, it’s more ‘right’ to admire a person by judging from his maturity.

That was the thought of yesterday. Nothing much happened today, though. I pretty much slept throughout the eve of CNY. I can’t say for tomorrow, but I hope it turns out pretty well, but not too hot a day.

And as for you reading here, I wish you Happy Chinese New Year!! I am actually always pretty happy and excited every year when it is this season, not only because of the festivity, but also the week-long holidays.

You and I hope that I’ll have another new blog entry coming up soon!!

15th Birthday

2009-01-19T00:00:00.001+08:00

Sunday, 18/01/09 – Monday, 19/01/09

Dearest Voon Pang,

The time’s now exactly 15 minutes before your birthday.

Well, I’ve got nothing much to say here other than to wish you Happy Birthday, because I guess that I’ve already written you that letter which contains all my words in there. Just that, I wonder that if you’ve received and read that letter by now, yet.

I know that this moment will come – this moment of the final minutes before the time touches your birthday. It’s like something grand to me; as if, I’ve got to do something really wonderful and memorable to remember this moment… just that I couldn’t do anything special than just to sit here, admiring the picture of you that always melts my heart, with the passing minutes to your birthday.

You’re another year older; another year more mature. And I really wish that everything is going all jolly well for you.

I hope to see you soon.

Yours forever,
Kean Lee.

To a point of going nuts

2009-01-18T02:20:00.000+08:00

Sunday, 18/01/09

There’s so much to think about; her friends and what they’re doing that involves her, her well-being, her current conditions in school, and all those little details that I’ve got to keep up with. And there’s her birthday tomorrow and what am I going to do about it. I know I’ve given her the present long before her special day, but it bothers me everyday to wonder if she received it or not (and I know that I didn’t document anything about this story). And many of them are mere guesses and wishes that everything’s alright, though I try to slip in questions about her occasionally when chatting with her closer friends as not to irritate them that I keep talking about her.

Apart from those thinking, there are also lots to think about me and my life. There’s studies, well-being, life, personality, behaviour, and everything that I want to keep and preserve and improve, those that define me, and those that makes my inner personality stand-out among the other people in both awkward and admiring ways.

Sometimes, so much thinking dries me up. I get so mentally exhausted having these thoughts running behind my mind in every breath I take. And it takes away my concentration space whenever I need it. It does affect me, both positively and negatively. But occasionally, I really feel that there are too many things that build my mental list that really makes me feel that I’m only driving myself crazy.

I do recognise this as a form of mental suffering. Having virtually no one to turn to, and although sometimes posed with some options of refuge (my parents, for instance) but I turn it down because I think it’s still not the best way of seeking solace (for the fact that they fail to see the light in some things that I do, because every individual develops a different set of consciousness with different experiences), and this only means that it leaves me to fend for myself, alone. This means that I have to be very tough, and that I would not be mentally crippled to handle so much thinking in a time.

But frankly, it is the collapsing part that scares me. When your mind collapses from all the thinking, that’s when you fall into a mental depression. And that’s scary. Having fallen into it twice before, and after I get a feeling of it, it’s a real scare to fall into the same pits again. The stage of depression only helps to worsen your problem by bending your entire mindset, up to the point that you want to end your own life. Experiencing depression, whether it may be a mild or serious case, is nothing proud to be spoken of, but since it’s still a fact, I shouldn’t be afraid to mention it. After all, it’s still an experience, but a type of experience that not everyone has gone though.

A Post about some Doubts

2009-01-02T16:16:00.000+08:00

Friday, 02/01/09

This post is written to clarify some questions that my friend asked me, after reading this blog. I thought I should write about this, because there might be some readers who knows me in person might misunderstand, or not able to fathom the reasons of certain actions that I have made.

That friend who read this blog said that he/she thinks I’m actually obsessed with her. My answer to this statement is that, I believe that after going though various obstacles and gaining a considerate amount humble experience, I’m able to differentiate obsession, infatuation, and love. What I am experiencing is not obsession or infatuation, but instead, it’s love.

Some readers might be wondering of why am I doing such and such, and of why I’m behaving in such manner. The thing is, everything happens for a reason; if you care to read the very first post to the latest one, you would be able to see the story’s progression, and the reasons behind the many actions that I have done. However, I must very humbly note here that there is a need for thinking when reading the stories that I’ve written; there is a level of maturity needed to understand the reasons of some actions. This is the answer to justify my feelings towards her isn’t obsession.

This is still a blog. A blog that’s published for the public to see. Although I have reminded certain readers not to link me although they might be regular readers, but still, very personal blogs like mine which isn’t privatised can get out of hand (i.e. become popularised). And that isn’t good, because personal blogs are best kept quiet. There is also a reason why I choose not to privatise this blog since it’s personal, and although I have never explained the reason why, but I’m sure that the readers would have guessed it. And because this blog isn’t privatised, there limitations to certain words and things that I cannot write of. The reason is self-explanatory. Thus, occasionally, there are loopholes and confusions about some things that are written.

My friend also asked me that even after entering college, haven’t I fell for someone else, or at the very least, felt affection or attraction towards, at least, a girl. The answer is a resounding “No.” I have never felt any feelings or even anything close to attraction towards anyone in college. There is this general perception that once people are exposed to a new environment (i.e. college, in this case), they will tend to fall for someone new. I myself have witnessed that my schooling friends in secondary school who enters college will then settle themselves with a partner. To be very truthful, this general perception doesn’t apply to me.

This is because, when you really love a person so deeply, at one point, you’ll realise you’ll never fall for another person anymore. Although some might dismiss this statement as something said during the peak of emotions, but you will mark my words that when you actually experience this yourself, this statement will no longer a subjective matter of debate.

Finally, I am aware that in my few latest posts, I have been more liberal and open with my writing. Although it is not something that I choose to do, but I sometimes find it hard to explain certain actions and record the reason and memory of my actions if that I am limited to the expression of my feelings.

Countdown 2009

2009-01-02T11:20:00.001+08:00

Wednesday, 31/12/08 – Thursday, 01/01/09
The fourth time in 2008.
The first in 2009.

You know, I’m just really afraid of the many things in life that happens only once, and they won’t repeat themselves anymore. And it’s those moments that when we’re experiencing it, and when we don’t appreciate it, these things will only leave us the memories. What happened today was something so very beautiful that I’m very afraid that it’s my last time experiencing it.

The time now is 8am. I actually woke up at about 6.45am, in which I rolled around till I couldn’t take it any more. I slept at 4am yesterday, directly after my bath when I arrived back home. Feeling a little insomniac for sleeping only so little, but it was my mind that kept replaying the scenes of yesterday that caused me to keep thinking about it.

The very moment the fireworks lit the dark sky above us, we knew that we had all entered another year. What has this year have in store for us, we never know. But what was in my mind during that time the fireworks made its display in the sky, was only Voon Pang. And she was standing beside me. She wasn’t exactly beside me, but I was actually right behind her, close to her. And I looked at her, her dark hair facing me, and I smiled, and I whispered some words to her, inaudibly.

The very first person I saw during this New Year is Voon Pang. And the first words that came out of my mouth wasn’t a wish of Happy New Year, but rather something more meaningful to both of us, something that could keep me breathing till today after… two years of leaving school. Two years – how much I despise to even think about that. How could it be two years when it seems that I just got to know her??

She was just in front of me that I kept looking at her. The fireworks were really beautiful. That made it even more special and meaningful, because both of us were watching the fireworks together. And my heart wrenched… words couldn’t do justice on how much I wanted to hug her.

It all begun on an evening. Initially, the plans were supposed to be in OU where we’ll have our countdown. However, it became messy that the plans were suddenly changed, and the meet-up place would instead be at The Curve. The sudden change in plans also caused difficulties for a few people, and after some tight considerations about transportation issues and parental permission, a few announced that they wouldn’t be able to make it. One of them is Goon May.

It was yesterday when Goon May visited Elaine’s blog, and she found my comment in Elaine’s chatbox. Curious, Goon May then text messaged me, asking that if I have a blog. It was a real surprise to receive a message from her. We then exchanged emails and chatted on MSN, which by then I have given her my blog link. It was there and then we started talking about the many things that happened this year, and last year. That was how we knew much more about each other. She kept complimenting on how nice I am, and I took that as a sign that our friendship would be a closer one than before. In an unbelievable short course of one day, we not only patched-up our friendship before this, but also progressed much further than that because we knew more of each other.

The organiser is Madelene. If Goon May couldn’t make it, it would only mean that I will be sticking to Madelene. I called Madelene to ask her about what’s the latest plans, and after discussing about the dilemma of the plans, she told me that Voon Pang’s coming for the countdown, too.

Frankly, I was expecting that news, already. So I guess I already had some mental preparation. Nevertheless, at the mention of Voon Pang, that was the moment I became all nervous, all towards the end of the night where I called Madelene to ask about Voon Pang’s safety.

So it was confirmed finally that our celebration would be at The Curve, instead of the previously agreed OU. It was then about 5.40pm. I hurried with my wash-up and preparations, consoled myself that everything is going to be alright, and drove there. After all those preparations, it was already 6.30pm. But nightmare dawned upon me as I just arrived upon the highway. The cars were literally crawling though the routes. Looking at my watch and reminding myself over and over that the meet-up time is supposed to be at 7.30pm, I was expecting myself to be late, because the parking will be the biggest headache other than this traffic jam alone.

Sometimes, I think it’s better for me to be in a stress. Because when I feel stressed, I tend to come up with more ideas. And feeling stressed that I couldn’t make it by 7.30, I thought of an alternative route that could probably save me some time… giving me more time to see Voon Pang. I really want to see Voon Pang… I really, really do.

Goon May called me. She told me that she’s finally able to make it. I was elated at this news, and heaved a heavy sigh of relief to know that I would have a companion to, at least, talk to over there, who although doesn’t know the whole story behind us, but a person who is very capable of understanding feelings.

Perhaps it really was fate. As soon as I reached The Curve’s parking, I went down to Basement 2, and a parking slot was beaming with triumph right in front of me. Back in mind, I was telling myself that I’m willing to pay whatever parking fees if that I could just get a parking as soon as possible, so I could save those minutes to spend more time with Voon Pang. I was really feeling all jumpy and nervous that time, knowing that it’s just a matter of minutes, that I’ll be seeing her.

I headed towards Borders, because there was where we’re supposed to meet. I scouted a little to see if anyone has arrived yet, and it seems that I’m the earliest after all. It was then 7.40pm. Borders in The Curve is pretty big because they have two floors. But of all places, I was attracted to the Hallmark Greeting Cards section, so I walked there. I did a round around the shelves of the cards.

And there she was. Voon Pang was crouched down, looking at some stuffs just one shelf away from me. I turned my back so quickly that I only managed to capture a vague image of her. But I know she is Voon Pang. Love tells you everything. Co-incidences do not happen this often. Borders is such a big place, and the very first place I headed to, I saw her.

I walked away, with my heart racing so wildly that I thought it was just going to burst. I paced a little in some spot, and walked near towards the Enquiry Counter, forehead creased in thoughts. I pitched my head upwards to see where I was walking to, and just the next step I took was given a loud roar inside my head – she was standing right in front of the Enquiry Counter asking the assistant about something. Distanced only by a few steps, I was facing her back, then, so I quickly made a turn and walked away. This time, heading upstairs instead.

I called Goon May, asking her where she is. She told me she’s getting some clothes with her sister and reassured me that she’ll be here as soon as possible. She also added that Voon Pang’s already here and asked me if I did see her, but I thought it would be easier if I said no, so I paused for a moment before replying, “Oh… nope. I didn’t see her.”

When I saw her heading upstairs, I wanted so much to hit myself in agony, literally. Because, I went downstairs after that. And when I was downstairs reading those Hallmark greeting cards that I didn’t have a chance to read just now, she walked pass me again. This is the third time I saw her.

And I know that I have to see her sooner or later, so with boiling hatred towards myself, I asked myself of what logical reason am I still running away from her at this very moment. This is the moment where no one is here yet, and that I could use this opportunity to talk to her. The truth is, I am still afraid of seeing her, wondering what we would even talk about when we see each other. I still stubbornly went against my feelings, and told myself that it was probably better I would only dare to face her later when we meet-up with some other friends.

After a few messages to Goon May, she finally called me, telling me she’s here, and Voon Pang’s with her. They’re just outside Borders. I guess this was it. I exhaled, prepared myself of the very first time I’m going to willingly meet-up with her, and the first time we’re having an outing together.

I walked out of Borders, trying to look and be myself and everything. And as I turned to my right, there was Goon May and Voon Pang walking towards me. Goon May was looking at me, but Voon Pang wasn’t. I couldn’t carry on without a greeting, so I faced Voon Pang while she was working on her mobile. Until she was a little closer to me, she looked up. I smiled, and said, “Hi” to her, and she greeted me the same way back, too, with the same shyness.

Goon May excused herself to toilet to check what’s with her elder sister taking so long in there. I was left with Voon Pang. Though it wasn’t shown on her expression, but I guess she was feeling a little tensed, too. She paced a little (but I paced much more), and then went into the nearest clothes shop to make a round inside it. I didn’t follow her in, because… it was just downright awkward to do so. But she came out shortly after that, and we stood there, not a word exchanged between us. I kept rubbing my hands in nervousness. I guess I’m not all that great with trying to hide my expressions when I’m nervous. And I kept looking at her, drowned in how much I missed her, and that she’s now with me… and that she’s so really beautiful.

When Goon May returned with her elder sister, the four of us walked to meet up with the others, who apparently are around Starbucks. I guess it was because Voon Pang was nervous as I am, because she seemed to walking pretty fast, and she was way ahead of us. And I was too caught-up with her in my mind that I forgot to greet Goon May’s sister until half-way away to Starbucks.

We met up with the others who were Madelene, two girls, and a few more boys. But it was only Madelene who I knew, the others were pretty much strangers. A big bunch of us hanged around there for a pretty long while because there was trouble trying to decide on where to go for dinner, as some have eaten, some not. I haven’t taken dinner yet.

Actually, I didn’t think that there would be so many people turning up. I didn’t count, but I’m positive that the numbers surely have surpassed 16 people. Finally, we settled down in a restaurant, in which the name I couldn’t recall. It was pretty chaotic, the waitresses, the ambience, and dim lightings. With us big bunch of people, we didn’t even have comfortable seating places even with two big tables combined together. Conversations could only be exchanged at the very furthest distance of two people away from one another, as there were in-house singers on the elevated stage booming away the speakers.

Needless to say, it wasn’t all that a great place to settle down. But I guess we didn’t have a choice with a group so big like this and in such a crowded area because everyone’s flooding The Curve, awaiting the countdown at midnight later. Voon Pang and Madelene were sitting next to each other, and they were only about three seats away from where I was seated. Accompanied by my left is a boy who I thought was trying to be cool, and my right are three people crammed in spot, which are Goon May, her elder sister, and her elder sister’s partner (an elder guy, probably the same age as Goon May’s sister, who is 21, and he’s a really nice guy).

I heard my name being called out. To my pleasant surprise, it was Voon Pang who was calling my name from her place. “Kean Lee,” and she pointed at the drinks menu she was holding, asking if I have decided on what I wanted. I smiled, and nodded. After that, she and Madelene giggled, then Madelene looked at me for a moment. It has been a while since I heard my name being called out by her. How much I missed it…

After ordering our drinks (which I thought was priced a little overboard), Madelene and Voon Pang swapped places with a person, thus we were then one seat closer to each other. However, that still didn’t give us ample chance to talk to each other. Background music was accompanied by Chinese songs sung by the in-house singers, in which I was very grateful because I’m always more at ease with Chinese songs to English ones. Voon Pang and Madelene then went off to buy aerosol Snow Sprays, so they left their seat. I was seeing Voon Pang off, and while she was just outside the restaurant, she looked back once and I thought our eyes met, so I quickly looked down, pretending nothing happened while picking up my Milk Bubble Tea and began to sipping on it. Strangely enough, the guys seated on my left vacated their seat not too long after that, too.

And when Madelene and Voon Pang came back, they sat right next to me, on my left. But it was Madelene who was just beside me, not Voon Pang. But I guess that was good enough, because Voon Pang’s close enough to me that we could talk. It’s obvious enough to me that Madelene is trying her best to help me out between Voon Pang and I. Not too long after that, Goon May’s sister said that she wants to have dinner, but not in this restaurant. Actually, most of us there were merely having a drink in that restaurant, as the menu didn’t look enticing enough. And Goon May’s sister asked Goon May and I to come along, along with her partner, so we could have dinner, while being able to talk to one another in a smaller group. However, I was thinking hard if I should follow them, because that would mean I would leave Voon Pang. So I asked Goon May if it is okay that I asked Voon Pang and Madelene to come along. She liked the idea, so we asked them.

I was actually worried. Worried that Voon Pang would decline, saying that she doesn’t want to follow. Furthermore, since Voon Pang and Madelene were stuck to each other, and Madelene’s the organiser, it would be weird that Madelene is to just leave the whole bigger group to settle on their own, while we go and find a place for dinner.

“Do you wanna come with us?? We’re going to find a place to have dinner.” I asked Voon Pang.
“This place isn’t good??” Madelene asked.
“The food on the menu doesn’t look that good…” Goon May’s sister and I agreed. “So we wanna go somewhere else in a smaller group for dinner.”

Madelene and Voon Pang were thinking. And I thought it was the best time to persuade them.

“Do you wanna stay here, or do you wanna be with us?” I spoke in Mandarin. “Come lah… come with us…”
“Okay. Let’s go!” Voon Pang agreed.

And I was shocked by her response. She actually agreed!! And it was weird that Madelene and us left the entire big group of people without another word of goodbye or explanation of where we were going to. I was elated, really elated that I couldn’t believe that Voon Pang agreed to come with Goon May and us. Maybe it’s that I think a little too much, that I tend to be more sensitive, but even you could have known that luck and chance doesn’t happen all that to your favour almost every time. This is why I think perhaps it was because of me, of that there is sincerity between Voon Pang and I that we want to be as close together as before, that’s why she agreed to come with us.

After trying to scout for a place to settle for dinner, we finally settled at Paddington’s House of Pancakes. We took a little while flipping though the very elaborate menu of over 600 different dishes and finally ordered some two pancake dishes which we would all share. After the very friendly waiter took our order, it was already 10.30pm.

Our seating area was in a secluded corner, which I thought was very cosy for our six-people group. Just for the memory, I’m writing it down here; the group consisted of me, Voon Pang, Madelene, Goon May, Goon May’s elder sister, and Goon May’s elder sister’s partner. Since the group was small, we had more time to talk to each other. Thing is… I wasn’t seating beside Voon Pang, nor was sitting opposite of her. Instead, it was a 45 degree angle. The girls were joking most of the time, enjoying themselves a lot. And because they were joking almost the whole time, I didn’t get the chance to talk to Voon Pang.

But I kept looking at her, smiling. When she looks at me, I would look away, trying to escape the obvious that I’m looking at her. I wasn’t so nervous as before; glad that I’ve cooled down a lot if not I wouldn’t even be able to hold my fork and knife that she passed to me.

Nevertheless, I thoroughly enjoyed it. If I was the organiser, I would almost never do a thing as to leave my other friends who I invited out just to be with a smaller and closer group of friends. But that was exactly what Madelene did. And she didn’t mind. The reason why more grateful and thankful I am to owe everything to her. But at a point of time, it struck me that what if, just what if, they wanted to rejoin with the bigger group just now after this dinner. I was a little fearful of what is to happen, because I’m afraid that I wouldn’t be physically close to Voon Pang anymore.

Goon May’s elder sister wanted to treat all of us, but we insisted to pay for our share. After that, we went down to join the crowd that were already starting to spray one another with the aerosol Snow Spray. It was then about 11.20pm. The crowd was too dense; I don’t really mind dense crowds, but it’s just that I’m worried for her, so I kept trying to shelter her by stretching out my arm from behind to protect her from the people rubbing against each other. There was also Goon May and Madelene who I’ve got to look after of… but I couldn’t shelter all of them at once as I’ve got only a pair of hands, so I kept trying to shelter Voon Pang, as she seems to be walking a little ahead of us at times.

The crowd got denser, and more people randomly spraying strangers, thus the aerosol gas was filling the air, and that is was an irritant. It made my nose runny and I kept coughing. I even thought that I needed my antihistamine (I’ve prepared it beforehand, just in case my nose is going to spoil my day) for my runny nose, but in the end, I didn’t take it, because it isn’t that bad after all. The air was so filled with that weird-smelling gas that Goon May, her sister, and Voon Pang have all got to use their cardigans to cover their nose and mouth.

It was getting closer and closer to midnight. It was about 11.40pm then. Voon Pang and Madelene bought a few more cans of aerosols from the lady standing right beside us, repeatedly chanting “Five for ten, five for ten,” the entire time we were there which pretty much burnt into our heads. I didn’t play with the Snow Spray, but was merely standing just beside and almost right behind Voon Pang to shelter her from the massive crowd, and also from the random sprays all over. Voon Pang even took a can out, offered me to have it, but I kindly declined it. I guess I was just… perhaps, shy to accept something from her. But that also made me look not so sporting, which was a bad image, in my thinking.

Seconds were ticking closer to midnight. While standing beside her, the fireworks suddenly went off flashing its glamour in the sky. I really love fireworks, and they’re always really beautiful, especially those really big ones. It was midnight. So, year 2008 has ended. It hasn’t been a very good year for me anyways, so I guess there aren’t any memories of it, other than the beautiful ones that I have all written about. I looked at her from her back, smiling. She’s looking up the sky, covering her nose and mouth with her cardigan, and I believe, she’s smiling, enjoying the fireworks.

She was the last person I saw during the last seconds of year 2008, and the first person I saw when the clock stuck midnight, entering the year 2009. And the first words that I said during the New Year were to her. Although she did not hear it, but I know it could be felt by her heart. At least, the way I try to think of it consoles me.

People were just spraying their Snow Spray anywhere and everywhere, causing a heavy shower of white Snow foams landing on our heads. I tried covering her head, because very heavy Snow foams can get pretty messy. I tried to make it less obvious, and even wanted so much to wipe it off her hair… but I didn’t dare, afraid that she would not like it.

The fireworks ended in a typical spectacular manner with all sorts of them lighting up the skies. It was a scene. After that, we hanged-on there for a little moment, before we decided to make a move. However, it seems that the crowd already begun moving out of the area, causing a massive jam with all people trying to worm out of the gigantic crowd of thousands of people. We tried to stick close to each other while trying to move out of the place, but because of the crowd, we eventually got split into two groups. I was with Madelene and Voon Pang.

Voon Pang was a little ahead of us, leaving Madelene and I behind. I felt unease with her walking alone in front of us, because I should actually be right behind her, sheltering her shoulder from the crowd. But instead, I found myself holding on to Madelene’s shoulders, guiding her way instead of Voon Pang’s, because I was only right behind Madelene.

We made our way upstairs to the second floor, above Sakae Sushi, and along the wider corridors of Kim Gary. I was trying to contact Goon May on the phone because I was to fetch her back home, but my attempts failed because the lines must’ve been overloaded with others’ calls. So I was there, with both Voon Pang and Madelene for some pretty long moments together.

They decided to do a little photo-taking. Voon Pang handed me her black Sony camera and I was made the photographer. I took pictures of them, and also candid shots of them playing with the remaining Snow Spray. Voon Pang then suggested that we have a group picture of three of us together. My feelings leaped with happiness the moment I heard her say that. She asked a male stranger to help us take our photo. Voon Pang stood in the middle, while I was at her left, Madelene at her right. And that person who helped us took pictures thought that he didn’t do well at his first shot, so he said, “One more, one more!!” I happily obliged, taking the second picture. This is the first time ever she willingly wanted to take pictures of us together.

While I was taking both of their pictures, Voon Pang playfully sprayed some Snow from the can she was holding in hand towards me. She did that either because she’s playing with me, or just perhaps she’s intending to add effects to the pictures. She laughed when the Snow landed on me. And she looked really beautiful to me, when she posed for the camera. While taking pictures for them, my eyes was only focusing on her… my heart squeezed, appreciating such a beautiful moment, and knowing that this is one of those very few happy days that I get to experience in life.

I finally asked her the question that I have been wanting to ask her since hours ago:

“So you’re following her (Madelene) back??” I asked.
“Yeah,” She replied.
“Where do you stay??” I asked.

I know where she stays, of course, but I thought it would look more natural if I pretended to not know. When she told me where she stayed, I offered to fetch her back, saying it’s easier for both her and her brother.

“Erm… but I’ve already told my brother to fetch me…” she replied.
“Ohh…” I smiled, feeling bitter.

I actually wanted to persuade her further, but I didn’t have the guts to do it, also with the idea that persuasion might cause annoyance. If I fetch her back home, both of us would be together and feel more comfortable to talk about the things which are personal between us.

After a long while when the lines were less overcrowded, Goon May’s sister finally managed to call me, asking me where I am. And while waiting for them to arrive, Madelene finally made the dreaded announcement that her parents might now be waiting outside. So, Voon Pang and Madelene walked off, leaving me to think quickly if that I should stand here to wait for Goon May and her sister. I thought that Goon May surely could wait for me when she arrives, and the girls’ safety were the utmost importance, so I followed Voon Pang and Madelene out The Curve, to meet up with Madelene’s elder sister, Amanda, who’s already waiting outside.

It was some hurry to get out of that place, with Madelene pretty worried that her parents might get heated if she turns-up late. We finally found Amanda standing there, accompanied by another guy, couple or friend I couldn’t tell. I stood there with them until Goon May called me once again, asking me where I am. Pretty reluctant to leave because I’m worried of them being out of my sight, looked at the boy accompanying Amanda, and told him to keep an eye out for them while I have to rush off. And I bid them goodbye. Ahh… that was the moment when Voon Pang bid me goodbye, but with a bitter smile. That was the last sight of her, and the time was about 1.15am.

I met-up with Goon May and fetched her back. However, the cars were barely even crawling out of the car park with everyone desperate trying to get out of the car park and with the massive traffic jam outside. Just trying to get out of the car park alone took me more than an hour. Perhaps it was a good thing for this massive jam to happen, because accompanied beside me was Goon May, and I really wanted to talk to her about many things about what happened today.

“So what do you think about my performance today??” I asked. “How did I do??”
“Okay lar. I saw you protecting her.” She said.

She actually noticed me trying to protect Voon Pang. I guess, for her to notice that meant that my actions were done a little too obvious.

“Don’t worry lar. I think she didn’t realise it…” She consoled me. “…or maybe she did.”

I called Madelene, asking that if they arrived back home safely, and that if Voon Pang is safe. She told me that they have already reached back home, and Voon Pang’s brother will be coming to pick her up from her place, as planned. I heaved a breath of relief; I was worried about them, after leaving without having the chance to see them off.

Goon May kept saying that she felt bad about having to trouble me to fetch her back.
“It’s really okay. I don’t mind!!” I reassured her. “Sometimes when people tell you that they don’t mind, but actually in their hearts, they do mind. But for me, I really don’t mind. I mean what I say”
“You’re very kind.” That was her reply. I didn’t expect that.

“You and her didn’t really talk today…” Goon May asked.
“Yeah… it’s just that… long time haven’t been talking to each other…” I said.
“She said she felt awkward also.” Goon May said.
“You mean, she actually said that??”
“Yeah…”

I think I should feel glad about that… because, you wouldn’t just anyhow feel awkward towards someone if nothing has happened in between both of you. And her feelings of the same awkwardness translates that there is shyness between both of us, that is because of the same reason. It would only be a weird and bad thing if she doesn’t feel awkward, because that means that she has forgotten our past, and forgotten much about me. And thankfully, the latter isn’t our situation.

With the jam giving us more private time to talk about stuff, we chatted pretty much about many things. I finally got Goon May back home, reaching only at around 3.10am.

I reached home at 3.30am, took a last smell of my collared-shirt, trying to remember the scent of it, reminding myself that it is this shirt that I wore and was close to her. I bathed, and went to sleep directly after that. It was probably 4am, by then.

This story is written on the first of January, directly after I woke up at 8am. I didn’t exactly have a good sleep, because throughout the night and even after I woke up, my head was throbbing of the memories of the night before. But the worst past is when I woke up and when I tried return to my sleep, I couldn’t because the feelings that I am missing her so very dearly kept nudging me. It is one of those moments when you feel that you miss a person so very much that you would do anything just to see that person.

Sitting here with this computer and story written in detail, I could only smell yesterday’s aerosol sprays in my head, remembering the scenes of her. Even after writing more than two hundred posts in this blog, I still fail to find words to describe my feelings right now. I feel deep, really deep, a missing patch, a growing mist of missing her. Love is like this. It is like this when you know you’re going to love only that very person, forever.

I have spent my entire New Year day writing this story. Like all the other written posts, they only serve the purpose of retaining the memory of it. It is now 11.18pm, and at this time yesterday, I am sure I was looking at her.

31 12 2008

2008-12-31T17:28:00.000+08:00

Wednesday, 31/12/08

I don’t have the time to blog. I’m supposed to go out with some friends for countdown in a few hours time. Actually, about only in two hours time.

Thing is, one of those friends is Voon Pang herself.

No, you didn’t read that wrongly or neither I am dreaming. It’s a piece of news that I just received today, as told by Madelene.

I guess that statement conjures much thought and thinking which makes up for this short post long.

I sighed. It seems that there’s a big problem with this whole planning. Perhaps it’s fate. Perhaps it is fate that is trying to stop everyone from going, so that Voon Pang and I would have a quieter surrounding, so that we have a chance to patch-up.

I don’t know. The more I think of it while writing now, the more jumbled-up my mind gets. I am now trying to keep a positive thinking, telling myself that I shall just be myself, and perform at my very best.

…because, she recognises the Kean Lee she met, more than a year ago, during that Friday afternoon.

Second Year Anniversary

2008-12-25T22:18:00.001+08:00

Merry Christmas, Thursday, 25/12/08

Today is the Second Year Anniversary of this blog.

When I first posted up my first post two years ago, I never had the slightest imagination that this blog would last till today.

Through the course of two years, this blog has gone far, although not with fame, but with experience, as a journal, as a life-love diary of myself. The truth is, I find it most cruel to stand here, looking back exactly two years ago and to realise that that memory seemed like only just two weeks ago. And in those two weeks ago, I had never imagined that I would change so much, to become more mature, to see new things, and most of all, to meet Voon Pang.

I can’t remember the reason why two years ago, I decided to start a blog on Christmas Day itself. Perhaps it was that I was bored.

I’ve got some thinking and writing to do today. I’ve got to think of what to write for Voon Pang’s and Madelene’s letter that is going to accompany their birthday presents. I haven’t even started on thinking of what to write, yet, but I know I’ve got to finish it as soon as possible because I need to get it to their hands before school reopens. I just hope that in spite that my handwriting would most probably turn out horrible, I would be able to touch her heart with my words.

Finally, I’ll end this post with a very Merry Christmas to all!! It’s nice to know that tomorrow’s a Friday, and I wonder what I’m going to do tomorrow…

Twenty Third…

2008-12-25T22:16:00.002+08:00

Tuesday, 23/12/08

There are some things that I did that makes me wonder if what I just did was right. And I’ve learned that in life, whenever we want to do something, we’ll have to think it over first, about its considerations and consequences. However, there are trying times when thinking will not help give us an answer to what we should do in very tough situations. And this is where your heart comes in. This is when you choose a path that you merely feel is more suitable to your feelings.

The days are nearing her birthday, so I need to think of the gifts that I must get for her. While I was bathing yesterday, an idea struck me. And I thought it was brilliant idea!! Since she is now working in the school bookshop, I shall get her presents as soon as possible, and hand it over to her before school reopens. This way is a more practical way, rather than having to plan a very detailed meet-up-and-delivery plan when school reopens, where I would need my friends as messengers to pass the gifts to her. Also, this way is also more viable, as I don’t have to risk the gifts being lost, unreachable, or the worst – confiscated by the school authorities.

Realising the days are nearing the end of the year; I have got to act fast, real fast. What really motivates me is the limited time I have left, with the fact that I have no idea of when she is going to stop working there. So, to make sure things go well, I rather be safe than sorry.

Not very experienced in choosing gifts, I thought it was best to ask for some help. I called up my usual friends, who we often go out together (classmates from 5 Angsana). And I know they must be the right people, because they’re both girls, and very open with me. It was all done by yesterday, and they’re all good about going out today.

I woke up at 9.30am today. I’ve got all my time very well planned:

10.30am – Got to McDonalds for a light breakfast.
11.00am – Find Abigail’s house.
11.30am – Pick Abigail up.
11.45am – Pick Hui Leng up.

It has been long since I felt so organised with my time. I feel pretty excited when I’ve got control with my time. And as for picking them up, that is the least simple courtesy that I can show since they’re both willing just to come out to help me choose gifts for Voon Pang.

Suddenly, Abigail messaged me, telling me that I don’t have to pick her up, since her mom is also going to OU. So that means I have got more time. And since I was already out of the house at 10.30am, while I’m only supposed to get Hui Leng at around noon, it would only mean that I have to hang-around somewhere to kill time.

And of all places to hang-out, I chose to drive to school. I thought that would be a good idea, since it was on the way to Hui Leng’s house…

But I know that’s just an excuse made-up by myself. I know very well the reason why I choose to hang-out in school. It’s because of Voon Pang. She’s working in the school bookshop. And although I will not be going inside the school to see her, but at least, I would feel closer to her.

When I reached school, I saw there were more cars parked outside than usual. I found it unusual because now’s the school holidays, and people don’t go to school during school holidays. Until when I saw a few parents with their children getting in and out of their cars and into the opened black-coloured school gate, I then understood why: they’re buying schoolbooks for next year.

I parked my car just outside of the school, where the Biology lab is just on my left. I continued on finishing on my McDonalds breakfast while trying to recognise the faces of the very few people who were going in and out of the school.

I thought to myself, “The gates are open, they’re people going in the school to buy books in the bookshop, so that means the bookshop is open. The guard probably wouldn’t care that if you enter, because he would think that you’re buying books, too…” And I knew this isn’t the part of the plan; I didn’t even have the intention of entering school.

The next thing I knew is that I was out of the car and walking into the school. There was a note stuck on the school wall, right beside the gates:

Kedai Buku
9.00am – 2.00pm

And I smiled. I then knew her working hours.

Surprised, I was, when the guard called out from the Guard House, asking me where I’m headed to, so I nonchalantly said “Bookstore” in Malay, while still walking in. It is pretty saddening to know that the guard doesn’t recognise you without your school uniform on while you knowing that your five years in this school moulded the most of your character and personality of your life. Perhaps that’s okay, because maybe that guard’s new. I’m pretty positive that Uncle Bala, our school warden, still recognises me.

I was walking across the school Car Park. I was walking fast because the sun’s rays were scorching me. I was practically telling myself that I’m crazy; that I’m out of my senses to know that I’m actually striding across this patch of land, and my head was knocking into me the very fact that right after this, the next thing I would see is Voon Pang.

“It’s okay. It’s just that you’re here to see if she’s really here, and if she’s doing fine.” I told myself. “You’re just going to take a peek at her.”

I slowed my steps as I reached the green shades of Taylors Walk. There was an Indian boy who I was certain he’s a student, and his mother beside him, bending forward to what I realised is a table. So, it seems there is a table put just outside the bookstore.

I was very quiet, trying to sneak myself closer to the bookshop that was just about two metres in front of me. I edged in just a little forward, trying to see the working place of hers, wondering if the heat really is a difficulty for her. I miss her very much, but I care for her even much more. I’m worried that if her nose bleeds again… or that she has got lunch everyday… or that if she’s safe working in such a dingy and shabby place…

And just that very tiny edging forward, I saw her. It wasn’t a full view of her, but rather only just the right part of her head. My heart skipped a beat. Her eyes moved up, from the table below her to where I was standing. Voon Pang saw me. Immediately, I looked away, walking off to where I came, quickly. And I thought I did very well that I was so quiet and all, but yet, she still saw me. But for the fact that I evaded quickly enough, it is still a wonder that if she recognised that it was me, Kean Lee, or not.

As I walked back to the scorching hot Car Park that was under the sun, I looked back for once, hoping that she would leave the bookshop to look at me, or that she would call out my name… or that she would run to me. But there wasn’t even a sight of her… she didn’t even come to have a lookout for me. I consoled myself, telling myself that perhaps she really didn’t recognise me…

While Abigail and I were choosing coloured envelopes, I stuttered to her, “You know… it’s like… every time it’s the same. It’s always chocolates…” Though I realised it myself, but I still found it consoling for her to repeat what I had in mind, “But it’s the heart that counts,”

The shopping for gifts today wasn’t only for Voon Pang’s birthday present, but also Madelene’s, as her birthday is just a few days before Voon Pang’s. I didn’t get anything elaborate for them, but something merely simple this year. By the looks of it, I have better start saving up when nearing the end of every year, because I want to be ‘budgetless’ when it comes to gifts for the people who matters the world to me.

Year 2008 is a bad year for me. I thought that those two times that we met would only be the two times that I met her this year, one by arrangement by Madelene, the second time by co-incidence. Today’s the third time this year, and the very first time I held the courage to go look for her. Despite that I despise myself that I still lacked the courage to make eye contact with her and talk to her in person, but I felt that I’m getting closer to what I want to become: a braver person who is finally ready to see Voon Pang in person.

And there you go: I have written another detailed story of myself after what seemed like a long time. I trust that there are readers out there who return here day after day, hopeful that there is a new story to read. And this is my Christmas gift to you, and also to myself, that I could see her.

The next post will be written tomorrow, about this blog’s second year anniversary. Rest be assured that that post will be up as soon as it’s finished writing.

The Second Outing

2008-12-24T03:10:00.001+08:00

Friday, 19/12/08

I am aware of what’s special today. Today is the day where exactly eleven months have passed since her fourteenth birthday, and exactly a month before her fifteenth birthday. I wished that I could do something special today, since today is such a special day.

And I don’t know that if I will ever publish this post.

I slept at 6am yesterday, and naturally, I’m supposed to wake up a little later this afternoon. However, I was awakened from my sleep when my mobile rang at about 1.15pm.

It was Madelene who called. She asked me what if I could go out. Without second thoughts, I agreed. She then profusely apologised for such a last minute notice, and I consoled her telling that it’s okay, because I’m free the entire day anyways. So, we agreed to meet up at OU at 2.00pm.

Arriving pretty late at 2.40pm, both of us met up. She then explained why this is such a last minute notice, but nevertheless, was very grateful that I could come out with her today.

We walked around, before accompanying me to a late lunch in Dragon-i. She didn’t really eat, but merely took a bite of a wanton that came with my noodles. And we spent the next hour or so talking with each other.

And the topic that both of us were more interested in was about Voon Pang. She shared with me of what Voon Pang was doing during this holidays, and other many little stories about her. I, too, told her some of the many things that she didn’t know of, and many of them were my memories.

Had I not went out with Madelene today, I would have regretted it a lot, because we talked pretty much about Voon Pang.

Later in the evening, we then met up with Goon May and another guy, in which I keep forgetting his name, but nevertheless, both of them my juniors that shared our 5 Angsana/1 Jati class, last year. We walked and talked and laughed about stuffs, till about 8pm, when Goon May received an SMS that informed her that she has to go home.

But it was very abrupt and unexpected that the joke of Madelene said that she could go to Goon May’s house for a visit, then come back to OU at 10.15pm became a reality, whereby her elder sister, Amanda would then have finished her Twilight movie. And so, I fetched Madelene to Goon May’s house, while Goon May’s mum fetched Goon May and that guy friend all to Goon May’s place.

Goon May’s place is a really big. Her three-storey house really gave us all surprises, although it isn’t Madelene and that guy’s first time being there. There were many rooms and lots of stuffs that amazed us all because probably we’ve never been given the privilege of such a laid-back and humble tour, courtesy of Goon May.

Or maybe it was just me myself feeling that way. Goon May and I were friends last year, where I remember during the recess of the afternoon session on Fridays, I would ask her where Voon Pang is, probably because I have something interesting to tell Voon Pang or perhaps I just wanted to see her. Actually, I think those two reasons came in a package. Oh, now I recall, there was once I was also worried about Voon Pang, because she had a nose-bleed just before classes began.

But since my friendship with Goon May didn’t have anything much to talk about, added with the time that we only occasionally see each other, our friendship wasn’t that as close, very much like what happened to the other CAMEAC members. The only two people who I knew more and seen more often were Voon Pang and Madelene, so naturally, that forged a stronger bond of friendship between me and them.

Because of a weak friendship of Goon May and I have, we no longer communicated. There were occasions where I saw Goon May in school this year when I returned for Taekwondo, but we did not greet each other, pretending that we didn’t know each other, but the real reason behind it was because of the distancing of our friendship after not seeing each for some time.

And of course, I felt bad. I felt bad for distancing apart from a friend who is a good friend of Voon Pang. And that is the story of the friendship between Goon May and I. But until today, when I saw Goon May herself when Madelene and I met up with her and that guy friend, I greeted them with enthusiasm.

After talking to Goon May today, and visiting her house, I realised that she actually is a very humble person. On top of that, even I have a difficulty in trying to describe immensely beautiful personality that is judged by her spoken words and her actions. Though living in a very big house, she speaks with a tone of respect and gentleness, offering generously of what she has. And, I am now thinking, there is a long story behind every such beautiful personality. She surely must have gone though a lot, or if not, something influential to have moulded such a personality.

Today is such an eventful day. Other than learning about new things about Voon Pang, I have learned another equally important thing: After the visit the Goon May’s place, I have seen what money can buy for me. It can buy me a big house, a big car, a big TV screen, a big hall specially for karaoke, and of course, a big grand piano. Although it is unfashionable to say this, but after all, money can never get me someone who truly loves me.

I can be staying in that big house, or maybe even bigger, and with all the money I would ever need, but all those are just physical. If I do not have that love in my heart, then I am to be compared to a shell, living in a place where I got everything I want, but empty inside my shell. Love is the only essence that can really keep you burning. Without that flame, you are merely only living a life to pass time.

And money cannot buy you respect, or pay you through tough times, relationship problems, and friendship. This is why I mentioned that perhaps, Goon May has her own story to tell. And this is also why I feel that I really want to know more of such really nice people.

As of writing, I am very shameful to still fail to recall that boy’s name. He’s a really nice person, too. Perhaps it is because younger people are more innocent in thinking, so that’s why I also feel like wanting to keep in contact with him. This person seems to be able to communicate with us, and me, although still not at the same level of thinking, but certainly more pleasurable as compared to the most of the boys who I talk to.

“...and to those men in the audience, obviously very successful men, I would remind you, what it is to truly be a man. It has absolutely nothing to do with money, achievements, skills, professions, degrees, accomplishments; a real man, loves his wife. A real man, is faithful, to his wife. And a real man, next to God and his country, puts his wife and his children, as the most important thing in his life.”

-Frank Abagnale-

Driving Alone

2008-12-22T05:11:00.000+08:00

Wednesday, 10/12/08

I must say that it sure feels good to be able to get yourself anywhere without depending so much on anyone, anymore. Last week, I had the chance to drive back home during the night, and with Yiruma’s music accompanying me, the feeling was just extraordinarily serene.

But as I looked to my left, the seat was vacant. I smiled, and pretended to speak as if someone was sitting beside me. I was driving alone in the night after dinner with my usual pals, and I was thinking of her, imagining her sitting right beside me. It was just the beginning. I’m not exactly sure of the many years to come.

And I drove to school today. I parked my car just outside the school’s gate. I winded down the windows. And, it was in the evening. That familiar scent of air and skies that greeted me every evening is still the same. The only difference was that the gates were closed, and there weren’t any students, so it was very quiet.

Sometimes, I still couldn’t believe and accept the fact that it has been many years already, since I first stepped foot into this school. But it is still the coldest hard fact that affected me the most: schooling life has already ended. Things do come to an end even if, at the beginning, we think that it seems that it will never. Ah, yes, I now remember: When I just started Form 1, I thought that I would have another five long years ahead of me, and that long journey seemed never-ending. Never had I even had the slightest imagination that I would be sitting here, missing it so very much.

Sunset

2008-12-21T06:09:00.000+08:00

Thursday, 04/12/08

The intense orange colours and hues that paint the sky just before twilight is such a beauty. Very often, I would be staring at these skies, just allowing myself to float aloft, empty in mind, except for one person. It’s like her picture, at which I could just look at it for a long time, not getting bored of it, but rather a quiet happiness that slowly seeps in; a sense of serene comfort.

Somehow or rather, I feel that sunset sits in between the fence of melancholy and beauty. And I realised that not all people knows how to appreciate this beauty. For as such, I took a picture of a really mesmerising sunset just over the rooftops of my opposite neighbours and had it for my desktop wallpaper, but ironically, Dad asked me why I had I got to put up such a ‘lousy’ picture for my monitor. Dad isn’t a sentimental person. Perhaps, he was a sentimental person before, but it’s just perhaps that as we grow older, the harsh environment forces us to see things differently as compared to before. But perhaps also, that isn’t true, because everything might just lie deep in our individual personalities.

And then, I would be imagining a walk on the beach. I love beaches, and I also really love sunsets. They blend so very well together. And I would think of holding hands. And the sea breeze with that familiar salty scent of the ocean… the sounds of the lapping ocean… Just thinking of such things really is beautiful. Hah, but really, I would want to try it out, one day. But if perhaps not having the chance to walk together with her, it would be me alone; not exactly the full package of beauty, but still a really beautiful experience.

I just passed my driving test last Monday and received my licence on the following Wednesday itself. Now having more freedom being able to get myself to places whenever I want, surely feels so very good. At least, more time accommodation is on my side now. I hope piano lessons is up next, as I no longer need to depend so much on transportation from my parents.

Of a Heart of Sympathy

2008-11-25T22:48:00.000+08:00

Monday, 24/11/08

This story continues from the post that was last written.

That friend of mine gained back my friendship after some chatting online. I thought that perhaps everything before this was just a misunderstanding. Though there was a tinge of feeling that this person is lying to me about the truths, but I shrugged off such idea, because…

…because sometimes, I think I’m too soft-hearted towards the people who I like, and feel close to. I tend to just shrug away the negativity, and even the reality if that person is truly bad. I would just be willing to believe that person is perfect, although deep down myself, I know that person has some flaws. And because of this, I tend to just forgive them even if their reasons are ridiculous, or mere lies; but as long as they show their interest in a continuation of a friendship; I know that I will easily give-in. I know I am weak in this point, but it’s because I do not have many friends.

But this person is my friend, and I believe, my close friend. Close friend – now when I type this, I think it’s not an accurate term to acknowledge that friend; because in reality, I have no close friends. Coming to think of it, I should acknowledge that person just as my good friend. To me, a close friend should be a person who understands me really well, and till date, no one ever has. I guess even if someone were to ever be my close friend, that person would be someone who loves me.

And today, another incident happened. I realised that this friend never quite apologises. Also, this friend isn’t sympathetic towards my feelings. For as such, an instance would be that a misfortune happened to me, but this friend wouldn’t even bother to throw arms of comforting words towards me. Instead, this friend chose just to walk away, to do something that interests him/her more. Moreover, this friend also did not try beating around the bush because he/she just curtly moved away from comforting me, and it was so direct that it seemed utterly rude to do so.

I find it very disheartening and disappointing because, even in my dreams, I would dream about the good things and wishes that actually happens upon this good friend of mine. Very often during my waking hours, I would tend to think of this friend, and wonder how he/she is doing. I believe this is the first time I have felt so much concern over a friend, because before this, the things that only mattered to me were my loved ones. But reality is, this friend tells me I’m considered as one of his/her good friends, but I don’t see it being shown – I don’t see such relationship being shown by this person who thinks of me as his/her “good friend”.

Why after eighteen years of my life that I’ve crossed paths with so many people, have I not found just a friend who could resonance not only with my general personality, but also with my feelings?? Could it be it’s because of my thinking that a couple of my friends tell me that I’m thinking ‘too much’??

Stomach rumbling, and I thought that maybe I could drive to McD to have supper later, but if it wasn’t for what happened that ruined my appetite, I would have been sitting down there, having my regular meal of burgers and fries.
P.S. Yes, it is true that I fear this very good friend of mine would read this, and realise that it’s actually him/herself. If this friend ever does find out, I know it’s a risk of our friendship, or perhaps, a friend who has changed for the better.

Of Feeling Used

2008-11-15T14:23:00.000+08:00

Friday, 14/11/08
(This post is different, because there’s no story to elaborate it)

When my friend needed me, that friend pleaded me for my help, and I always gave in. Sometimes, although the situation seemed hard for me to be there to help because I had something else important to do, I would always find a way out, or an excuse to push away that thing I’ve got to do, just so because I can help out that friend.

I thought I was getting closer to that friend, so I would finally have a good friend; a friendship that I can rely on, rather than always relying on the relationship of love. Because I felt that I was getting closer to that friend, I was almost about to take that friend as my very first good friend after many, many years of not having a good friend.

But today, that friend of mine pushed me away just because that friend doesn’t need my help.

I felt really heart-broken. And I realised that I’ve never quite felt heart-broken before other than the reason because of love. I guess this is my first time feeling heart-broken because of a friendship.

I feel sad because I am beginning to think of that friend as a good friend, but I realised that I’m only but a thing, a thing that is only good for using, and when not needed, it is discarded.

When I open-up to the very few people who I will begin to acknowledge as a good friend, naturally, I will become very nice to them. And maybe, I’ve become too kind to this friend until I was taken advantage of.

And I think I’m bad, because I’m debating with myself of whether I should just keep a distance away from this friend for a while, so this friend will realise an emptiness, and feel that he/she has lost something in his/her life. Then, this friend would begin to regret what he/she has done, and would try to make it up to me. But I’m not sure if I should do this, because that friend would only regret if he/she realises that he/she has unintentionally taken me for granted. Also, I’m afraid that I would lose this friend for good.

I really have put in lots of effort, in high hopes that this friend would develop a close friendship with me. But that friend has let me down, like the many others who have also let me down in the past.

Sound of Drops in the Past

2008-11-03T17:09:00.000+08:00

Monday, 03/11/08

I was sitting for one of my exams in either Form 1 or 2, I can’t really recall. I’m just very sure that it happened in the afternoon session. Everyone’s table were distanced a little away from each other, having test papers on them, and everyone was working on them. The sky outside was dark and gloomy. The fans creaked whenever a mild gust of wind blew into the class. It then started to rain, very heavily.

I smiled, enjoying the cool winds tickling me. It’s a rare chance to experience such beauty. Ah, now I remember, I was sitting for a BM paper. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew, carrying a mist of rain in it, wetting our papers. The teacher in charge ordered us to cram a little to the left of the classroom, away from the windows on the right of the classroom. The sound of the plastic tables and chairs could be heard screeching of all a sudden, with my classmates scurrying away from the damp wind. Even my test papers were almost blown away if I’d not clamped it instinctively with my arm.

The sound of raindrops hitting the ground at that moment, the atmosphere, the skies, and everything… it’s still so vivid inside my memory. I love everything about it, and really miss it very much.

At 4.55pm now, they’re taking their exams in school, accompanied by the rain that’s pouring heavily outside. At this very moment, they should be enjoying such beauty that they’re experiencing, and in years to come, they would probably reminiscence this memory like I always do when it rains. But I missing so much of these memories… it doesn’t mean that it gives me a chance to experience them again, and that’s why remembering such memories casts a melancholic feeling inside me.

The Long Awaited “Yiruma Vol. 6 - P.N.O.N.I”!!!

2008-10-31T23:50:00.000+08:00

Friday, 31/10/08
This post perhaps is a little different from my other writings.

Again it’s the last day of another month. I’ve been pretty busy with a couple of things, lately, mostly about the many things running inside my head.

But I bear good news. The coming month of November, I think I will be sticking on with this blog. The reason is because I don’t really like returning to a stagnant blog, not to even mention a blog of my own. I feel that I want to keep it running, if not for myself, then it’s for the few eager readers who never fail to visit this blog every day. As so, I shall begin to update new (but old stories – written months back then) posts every now and then (probably every 2-3 days).

And about the latest update on the issue about getting my own domain, I think I shall pop a few questions, here and there, learning a little more on how it works first, before I really consider if that’s suitable for me. Meanwhile, I think I should be considerate by updating this blog while I take the time of my life making this very simple decision.

If you’d noticed, today’s a Friday!! And I love Fridays. It so happened that the end of this month falls on a Friday, which conjures a good-spirited mood in me. Though I feel like writing a decent post, but I must admit that I have lost my touch in my writing after toning-down a lot in the past few months.

Less melancholy this post shall be, as I think I should be updating on the very events that are happening lately.

Firstly, now it’s the End-Year Exams for the Form 2’s. I guess it’s because of that, that’s why she didn’t come online for more than a month. I worryingly asked Madelene some weeks back then, but she reassured me that everything’s fine, and even added (before I asked) that she certainly didn’t block me. But whatever it is, I really, sincerely wish that everything would be good for her in this term’s examination. Cliché as ‘absence makes heart grow fonder’ may sound, but I really miss her, a lot. I really want to see her…

Next, putting up many Yiruma’s music’s on this blog before would have certainly realised you that I’m a Yiruma fan. Before I share my story of Yiruma moments, I guess introducing him a little should do a little justice: Yiruma is a popular (unpopular, at the same time) Korean pianist who plays piano music’s of the new-age genre. However, he’s particularly famous for his melancholic piano pieces such as “Kiss The Rain” and “River Flows In You”. His popularity begun when he played many soundtrack pieces in Korean soaps such as “Winter Sonata”, and “Spring Waltz”.

After listening to all his albums, I became so hooked and addicted to his pieces, and have then made the resolution to purchase all his entire discography of albums. But after searching high-and-low for his original label-albums virtually almost in every CD shop I’ve passed-by, I reaped nothing but disappointment. Thus, I resorted to the internet for his albums, and found almost everything. The collection of his albums started last year, and till date, I’ve collected almost the entire discography, except for 2 albums left. Of course, such erratic ambition also burnt an ungodly big hole in my pocket, not even mentioning extra shipping charges and the currency conversion.

And after waiting and wondering for a long time when will Yiruma make a come-back (or that if he would even make a come-back) since he left for the mandatory Korean military service two years ago, I guess my thoughts poured over it was worthwhile after all. Because he did make a come-back. In fact, I think this come-back a little too big for my heart to take. When I read about it on the net, my heart almost burst out of excitement, literally.

Yiruma would be releasing his 6th album: P.N.O.N.I., and it stands for “Piano And I”, which I think it’s a pretty creative abbreviation. The album’s release date is set on the 30th of October 2008, which just was only yesterday. However, the news of him releasing this album came out only on the 25th October 2008, and I had only read about this shocking news on the 27th October 2008. I think it’s a pretty close date since the announcement of the news and the release date. If he would have announced it earlier or pushed the release date a little later, at least that would have built lots more anticipation for his fans. Nevertheless, I wouldn’t complain at all about the short announcement and release date, because since I read about his new album on the 27th, the next three days wait already inflicted great anticipation in me which seemed to last for three months instead.

It’s not the end of shocks that rolled in simultaneously when I knew about his new album: I also read that Yiruma’s doing a nationwide concert tour in Korea, in which he will be playing many of his famous pieces. And the concert has a very unique name, “Ribbonized”, in which it’s also a title of one of his pieces in the latest album. Reading further, my heart dropped when I was reminded that I don’t live in Korea, and that simply means dropping a hard fact that I wouldn’t be able to attend any of his many concerts. The Korean site of his original music label, Stomp Music, also stated prices of the tickets, in which the cheapest of all stands at a staggering 55,000 won (about RM157).

But the mother of all shocks is only about to be announced. Fans of the book, “Twilight” that have been following and waiting impatiently for the Hollywood movie based on the storybook, also named “Twilight”, should know that there’s a rumour spread across the internet, even fiercer than wildfire, that one of the soundtracks that is going to be played in the movie named, “Bella’s Lullaby”, perhaps is going to be Yiruma’s “River Flows In You”. However, Bella’s Lullaby will be played by Carter Burwell, and not Yiruma, nor the title for this particular music in the upcoming movie would be called River Flows In You.

Being a Yiruma fan long before even the idea of this movie to be produced, I certainly got a rude shock when I got to know about this. At first, it was totally unacceptable to me that one of Yiruma’s most beautiful, noted, and famous pieces that was composed long before even the book Twilight was written is going to be used in the movie. Knowing that it’s such a good music, it certainly would boost the movie’s revenue.

But I’m not unhappy about that if that the movie would benefit more though the use of Yiruma’s piece or not, but it’s actually because I share a very beautiful memory of her and me together that has an essence of Yiruma in it. Of course it’s a good thing that Yiruma will be more famous because this, but then, this sudden surge of ‘tsunamic-attention’ towards Yiruma makes me feel as if the ‘beauty’ and ‘sacredness’ of our memory would be tainted just because of people who become sudden-Yiruma-fans, just because of the influence of a Hollywood movie. Then, it would seem that everyone is a Yiruma-fan-wannabe.

But after much talking, this controversy that has been going inside me, and perhaps to all the other people who feels the same as I do, and as much as they want to protect their memory, this rumour will remain as much as a rumour, no matter how much people talk about how true it is, until the truth is revealed when the original soundtrack is released. Unfortunately and ironically, no matter how much is said, the damage is already done. Now people know about River Flows In You, now they know about Yiruma, and it’s all because of the rumour (or truth) that spawned from the production of the movie.

Moving on to the next topic, I’m in a painstakingly-hard process of trying to obtain my driving licence. The reason why it’s ‘painstakingly-hard’ is because of some tight procedures that is too complicated to be explained here, or maybe it’s just because I want to save my own soul, that’s why I think its best that I just keep my gab shut about this.

I guess that’s all about the updates in my life, currently, or until I remember if there’s any, they will be subsequently added into the fore-coming posts. Pondering a little as I write, I wonder if this type of writing should be better. Maybe not, if I should choose to write about more memory and melancholic stories about my life, because this tone and way of writing just doesn’t fit that kind of mood.

And there will be an update tomorrow, until I change my mind at the last-minute.

A Breeze of Time

2008-09-30T23:57:00.000+08:00

Tuesday, 30/09/08

Another month had passed.

Another filling I have to make.

It has been very much the same, lately, like always. Feelings of missing her are always in my heart, like always. And I love her very much, like always.

I still haven’t rethink over my life yet. And as days go by, it just gets messier and messier, with more and more thoughts clogging in my head. And it had come to a point for me to contemplate that if I really am recuperating.

I saw her pictures, again, just moments before I wrote this. And I desperately want to see her, again.

Just a Filling

2008-08-31T23:58:00.000+08:00

Sunday, 31/08/08

This is the 200th post. But it isn’t supposed to be the 200th post since there is a writing that initially reached this mark, but since that one didn’t go up before this, so this post takes the cake.

It has been exactly a month since I last updated this blog. However, it’s not that I’ve been busy, or have abandoned writing, but in fact many things has happened and they’re all written, but I’ve chosen not to have it posted up yet while I try to make up my mind in getting my own domain. There are several reasons why I’m thinking of a private domain, and if I open one, it’ll be explained there.

And this post is written just to fill in at-least-one-post-a-month for August, so it won’t look as if August 2008 has been missing from the Archive on the right sidebar.

I’m not sure yet about the private domain issue, but something happened yesterday that further convinced me to proceed with opening a private domain.

After close to two years since this blog has been opened, it has reached a mean daily unique visits of about 12-14 visitors per day. I believe it’s a good number since I’ve not promoted my blog and asking people to read it, although I’ve once registered the URL in some search engines in the very beginning of its birth. So I guess there actually are readers out there. And because of that, you can be rest assured that I’ve not stopped writing, and will not, for a very long time until… I don’t know when that time will come. Also, if you’ve been catching up with the stories and eager for more, I apologise for all these happenings, but it’s just a matter of time before you’ll start to read it again.

Because I feel lonely…

2008-07-31T02:03:00.000+08:00

Sunday, 27/07/08

…of Freda, one of the people most important and significant in my life.

There isn’t anyone I think I can comfortably share my problems with. There isn’t anyone who I can hug and cry on that person’s shoulder. Even the people who I feel closest to; I feel as if they’re drifting away from me. I just feel so lonely.

I have many feelings, but they seem to be getting more complicated as time passes on, and so as to express it in words. That’s why I haven’t been coming up with new posts lately.

But there is one thing very clear inside myself that I can feel. I feel that my heart now is much, much closer to Freda now. I feel a greater need to be closer to her in spite of her not feeling it. Back in those days when we first met, she would be the first one to greet me first when I come online. We were much closer to each other, back then. Our online conversation would flow very normally and she would usually be the one who will be talking the most, and sometimes I feel very sorry that I replied her late, because I was busy doing other stuffs.

But now, it has changed. When both of us are online, she wouldn’t greet me first, anymore. It’s either I had to begin first, or there wouldn’t be any conversation for the day. No, it’s not that our relationship suffered an unfortunate incident, but I guess it’s just that things seem to ‘wear out’, and probably it means that our conversation topics are pretty much exhausted. When I realised this change, I thought that perhaps she was going through some problems and offered to help in her every way I can, but she denied of encountering any difficulties.

During my time of hardships, she would be the one who’s trying to help me out, and trying her very best efforts to console me. Perhaps it was that time I relied on her as the person closer to me to anyone else, because I could always talk to her online when I have feelings to express, and things to tell. It is this companion who I knew that whenever I come online, I would definitely have a person to talk to.

But the change in this behaviour amongst us made me feel as if I’m losing a person most important to me. She doesn’t tell me many things nowadays. I’m beginning to fear that she doesn’t see me as highly as before.

Comparing our relationship before then and now, to me, I feel that our relationship is deteriorating. This beautiful person who I always talked to and relied upon… and gradually became closer to my heart… and now that I feel so lonely, and have no one to hold on to, I try to grasp her hands, but realise that her behaviour towards me… it leaves me a very painful impression that I am really losing her…

My heart is already sore. Every night, there is a moment I will spare looking at their pictures, retrieving the delicate memories when we were once together, and it is those moments every night, my chest sears, and droplets of tears form, streaming down my cheeks through the side if my eyes.

A boy grown to a height, dark-brown haired, facial hair developed. He looks matured and of his age. He smiles when he sees his friends. Friends; does he even have any?? He walks to a place where there is much less people, overlooking the scenery painted by nature, and he closed his eyes. No one knows what and how much he has gone though this period of time. No one sees the amount of suffering behind that smile. His chest hurt so much that he thought he would die from a heart attack one day. After all he has done, he is still nobody: no one knows him. He is as insignificant as a speck of dust rested on an untouched figurine decoration. Although he has people most important to him, but they are merely people who he has the feelings and impression of with the utmost love and respect in his heart, but these people do not even know that such feelings of him exists for them.

He is housed by a physical body, but inside, he is all alone. He is so lonely, tired and exhausted.

It’s about Time

2008-07-28T01:50:00.000+08:00

Friday, 17/07/08

I wonder when I can finally put down my pen after writing the last post entitled “The End”. That is just a matter of time, although I don’t know exactly when, but I know that day is out there, somewhere. It’s like I’ve said that I will know that when the time comes, naturally, I will know, and that is the time I will see her. But I’m feeling very tired already.

I have been waiting for that moment for months. It has almost been a year. Situation tightens, matter become more complicated as time passes by. I realise not too long ago that this year’s Taekwondo will come to an end… and it’s only a few weeks away from now. Give it at most…maybe two weeks.

This means I wouldn’t be able to return to school. And I’ve given it some thought about next year – I don’t think I will return anymore. This leaves me in a very difficult position. This means that I won’t get to see her again, till something really special happens. Because of this hard fact, I really need to see her. The chance is still here, and I won’t let it go to waste anymore, like all the previous Taekwondo classes.

In fact, I had tried today to try to see her, but it turned out to be a failure. But today, Freda spent her whole recess chatting with me, so I felt really happy. I asked her where are her friends, Elysia and Amanda who she always hang-out with, and she said they were eating in the canteen. And I was surprised to hear that, because instead of being with them, she chose to rather spend her whole recess with me.

There’s also this guy who I got to know this year, Quan Yi who is also from Taekwondo. He’s one of those people who I really feel like I want to hang-out with because of his personality. He has a girlfriend, whose name I won’t mention. And just today, I asked him who is she, and he had a little laugh, leaned back, and secretly pointed to his right whereby a girl is sitting just next to him. How could I haven’t guess it was her, as they’re sitting together so closely. I laughed to myself, and felt a pity for her – Quan Yi is migrating to Australia next year.

“So she (his girlfriend) must be very sad lah that you’re leaving next year??” I asked him much later when we’re having our warm-up.
“Sad. Cry some more… but didn’t cry in front of me lah.” He laughed.

This is why I like this guy – being so frank yet sarcastic.

Every Friday when I return to school, my mind conjured an idea that I’m being ‘uninvited’ there. The feeling is really unpleasant. The feeling is like questions being asked (in my own mind): “Why do you return to school even after you have graduated?”

When I was still schooling, there were some seniors who constantly return to school (what for, I don’t know). Then I thought to myself: “What’s the purpose of them coming back to school??”

It’s a very silly thought. Maybe it’s just me thinking too much, but maybe some other might have the same thinking as me too. So there’s this feeling of shamefulness when I return to school every Friday. To add insult to injury, there aren’t many friends who I know already, because most of them had either gone back home, or have graduated already. It’s true that I still have a lot of friends in Form 2, but the only time I can see them is only during their recess.

That is the reason that forced me into consideration that I wouldn’t be returning next year, and the years to come. This and everything is driving me crazy. I don’t think I can last any longer and go any further. Although there isn’t any progress at all between me and her, but it seems to build pressure onto me, day by day. And I feel that I’m already very full to the brim, and about to explode.

Walking Down the Memory Lane

2008-07-12T12:34:00.000+08:00

Friday 11/07/08

The title of this post is inspired by a friend of mine who I used to mix more often than others in my class during my Form 4 days.

It is 12.05pm now. I wind back my memories to four years ago, when I was still in the days of my Form 2.

The television is turned on in the living hall upstairs with a Korean drama called ‘Lovers In Paris’ being aired. I’m in the toilet gelling my hair, and often keep walking out to the living hall which was just outside the bathroom to watch the drama, while preparing myself for school. Korean dramas usually play from 11am to 12pm on TV2. The school bus will come approximately at 12pm and I will reach school at around 12.40pm. If I reach school early, such as just a little later than 12.30pm, there will be a bunch of morning session students walking out from school. I made an assumption that the morning session ends classes at around 12.30pm on Fridays.

When I reach school at around 12.40pm, I would feel so free because I could roam around the school aimlessly… but yet feeling so lonely at the same time, as there aren’t many people in school at this time because the afternoon class sessions only begin at 2.30pm. I would go upstairs and into every class to take a look at their bulletin boards, walk around the school a couple of times till I got bored of it, and sit down on the pavilion, under the big blue zinc shelter above me. All these would only happen on Fridays, and I always liked Fridays.

Those were my memories during my Form 2 days. It was almost exactly the same memories when I was in Form 1. Now, I bring myself back to the time when I was in Form 4.

I glance at my watch countless times as I wait impatiently for the bell to ring at 12.30pm. I have to stay back every Friday because I have Taekwondo on Fridays at 3.00pm. So, I have two-and-a-half hours to do whatever I want in school. I will have my lunch later in the canteen then take a slow stroll around school. I enjoy looking at my little juniors who are in school at such an early hour and I will be reminded of myself coming to school so early every Fridays, years ago.

Often, I will enter one of the many empty classes (usually in Block C where it overlooks the vast green school field) and take a seat by the window. The school is always very quiet at this time. The whole surrounding makes me feel so peaceful. The screams and yells of both teachers and students, nor can the monstrous feet stampedes of students running can be heard at this hour. The only thing I get to hear is the distant Islamic prayer callers and the roaring engines from the highway that is visible from the place I am sitting… and of course, the calming rustling sound of the leafs makes when a breeze is blown. I am just a class or two away from my former class, Form 1, 2, and 3 Meranti. Memories flood into me, and occasionally, these emotions overwhelm me. I do not know how many of my seniors who are like me, and have been doing this before in the past before my presence here, but I believe I am not the only one.

I thought those were going to be my fate for Fridays. Although I went though it every single Friday in year of 2006, when I was still in Form 4, but I still liked the beauty and peace of Fridays that always made me feel so happy and peaceful after a hectic week in school. I always thought that I had to go through another whole year of Form 5 with my current dry 4 Angsana class. And I had almost no doubt that it would be another dry and rumble of a year with this class of mine. I sighed.

You all know I was then, wrong. Things turned out otherwise. Voon Pang, Madelene, and Freda turned up, along with some other friends too. Instead of the dreading feeling that I want to finish school life, I was rather ecstatic about how fast the time passed and there are so much more that I had to do, yet not having enough time to finish them. I did my very best of my efforts.

I imagine her preparing for school at this time, 11.30pm. I used to start preparing myself for school around this time during my afternoon session schooling days. She would take a bath, then check her schoolbag, and have lunch and it would already be 12.00pm. Then, she would wait for her transport to pick her up and she would reach school around 12.30pm.

*There was a long break when this post was written. Below is the incident that was written after I came back from school, after Taekwondo.*

The time now is 6.45pm. Some 2 kilometres away from the place I’m sitting here, the bell of my school rings. The dragging of chairs when students stand up and the unanimous chantings of students thanking their teachers are heard. The faces of the students lit with a glow as they remembered that it’s Friday and they have two long days of break.

When I entered school, I think I saw Freda, but many people were crowding her, so I didn’t dare to approach her. But that wasn’t really the point, because I don’t think she’s Freda. Then as I was heading towards the School Hall, I think saw Madelene from a distance. My heart told me it was her, but I denied it and turned away instead. I sighed at myself, thinking I should have trusted what my heart told me instead.

I saw Elaine, too. Our eyes met each other. I smiled at her, and her eyes widened. “Kean Lee…” she called out my name in a very sweet tone. “Hai…” I replied, smiling. She seemed happy to see me, somehow after a long time not seeing each other. We stared at each other for a short moment, then I gestured by putting a finger to my lips, signalling to her that I hope she wouldn’t say anything to Voon Pang about my presence here. She said “Okay!!” smiled, and nodded then walked off. But what I’m really surprised is that though we’ve not talked and seen each other for some time, but she stills remembers me. She still remembers my name “Kean Lee…”

Taekwondo practice was as usual but as the grading gets near, the tension builds up. All in all, I thought it wasn’t really a wonderful day for me. Yes, it’s true that I saw Freda, Madelene, and Elaine… but I somehow felt that that wasn’t enough to make me all happy. Maybe I was expecting more than this… expecting something more special to happen. Deep down, I really feel that I want to talk to them. I believe it’s because I didn’t talk to them, that’s why I wasn’t really in a jovial mood.

Taekwondo ended. I walked out of the Hall consoling myself in my head that it’s okay. I went to my bag which was placed on the wooden bench and stood there for a while. I sighed, thinking that there are maybe a few more Fridays that things will turn out better. As I was standing there, a Taekwondo friend talked to me but I wasn’t in the mood for anything other than the people most important to me. After a light conversation, we bid each other goodbye.

The moment that friend walked away, I looked up and saw two girls on the first floor right beside the Girls’ Toilet, looking at me. I took a short moment to recognise who I was seeing. A very nice feeling of a shock went through my head. The girl on the left was Madelene. She smiled and waved at me first, from the first floor. I was utterly surprised in a pleasant way. I waved and smiled at her too. She must have waited for me from the first floor for me to see her, because she seemed to be standing there looking at me, even before I saw her, and she had waved to me first upon our eyes met. However, I don’t know who’s standing next to her, but I know I’ve seen her before.

After waving and smiling at each other happily, I turned my head to another direction (out of awkwardness and shyness) and she walked away to my left and out of sight (I believe she also felt awkward and shy, too). Her friend that was beside her was still standing there looking at me for a moment, then looked to her right to face Madelene that was hidden from my sight, and she seemed to be asking Madelene something. I laughed and enjoyed that scene. As I looked away again once more, they left, probably back to their classes.

A day which I thought would end up pretty disappointingly turned out to be something so special at the end of the day. My mind was constantly celebrating: “Madelene was waiting for you to say Hi!!” Needless to say, I was very happy. I couldn’t believe that she would actually wait there with her friend for my eyes to meet hers.

It’s these little bits and pieces of what life can give me to keep me moving everyday. It’s like love. You need love to keep living. I don’t know when I will be experiencing another nice moment, because things like these comes by so rarely.

On The Bus

2008-07-09T18:14:00.001+08:00

Wednesday, 09/0708

Just yesterday, I felt pretty disappointed with a person who I thought that person was worthy enough for me to acknowledge as a friend. It wasn’t a long time that we got to know each other, but I felt that person’s attitude towards me wasn’t worthy for me to look-up to as something who I see as a friend. It’s a pretty complicated story and I don’t wish to mention names, hence this is all that I’ll write. I have decided to not acknowledge that person as my friend, anymore.

I was on the bus yesterday, on my way back home. All the seats were occupied and I didn’t really like so cold looks of strangers all around me. The sky was already dark.

I had to stand for almost the whole journey. I thought of her. If one day we were to board a bus and all the seats were occupied, I would stand next to her. I imagined the scene that a hand of mine was holding tightly to the handle above me, while my other hand wrapped round her waist, holding her close to me. In that scene, she was also hugging me.

It is a scene. It is a feeling of protecting her. I think that I often think too much.

Since when have you talked to your loved one?? Since when have you seen him/her smiled at you??

I feel like watching Autumn In My Heart, all over again. I cried again when I saw this clip:

…And I uploaded this music… I have been searching it for years, but to no avail, I still couldn’t find its title.

Nal tonan koya

The Drying Stories

2008-07-07T17:46:00.005+08:00

Monday, 07/07/08

I have once drunk three-quarters of a 750ml bottle of red wine all by myself. I have never celebrated alcohol’s existence. It’s just that, at that moment I felt really, really down. Needless to say, I got very drunk.

July is here. There is a boy standing back, looking at the world go pass by. The months age older and the merciless hands of the clock go in circles, but never stopping for once. Everyone in life carries on with their daily lives, as if it were just like every other day. A tear lost touch from his eyelids and hit on the hard cold ground. He was the only person still back in time, realising that no one or nothing would care any more about him. He’s alone. His stories have ended.

I have been writing mostly on my feelings, and less about experiences for the past seven months. It also simply meant that I didn’t know much about her updates in school. She also have not been coming online often lately. When I close my eyes, many images of us appear before me. Often I mistake myself as really experiencing it, but only when I open my eyes, I realise I had fell asleep.

If she could just once talk to me, laugh, cry, and ask me to do her a favour… I would still feel that I’m protecting her. All I could do now is just to ask her closer friends of latest updates of her, her happiness, and her health. I want to do more than that, but it just seems that the situation is limiting me from doing what I’m supposed to do. I return to school every Friday to feel close to her… to feel that I’m beside her, on the ready to protect her from harm… and I ask myself: Is this really all that I can do??

I’m having a week’s holiday now from my studies. I need to rethink my life, reorganise everything. If I were to think of a change, whether drastic or minor, it would be my first change since I realised my feelings for her last year.

It gets me tired having to be stuck in this feelings for such a long time. I think of those people who have lost their loved ones forever, for they have passed away, and that must have been even worst. But, at least they could cherish the memories of them holding each other’s hands, and hugging each other so tightly. At least they had the memories loving each other.

These are some Jay Chou's musics which I listen to nowadays.

his First Class –class of the First Formers

2008-06-30T01:28:00.000+08:00

Sunday, 29/06/08

During my schooling days, occasionally there are temporary teachers on internship who will take-over my teacher of a particular subject. As we’ve all experienced it, we knew it was fun time when this happens, because these temporary teachers aren’t strict. In fact, there are even some of these teachers who get bullied!!

The thought of me applying for an internship in this school has crossed my mind a couple of times. I have put on some sincere thoughts about it. Although I do not have a passion in teaching, but I’m doing this out of a purpose: to rekindle my memories, and to show many things to those eager young minds in school.

Unlike all my previous entries which I wrote based on experience, this entry is a little different, as it’s an imagination of perhaps something that I would be going through in the near future.

I’m walking along the corridors to 1 Meranti. Today’s the tenth day of schooling for the Form One’s, and my first day on internship in this school. I have not prepared a script or plan about what I am to do today, as I believe things turn out better for me if I go impromptu.

Here it is; the class that I will be entering first. I took a deep breath, and entered the class, wearing a smile on my face, trying to not look intimidating. As I entered the class, the chattering turned down, bodies sat upright, and all innocent eyes focused upon me.

I smiled even broader. My heart melted to see the little boys and girls peering curiously at me.

“I remember myself not too long ago that I was one of you, so young, so naïve,” The class quietened down further. “I am no different from every one of you.”

“I also vividly remember my first day in secondary school, and everything that happened. Everything seemed like it happened just months ago.”

The dark brown eyes of these little students peered into mine, trying to figure out the hidden meaning I’m about to reveal to them.

“I was once a student from this school.” Immediately, many whispers were exchanged. I paused to enjoy the surprised looks lit up on their faces. “Co-incidentally, 1 Meranti was my class too, and it was in this very same class.”

“I sat here, with a male student.” I pointed to my left, the second last row of the class. “I know all of you must be surprised of what I’m saying now, and it may seem untrue to you. You know, it still puzzles me that my life has always been like a well-plotted storyline that every piece of puzzle seems to fit perfectly well together.”

“I came back here to teach, of course, if not why would I even be standing here. You job is to learn, and mine’s to teach. But really,” I paused and looked into their eyes. “it would be too boring to only have one objective: I teach, you learn.”

“In fact, all of you will have a purpose very soon, other than coming to school to study. Some of you will be eager to come to school to mix around with your new buddies, and well some of you will… hmm… eager to see the person who you like…” I trailed off as the class made a unanimous sound of disgust. I laughed at their reaction. “Really!! I mean, all of you have experienced this in primary school, isn’t it?? And I must confess here that I came to school often for that purpose, ha ha!!”

The class’ loosened up. They seem more comfortable now with me.

“I had many memories when I was in this school throughout the five years. And here you are, only in your first day of school!! I know many of you now are eager to see what’s coming up next, but mark my words, you will all get bored very soon and begin to miss your primary school life.

“But then again, in a matter of moments, you will all turn to like this school and start to forget about your primary school days. I actually came back here for two reasons, other than to teach you guys, that is because I want to remember about my memories when I was your age. Next of course, is to show you that secondary school life isn’t all about studying – it’s about experiencing and loving your time now. These are my purposes. You will find your purpose soon, and that will be your secondary school life memory… and maybe a few of you will turn up in the future of where I’m standing.

“You will be seeing many temporary teachers like me in the future, and let me assure you, while of course some will turn out pretty nasty if you’re not so lucky, but you’ll find them mostly to be very kind-hearted.”

A student abruptly popped up a question to me: “Teacher, how long will you be here till??”

“That answer I can’t be sure of. But it would range from a few months to half-a-year I suppose.” The students sighed. “Well, I guess by that response means I’m getting along with you guys, heh.” They giggled, while some sarcastically denied it.

“Believe me, one day you will be telling all these stories of yours to your juniors, or at least, be advising them about what they should do.” I looked at my watch and realise my time has passed. “But as for now and starting from today onwards, you will expect a long journey ahead of you that never seems to end. Five long years you will have to go through… you have a long way to go. In our coming classes, I will retell stories to you about my five years in this school and you will see that after all, this journey will one day, will come to an end – it’s not a forever thing, you know.”

“Well, time’s up for my coffee break!!” I cheered while they cheered too. I thought they should be protesting instead, since they liked me or something. After thanking me, I walked out of the class, anticipating another session of class with them. As I walked out of class, the noise turned to become somewhat similar to a night market. That noise brought back so many memories: I was one contributor to that noise during my days.

As weeks passed by, I taught them according to the syllabus and schedule given to me by teacher, while incorporating my experiences with them during our much appreciated free time available. Apparently, they liked those story-telling sessions as much as I like to tell them. Time has passed so quickly that I didn’t really notice it. Most of the evenings that passed by painted the same orangey and golden hue in the sky, but just different patterns of the clouds displayed every evening. It is time that I must leave and continue on with life.

In total, I had taught four classes and shared all the same stories to all of them. The week before I had to leave, they threw me a party, like all the other students did during my days when the most favoured internship teacher had to leave. I believe I had done well and have gained a place in their hearts. It has been an experience, and another memory to remember.

Open Day 2008

2008-06-26T16:30:00.000+08:00

Wednesday, 25/06/08

I watched Kung Fu Panda last Saturday and a character, Master Oogway said something really hilarious: “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery!! … but today’s a gift. That’s why it’s called ‘present’.

Every year’s Open Day was very typical for me. It’s the school rule that parents should come only after the recess to collect their children’s report card. Classes, as usual, are still on before recess. And for the whole day long, students will be having wild guesses of what bad comments the teachers will say to their parents, thus, this explains every students’ fear of the Open Day.

The amount of students lessened with time. It’s already about 5 in the evening. The school is unusually quiet. A mild gust of wind blew, bring along its evening smell of the air. My parents couldn’t come to get my report card today as they’re still at work. But I didn’t mind, because this isn’t the first time. In fact, I liked it the way it is now, because I can get to stay back in school and chat with my friends. But that moment doesn’t last long, as their parents came and went, taking them back one after another. I have always liked the evenings, maybe not so much for a particular reason… maybe I just like the smell and orange glow of the evenings that isn’t hot. I’m still a fourteen year old boy, here standing out of the classroom in Block C.

Classes were as usual before the recess bell went off. I went down to the canteen to have a chat with my friends, asking each other when our parents will arrive. Dad’s coming at eleven plus today. The morning sun already so scorching and I could feel the heat even sitting under the roofed canteen. Today would be the last open day for me, I suppose. I don’t know what’s in store for me the next day. My friends started to arrange the chairs for the in-coming parents. As usual, my form teacher, Pn. Saik started instructing us to do this and that.

Dad came at about eleven plus, just as he said he would yesterday. No, I’m not feeling anxious or nervous because I’ve been though so many open day’s and it turned out alright. However, the only thing that wasn’t alright was only when my primary school teachers commented that I was noisy in class. However, I’m pretty curious how Pn. Saik’s going to talk about me to Dad, for the fact that she’s rarely in our class because she teaches Physics and we always have both our Physics lab activities and lessons in the Physics lab.

Very surprisingly, Pn. Saik commented that I’m a very quiet boy in class!! This is very unexpected of her. It could have been something nasty that she could have said. I thought of it, and realise it’s quite true of what she just said. Throughout these five years, I’ve unconsciously changed with the course of time. Now, I don’t even realise myself turning into a quiet person. Despite that, I do understand the cause the change of my behaviour. “Kean Lee, you should open up and speak more, you know?” she added.

Dad asked about the dates of my SPM, and when Pn. Saik finish speculating the days left to SPM, I was little surprised how much time left I had. Dad creased his forehead, clearly absorbing this hard fact that SPM’s just merely a few months away. I sighed. There are many things in my head, other than SPM.

After that, we Dad went to the post office near Atria before sending me home. While in the car, Dad discussed the issue of me having to study harder, and of course, put more effort into my academics. Dad’s just concerned and love me, that’s all. For me, I’m filled with many thoughts to digest, and many other things to do and finish-up. It seems that the pressure of me being in the last year is building up quickly, similar to a geometric progression.

Ah, writing about this memory now, I remember that I’ve once written about this before, last year. (But unfortunately, I can’t seem to find that link to that post… it’s hidden somewhere, that I’m sure.) Maybe if Pn. Lim (my Biology teacher, also my Buddhist Society teacher-in-charge) were to be the one commenting about me, she would surely have said the otherwise of what Pn. Saik said: I’m very noisy in class. Well… at least that’s true when I’m attending the Buddhist Society class…

Another year has passed, and here I sit down blogging when my peers and I, a year ago is awaiting our parents’ arrival to collect our report cards. I wonder how is it like in school now. Surely it must have been very much the same as compared to last year and the years before.

I’m feeling anxious, actually. It’s not as if I’m going to be waiting for my parents to come to collect my report card, and talk to my form teacher. I’m actually anxious for Voon Pang and Madelene. I hope they will get good comments from their teachers. But I’m sure they will, for as they’re very smart students. I hope everything goes well for them today.

Idling to Remember… to Picture…

2008-06-25T20:22:00.000+08:00

Monday, 23/06/08

This post is dedicated to a reader, whom I asked of what topic that reader wanted to read about.

I had lunch at McDonalds around the area I’m living, today. I occasionally treat myself to such expensive foods as I’m only just but a student. Somehow, my surroundings around me started to reveal itself. It was like an insight – realising and learning from your surroundings like you’ve never done before. Everything I saw became my teachers. It’s like an enlightenment to me. I do not know the cause of this abrupt awakening, but I was enjoying what I’m seeing.

The table in front of me was occupied with a group of Chinese, and a Malay. They were enjoying their chat very much, joking about many things. Despite of the strong accent the Chinese wore when they spoke Malay, the things that they intended to convey to each other flowed so smoothly. It was so harmonious, as if radiating so much peace when I saw it.

Few tables opposite mine seated a pair of parents. They were chatting to each other relaxingly, moving from one topic of conversation to another. They had a child, and he is boy. Looking from afar, and judging from the expression that the father wore, I could see that he is a very nice father. He was laughing occasionally, while trying to coax his little boy to finish his meal, while his child was rather more interested in the playfield. That father reminded me of myself. In another few moments, I will, too, age and become like him, white-haired, and wearing large glasses. Old he looks, but very loving at heart.

There was a woman who came with her daughter and they found their seats two tables opposite of mine. The little child, probably five years of age, looked very cute and adorable. Like in the eyes of every little kid, there is this glow of innocence. Similar in the eyes of every old person, you could inside of how much endurance, hardships, and experiences that they went through. I was reminded of my children in the near future when I saw that little girl. My eyes got wet. Tears almost flowed out the corners of my eyes. Children… I don’t even know that I will get married someday…

I remember a blog entry written by a friend of mine. It was already hours after midnight, probably around 1 or 2 in the morning and my friend casually exclaimed that she felt like eating something specific (I think it was Roti Tisu, if I’m not mistaken). Without any further hesitation, her father brought her out that instant and searched for what she wanted to eat. That short story moved my heart and my eyes became wet. This is the love of a father. This is what love that I’ve always been reminding myself of.

Moments later, there came a man along with his son. They both had the same hairstyle, as if their excess hair was trimmed off the coconuts that were placed on their heads. I observed them further. The boy went to the playfield to play, while the father casually flipped the pages of the book the child’s book that was entitled, “How Things Worked”. He was mumbling some words, over and over again as he was reading the pages, as if trying to get the pronunciation right. When the boy came back, he uncrumpled a piece of paper and presented it to his father. His father took a look, and tried to read it. It sounded like Malay spelling test to me. The father also tried pronouncing those words, and trying to explain the meaning of those words that he seem to only vaguely understand. From a third person’s point of view, that was me, I could only make the simplest guess that the father was probably uneducated. Despite the father’s show of language capability, it was clearly obvious that he is a very loving father, and a very respectful and humble personality that I must strive to learn of.

I do not put down the man I had just witnessed. In fact, I do highly respect him of the loving-kindness he shows his son. But I reflected on myself, and reminded myself that I must be a knowledgeable person. Even if it wouldn’t be for myself, I will have to strive to become a successful person for the sake of Voon Pang and Madelene.

I felt that my sumptuous lunch, albeit the price, was worth every single cent. It is not everyday we get to learn from just seeing things, and it’s certainly not everyday that new things reveal themselves for us to learn about.

In life, we often move too fast. Everybody’s rushing to complete assignments, working hard on a dateline, and of course, trying to make the most money out of the time given. If just we could stop for once, and take a look at our surroundings, we will realise that there are so many things that we’ve not even noticed before, and will be able to learn so much from it. Everything will be our teacher. We will see so much beauty that we’ve missed while moving so fast. Like in a car, if you’re driving too fast, your surroundings will seem blurred. However, if you just pull your car aside of the road and stop there, wind down the window, you’ll see so many things that you’ve not realised that it has actually been there for such a long time. Realise what you still have now; appreciate it; before everything fades.

Orange hue of that Evening

2008-06-22T11:42:00.000+08:00

Saturday, 21/06/08

I have spent a long while trying to think of a title for this post. I’m in the mood to write something, but my mind hasn’t got anything special to pour.

I read a book today that said, “Even if we finally get the pot of gold, is that worth all our efforts?” I then ponder on the many people who chased so much about material wealth, and I felt a pity for them. It is a universal law that everything is impermanent. We all will die one day, and where does all our efforts of money-raking go to? Have these people appreciated the short time life has given them to experience love? Have they even seen that life has so many things to be learnt, and seen??

Walking back home from school yesterday, I smiled at this stranger man who was going for his evening walk. I had a good day in school. I met a few people and I was the people who brightened up my day. I saw Gabrina, and we greeted each other, and with her giving me that shy smile. I saw Yi May too, who surprisingly greeted me with “Kean Lee kor kor”.

But most of all, I was greeted by the evening’s weather and atmosphere. When I was still in school during the evening, the breeze blew so soothingly… melting my heart, as I was sitting down in the newly erected shelter built upon the grounds near the school bookshop. The smell of the breeze is still the same though time has aged five years. The sun’s shine is still the same as before, a golden yellow glow that rests comfortably on your skin. The school field is filled with boys playing football, and the concrete flooring before the pavilion is filled with a couple of students whereby some playing with each other, others involved in various sports. This evening has not changed even a little, ever since the first day I stepped into this school, and till the very last day of school for me.

This is life to me – to remember of my fondest memories. Every place I go in school, it seems as if there’s something lingering in the thin air… a memory… that I can recall when I’m in that place. As I walked over those same paths that I’ve walked hundred of times during my school days, the memories played itself in my head, and all those memories that played presented themselves as videos… very vivid videos, as if I’ve just filmed them a short while ago. These 5 years that I’ve been in school, everyday of it etched a memory in my mind.

Nothing changed much ever since I came and left. It’s just that new shelter built and the trees that shaded me were cut down. The cement slabs that supported the trees were coated with a new paint of creamy yellow. But that new coating was flawed, still leaving some of the red colour of the previous coating still seen beneath the yellow painting. That red colour coating has always been the one I was sitting on. That place also carried a memory of Voon Pang and me, when I asked her where she sat in out class.

Those little schoolboys and schoolgirls who walked pass me; I see so much innocence in their eyes, and I smiled. They have so much to experience in another 4 years that has got to come. They will, eventually one day, be in the same position as I am. They will one day, see the very innocence of themselves in the eyes of their juniors. Everything is but just a matter of time. Everything is impermanent.

It’s just Love

2008-06-22T11:41:00.000+08:00

Thursday 19/06/08

Its 6pm in the evening now, the sky is rather gloomy after the rain, the cool breeze that tickles my hair as I look out of my opened window. This scene reminds me nothing more than my schooling days in Form 1 and 2. What do I really know about appreciating at such a young age? I close my eyes tightly, wishing hard that when I open my eyes, I would be five years younger, in that very position of that naïve boy who has yet to learn about so many things about love. Upon opening my eyes, I still see the same surroundings, and I’m still standing at this same height… and I know my wish didn’t come true. This is where a tear formed.

A friend of mine told me that she has coupled with another person. I asked her that if she sincerely loved that person. She said maybe not, and also added that it could just be puppy love. I sighed. What is it worth to be engaged in a relationship with only someone who you just only have feelings for, maybe infatuation… but not love? It leaves me to think even further that people now, as long as they want a partner to be with, they could just easily find one.

I thought if myself, and my heart ached. I know that no one would love someone like me. Maybe occasionally, someone will like me, perhaps out of infatuation, but not really out of love. And I know that I will not fall for anyone else already, thus, this also means that I will not be interested in a relationship with someone else whatsoever, other than that very special person.

Someone Also Present in My Memories

2008-06-17T19:05:00.000+08:00

Sunday, 15/06/08

The golden evening skies of 5 and 6pm… the scent of the breeze… I close my eyes. I see myself walking through the school’s car park, with all the other students. Moods’ lifted as the afternoon session ends at 6.45pm. The golden rays of the sun shining on my skin; heating my skin a little. I walked slowly, enjoying such a beautiful weather while looking up at the sky as I walk towards the main school gate…

Four years have passed since then I last experienced that memory that always come to me, again and again, every day in the evenings. It seems that I’m still alive and breathing… but the only difference is… I’m only alive in my memories.

I have quite neglected to often think about a person who has also played a big role in my experiences last year, and have also helped me numerous times when I was in need.

It was today morning, when I woke up at 8a.m. and Mum suggested that we go have breakfast in Ikea. I thought that would be a good thing to kick-start a lazy Sunday. Reaching there, it was quite surprising to see many people already queuing up the food selection area already. Nevertheless, though I had washed myself up thoroughly (just that in case I meet someone, I would look my best), I didn’t expect to see someone who I know there at this early hour.

After paying for my meal at the counter, I proceeded out with my awkwardly-looking food tray. However, what I didn’t expect the most is that I saw someone as soon as I looked up.

It was Gabrina. We stared at each other for a second, making out who was standing before our eyes. I froze at that instant, eyes widened, and smiled very broadly. She, too, smiled broadly at me and waved while saying “Hi” to me. Mom was beside her, but she didn’t take notice of both of us. Her smile, as the usual person I know of her, had that shyness in it that always make me feel a feeling that she’s feeling not all comfortable.

She was wearing a light blue shirt, and her hair was ponytail-tied and looked really beautiful. How long have I not seen this girl? The last time I saw her was during Sports Day, and we pretended to not know each other. So it seems pretty strange to be greeting each other now while acting differently just the other day.

I started recalling my memories I have of her. I remember that she got to know Voon Pang and became good friends with her because they went to the same Sunday Dhamma classes together. I also remembered that Gabrina was also the person who I once called, pleading her to keep a lookout on Voon Pang because my schooling days are coming to an end.

Gabrina. In many of my memories with Voon Pang, Gabrina was also present in there. During those moments when Voon Pang and I shared so much fun and laughter, Gabrina was there to ask what’s so funny that we’re always laughing. Voon Pang and I were always together (because I always stick close to her) during the period of Buddhist Society, until I could sense that some people were suspecting that if we had feelings for each other.

Memories. Memories is all I have. These posts are all filled with memories. These is all I have left. Really, I don’t own anything else.

A Monday, After the Mid-term Holidays

2008-06-09T02:47:00.001+08:00

Monday, 09/06/08

It is recess. The bell rang just at the right time. I really needed a breather to ease my disappointment over my English marks that just came back.

I went to the canteen to rant about my disappointment, and to update myself with other friends who got back their other papers. Hah, what a Monday this is. It’s just the first day after the mid-year holidays and the papers are all slamming their marks on our faces. This recess is only going to last for twenty minutes, and after this, there will be more papers to frown the smile on my face. The low grades I’ve obtained really knocks me hard on the head, telling me that Trials is getting nearer by the day, not to even mention SPM at the end of the year.

As I’m with a group of friends, all talking excitedly and boasting shamelessly of who got the lowest grades amongst ourselves, suddenly, I felt a big hard slap on back (it was painful), directly on my right scapula. My mind frowned and got irritated by idea that it surely must have been that irritating friend of mine, who seemingly enjoys slapping people from the back as a gesture of greeting.

I turned around to see who it was. And it wasn’t that irritating friend. It was Voon Pang. I didn’t recognise the very moment I saw her; probably my mind was too stressed out already having to worry about the other grades that have yet to be returned to me. It took me a few seconds, then only I realised that it was her. My eyes widened, threatening to pop out of its sockets. Then, broadest smile formed on my expression and I suddenly felt thrillingly excited.

“Hey…hiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!” I said to her loudly, enthusiastically, waved at her like a madman and feeling very excited. “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!” was her reply to me, also smiling as broad as I am, waving like a madwoman, and apparently looking extremely exhilarated as I was.

If it wasn’t because that we exchanged emails on that Friday (it was Teacher’s Day, and also the day before the mid-term holidays started), we wouldn’t have chatted with each other online. Hence, we wouldn’t have been this close, and after all, if it wasn’t because of that, she wouldn’t have slapped me hard on my back today.

My worries wore off immediately the moment when I saw her. I felt so much lighter.

She had to rush home, to the entrance of the school gate, because probably dad was there already; to fetch her home.

Today is Monday, the first day after the mid-year school holidays. That happened exactly a year ago. That was the first time when I introduced her in this blog. So many things have happened since that very day, all up to this day, till today, whereby I’m still writing about her.

I miss that day. I miss today. I want to go back, turn the clock otherwise, and be there at that very place she hit my back. I want to be hit hardly by her again. I don’t mind having to go through all the hardships for her, even if I have to do it once more.

I rewrote that because when I read that post when I first wrote about her last year, I realised it’s not as detailed as how vividly as I still have that memory in my heart. Well, I was wondering that if I’m writing it again as detail as I can remember it for the reason that if I forget, I can still recall it by reading what I’ve written. Then, I realise that’s not the reason, because how could I ever even forget such a memory, for it will always, always be in my heart…

It’s already the ninth of June. It has already been seven months that I’ve not seen her. Its killing me. Since the last day I saw her, that was the day I became stagnant, till today. June. My physical body is here, but my mind is left back at that very day when we last saw each other, outside the boys’ toilet.

I cut my hair today. The last time I cut it was in December, last year. My hair was already very long, and getting untidy and messy. Two friends even commented that my hair makes me look like a Korean and Japanese star at the same time. I didn’t bother going for a haircut because no one would even want to look at me. I didn’t care about my physical appearance, for I won’t get to see her, nor will she get to see me. Thus, I have been stagnant for so long. I don’t even know what I’ve been doing for these six months that have passed. I really have been dreaming all this while, floating freely in my memories.

… and finally, today is Monday… the day after the mid-term holidays…

I do miss her. I do miss her very much.

The Truth-Blinding-Happiness

2008-05-31T03:46:00.000+08:00

Friday, 30/05/08

Some people blog about the happenings of their life about where they went and what they ate. Some blog about a mixture of both feelings and updates in their life, sharing both parts of life they experience. Some blog only about their feelings and thus, their blogging activity isn’t done at a constant schedule, but rather when they feel like doing it – I belong to this group.

In the first few months of blogging, while the genre of this blog isn’t greatly inclined towards what it exists now, I openly introduced myself to other fellow bloggers, opening up a whole new horizon that made me many friends. As time passed by and with the growing of my experiences, I realise I have almost completely stopped making new friends over the blogosphere, but rather I’m getting some constantly returning readers who expressed that they enjoy reading my posts and stories.

Checking Nuffnang’s statistics on the visits to my blog, lately, I see that the unique visitors per day is hovering constantly around 10 to 12 visitors. Though not much, but that is an improvement as compared to only a mere 3 to 4 visitors last month and before.

And here I must apologise to those of you who constantly return here, expecting to see an update, but pretty often, not seeing one. Like in my previous posts, I have expressed my passion for blogging arises only when there is an overwhelming feeling in me. If I were to think of blogging as my responsibility that I must write a post on a scheduled basis, that would render the quality of my posts. You should have very well understood that when you don’t have that urge to write, naturally, you wouldn’t produce writings up to your expected standards. Moreover, the main reason why I blog isn’t to attract viewers and earn publicity, but more for the reason that I want to record every single little memory of my life chronologically, as detail as possible. And as for the readers, reading my detailed written memories would transport you into my shoes at that very moment of what I’m experiencing, and feel exactly what I feel. I believe, by reading what I’ve experienced, you would be as experienced as me, knowing what to do in the future when you experience the same thing as what I did.

Today, I went out for an outing in 1 Utama with some of my friends. Co-incidentally, I also saw many of my friends, some classmates, and some of my closer friends who I hang around more often when I was still in school. Seeing them made me really elated because I’ve not seen them for quite some time.

I was pretty happy until at a point of time, I felt that today’s such a wonderful day, getting to go out with some friends, and at the same time seeing some people that made me delighted. Happiness is what I felt. It’s not everyday I get to experience happiness. With the passing of numerous moments of gloom, happiness only comes once. It is then only until a friend there asked me if I’m going to attend this year’s school carnival…

Ah, yes, the school carnival. Throughout the 5 years in this school, I’ve only experienced two times of school carnival, of which both so many memories in my mind for me to keep. The school carnival is held every two years and this is the second year since the last one was held, back then I was still in Form Four.

At the contemplation of the words, ‘school carnival’, my heart thumped. Of all of a sudden, I didn’t feel like I wanted to do anything else anymore. I was bowling with my friends then when that friend of mine popped me that question abruptly. The smile worn off my face, and I went into a state of stagnancy. Those words brought no one other than Voon Pang and Madelene in my mind.

The happiness before those two words, ‘school carnival’ came into my mind, I was experiencing happiness because I’m enjoying the company of my friends. Happiness… is that happiness really happiness?? Or was it just the peak of emotions when I’m with my closer friends??

Once, when I opened my wallet to pay for something, Yean Yi caught sight of the picture in my wallet. She pulled it towards her to have a closer look… then looked at me. I smiled weakly at Yean Yi, knowing in my heart that no one will ever fathom how much I feel and what I’ve went through to have Voon Pang in my heart.

When I returned home and saw the picture of Voon Pang and Madelene in the same picture that they took together, I realised that I was blinded by today’s ‘happiness’ that I experienced today. Seeing their picture melts my heart entirely… it makes me forget everything about today’s outing. The feeling is so nice… to see them… and it makes everything else on earth unimportant to me anymore.

Though accompanied by pain and sorrow, but some things really are the happiness that we wish for. The happiness you occasionally feel from something else might just be that peak of emotions… unreal, impermanent and you’ll realise that happiness, isn’t what you’re exactly searching for, hence, the truth-blinding-happiness.

Different people have different goals of happiness. Some aim for the happiness friendship can bring them, and some others aim for the happiness brought by love. I belong to the latter. Know which type of happiness you’re searching for and strive towards it. Don’t allow some impermanent happiness blind you for that very short burst of moment and confuse what you’re actually searching for.

I’m not saying that the happiness that I’ve experienced today is something bad, or something not to cherish about. What I’m trying to say that, yes, I did enjoy myself today and experienced moments of happiness and pleasure. However, I must know which type of happiness I’m chasing for… and for me, that would be love.

Just an action…

2008-05-26T00:40:00.001+08:00

Sunday, 25/05/08

Maybe I’m right. Maybe I just shouldn’t push myself to think of something to do, instead of just sitting down here. After all, she’s still schooling, and here I am, already have experienced everything that she had gone through. I must give her every chance possible to go through that experience that I went through too. Taking it away from her would mean I’m being too selfish…

There are many times I feel very depressed because I just miss her so much. At times like this, words would just be unintelligible and insufficient to explain the complexity of such feelings. I thought, if she would just talk to me, online… that would really make my day. Imagine being in a blue mood the whole day, but at the very end of the day, she comes to talk to you, you felt that magical feeling that all the moodiness has gone away…

I could go on for days… but with just one of her actions can really turn me upright again, leaving me all happy.

I realise these few days I’ve been writing short posts. Perhaps it’s just these feelings that cross me every now and then and I felt like writing about it, trying my best to put it in words.

Love does change a person completely. Just seeing pictures of them forms tears. There, a gush of love flows into me, drowning every other things. Sitting in the cinema with a vacant seat beside me, seeing all the other couples cuddled up together in their seats on my other side, I would imagine her beside me at that moment…and my heart would sear with pain, eyes get wet, and I’ll smile… because that is such a beautiful feeling… that will never happen…

A Frozen Heart

2008-05-24T03:48:00.000+08:00

Saturday, 24/05/08

Some people vow that they will never fall in love. Looking back into their past experiences, our hearts will be deeply moved by the reasons and obstacles that they have went through. Behind everyone’s eyes, there is so much stories to be told, just that if we could sit down with them and hear them out, we would then realise that the universe is so vast, with so many things to be heard, learnt and move our hearts.

These people who appear to be cold towards love, and at times, there are some people who fall for them. Some of these people who fall for them will end up being hurt in the end, but there are some will melt these hearts that has been frozen for such a long time…

As for me, I have gone through some experiences myself, and most of them are written in this blog. Attending wedding functions, I see so much beauty and joy when the couple is together. Also at times, my parents will be talking about marriage with my siblings and me. I then would always wonder if I would ever get married. This is a question sure to cross everyone’s minds at a certain point of age.

They say true love comes only once in a lifetime. You naturally just know if that person you met is the right one for you. I myself, have found that person. It was since then, marriage to me isn’t that important. Her happiness is the most important. And if she gets to find happiness with some other person, I would be happy for her. In fact, I will be happy because I know she’s happy. However, there is a mixture of both happiness and sadness, but the sadness part will only be due to selfishness, that is, to want to be with her. And if I would not be selfish, then I would feel happy… because she’s happy.

And if she gets along with another person, well, that leaves me alone. Because this is true love, thus, it’s impossible for me to fall for someone else, because my heart is just for her… just frozen.

This means I wouldn’t get married with anyone else except for her. But that’s okay, because all I know is that I love her.

A heart chilled frozen by the winter for such a long period of time… do you think someone will melt it?? I don’t think anyone would be able to melt my heart, because deep inside in the centre of the frozen heart, the memories and pictures of her are encapsulated there… remembering and protecting her till eternity.

Wishful thinking if I would be pondering who would fall for someone like me. I think, there wouldn’t even be anyone who would fall for me. It’s only going to be me, loving her alone, forever.

Do You Remember Our Beginning??

2008-05-23T01:51:00.000+08:00

Friday, 23/05/08

Voon Pang, do you vividly remember the day before our mid-term holidays began last year??

It was a sunny Friday. School was celebrating Teacher’s Day. My mid-term exams just only ended yesterday. Students all in PJ attire were roaming happily around the school while the teachers were busying themselves with the telematch on the school cemented school field. My heart was light, having the exams just ended yesterday.

You came into the School Hall, while I was sitting on the floor of the stage. We waved at each other with a smile. However, you seem to be alone. There was a girl sitting beside you, going in and out of the Hall. That girl’s Elaine, and I still didn’t know her yet at that time.

Bored, I went over to you and pulled a chair from behind, and sat next to you. You explained to me why Elaine was going in and out of the hall: she was escaping the guy who fancies her. I don’t quite remember his name though, but if my memory serves me right, he’s either Kenneth or Zhi Wen. Zhi Wen, apparently was running wild on the stage, and it seems that he’s playing ‘catching’ with his friends.

You excused yourself for a while, and I was left sitting there alone. Back then, my thoughts towards you weren’t very deep yet, but I certainly see you more importantly than other people because we clicked very well.

This was the day that we exchanged emails, and it was the beginning of how we actually got so close together. Do you remember??

And today is a Friday. Today’s your last day before you’re going to have your mid-term holidays which will last two weeks. It’s the same as last year, nothing has changed. I still carry around that little piece of paper you wrote your email on, that very Friday last year, with me in my wallet everywhere I go. It makes me feel that I’m always beside you.

This coming holiday, I will remember that the very moment I sign into my MSN, you will always be the first person who will greet me and we’ll be chatting. How can I ever forget that moment?? Though you will no longer greet me first, nor will we be chatting to each other anymore… but still, you will always, always, be in my heart.

Another Promise??

2008-05-23T01:18:00.001+08:00

Friday, 23/05/08

Words can only explain very basic of feelings. Actions can merely show how much we mean. But the heart is the one that shows how much we trust and love a person. And the heart is something that is very hard to prove and show someone how much love we have for them.

There are only a few people I see that exist in my life. Though we don’t see or talk to each other everyday, but there’s a love in between these people and me, hard to express in words and only can be felt with the heart. Of course, the two most important people to me are Voon Pang and Madelene. After reading so much, you would have surely known the whole story, beginning from June 2007 till today, May 2008.

I have made a promise to her last year. And I believe it’s the reason of that promise that I’m still alive today. Many times, I have thought that it would have been better not to continue on with life, as it makes no sense for me. Imagine yourself as me, mentally still in the memories, but physically here. You are moving with time, and yet not moving at the same time. You are just forced to go on, but your mind is left back there, that very same place that you last left it… and as time passes by, you are getting further and further away from yourself that is still behind there.

The feeling affects you negatively. Though it does make you wiser in your thinking, but it inflicts so much damage onto yourself. It practically wears and tears you apart. This is why I’m always sleeping; it’s because I’m feeling tired, not physically, but mentally.

It has been some time that I have been asking myself a question. I know it’s a matter of time before I have to make my decision. I’ve made a promise to her and that has made her the only reason I’m breathing today. I was asking myself that if I should, too, promise Madelene, since she is also as important as Voon Pang to me.

It’s really suffering, to be looking at pictures of the people you love, and knowing that you can’t hold them, see them in person, and talk to them. The burning sensation I feel in my heart really cranks me up. I am so badly rooted to the spot I’m in, yet wanting to do something special. I don’t know what I’m waiting and I’m starting to think that if time isn’t the solution to my problems. Just then, I had the idea that my mind, with every sight of her and Madelene, is rushing me to make another move. Maybe what really is the solution is that I should just stop here, not pushing myself anymore to think of what’s next to do, because she’s only fourteen years of age.

But love isn’t something that makes you just sit still and do nothing. It is very natural for love to push you to do something that you should do. The only thing is that I don’t know what I should do, other than trying my very best to count on her closer friends to see her for this moment that I’m not around.

A promise to be kept till the day you go, I will strive to the very last drop of my blood to protect you, I promise.

The Emotional Feeling

2008-05-22T01:55:00.000+08:00

Thursday, 22/05/08

I didn’t know what title to be made for this post. I just wrote what I felt at that moment.

June is approaching. My heart is still the very same as naïve as in last year. I may have grown a little more, physically, but every thought still remained the same, or perhaps have grown much stronger than before. The promises, the love, the feelings… all still remain intact.

Seeing her pictures, the feeling of love overwhelms me. It brings me back into our past, and wonder what the future will be like for us. At every sight of her picture, my heart grows stronger; I really want to hug her… and never let her go…

You know what I feel now?? I feel like crying, but tears wouldn’t even form. These are the times that I just don’t feel like continuing life any further. The pain inflicted is just feels like its going to burst my heart. But tomorrow I have to attend college for classes, finish my assignments, prepare for exams… so many things to do… and with such a heart, how could I continue moving on?? Many people wouldn’t understand positions like this, stuck but yet forced to move on with life. I realise as time passes by for me, and I’m forced to live this kind of life, I’m tearing myself apart. I just don’t know when I couldn’t take it any further.

I want some timeout, some quiet time for myself to recuperate. Yet, college life started mercilessly on the 3^rd of January this year, leaving me no space to even breathe after my SPM. There are many things I want to think of, but without a still mind, I couldn’t get through it.

The people we see on the street may look alike like everyone else walking pass them. But if we were to just stop and open up with them, there are so many stories and experiences behind these people. People, even my parents, who see me, assumes that I’m just like every other kid, but they never know there’s so much to be told behind our eyes. I am always feeling emotional, sometimes even to the verge of tears… but it’s just that I don’t show it. I hear people say that at times, they feel emotional, and that’s due to their hormones. But have they experienced what I feel…to feel emotional just every single moment in life??

I’m not lost. I know my way. It’s just that I miss her too much, that’s all.

Just once… just once that if I can hug her…

Blog Closure

2008-05-17T04:07:00.000+08:00

Friday, 16/05/08

We met for the first time on a Friday.

After that, all our memories were formed on Fridays.

And the blog is finally shut down on a Friday.

It seems that we have some affinity for Fridays.

Everyday, I visit my blog many times to check for updates from any readers. And everytime I visit my blog, I’ll check out her blog too. Though I know that she doesn’t update it already because her last update was many months ago, but deep down, every repetitive visit to her blog, I was hoping that there was an update… at least to hear some news about her, written in her point of view.

And today, she has finally shut down both of her blogs, registered under the same Google account. I know that it is today that she shutdown her blog, because my last visit to her blog was just only yesterday night.

It hurt me badly. I was left stunned when blogger informed me that her blog is shutdown by her. My feelings plummeted, and that really… left me feeling that awful down feeling the entire day. The closure of her blog meant that she won’t be blogging anymore, or at least, in that site.

But she wrote about me… and I really loved that post. It showed me the appreciation and gratitude she has for me, after all that I’ve done. But, if I could just ask for one thing, I would hope that she had just left that blog opened, never mind it never being updated, as a memory for me to keep… as a little gratitude for me to cheer myself up.

Instead, she chose to just close the blog.

I had been thinking of the reason why she did that. Maybe like many other inactive bloggers, who thinks that since they’re not updating it anymore, they might as well have just close down their blog. But… but… that very post that she wrote about me… is just gone…

Maybe some might not understand my feelings about this. But think of it… the person most important to you, wrote about you in her blog… and you checking that blog several times a day, every single day without fail. Although there aren’t any new updates for such a long time, but you had the hope that you would still visit it for the slightest chance that she’ll update because that blog still exists. But then, just one day, of all a sudden, she closed that blog. How would you feel??

Voon Pang, you know, we haven’t seen each other for half-a-year already. It is me to be blamed, fearing that something unpleasant might happen if we really do see each other. For you, I may just be a somebody who once crossed the path of your life. But for me, you are someone who has changed the genre of this blog to something that even I had never expected. For someone who doesn’t have anyone else to talk to, it leaves my blog my only place for refuge, thus turning my blog to be a very important part of my life. And to have memories of you being written over and over in all the pages… means something very special to me.

Another Teacher’s Day…

2008-05-15T23:37:00.001+08:00

Thursday, 15/05/08

It has been a year. That very day, when we sat down on the chairs beside each other, I asked her if she had MSN. She walked towards her bag on my left, opened it, took out a notebook and tore out a small piece of paper. Then, she walked back towards her seat beside mine, sat down, and began writing down something on it. She passed me her email address. That… was how it all began.

That day was a Friday. It was Teacher’s Day. After that day, it was the mid-year holidays that lasted for two weeks. We chatted online almost every day, with her always the person who will greet and message me first as soon as I signed into MSN. Within the short-span of only two weeks, our relationship became very much closer, knowing more about each other…

Tomorrow, Friday, 16^th of May year 2008, my school will celebrate Teacher’s Day. It isn’t exactly a year since last year’s Teacher’s Day celebration, which was held on the 25^th of May year 2007, but I wonder if she would remember that it was last year’s Teacher’s Day that sparked that very moment of something so remarkable in my life… that will last forever.

I wondered that if I, Kean Lee, had made a difference in her life.

Some people date six months later after seeing each other for the first time in their lives.

I myself, eating alone in a faraway corner during my lunch break, though not in search of someone because I already have one in my heart, wonder if I will ever get married.

So fast the time has ticked itself to the month of May. Looking back into last year during the month of May, I was physically and mentally in the month of May. But this year’s month of May, I feel that I’m only physically here, but mentally still back in year 2007. I didn’t even realised time passed by so quickly till my friend reminded me that the NS my closer friend had to go for, is coming to an end. It seemed like I bid that closer friend of mine farewell just only last week.

Blogging… it seems that I have nothing much to blog about actually. The only posts that are long, and sometimes really very long, are the only ones that had some special events happened, such as the latest event that just ended was Sports Day.

I wouldn’t be returning to school for this event, though I really want to. The reason is the same: I still don’t dare to see her. After all, I have lessons in college from 8.30-10.30 am. Though that really isn’t the matter, but… maybe there isn’t any buts… just that it isn’t really right to go back there.

I miss last year’s school’s Teacher’s day...

7th May 2008

2008-05-07T19:17:00.001+08:00

Wednesday, 07/05/08

I almost forgot that birthdays also meant presents. I actually only remembered it many hours later after the 12am midnight mark has passed. How strange it is; I can remember I’m supposed to surprise Voon Pang with presents on 19^th of January, but I can’t even remember mine.

Mmm… maybe now I know why. I’m used to not be receiving any presents during my birthdays. So maybe I even forgot to expect to receive presents. I guess it’s because I don’t have anything in particular that I want. Though presents doesn’t mean that it should contain something that I want, but I have never gotten any presents from other people before, except from my parents, when I was still young. But, actually, I really want something… but some things, it can’t be bought with money.

I guess this birthday will be a quiet one, without much special things happening. Actually, I’m quite grateful for some people who actually remembered my birthday and wished me. They were Soon Ann (a person who I got to know online), Yean Yi, Abigail (my close schoolmate) and also Pei Fang (also my schoolmate). It’s really heart moving to receive their SMS-es, wishing me Happy Birthday.

I told myself since yesterday, to enjoy and be happy on my birthday, and to not be sad even if there wouldn’t be people remembering me. I told myself that I’m supposed to be happier because I have Voon Pang and Madelene in my heart. But a little feeling inside me hopes silently for them to realise that this is my beautiful day, and to wish me a nice birthday. When I think about that, I keep reminding myself that… maybe for them to realise isn’t important anyway, because there are much more important things, such as their happiness.

I brought myself out to 1 Utama today to celebrate a quiet birthday myself. I had lunch in Pizza Hut, then watched Iron Man. Iron Man’s a really good movie, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. After that I got myself a can of coffee and a small box of Kinder Chocolates, then went back home.

I’m not trying to get people to pity me, because in fact, I think I’m a very lucky boy to be able to celebrate my birthday, although I celebrated it alone. It’s just a little birthday present from I myself, to me myself.

What does my heart really want?? It seems to be kind of down. Shouldn’t I be happy?? Mmm… what should I do??

Happy 18th Birthday Me.

2008-05-07T00:00:00.003+08:00

The time is 12.06am on the 7th of May now.

I was the first person to wish myself Happy Birthday.

I wished myself Happy Birthday exactly at 12.00am, while looking at the picture that they took together, the last school days of their Form 1 last year.

This year, no one wished me Happy Birthday in advance. Perhaps it will be a quiet birthday for me this year.

7th May 1990. 7th May 2008.

2008-05-06T23:07:00.000+08:00

Tuesday, 06/05/08

I will be 18 years old in less than two hours from now. I don’t want to be 18. I want to remain at 17.

Seventeen years-old makes me only three years apart from her. Eighteen makes me four years apart from her. But after all, they say that age is just a number, and those words hold true. It is a number. It is only a number. What is most important is that I know that I love her.

Just glancing back at my posts that I wrote last year, I realised how short I usually wrote. As I briefly went through a post, I realised that there weren’t many precise details that records some memories in detail. And I realise that, as time passes by for me, I treasure memories even more, and wanting to record everything I see and feel. This is why the posts that I produce these days are much longer than the ones before.

However, although the length and details I write these days are different from the ones I wrote last year, there is something I realised that is still unchanged – my view towards my birthday.

For many, their birthday is that one very special day where they celebrate it with their loved ones. This is the day where they experience so much happiness, getting so much attention and priority from the people whom they love.

My birthday?? Well, the way I see it is still the same as the year before this. My birthday is a day when I see how many people actually remembered, and wished me a simple “Happy Birthday!!”. It just shows that how much I matter to these people in their lives. Because we can get rather forgetful to forget someone’s birthday, so if someone actually remembered about mine, that would mean that that person has me placed in a special place in that person’s heart.

Till now, the time is already 10.44pm. No one has showed any signs of knowing that, it’s just a matter of minutes, I will turn eighteen. Am I sad?? Well, actually no. I don’t think I’ll even be sad even if no one wishes me on my birthday, because… I’m planning to treat myself on my very own birthday, and going to be the first person to wish myself, “A very Happy Birthday.”

You might think I’m silly. Hmm… but if you were me, what would you do??

To treat myself even earlier before anyone gets to treat me, I went to McDonalds and ordered my favourite meal today. After that, I went to SaveMart to get a box of Ferrero Rocher. In my head, it seems to exist two people: one myself, and the other one wishing myself Happy Birthday. It’s a nice feeling, really, having that other ‘someone’ in my head to wish my Happy Birthday when knowing no one else knows or remembers.

I have taken leave off college tomorrow, without being asked of a reason. Maybe I’ll get a taxi to 1 Utama tomorrow and treat myself well there. Maybe I’ll go for a movie, in which I got a complimentary free movie ticket from GSC cinemas as a birthday gift. Or maybe I’ll be staying at home, blogging perhaps. I don’t know; I’ve not planned for tomorrow yet.

There’s something new for me for this year’s birthday though. I feel very happy. I realise it’s because my feelings towards Voon Pang and Madelene. I feel happy to pour so much feelings into them, and wishing that everything goes well for them. Seeing them happy really does make me happy. I have realised that there’s so much happiness when you give, rather than to receive.

I feel happy because I know I’m giving something to them, and to have them in my heart.

If I had a wish… I would wish for Voon Pang’s and Madelene’s happiness.

This is all I wish for.

When The Time Comes, I Will Know

2008-05-06T20:55:00.001+08:00

An unexpected Sunday, 27/04/08

And today, I had a feeling that told me that the time is here.

My birthday is just ten days away. If I’m given a chance to make a wish, I would wish for Voon Pang’s and Madelene’s happiness.

For such a long time, ever since January, or perhaps even earlier than that, Freda has been constantly, and persistently pestered me, in almost every of our online conversation, to attend my school’s Sports Day. The only replies I gave her were words such as “I don’t know,” or “I’ll tell you later…”

I wasn’t sure myself that if I could attend Sports Day. It wasn’t because of the problem of not having the time or not having anything to do in Sports Day since I’ve already left school, but there was only one major thing that had been causing me that dilemma – I was afraid of seeing her.

Weeks later after Freda’s persistent pleads to persuade me to attend a place where I feared most, I came to an explanation and I reasoned out to her of why I won’t be attending this event. She was disappointed by my solid decision, but yet, still didn’t seem to give up in trying to manipulate my decision.

My heart ached. I was being put into a situation of both wanting to attend, and yet not wanting to attend at the same time. Like before, I followed my feelings whenever I felt that more thinking wouldn’t bring me any further. And thus, I made up my mind to not attend this year’s Sports Day.

Today’s my school’s 20^th Sports Day. Now’s the month of April. It hasn’t really been exactly a year since last year’s Sports Day, but coming to think of it, it’s somehow or rather seemed like a year has passed already. It was then, that very day of last year’s Sports Day that I’ve planned all and everything to give her those chocolates, but most unfortunately, the plan didn’t workout.

As I was chatting online with Madelene yesterday in the late night, she asked me if I was going for Sports Day today. I said no. However, she was also quite in doubt of whether she wanted to attend today’s Sports Day because the time was already close to 1am, and we’re still chatting away there at that time, and she has got to wake up by 6am to prepare herself if she wants to go. She asked for my advice, and I encouraged her that she really should go. Furthermore, she didn’t attend the previous year’s Sports Day, and it would be such a crazy and fun experience for her to enjoy if she attends.

I did successfully convince her to attend the Sports Day. However, there was a feeling inside me that made my heart ached: it seems that I’m encouraging her to go, but I myself can’t go. How I wished so badly that I’m her instead. But I know that if she goes, she’ll be enjoying herself there, which is really a nice thing. Madelene to me, she seems so much like Voon Pang. Seeing her in happiness also does make me happy.

It was already 1.20am. Madelene had to excuse herself for bed because she has made up her mind to attend Sports Day the next day. Then, she went offline after that. I didn’t have many thoughts. I was just hoping that she enjoyed herself during Sports Day, which will be held in Kelana Jaya’s stadium.

Surprisingly, she came back online just two minutes after she went offline. I thought that perhaps she might just be having a moment of bad internet connection. I wasn’t too right because she popped me her doubts about Sports Day, again.

Madelene: shd I go??

Madelene: I dunnom la..

I tried convincing her again and she seemed pretty enthusiastic and excited about the Sports Day. It was then, minutes before she signed off again, she said something that hit me really hard on my head.

Madelene: o ya!

Madelene: u going ryt?

Madelene: ware 2 c u!

Probably she had forgotten that I said that I wouldn’t be going. However, those words, “ware 2 c u!” really awakened me. It was a moment of craziness. I stopped dead for a moment to rethink the decision that I made months ago that I wouldn’t be going for this year’s Sports Day. I really couldn’t believe that these words can really make me bring up the whole matter again about this thing that I’ve made my decision after a long while of thought that lasted for months.

I was hyper-excited, nervous, and beginning to tell myself, “Kean Lee, you’re crazy.” The last time I told myself that I’m crazy was in the previous year, when I was making some abrupt decision. I was beginning to reconsider to actually be going for the Sports Day the next day.

I was shocked at myself and my thinking. How could I have made a decision and stood firm to it for months but suddenly, when it was only the day before the long-awaited event, I became all doubtful about if I really should or shouldn’t go, and instead, fell into a dilemma.

Yean Yi was still online even after Madelene signed-out. I asked her about what I really should do. Her response was her usual tone of flare, all-convincing and persuading manner of encouragement, and also threats that if I do not go. Sometimes, I felt that it was better that if I just didn’t tell or ask her some things. I didn’t want to take her all words just like that. I wanted time to think, but I knew time was the one I’m lacking as it’s already nearing 2am.

I felt as if I’m on the verge of going crazy. I really couldn’t go. I really can’t. I’ll see Voon Pang if I’m there. I’m just not ready for that. I went through the pictures of her and Madelene and that formed tears in my eyes. Is this what I want?? Is this how I want things to be??

I had enough time to think. I had all the time in the world to make my decision since January when Freda started asking me the same question in every online conversation. Why do I think that I need time now, again?? And worst of all, I didn’t have the time.

Finally, I did one thing that I thought, would give me a little breather to think over this whole go-or-don’t-go matter. I set my cell phone alarm clock to wake me up at 5.45am. Immediately, I went to sleep after that, without giving any more thoughts about it. I’ll wake up at 5.45am and make my final decision from there.

My cell phone’s alarm went off at 5.45am. Having gone to bed at about 2am yesterday night, I felt a little too tired to be able to pull myself up, so I delayed my alarm to wake me up at 6.15am.

Unfortunately, my planning of another thirty minute sleep didn’t really put me back into my dreams. In fact, as soon as the alarm went off at 5.45am, my mind was already wondering away about the possibilities and decisions. I was so bombarded by thoughts that I had to abandon my extra-thirty minutes worth of sleep.

I sat upright on my bed, mumbling and talking to myself. The time was then already 6.15am. I had to make up my mind real fast because I needed time to prepare myself if I wanted to go, physically and mentally. I thought real hard about it and came out with a few thoughts.

Firstly, I might, or might not see Voon Pang. However, if I know that I’m going, then it’s definitely quite a sure thing that I’ll be seeing her, at least once, during those few hours inside the stadium, which isn’t really a very big place after all.

Secondly, the thing that I’m really looking forward to is that I’m going to be seeing Madelene. Perhaps it would be a surprise to her since I told her online yesterday that I’m not going for the Sports Day today. But I hope she’s happy with my presence there.

Next, I want to go is because I want to experience all those school memories again. It had been a long time since I’ve left school. Furthermore, I really miss schooling days so very much. Going back there is like going back to school, for another schooling day, experiencing what every school student is experiencing there. Being back, in reality, in school for one more schooling day, is something that I really want to experience again.

As for what to expect if I’m there, I wouldn’t be expecting too much. I know that once when I’m inside the stadium, I must come to my highest stage of mindfulness and alertness. I have to prepare myself to evade and disappear myself of all a sudden, in case I meet her, or any of her friends (who will most likely alert her of my presence).

I kept repeating those thoughts to myself, as if I’ve not done enough sinking it into my mind anymore. I prayed and wished so hard, that if I’m going, and if the time really has come, then allow the situation to naturally meet us up together. However, if the time isn’t here yet, I hope that we don’t see each other. Nevertheless, the situation seems impossible for me not to meet her during those few hours in that confined stadium space. I placed all my trust in my heart to alert me and signal me of what is right for me. Many times I have entrusted myself whole-heartedly and it always seemed to work out well. I hope this time it does.

Another thought came to me: I doubt that there would be other days where I could return to school or the stadium to attend a full-event, having a whole school day’s time to spend with Voon Pang. What if the time is now?? If the time really is now, and if I missed this chance of seeing her to talk to her for so many hours, then when will I have another chance like this?? Surely, I won’t have any more chances.

A brainwave hit me, of all a sudden. I actually have more than only this chance. There are also other days such as Teacher’s Day and so on. Perhaps on those days, I can still return to meet up with her and chat happily for hours. This idea’s relief to me was short lived because another question came to me: If the time really has come, am I really going to just let this chance slide like this??

The time was already 6.50am. I heaved a heavy sigh, forehead creased in concentration. I have to come to a conclusion. Finally, I picked up my cell phone and proceeded to type an SMS to Yean Yi.

“I have thought long and hard about it since 6.15am and have decided that I’m not going. I’m so sorry…”

I thought I was done after making that decision, but I was wrong. I was still pacing quickly, in rounds, in my room. I was then interrupted by a reply from Yean Yi.

Yean Yi: No … Go … Come on … Don freak out … Go

My reply was something like: Omg, now you make me feel like going again.

I sat back down on my bed. Suddenly, Yean Yi’s and Freda’s words hit me hard: both of them said that I should go. They insisted hard that I really should. I could be wrong all this while to think that I shouldn’t go. Maybe they are right, instead.

Time was really running short. The morning’s sun is already casting a bright red glow over the dark blue sky. It’s already 7.09am.

Yean Yi: Just go la … Come ! Don think about any thing ! Just bring your self there … Has your sis left ?

Kean Lee: No, she hasn’t left yet. And I have to make my decision real fast.

Yean Yi: Now ! Yes ! Go ! So follow your sis … But … If you really don wanna go , don go … But your going to regret lo

I went into my sister’s room, then asked her in an unsteady tone, “Do you think I should go??”

“Go la.” she replied nonchalantly.

My sister doesn’t know anything about what I’m up to. We don’t talk to each other about personal stuffs. However, perhaps it could be a sign: Freda, Yean Yi, my sister, and my pounding heart agrees that I should go. I don’t want to regret if I don’t go, neither would I want to regret if I do. Seconds were ticking away into minutes. My heart was pounding hard on my chest. Now I paced in my sister’s room instead.

Then, I picked up my phone again, to reply Yean Yi.

“You’re crazy. I’m going. I had better be right about this.” I think I have totally lost my mind after replying her, as I dashed into the bathroom to bathe quickly, rushing for time.

The last very crazy thing that I recall doing was last year. It sure felt hyper-exciting and thrilling when I made up my mind. It was like that I’ve just experience a moment of total madness and insanity.

I reached the stadium at around 8.00am. There weren’t many students that I saw outside the stadium, except the ones heading towards the entrance into the stadium. As soon I got down of the car, I glanced around, making sure there isn’t a sight of neither her nor her friends, before heading towards the entrance with haste.

As soon I walked pass the small entrance opening which a ridiculous long line of prefects on my left (as usual) that were all seated, and some discipline teachers standing on the right, the national anthem played. I felt a pat of my shoulder, turned around, and there’s this prefect who I recognise by looks, and he said something very unwelcoming to me, “Err, Puan Shalawati ask you to go there,” he pointed towards the discipline teacher’s direction.

Other than the kind-hearted, but yet strict Pn. Shalawati standing there, I was even more surprised to see the unwelcoming looks of another fierce discipline teacher whom I dislike ever since I’d knew his existence in this school. Since I don’t wish to tarnish my beautiful school memories with anything that has got to do with him; I shall not taint this blog with any mentioning of his name. For the record, he’s the most despised teacher of all students, because he anyhow handpicks anyone and blatantly accuses that person of mistakes only a crook would have committed. A very unreasonable guy he is.

Though the national anthem was being played, I walked towards them, wondering what I would be reprimanded of since I’ve not done anything wrong this time.

“Ex DJ student??” Pn. Shalawati asked promptly.

“Yeah.” I replied, expecting something worse to happen.

“You not allowed in. Go out now.” She commanded mercilessly.

“But my sister is in…” I was utterly shocked by what she said.

“No, ex –students are not allowed in. Go out.” She pointed at the heavily guarded entrance.

I followed her dictation meekly. The prefects sitting down on the chairs were looking at me. I felt disgusted at their stares that lacked sympathy.

I was just standing away from hearing distance from the green entrance gates, waiting for the national anthem to finish playing. My mind was running amok of what just happened. The words that immediately went through my head and I mouthed it softly were, “Voon Pang, I have got to protect you.” Part of the reason why I’m back here is because I know she joined her House marching, and that would mean she would have to march under the scorching hot sun. I have to be here, just in case she blackout and fall onto the ground unconsciously. I have to be here to protect her…

I thought how absurd it was to be kicked out of this place where I have been allowed to enter for the past five years. After all, I’m an ex-student of this school, and how could they just shun us away (apparently, I’m not the only senior who got kicked out of the stadium), seeing us nothing more than strangers on the street. After all that we’ve boasted to others about how great our beloved school was, and the grades that we’ve achieved to have made our school proud, and is this the gratitude they should be showing us in return??

Not being allowed in isn’t the thing in my mind now because, I was more interested in finding a way to get in. The national anthem came to an end. I called Yean Yi on her cell phone immediately. She was shocked by what happened to me, too. We talked about solutions over the phone for a couple of minutes while she was stuck in the stadium’s field, lined-up in her class, waiting for her attendance to be taken. I begged her to come to my rescue – to come to the gates where I was locked outside.

Yean Yi came what after seemed like three minutes. Apparently, she brought my sister along, too. In addition, my sister also came with her friend, who I recognised as Jadeline (I guess this is her name). I was lifted by the sight that I’m being rescued by three people!! I believe Yean Yi could really help my through the entrance gates because she’s a prefect (until, on the phone just now, she told me that she quitted the Prefectorial Board this year).

Apparently, as I approached the gates the second time, Pn. Shalawati and that teacher I dislike wasn’t there. Instead, Pn. Lim, my Buddhist Society teacher was standing there. Jadeline and my sister were then questioned why they were ‘late’. It was because they walked out of the gates to call me in, and then went in the stadium again, causing a misunderstanding that they’ve just arrived. I pleaded my sister, telling her to pretend sick when asked. I had been forced to lie (I really dislike lying, but I’m left with no choice) to Pn. Lim that my sister’s feeling a little sick and because of that, I’ve got to take care of her. Pn. Lim then replied, “Sick then don’t come lah.”

Jadeline, being smart and quick enough, replied instantly, “But she’s taking part in the sports.” Now that’s really a smart answer, why didn’t I think of such a reply. I felt a great sense of relief when Pn. Lim said, “Go in lah, go in lah.” with her usual smile on her face. It really helped that Pn. Lim and I know each other since I was the Treasurer of the Society the previous year, and also a total of three people who came to help me at the same time – it meant another extra three brains smarter. However, I feel really guilty that I was forced to lie to Pn. Lim who I owe so much to. I really should think of something to make up my bad. I really didn’t want to lie… but I really had no other choice. I hope she understands.

It is silly to think that back then, during my schooling days, how much I wished for more school holidays and hoped that time will pass quickly so I could go home early. And now, I’m struggling hard to get back into school.

I had to keep on a constant vigilance the moment I stepped into the stadium. I wanted to avoid the sight of the teachers who shooed me out just now (just in case they ungratefully kick me out, again), and also to avoid her and her friends. I was then asking of why I’m even here since I wanted to avoid so many things, only to suffer. Perhaps the only thing that really motivated me to go was because I could see Madelene. Deep down inside my heart, I desperately, desperately want to see Voon Pang, too… but the time has got to be right.

Meanwhile, the House marching commenced on the rusty-red running tracks of the stadium. I was informed by Freda, days ago, that Voon Pang is participating in her Rumah Berjaya marching, so I was feeling pretty nervous that if my eyes were to catch a glimpse of her standing uniformly in her marching group. Actually, I was in doubt that if I want to see Voon Pang, even from afar. But since I had a feeling that told me that, perhaps the time is here, thus, I braved myself to look into the direction where the Berjaya marchers were standing. My eyes went through every single one of them in detail, heart beating fast. Perhaps it’s just my eyes, but even after attempting again and again, to no avail, I still didn’t see her anywhere amongst the Berjaya marchers.

I walked over towards my House (Rumah Hebat) to have a seat after Yean Yi fled away immediately to get some things settled. I see that I’m not the only one who’s here. In fact, there was so many more other ex-Form 5’s from last year who returned for this event. Nevertheless, that wasn’t the point. My first objective is to go find Madelene. I really want to see her and I’ve got many questions and conversation topics that I want to talk with her.

Then, I was thinking hard of what House she’s in as everyone is sitting in designated regions that their Houses occupy. “Eh, she told me she’s in Rumah Maju yesterday…” I remembered. I was fortunate enough that Rumah Hebat’s just next to Rumah Maju. Thus, I sat along the borderline that separated the two Houses apart. I scanned my eyes over the sea of people in red shirts, bearing a small logo of a tiger and ‘Maju’ imprinted at the back of their shirts. Unfortunately, to no avail, even after what seemed like a ten minute scout of where she’s sitting, I still didn’t see her anywhere. I started having the horrible thought that she isn’t here today because she slept pretty late last night.

The sun was pouring its generous hot scorching glow onto everyone who’s seated there. Couldn’t stand the heat any longer, I stood up, and headed towards the backstage. I worried that if Voon Pang and Madelene would get sun-burned for sitting under the hot sun. I took a glance over Rumah Maju once more… and this time, I saw her. My heartbeat paced faster. Madelene was sitting on the uppermost row of seat; it’s no wonder I didn’t see her just now. Apparently, she was also accompanied by a few friends, sitting on her both sides.

I went into the backstage and was surprised that there were a whole lot of students here. They too mustn’t have liked the heat too much. Yean Yi and I met up moments later and I told her I needed her help: to go and call Madelene. I cannot approach her personally because Xin Pei was just sitting beside Madelene. It was only after Yean Yi took what seemed like ages to get done with a task delegated to her randomly by a teacher, she then had the time to help me out.

We were at the backstage of where Rumah Maju was sitting. I was pretty nervous about this whole thing and thus, my instructions to Yean Yi were pretty unclear.

“Erm… just pat her…” I was saying to Yean Yi.

“On her head…” she completed my sentence.

“No, not on her head. On her shoulders. Gently.” I said, trying to make my sentences clearer.

“Okay, I know what to do!!” She seemed confident of how to help me out without me telling how.

“Oh wait, do you know Maddy??” I paused.

“Erm… yeah, I think so…”

“Wait… I go see and tell you who she is…” I moved a little in front to catch a detail glimpse of where Madelene was sitting.

“You see…” I showed her my palm. “She’s sitting one… two… three… The third person from the right…”

Yean Yi moved forward and looked right. “Ohh, she’s the one with fair fair skin one right?? White hair-band right??” she confirmed with me.

“I’m not sure what colour hair-band she’s wearing. Take my handphone and take a picture of her.” I handed her my cell phone.

“This one right??” she came back with a photo showing the back of a girl whose hair is tied with a white hair-band.

“Yup. This is her.” I replied enthusiastically.

She went off to call Madelene. While waiting, I wondered if Madelene would be surprised and happy to see me.

Yean Yi then came back, with Madelene following her. Madelene was looking elsewhere for a fraction of a second before her eyes caught mine.

“Hai!!” I greeted her, smiling.

“Eh, I thought you said you’re not coming one!?” she looked surprised, but still with that usual smile she wears.

“Oh, it’s a last minute decision.” I replied her hastily. I was worried that if time was permitting us to talk, because she might be spotted by her friend.

“Voon Pang’s marching you know??” she told me.

“She is??” I got a little confused. “But I didn’t see her marching just now!!”

“She’s not meh??” apparently, she got confused, too.

She glanced behind, checking if anyone saw her being with me.

“Oh no, Xin Pei saw me.” she fled.

Immediately after hearing those words, I fled to the flight of stairs towards my right as fast as possible.

After that conversation with Madelene, nothing much happened. Most of the time, I had to stick close to Yean Yi, because I had no one else to be with. Furthermore, she knows about this blog, thus, knowing all the things closest to my heart, so I believed in her that she would be able to help me out somehow or rather.

Many times, I had to flee upon the sight of Voon Pang’s friends. The people who I kept seeing, and almost bumping into, were Elaine and Goon May. It was really scary, because they might just turn up from a corner and I have to turn away instantly upon the sight of them.

I walked backstage and passed by a wall. There was someone sitting down, leaned against the wall, and I turned my head to see who it was. My heart stopped dead. It was Madelene. Our eyes met, and her eyes glowed that really beautiful charm, and I heard her gasp, or maybe she wanted to greet me. I almost smiled and greeted her, but my eyes caught sight of the person sitting next to her, who was Goon May. I turned my head the opposite direction I was looking in a flash, and walked away, pretending as if nothing had happened. All of it happened in a second. I believe I was quick enough that Goon May didn’t see me, I think.

A few hours have passed. Still, I didn’t see her anywhere yet. However, it seemed pretty strange to not see her anywhere, because after all, there’s no where else that we could possibly be at, considering that this stadium is a pretty small place. Perhaps that she knows that I’m here. It could be that she saw me here first, and decided to avoid seeing me.

I sighed. I see Elaine and Goon May more than I see Madelene and Voon Pang. And even if I saw Madelene, she was walking with some friends. That means we couldn’t possibly have any chat together privately. Perhaps, I’m just expecting too much. Despite consoling myself that the situation could have been worse, I still felt a little disappointment that I didn’t really have a proper chat with Madelene.

Walking through the backstage, I saw myself a year ago walking in this very same place, just that with a different objective in heart. Last year, I was so eager to see her, to give her those chocolates. Now, my heart flutters, wondering in doubt that if it’s something better or worse that if I actually see her.

Other than the times Madelene was surrounded by her friends, there were also some rare moments when I saw her alone. Once, I saw her sitting just two seats away from Yean Yi, and she appeared to be alone. There I saw my chance to have a chat with her, thus I approached her. However, when I was so close to her, I suddenly saw a few girls walking towards her. To my horror, those girls were Elaine and Goon May. Shocked, I retreated immediately with haste. Well, there goes another chance of talking to her.

Again, I saw Madelene. As usual, she’s accompanied by her friends, who was Goon May and some other girl who I didn’t recognise. I was thinking that if her friends are physically glued to her. Just everywhere she goes, there’s someone with her!! Apparently, they are heading towards my direction. Instinctively, I turned my back and walked away, pretending as if I’d saw nothing.

While walking away from them, I was positively sure that Madelene was tailing me from behind. I was wondering of why she wants to tail me whilst she knows that Goon May’s just next to her. Perhaps, she had already told Goon May another story to cover up, to protect me. As I walked, I could have sworn that I heard my name being called out a few times, despite the noisy surroundings produced by the yells and cheers of the crowd of students in the stadium arena. Because I doubt that if my name really was being called out and I didn’t even dare to look behind to see if Madelene was calling me (if not Goon May will know it’s me), I just ignored what I heard.

I heard my name being called a few times. I stopped my tracks and leaned against the wall, overlooking outside of the stadium. It was when I pretended to not hear and admiring the scenery, Madelene walked pass by me, distanced by a few feet, and she called, “Kean Lee.” once more. I looked into the direction where my name was being called out. She smiled at me. I didn’t really dare to smile as Goon May was really close to her. At that moment when I saw Goon May, I guess I understood why Madelene dared to call my name. It was because Goon May was having her earphones plugged on.

As they walked away together, the other girl who was accompanying her, who I didn’t recognise, asked Madelene, “Who’s that?? Your boyfriend ah??”

I laughed when I overheard that.

“No lah, he’s my friend…” replied Madelene.

I was worried that if Madelene would think that I’m ignoring and avoiding her, because at every sight of her, I would evade myself. I hope to explain my actions to her when I get to talk to her personally. Mmm… maybe I guess that she naturally understands why I’m behaving in this manner.

The time was already about 1pm. I was strolling, alone, in the backstage to avoid the heat. It was much cooler in the backstage. I walked pass a flight of stairs and looked below it, and I didn’t quite believe what I saw. It hit me so hard on my head. I saw a girl, leaning against the railings of the stairs, savouring her ice-cream she’s holding. She was apparently accompanied by a girl by her side. She looked like Voon Pang, but I wasn’t really sure if she really is Voon Pang, because she’s quite some distance away that I couldn’t make out her face. I almost died. I could have sworn that my heartbeat stopped the moment I saw her. I looked away immediately after a second or two. The time on my watch was showing 1.25pm. If that girl really is Voon Pang… then this is the first time I’ve seen her after five months… I trust my heart to tell me if a person who I see is Voon Pang or not. Sometimes, I think I can just close my eyes and tell which, among a group of girls facing their back on me, is her.

It was getting pretty late. The whole event was scheduled to end at around 1pm, but it’s already 2pm. A massive number of students have already gone home. I didn’t even see the whereabouts of Madelene for quite some time, too. I decided that maybe I should call it a day.

I was leaning on the walls on the second floor, looking at the students outside the stadium, waiting for their parents’ arrival to pick them up. I was surprised to see that Madelene is still there at this hour. I observed a little more in detail her friends around her and when I was sure they weren’t any of the people who I recognised, I went downstairs and out of the stadium with haste.

I was looking at her as I was coming out. She too, was looking around. Then, she looked into my direction, and looked away. Immediately, she turned her head back towards my direction and seemed surprised to see me. I guess she was delighted, because she smiled and mouthed “Hi” at me. Knowing that it’s a clear situation now, I smiled and mouthed “Hi” back to her, while waving at her.

I was feeling elated at the sight of her, like I always did. There aren’t many people who, when I see, I’ll get all excited. Although the situation was clear, that no one I recognise was there, I still didn’t went over to her, just in case her friends question her and make impressions on me.

We were both waiting for our parents to pick us up. And when we were both waiting, she kept turning her head to look at me. I too, kept looking at her. When our eyes met, we smiled at each other, and then looked away. Once, when our eyes met, she smiled, and gestured a thumbs-up at me. I felt even happier when she gestured at me, because I thought that I didn’t really do a good job that I came to the stadium. Maybe her gesture was meant to say that I did well today.

I remembered that she told me online, yesterday, that she loves taking pictures. There, I saw her posing for the camera with her friends. She looked really photogenic and beautiful. I too, took a picture of her, mentally. I smiled at the sight of her posing for the camera. After all, it’s also going to be another beautiful memory for me. Seeing her reminds me when I was her age. I asked myself why wasn’t I like her, enjoying myself to the fullest back then in those years. Mmm… perhaps, I did enjoy myself to the fullest. Maybe I was just enjoying life in a different way.

When Dad arrived, my heart felt reluctant to leave the place because Madelene was still there. I looked back, smiled and waved goodbye to her. She, too, smiled and waved goodbye to me. I felt bad leaving her behind just like that. At least it would have made me feel better that if I saw her off first, to make sure she returned home safely.

Now that I come to think of it, I remember that Voon Pang and Elaine are really close friends. But despite the fact that I kept seeing Elaine countless times in the stadium, there wasn’t even once I see Voon Pang being with her. This really is strange. It really strikes me that if Voon Pang actually came today. The strangest thing of all is that throughout the six hours in the stadium, not even once did I see her anywhere. However, my feelings told me that she was there in the stadium today.

Later on, I did a search on the internet to search if there’s any pictures posted up of today’s Sports Day. My feelings proved itself right when I saw some pictures posted up in someone else’s blog, who randomly took a shot of Rumah Berjaya’s occupied area in the stadium. Among the many pictures that the author posted up, two of the pictures featured her inside. At the sight of her, I felt that usual crunch in my left chest. She was really there today. But, why did we not see each other??

Mmm… what a day. Long before this, I have made up my mind that I’m not going for this event. Never did I have thought that I would be there today. There are many things in life that we can just never predict what’s happening next. We just never know what’s in store for us tomorrow. Like what her display message says in her MSN, “Life is full of surprises…”

I remember. And I will try to remember everything about you till the day I have to go.

Did I regret going today?? Well, I guess not. Despite the fact that I was pretty uncomfortable that I had to keep up a constant vigilance, however, I’m really happy that I could see Madelene. Being back there to experience another schooling day also really brought me back into my fondest memories of schooling life. Not seeing her could have meant that the time isn’t right for us to meet. Mmm… all these will become memories, filling up pages after pages of my life. What are my plans after this?? Now that I ponder on this question, I realise I see nothing ahead of me. Well, except for Fridays, that is a day I see a possibility of a spark rekindling, or just flickers away. As for now, all I can do is to hope… to hope for everything to go beautifully well.

Thank you so much, Madelene.

Thanks to the people who were there and spent time with me.

I Have a Story to Tell

2008-05-06T20:46:00.001+08:00

Today is a Friday, 25/04/08

Friday is the only day in the week that motivates me to move and look forward. This is the very day that I will feel so much love and feelings inside me. The feeling is just so beautiful; so nostalgic and sentimental.

Today is a Friday, and I have a story to tell.

I SMS-ed Zhi Wen at about 11.30am, asking him that if he wants to meet up in Atria later at around 12.30pm to 1.00pm. Instantly, he replied.

Zhi Wen: Kkz. Em. 1 at kfc.

Kean Lee: Do u wanna have lunch at Pizza Hut too??

Zhi Wen: No thanks. Cya.

It was because last week, when we met each other during his recess and when I was having my Taekwondo training, he said that it’s ‘very awkward’ to be meeting me for such a short period of time and had so much things to talk about, but having no time to talk.

However, due to my procrastination of having a 30-minute cat nap which turned out to be 45 minutes, and bad time management, I didn’t make it. I didn’t get to see Zhi Wen. To add insult to injury, the cab that I called came after what seemed like 50 minutes later.

All in all, I reached Atria at 2.10pm, which was an hour and ten minutes later than the time I was supposed to be there. I was pretty disappointed with myself though, failing to keep up to my appointment with someone who I trust. I was hoping hard that he isn’t angry with me.

I took a slow walk to school from Atria, just in case I reached school before the school bell rang. When I was inside school, I was pretty surprised that there were so many afternoon session students going around here and there. I thought to myself that there must be some commotion going on. Then I remembered that this Sunday’s Sports Day, and that’s why everyone’s getting ready and preparing themselves for this Sunday.

I was worried. In fact, I was more than worried. I was scared, very scared that if Voon Pang would appear from somewhere, because Freda told me that she participated in her Berjaya house marching for this Sunday.

I didn’t quite know what to do. I didn’t know where to go. And since everywhere was occupied by students practicing their stunts (for House cheerleading) and marches, I wondered where Taekwondo training would be held. It scared me just to think that if the training would be held in some place where we could see each other openly.

I was pacing around, wondering what I should do next. It was until then I saw Freda walking into my direction, and after her usual enthusiastic expression that she wears of meeting me every Friday, she explained that its because this Sunday’s Sports Day, so everyone is doing their final preparations. When I asked Freda of where Voon Pang could be, she said that she’s in the field, marching. I felt a gush of relieved feeling.

Taekwondo commenced as usual, but occupying only a small space just outside the School Hall. My heart wasn’t with Taekwondo, it was somewhere else.

When the bell rang, a class of students came out of the Science Lab. A group of students walked passed and I looked up in distraction. I was taken aback when I saw Madelene was walking pass my training area. Apparently, she was looking about, probably looking for me, as she headed for the flight of stairs. I don’t know if she saw me, but I didn’t greet her at my sight.

The more I anticipated, the slower the time passed. After what seemed like years of waiting, the bell for the Form 2 recess finally rang. I have been waiting for this very moment. I wonder if she would remember though, that we’re supposed to meet up today.

Ahh, how cruel situations can be. As I waited and waited, the recess period is almost ending. Fortunately, Zhi Wen appeared. I mouthed to him from a short distance, as I couldn’t move from my place as my Taekwondo instructor is giving his usual long-winded tips for all the trainers, “Where’s Madelene??”

He gestured, while mouthing me in reply, “Wait, wait, I go call her immediately!!” and with that, he ran off in search for her. I waited impatiently and thought what’s next to happen.

The bell rang after some moment. I believe that the Form 2’s recess is over. I wondered if this will be my third week in a row, not seeing her.

Zhi Wen came back; this time he’s accompanied by Madelene. As I got all excited and ran towards Madelene, my eyes caught sight of Xin Pei, Allison, and Elaine. I thought this really isn’t supposed for how things to happen: why did she bring them along while she knows that my presence might be revealed.

Zhi Wen then told me, “This isn’t what’s supposed to happen,” He meant that he didn’t expect Madelene to be accompanied by other friends.

I was too elated at the sight of Madelene and didn’t think too much about anything else. After all, this is my first time seeing her after such a long time. The last time I saw her was also the last day I saw Voon Pang, the day when I sat for Mathematics paper for SPM.

Though we were seeing each other now, but she was standing very short a distance away from me. I tried to greet her, but she appeared to be unusually shy and awkward. I didn’t know what happened to have made her feel that way. She avoided looking at me, but merely stood there, and was exchanging a lot of words with Xin Pei as soft as possible, inaudible to me.

Zhi Wen was there at that moment. I didn’t know what to do. There hung an awkward silence between them and me. I really didn’t know what to do. Finally, Madelene and her friends walked away.

I sighed. I wondered if she had a bad impression on me, so bad that she was awkward to even greet me verbally. But the chocolate… it can’t stay with me… it’s intended to be a surprise to her… I didn’t want to give it to her in the open if not her friends will become suspicious.

I told Zhi Wen, “Actually… I wanted to give her chocolate one… but she walk away like this… hmm… maybe…” I walked towards my bag, opened it, and took out that bar of Cadbury chocolate that was packed inside a plastic bag to conceal the chocolate. “Maybe you can please pass this to her??”

“Okay. I’ll give it to her maybe after school lah.” he said helpfully. “They usually gather around her after school.” he added.

“Why after school?? I mean, your class is also on the third floor, near to hers what…” I didn’t know the reason he said that.

“If I just go in her class and give this to her, other people will become curious and ask what’s that.” he explained.

Wow. I’m astonished by his thinking. How did I not think of that!!

“Oh yeah. Didn’t think of that. Okay then. Please yeah? Thanks soo much!!” I gratefully replied.

“No problem.” he said without hesitation.

But as I passed him the chocolate, Madelene appeared far in front of me, but this time only accompanied by Xin Pei at her side.

“Nehhh!! There’s Madelene!!!” I pointed to them directly in front of me, enthusiastically.

Zhi Wen ran towards them, and I saw him passing it to her. She looked at him as he approached, then looked down at what he’s handing to her. Almost instantly, she pulled him beside her, hurrying up towards the flight of stairs. That was the last time I saw her.

I stood there, contemplating the scene in my mind whereby when she received that bar of chocolate. Maybe at that moment that we met just now, she was expecting to receive a surprise that was waiting for her, and she might have wondered why I am still not giving it to her.

I thought to myself: I have finally reached my objective, after three weeks. I felt relieved. As I was feeling happy and accomplished, it was then I saw Zhi Wen again. Apparently, he came back downstairs to ask me a question.

“Are you angry??” he asked curiously.

“Haha. Let me guess… did Madelene asked you to ask me this??” I laughed happily.

“Yeah.” he didn’t even think twice or hesitate before answering. I wondered why he didn’t lie to me.

“Actually…” I paused for a moment, then looked up the sky. The beautiful wind breeze blew… I’m surprised that she would think that I’m angry at her; it’s just so cute the way she thinks.

“Actually, I’m not angry at all!! In fact, I’m very happy!! I’m very happy that I can get to see her today!! … And get to give her the chocolates!! … Why does she think I’m angry…” I exclaimed excitedly.

Zhi Wen then had to excuse himself as the bell went off long ago, and probably his teacher is in class by now. I bid him goodbye, and looked at him heading towards the flight of stairs that he, Madelene and Xin Pei went up together just now.

I then remembered of something I almost forgotten to ask, and hurried up to Zhi Wen who was still in sight.

“Oh wait. I want to ask something. Did she say thank you or anything??” I asked.

“Err… no. She only kept asking if you were angry or not.” he replied.

“Haha, she’s always worrying.” I joked. Actually, she was the one who said that I am the person who’s always worrying.

I waited for Dad to come to pick me up. It was then 6pm in the evening. This is the evening that I love. The skies featured a bright peachy colour, infused with tinge of reddish glow from the setting sun. The mood that is conjured in me is just so peaceful and serene… Looking dreamily at the evening skies, I was brought back into my memory of those younger days, when still in Form 1 and 2; after school, I walked out of the school through the school car-park. Then, I replaced her in my memories, and saw her walking the same path, with the same weather, the glowing skies, and the breezing wind…

I hope that this is not one of the rare moments that I get to meet her. If I return next Friday, I really hope that we meet each other again. There is so many things that I want to share with her, but never having much chance to see each other.

Last School Event – Majlis Anugerah Cemerlang 2008

2008-04-18T02:13:00.001+08:00

Saturday, 12/04/08

- A story very close to my heart…-

Looking back at last year, it has been a year that I’ve done so many things. Studying, went into a mild depression, love… and all the efforts poured into her, to ensure that she’s happy… that her route that she has to trot will be smoother.

But finally it was nearing my SPM exam. I wondered, and worried that if I could do well in this exam because almost the whole year alone, all my attention and effort was focused into her. The sense of achieving both things at once is something so immense.

Throughout the exam, the picture of us was just beside me, kept inside my wallet. Whenever I felt tired writing and exhausted, I would place my right hand on my right pocket, and I would tell myself, “It’s for your future.” I would then continue on with the exams. It was her who was accompanying me throughout the whole exam, in my heart, in my wallet, in my mind. I struggled hard, telling myself that I cannot let her down in any way.

Till today, that picture of us together is still inside there, and everytime I open my wallet, there she will be, looking at me with that very beautiful smile.

I looked up the blue sky with the shining rays of the sun beaming at me; I thought about the things I’ve done and the SPM certificate I was holding. I thought I was dreaming. It was such an impossibility to be juggling two really big things at once: efforts towards her, and studying.

But I got through it. The things I’ve done and my academic results. Both of these had been hard on me. The feeling is the feeling of achievement, a feeling so great because I poured all efforts on her and not my studies, but managed to succeed in both.

Only students who got 8A’s and above for SPM are invited to this Majlis Anugerah Cemerlang (MAC) which celebrates the excellent achievement of the students. This is a prize-giving ceremony, and the very last official school event for me.

Today, it’s the last time going up the stage, smiling in front of the camera, receiving a gift and shaking hands with the prize-giver. Throughout these years, I’ve rarely been up on stage for something official. If I would, it would be some class performances or dramas, but never quite for receiving a prize. The last time I’ve been up here was during Majlis Penganugerahan Ko-kurikulum, which was also that very day when we took a picture together that now exist inside my wallet.

I was all dressed up in formal attire – light-blue-striped long-sleeved shirt, long black pants and Dad’s black necktie. I don’t recall when the last time I’ve dressed so smartly before.

I prayed and wished hard that St. John’s wouldn’t have their training today, if not, there’s a big possibility that I’ll see her. I’m still afraid of seeing her. I just couldn’t help it. But I trust that when the time comes, I would know, and I would brave myself to see her in person. Though I might cry in front of her, but at that time, it’s more important to do what I have to.

I was one of the earliest to arrive in school. The Scouts have set up tents and are already camping in the grassy school field. I walked around the school, trying to find a familiar face to distract my feeling of awkwardness that is caused by given stares from many students. It surely must have been my attire that is attracting their attention.

She wasn’t here. St. John’s didn’t have practice today. I thought that it must have really been a miracle that they don’t have practice this week (because they religiously hold practices almost every week). I was really grateful that the school decided to call off all activities (except for the Scouts I think) for this Saturday as there’s an important function going on.

Students started flocking in the School Hall, all handsomely and prettily dressed up in formal attire for this event. There were also many 7 and 8A’s PMR scorers who attended this event, as well as some students who excelled in the co-curricular field; all of them here for their prizes and certificates.

Everything went on as usual with the national anthem being played at the very beginning of the ceremony. I was actually waiting for the school anthem to be played, but unfortunately, only the national anthem was played and the ceremony commenced from there. It has been months since I last sang the school and national anthem. Then, there were those usual boring speeches that caused me to not be able to sit still.

I remember back then, when I was in Form 1, my teacher complained that even after weeks of singing to school’s anthem, we still haven’t quite got the lyrics right. Thus, we had to sing and sing repeatedly until we got the lyrics right. Those were the days… a memory… And now I look at the First Years, I see myself and realised that even though I’m five years older than them, but I’m not any better off than them. I’ve grown physically bigger and taller, but deep down in my heart, I’m still the very same person like every one of them, so naïve, so playful, so many things to be learnt.

I was seated on my designated seat and started admiring the school. Though I was just here yesterday for Taekwondo practice, but it seems… it seems so beautiful. Although it’s already April and I’ve already left school months ago, but it seems that I haven’t quite left school at all. When I return to school, it seems as if that I’ve just returned from a weekend break into another ordinary weekday that is packed with school lessons and surprises.

As my eyes wandered around slowly, I caught sight of Madelene’s sister. My heart skipped a beat. “Oh gosh, that’s Madelene’s sister!!” I exclaimed mentally. My eyes widened. She was just sitting a mere few rows in front of me. It was just only yesterday that Madelene and I are supposed to meet up and I’m to surprise her with those chocolates. But now her sister is in front of my eyes. For the fact that I’ve hardly exchanged even a couple of conversations with Madelene’s sister, and don’t even know her name, thus I didn’t walk over to greet her. I watched her intently from my seat to see that if reassembled Madelene in any way and realised that she’s actually a very decent girl. She didn’t seem to display any signs of being proud and those actions that a ‘fussy’ girl will usually display. She also appears to be alert, attentive (towards the stage performances) and quiet; unlike many girls who are really chatterboxes.

I remember months ago, on a Friday afternoon, when I went around the school in search for Madelene, it was then I saw Allison (if my memory serves me right, it was Allison who I saw) and asked her if she saw Madelene. Co-incidentally, Madelene’s sister was sitting beside Allison. Madelene’s sister then asked me, “Why, you like her ah??” I smiled at her, and replied, “Nope, I just want to tell her something.” She then revealed that she’s actually Madelene’s sister. I didn’t believe her, and was also surprised at the same time. What a beautiful co-incidence it is to ask Allison where’s Madelene, but not knowing that it is Madelene’s sister who is sitting just next to Allison.

“Really??” I asked in astonishment.

“Yeah, you don’t believe??” Madelene’s sister asked.

“Are you joking??” I asked her.

“Do I not look like her??”

“Hmm… no…”

“Why everyone says that I don’t look like my sister one??” she said, pondering.

Madelene is the person most important to me, after Voon Pang. She also is someone who I owe my life to for the reason that because she’s done so many things for me. These are the reasons why I look up on her and trust her with all my heart.

When it was about my turn for the prize-giving; I called my friend’s (Yean Yi) cell phone to help me record a video of me going up the stage, using my cell phone. In my thinking, it didn’t really quite matter that if I’m going to be recorded going up stage for my final ceremony. But on second thoughts, I think that I should keep a memory of it since I had the chance to record it anyway, and after all, it’s my last time going up that stage for an official function.

“Shake hands, take picture, receive prize, shake hands with pengiring” I constantly repeated to myself before I went up stage, hoping that I won’t embarrass myself in front of the crowd of hundreds. (Pengiring is the person accompanying the person who gives out the prize.) It was my turn. I straightened my back, walked (I was walking quite fast, unconsciously, due to the nervousness) towards the prize-giver, shook hands with her and thanked her. I smiled at the camera man, but still not that mentally prepared yet and the flash went off almost instantly. I received the prize which was a trophy with a name and grades achieved, imprinted on a sticker and stuck on the base of the trophy. I then shook hands with the pengiring and thanked her too. It was all done when I walked down the stage with Yean Yi waiting down there for me, my cell phone in her hands, apparently just finished recording the silliness of me on stage.

Among all the people who were in school, the only person who I knew better was only Yean Yi. It was time for her to go back and I accompanied her and walked her out the school, and waited with her for her Mom to fetch her. She jokingly complained that I made her wait for such a long time before she could help me record a video of me going up the stage. I apologised and asked her what I could do for her to make it up for my bad. She said something that I didn’t quite expect, “Do me a favour by going up and talk to her.” I gave it a moment of thought before I replied, “Yeah, I will, but that would take sometime before I do that. When the right time comes, I will…”

It was quite some time after that I’ve received my prize, before the prize-giving came to an end. The national anthem was being played again. I borrowed the booklet (that was given out to parents who attended the ceremony) from my friend. The booklet is a few pages thick, recording the names of high scorers of PMR and SPM, and the planned events of this ceremony. While singing the national anthem, I flipped the book and went finding vigorously for my name. I just know that the names printed here are going to be listed in this year’s Nostalgia (Year Book).

As I flipped the pages, in desperate search of my name, I got more and more nervous. I read and reread the pages, making sure I was in the right page. The national anthem was half-way till its end and I stopped singing abruptly, eyes transfixed on the booklet, but still I couldn’t spot my name in it.

I stopped and looked up the ceiling. I exhaled. I thought to myself that this cannot be it. My name must appear in the Nostalgia. My mind told me, “She must get to see my name”. She really has got to see this. After all my efforts poured into her and I still got decent grades, I really want my name to be printed in the Nostalgia…

I felt really disappointed. I began to feel both great disappointment and sadness. I brought the book up again, flipped the pages once more as if a miracle would turn up. “Look for the letter starting from ‘L’…look for Lim…” I told myself encouragingly once more, hoping against hope that I was wrong that my name isn’t printed in the booklet.

Then, I suddenly realised that there’s another column of names that I’ve missed on the next page. I focused. A rush of excitement and gratitude overwhelmed me. There was my name. Lim Kean Lee. There was my name printed in that section because the previous page must have ran out of space. My heartbeat slowed down. I felt so much relieved and happy to know that I made a mistake and my name must have slipped away when I was frantically going through the pages. There was a feeling of love… contentment and relief to know that it would be printed in the Nostalgia and she would eventually read it.

The whole ceremony ended with a lunch buffet cooked by the school canteen. It was my last official school event, and the last serving of my portion of food that was the school’s symbol of gratitude towards me. The canteen served tables of food, but all of them appeared to be only repeating dishes of nasi briyani, curry chicken and fruits. However, since I didn’t have the appetite, thus I didn’t join in eating with others. “But then…this is the last time the school is going to serve you, are you not even eating for the sake of the last memory??” my mind asked me. I just really didn’t have the appetite, if not I’ll have some even if I’m feeling full, out of making a final memory of my beloved school’s gratitude for me. Instead, I headed for the drinks, which was orange concentrate. Perhaps I’ll drink this to create the last memory instead, substituting for the food.

Having only a few friends during my schooling days, that didn’t change at all even after I left school. Naturally, there wasn’t really anyone who I know or someone who I felt closer to when I was in the canteen, and in addition, since I wanted some quiet time for myself to remember my pasts in this school, I walked out of the canteen. I headed towards the Science Lab and sat on the red ceramic bench just outside the Lab. The bench was cool, so as the wind breeze that blew occasionally. The time then was about 11.40am. It was so beautiful just sitting down there, remembering about the time during my younger years when I was still in this school. Those memories are just so vivid and fresh in my mind and seemed as if it was just a month ago…

It was already about 12pm. I got up and returned to the canteen. The crowd in the canteen had settled down a bit. I went for another round of orange concentrate, telling myself that this is my final cup before I go home after this. As I paced alone slowly in the canteen while everyone else was enjoying their lunch, there I saw Madelene’s sister. This time, I didn’t feel that nervous to approach the sister of the second most important person who matters to me, and so I walked towards her. She was sitting down with her other friends on the canteen bench, plates of lunch rested on another canteen bench and apparently unable to find a table to eat. She looked up at me as I got closer. Looking at her in greater detail, I was wrong to say, when we first chatted, that she doesn’t reassemble Madelene’s looks. In fact, it must have been that I remembered and recognised her in the School Hall just now for the reason that she looks like Madelene.

“You’re… Madelene’s sister, right??” I asked. I knew she was. I remember that memory well when she revealed herself.

She looked at me as she wiped her mouth with a serviette. “Yeah.” She said, looking at me. She looked neither interested nor disinterested in the conversation and I thought that she might have just been just probably shy or feeling awkward of all this sudden person approaching her to talk to her.

I smiled. “I remember you.” I said thoughtfully. She didn’t give a reply, merely looked up at me, then (awkwardly) looked down and continued with her lunch.

There was a moment of silence while I thought what it was important to ask her.

“So how’s Madelene??” I asked.

“She fine.” Her replies are short and curt. I hope she doesn’t misunderstand that I’m going after her.

That reply of hers was followed with another moment of silence.

“Oh yeah…” I exclaimed thoughtfully. “Why sometimes I SMS her she don’t reply one??” I asked her. It seems that it’s supposed to be a question that should go to Madelene instead. However, I thought it was a right question to ask since I remembered that once, Zhi Wen told me that Madelene and her sister shares the common phone.

She gave it a while of thought, and then replied me.

“Sorry??” I begged her pardon. The noise interruption was interfering with what I was hearing.

“Sometimes when she receives a message, it cannot be read.” She repeated.

“Why??”

“I don’t know…” She continued eating.

I didn’t quite know what to ask. After a another short moment of silence, I asked again.

“So what you’re here for?? PMR??” I asked. I was standing there and she was sitting, still eating.

“Yeah…” she replied.

“Seven A’s??”

“Yeah.” She said. “And you?? How many A’s did you get??” she asked.

“Nine A’s” I replied, smiling.

“Congrats.” She congratulated me, and then continued eating.

“Thanks.” I said and smiled at her. I wanted to congratulate her, but didn’t know why I didn’t after all. It must have been the awkward situation.

I stood there, finishing with my orange concentrate drink from the Styrofoam cup. She didn’t seem to have any enthusiasm to continue the conversation, unlike Madelene. And, I think I really shouldn’t be bothering her with her lunch.

I couldn’t think of anything else to ask her and the situation there hung a scent of awkwardness. When I finished my drink, I excused myself. “Hmm… I’ll go first. Bye!!” I said, smiling at her.

“Bye!” she bid me.

Year 2007 – a year that so many things happened. It was a year that I learnt so many beautiful and special things and feelings that I’ve never thought that such things existed before. It was also a year when I realised that I must continue to live on to keep my promise to protect her, forever. Of all the five years I was in school, I’ve never quite achieved anything… until the last year of my school. Though all I have all the memories of these individual five years all in my heart, but the final year was a one that is so exceptional and has etched something so very deep and sentimental in my heart that I can never, ever forget.

Love can be really painful… but it is really beautiful at the same time. To experience and understand that love can be two different, like and unlike feelings at the same time is something so deep and sentimental. This feeling moved my heart so deeply, inexpressible in words, but only can be felt with a very sincere heart.

mmm, are you okay??...

2008-04-15T23:37:00.000+08:00

Friday, 11/04/08

Ahh, it’s another Friday. It has been months that I’ve been documenting the happenings in my life. How long more only when the winds will change; that I don’t know.

Just last Sunday, I received an SMS when I was in Ikano MPH bookshop. I flipped open my phone, pressed the button that opened the message and started reading. It was only until I opened that message, by heart skipped a few beats…

It was Madelene.

This was the text conversation that exchanged between us:

Madelene: Yo! long time hadnt hear frm u! so hows things so far? u fine there? busy wif college life huh..vp’s out in 1u nw. sighs..i didnt get 2 go larz. v.v sad wei..

Kean Lee: Hihi!! 1stly, i want apologise tat i didn’t msg u. I’m scared tat… uh… I might disturb u or sth. I reli dislike college!! N i RELI RELI miss all of u!!! How u doing? And, can i tell u sth but pls dun tell vp and her frens? And im in ikano now, very close to 1u…

Madelene: Its ok. bt wads up wif college life? dat stress r? Ya..im fine. lotsa f-ing projects,h/w,blahblah..lolx..u can trust me! 8) btw,im nt feeling dat close 2 vp..

Kean Lee: Frm nw on, I promise to msg u more often ok? I dislike everything abt collge, abt d ppl, d lessons, d time schedule… just everything abt it. Its bcos tat im still very attached to DJ tats y i want to only remain in DJ. Yeah, u’re 1 of d few ppl who i trust with all my heart. Well, d thing i wanna say is, every Friday i still go bak 2 scl, bt i avoid seeing vp and her frens. Scared to see her. Oh, u can tell me if u nid help wif ur hw and projects.

Madelene: Ya sure..bt wait,ware do u go wor? omg! no wonder i get a weird feeling dat u r around! on fri during taekwando! Ok,nw i noe! ;p haha..bt y u scared 2 c vp??

Kean Lee: Omg, u still rmb tat i go for Taekwondo, im so touched till I’m crying happy tears T_T mmm? bt y u have tat weird feeling one? I hide myself inside d scl hall.

Madelene: Lolx..4 sure i rmb! Dats wad buds r 4! c; ok,i get d feeling dat ur there! ur presence! ya noe wad im saying ryt! Haha..wad u do at scl?? i’ll try 2 meet u k!

Kean Lee: Haha!! Of course i knw wat u mean!! I return to scl to go for taekwondo. And I also reli reli miss scl and to feel tat feeling (same feeling as u feel) when im close to u and vp (although i dun dare to see vp). I’m RELI RELI looking forward to see u!! Omg, so excited i can die!!

Madelene: Huh?? u still join taekwondo?! 0.o tot ur done wit it ad! Heh..i’ll try 2 sneak out of class! =B

Kean Lee: Haha, taekwondo black belt got rankings one, and im at d lowest rank, haha, im lousy!! No need to sneak outta class, cos u can see me during ur recess!! ;P

The text conversation ended there just like that, without her replying me in return.

Her message came so abrupt and I really didn’t expect it. The moment when I read her first message… I just couldn’t believe who it was from. I almost cried. I was moved because I thought that it wouldn’t matter to her even if she remembers me or not because after all, I’ve already left school.

Madelene. She’s the person who I owe my life to. She’s the person who helped me look-out for Voon Pang when I wasn’t beside her.

There are uncountable numbers of people who appear in all our lives. Some are people we are close to, some just buddies and others are mere strangers. However, the people who have actually helped us so immensely are the ones who we feel we owe our lives to them.

For me, there are a number of people who I owe everything to. In my heart, the person most important after Voon Pang… is Madelene.

The feeling when I read what she texted to me, “omg! no wonder i get a weird feeling dat u r around!” made me feel so… happy. For me, you really must be always thinking of a person, and that person is very close to your heart and only then, you’ll get to feel a strange tingling feeling when that person is encountering something, or you’re near that person. Madelene’s description of that feeling, that she senses my presence, probably implies that I’m not just another ordinary person in her eyes.

Hearing from someone who is close to your heart, tells you that his/her impression on you isn’t just like every other people, but a more special impression, really is something very nice to know and hear. And I think, maybe Madelene sees me differently, in a good way.

That was the text conversation that happened last Sunday (06/04/08). Saying that she’ll “try 2 sneak out of class!” the coming Friday, this really made me feel very excited. Naturally, I began to believe my thinking that she doesn’t think that she should forget me because, she would even take the risk to sneak out of class, just to see me. After all, who would be so enthusiastic to see someone else who has left school already??

On Wednesday (09/04/08), I went out to 1 Utama alone. I bought a single movie ticket for the movie “Ah Long Pte Ltd”. Perhaps it would seem strange to go out shopping all alone, unaccompanied by friends. However, I needed some time out for myself. I want some freedom away from my thoughts and fresh air to loosen up a bit because all the while, I’ve been thinking a little too much.

Usually when I go out with my family, Mom would always visit shops of her choice, which are almost always clothes and household wares. My other family members don’t split up when Mom’s taking her sweet time browsing the different patterns and colours of clothes (of which all looks the same to me), for the fact that we don’t really have any shops in particular we want to visit.

And since I was alone all by myself this time, I had the freedom to go wherever I want. I went hunting for what I liked most – chocolates. Thus, I went down the lowest floor where I know that there’s a shop selling imported chocolates (there are reasonably priced chocolates there, not only expensive ones). However, my memory of where that shop was located was pretty vague, let alone the name of the shop.

Actually, I already had an intention in mind before I came to 1 Utama, and even before I visited this chocolate shop. Since I was going to be meeting up with Madelene this Friday, I thought it would be really beautiful to bring a gift to surprise her. Being able to make someone smile will actually make me happier than that person who’s smiling.

And so, I went down to the lowest ground, peering into the shops in detail, finding the shop that my mind reminded me that it was here somewhere. As I walked, my heart beat faster and faster. I thought to myself, “Wow… imported chocolates!! Cadbury!! Mmm… don’t get to find that in normal shops.” I was pretty thrilled and excited just imagining myself popping that brown piece of chocolate and it melts wonderfully in my mouth… mmm…

There it was. The name of the shop was “The Cocoa Trees”. “What a weird and cliché name.” I thought to myself. They could have rather called themselves something more grandeur for selling some really nice chocolates not normally sold in other shops.

I looked around the shop and finally chose and bought two 250g bars of Cadbury chocolate. It wasn’t that pricey considering it’s only RM14.90 each, and it’s imported after all.

I fell a little ill the day before Friday. I thought to myself that I will not allow anything to spoil my Fridays. And if I have to, I’ll force myself to go to school even if I’m feeling terrible. I popped some antibiotics, hoping against hope that I’ll get better by the next day, or at least, good enough to go to school the next day.

The next day itself, I woke up pretty early because I couldn’t sleep almost the entire night due to the pain inflicted by the illness. I did some preparing for the afternoon’s trip to school, at the same time feeling pretty horrible. I practically wasn’t really in a shape for anything. I had a headache and my body was feeling a little sore. But I had my mind set for school and I hoped that the dose of antibiotics would, at least, sustain me for this afternoon till evening.

Waiting for those few hours to pass by seemed like months. My eyes kept looking at the clock every few minutes, waiting for time to touch 2.00pm where I can do my last mental preparation before I go to school. As my mind kept reminding me of Madelene, my heart beat faster, wondering what would happen next. I was worried at the same time, worried that if she would forget our meeting up this very day.

I arrived school at around 2.35pm, just minutes after the afternoon school students started their schooling session. I peered into the School Hall and saw that it was filled with chairs, all well prepared for tomorrow’s Majlis Anugerah Cemerlang, which I would be attending. It was good to know that I would be back here in school in less than 24 hours, but sad at the same time knowing that it would be the last school event that I’m involved in.

It must have been the medications that made me felt much better when I was in school. Taekwondo as usual, started at 3.00pm and all those usual routine of warming up and everything. However, my mind wasn’t fully there. I was pretty distracted throughout the whole time, looking front and back, left and right to see if actually Madelene really did sneak out of class to meet up with me. I wondered that if she read my message that I sent her yesterday telling her that she didn’t have to sneak out of class and could have instead meet up with me during her recess, since her recess time coincides with my training time.

Time passed by, minute after minute, still without her appearance. I started to become worried that if she actually had forgotten about out meeting-up. The chocolate that I bought for her yesterday was in my bag. I hoped that the weather wouldn’t melt the surprise that was awaiting her.

The bell went off, indicating the start of recess for the First Formers. It would be about 20 or 30 minutes before her recess. I got pretty excited, not because of Taekwondo this time. I wonder what the second most important person in my life would think of me when she sees me.

There, the bell for the Second Formers recess when off this time. Instead of the nervousness that was overwhelming me just now, now its worry. I sure do feel many different feelings. I worried that she might have thought that she could only see me when she sneaks out of class and that she had forgotten to do that, so she missed the chance of seeing me. I hope she had read that SMS I sent to her and remembers our meeting up.

I pondered of why I’m so cooked up just because I am going to meet her. It’s not as if I’m meeting Voon Pang, so why should I feel the need for all these preparation and feelings. Then I remembered, even that she isn’t Voon Pang, but she’s still someone close to Voon Pang. After all, she’s also someone who I owe so much to, and is also the person most important to me, next to Voon Pang. Perhaps that explained my feelings, I suppose.

It was silly waiting. The time seemed to take ages to pass. The more I waited, the more impatient I got. I started pacing around, heart beating faster than before. Why didn’t she appear yet?? Did she actually forget??

It was the most unfortunate thing of all that the bell went off once again. My heart sank deep down. The Form Two recess ended. Even the encouragement idea that she might meet me up before she returned to class didn’t help my feelings.

“It could have just been that she had forgotten about it.” I said to myself. I was feeling disappointed. After all, she said that she would try to sneak out of class to see me… but in the end… she didn’t turn up.

With that, I returned home, still with that bar of chocolate inside my bag. Hah… I remembered that this incident happened before. Back then, it was a surprise for Voon Pang.

I really think she must have forgotten about it. It’s okay. Sometimes, I myself do forget about things, too. And it’s understandable, considering that heavy amount of workload that is burdening her. That really must have stressed her out. I wonder how’s Voon Pang doing. I feel that I would do anything just to help them out with their work, hoping to lift the heavy workload off their backs.

Maybe I should try it again next week, I hope. I’ll bring the chocolates to surprise her next week, instead. Maybe it’ll work out. When it does, it’ll be a really beautiful memory.

Every Friday

2008-04-09T22:27:00.000+08:00

Friday, 04/04/08

Seeing the blog archive on the right that showed me how much progress I’ve made in this year really tells how busy I am lately.

Busy… what am I busy about?? I ask myself that if I’m really that busy. Am I busy with college matters and affairs??

Very fortunate enough that my college exams just ended today, so prior to that, I have a week’s holiday. Thus, I guess I’ll be catching up with many new blog posts to cover up for the lack of new posts.

Well, there are some definitions that I see differently. One of it is school. School for me, is different from college. School for me is my alma mater, SMK Damansara Jaya while college is a place where I have the greatest dislike to be at.

I dislike college so much that I really dread going back there every weekday for classes. I really, really have the fullest dislike for college and college life. All the matters that have got to do with college haven’t got anything to do with my life at all (and neither do I want anything to do with it). And because of that, college affairs strictly stay in there and I don’t talk about it as soon I step out of the college compound.

But because of the workload that college has been burdening me, and the most absurd time schedule that is set permanently that forces prepare for college at 7.00am and only arrive back home at 6.20pm, it practically takes my whole day off, not even leaving at least half-a-day for myself. Because of this, I pushed all my lessons and burden it on Mondays to Thursdays so that I could free Friday and only having a single 2-hour class which starts at 8.30am and ends at 10.30am.

Friday… Fridays are my day. Because of this, there’s no way on earth I’m going to allow anything or anyone to spoil my Fridays. When still schooling, everything beautiful usually happened on Fridays. The best thing ever is on that Friday the previous year where I first met her… and spent all the consequent Fridays trying to be beside her.

Fridays to me has become… sort of a really sacred day for me. And in this year, starting not too long ago, I plan well for every Friday, to return to school.

It has been a few Fridays since that I’ve continuously return to school. However, to avoid seeing her, I could only enter school at 2.30pm, or risk seeing each other and I’ll be crying in front of her, out of remembrance of memories and missing her so badly. I also don’t want to see her from afar, also for the same reason.

Last Friday, I met Freda in school. Well, I don’t quite recall that if I’ve written about Freda before, but she’s my friend and I trust her (as you know, I do not consider many people friends and only trust very few people). She’s a Form 2, same as Voon Pang. She’s the person who tells me about the latest happenings in school and most importantly,

Reading all my previous blog entries, you would have now known that I really see relationships importantly and it’s something very close to my heart. In my eyes, I only see 3 different types of people, namely the person who I love, my friends and people who have got nothing to do with me whatsoever.

The person who I love… she’s the only person. She’s the person who I will do anything for and sacrifice anything for her happiness. She’s also someone so special to me who I’ve made a promise that will live till eternity. And if I have to go, it is only my physical body will be left behind to decay. However, my spirit and consciousness will always be beside her, protecting her forever.

And friends, I have only a few friends. My friends are the people who I share my experiences with and care for. I’m not being snobbish or think highly of myself to have these mental classifications of different people. However, the reason why I see people differently is because of my trusting personality. I only will consider someone as my friend if that person shares a very similar or common personality as I do. My friends are also the people who I share my feelings and secrets with.

Well, the other people, such as people in my college, I consider them nothing at all. They have no position in my heart. They’re nobody to me. Although I do talk to them, but I still do not consider them anybody to me.

I may sound cruel and mean. However, for me, calling people friends and caring for them is different from what other people call friends just because they talk to them. After all, having only a few people who you regard as friends and care for them is much better and more important than having many people who you regard as friends but don’t really care for them.

Finally, the people who I trust means people who I can trust completely with everything in the world. This is the reason why I don’t trust many people. If I can anyhow trust a person, it would be dangerous for me, because it would mean that I entrust them whole-heartedly just about anything and everything. To gain my trust is the most difficult of all because once I begin trusting a person; there is where I make promises. And promises to me, matters everything to me. Even at times, I myself daren’t promise myself of some things; because I’m afraid I cannot live up to it.

All these relationships seem pretty complicated. But this is the fundamental base of my thoughts and I hold very tightly to it. Because of this way of thinking, it strengthens my loyalty towards my friends and person who I love. This way of thought also taught me what loyalty all is about.

And going back to the story about Freda, she was the person who helped me bought 2 Balau (Madelene’s class) and 2 Batai’s (her class) class pictures and insisting hard that I not pay her the RM12 back that photos costed. This is not the only thing that I owe her… in the past, she’s helped me in many ways… such as helping me pass those gifts to her and Madelene. Like all my other friends who have helped me… I owe them so much that I could never repay them in any way possible…

Going back to school today, the mood of the sky was already gloomy. I really love these skies; it’s just so soothing to look at. Every Friday, not only this Friday, when I return to school, the skies would be the type of which I love most. The evenings will glow a orangey-blue, the golden-yellow rays of the sun falling onto my skin, and the cool breezes of the wind blowing that makes my hair fly…

It’s not only the memories of last year that conjured in my mind, but it’s also the memories of my first two years in this school that floated around me, surrounding me in an aura of comfort that is cannot be put into words. I inhaled the air… and it was the same smell that I inhaled years ago. The memories that I have is just so deep.

Now that I see the Form One’s wearing that yellow name tag, I feel so reluctant to let my yellow name tag go. How can this be?? It is me who has been wearing that yellow name tag for the past five years and had so many memories having it sewn on the left chest of my school uniform. How cruel is it to just allow these new first years to just put it on and them not knowing what sentimental value lies in it?? It is unfair for me. I really dislike it. I know it sounds silly, and although I know in reality that it should be like this, for the seniors to pass down their colour of their name tags to the juniors. But if you think of it emotionally, you really want those first years to wear different colour name tags… any colour except that yellow…

I must apologise once more. Actually, this post, like every other previous posts, had something to be written about. However, because I have delayed writing it (started writing on Friday 4^th and only completing on the morning of Wednesday 9^th); I have forgotten what I actually wanted to say in this post. Thus, reading this post, you’ll find it leading to nowhere. I really shouldn’t be leaving posts dangling half-way like this and instead finish it in one go… sorry. Don’t worry, I’ll be coming up with a new post soon.

SPM 2007 Results Day

2008-03-24T00:40:00.004+08:00

Wednesday, 12/03/08

About a little more than a week ago, the newspapers announced that the release of the SPM results will be on this day. I got a little nervous to have read that, wondering what I would achieve for what I have been struggling for the past two years. However, it was only merely minutes before I regained back my normal self, thinking what is past, is past. What the results will be really isn’t anything important, since its history anyways.

The days got nearer to the results day. Even that I was aware of this, however, I still felt as if it’s just going to be another day.

It was only then when it was yesterday, when I woke up from bed and remembering that the results day is going to be on the next day, then only I started to panic. My hands trembled and became sweaty. I wondered why before this I wasn’t all this nervous about my results, but only have to be shaking now to know the release date is only a day away.

Today, I woke up at 9.30am. Regaining my consciousness right after I woke up, I realised that I had to get myself prepared and done and reach school in a mere 30 minutes. To top it off all the rush, I felt horribly nervous. My heartbeat increased tenfolds. Realising that Dad went to work already and must have forgotten it’s my results day, I had to rethink a way to get to school, which most likely is going to be walking, which will take me an average of 15 minutes.

9.52am!! That was the time after I’m all set and ready for getting to school. That leaves me a miserably 8 minutes left before the release of results. This was the time when I got really scared. In fact, I became so scared that my hands became cold, numb and started shivering. This is because, finally, the reality that I have been fearing the most all this while, emerged in my mind…

I thought of Voon Pang. I thought of her friends.

I remember the time when Voon Pang and I first got to know each other, we introduced each other our respective classes. When I got to know she was in 1 Jati, I became very surprised, because the afternoon session that occupies my 5 Angsana class is actually 1 Jati. When she got to know that I’m from 5 Angsana, she too became surprised, and praised me saying that I’m smart.

When I was introduced to Voon Pang’s friends for the first time, naturally, I was being asked of which class I’m from. When they too got to know my class, they exclaimed “Wow, so smart!!” in unison. The person that reminded me the most of this incident that happened to me is Elaine, Voon Pang’s good friend.

I have been praised that I’m ‘smart’ since the first time I was being called out by the teacher who’s calling out everyone’s names into their new classes in the first week of Form 4, in the School Hall. I was shocked and utterly dumbfounded to hear my name being called out to be sorted into 4 Angsana. I very well know my academic standards and thought it must have been the teachers’ mistake to sort me into that class, or, me hearing wrongly that my name was being called out.

After a few confirmations that proved that I’m really supposed to be in 4 Angsana, many of my friends from my previous class, 3 Meranti, who all walked passed me congratulated me of my achievement, but I shrugged it off and gave excuses to explain to them that I really shouldn’t be in there and don’t know why I’m in there anyways.

I didn’t get used to be praised that I’m ‘smart’ when people ask me of my class. In fact, when people asked me, I avoided replying them and attempted to switch the topic, but being much unaccomplished in escaping, I always had to give in. I took a whole year before I wasn’t ashamed anymore of being in Angsana, and finally got used to it of being in the top class in school (by name, not by standards).

Now, the people who knows me knows I’m from 5 Angsana, the class that is being looked-up upon as being the school’s geniuses and the best-academically-performing students in this school. Now all of them have that typical impression that we should really be the cream of the cream in school, and expecting to see extraordinary achievements, maybe even unrealistic expectations such as getting 20 distinctions but only sitting for 10 subjects. But that… that’s nothing. Their expectations aren’t what I’m worried about. I’m only concerned about one very thing… the only thing that scared me since a very long time, but only showed up today.

My worst fear is… Voon Pang and her friends knows that I’m from 5 Angsana and have once exclaimed, “Wow, so smart!!” and that means that I cannot disappoint them in my SPM results. All these while that they thought I was smart because I’m in Angsana, and what if my results emerged without getting good grades, what would they think of me??

I was so afraid that if my results weren’t good, Voon Pang’s friends, and especially, especially, Voon Pang herself would be surprised and she’ll look down on me. Then, she’ll lose all the respect and confidence she has for me. This is what I was afraid of. I was so afraid that it almost killed me.

I cannot afford, I really, really cannot afford to get bad or unsatisfactory results because I’m extremely scared when Voon Pang finds out, she’ll look down on me. After all, all this while, she thinks that I’m smart because I’m from Angsana.

I walked out of the house with haste, as if I didn’t make any difference from running. My heart was beating so hard against my chest, as if struggling to break free from my ribs. My mind was very disturbed; I kept focusing on my results and Voon Pang. “You really cannot get bad results, if not Voon Pang will look down at you…” I kept repeating to myself. I prayed so hard while walking, forehead creased, begged for anything for decent results to appear in my results slip… all this because of Voon Pang…

A brainwave occurred to me – I shall cut short my time by taking a taxi to school. I waited for probably about ten minutes before getting a taxi for myself. In the taxi, I couldn’t keep still. My mind… it was wild. Of all thoughts and feelings that pierced me at that moment, the one that burnt most painfully was the thought of Voon Pang. Now alone, I’m already so afraid to face her, what if I don’t get good results and surely that would have made me fear us seeing each other even more.

Upon reaching school, I can already sense the tension building up in the surrounding. The air… it seemed to have that invisible mental-pressure-inflicting effect upon me. There were a couple of people standing outside the school compound and I assumed that since the time was already about 10.15am, the results surely must have been out not too long ago. I locked my jaw, swallowed, creased my forehead and walked in to face what has got to come. Fear built inside me, steadily increasing faster every moment. My heart was beating so fast that I could even hear it.

It seems like I know it by heart, that all official events are held in the School Hall. Without doubt even when I first stepped into the school, I already was heading to the School Hall. I really wanted to slow down my walking pace because I daren’t even want to know about my results. However, all these feelings inside me are causing me to work and move automatically, practically having a bad mind-block.

Upon reaching near the School Hall, I was surprised of why isn’t most doors of the Hall aren’t opened and the Hall seemed… somewhat quiet. The situation looked fishier to see that not many people were around here. I thought it must have been some mistake; maybe the results are not being given out here. But… my watch already shows that it’s many minutes past ten, how could this be? Looking inside the Hall, I spotted my friend, got even more nervous before, and was gapping at the question, “Ehh? Ehhhhhh… Whe.. But I thought… Our results leh? Where? Finish already? Oh my gawd!! Why the Hall so quiet one?!”

Then only I got to know that the results are not released yet. I heaved a heavy sigh. I felt like falling onto the floor. My head was so heavy with thoughts that I could have fainted and have a concussion like how Voon Pang did during her St. John’s march.

Moments later, after greeting some old schoolmates, I felt much better. Although I still clasped my hands together very often and hope that I don’t get bad results, but at least I wasn’t feeling all that anxiety and anxiousness like just now.

All the while, she was in my mind. She was the person who lived inside me, keeping my heart beating till this very day. Suddenly a very wild thought came into me – I’ll creep upstairs if the doors to classes upstairs are open. This is my chance, and it seems to be the only chance that I could ever have to see her class – it’s either now, or never. I really want to see her class. I want to know the place that she’ll be spending a whole year studying in. I want to be in the place that she’s always in during her schooling hours.

I jumped to my feet, ran towards the opened gates leading to the classes upstairs. I hid behind the walls to avoid being seen, because I reckon that students aren’t allowed upstairs during non-schooling hours/days. I felt that it was great fun, hiding here and there to avoid being seen and crouching and running at the same time. It has really been a long time since I’ve done these silly ‘spying’ actions with my friends during schooling days.

I remember that my friends, who keep me informed about the happenings of her, told me that her class was on the third floor. So there I was, creeping all my way up to the third floor. I got really excited because I knew that this was my only chance and I’ve made use of it to look inside her class, knowing that I wouldn’t regret it later. I scanned the class names stuck on top of the doors of the classes, searching the class that I have long wanted to enter, with my heart hitting madly excited against my chest. And there, I found it finally – 2 Batai. I went inside through the back entrance, since the front entrance was somehow tied to close the doors with a thick white string.

Entering inside the class, I pictured the class filled full of students, and one of the students sitting on the chair is Voon Pang herself. I inhaled, and closed my eyes. Finally, after so long, here I’m standing in her class. I walked over the class bulletin board, eyes scanning wildly for everything about her. She does her class duties on Monday and I got to know where she sits during the exams…

Ahh… how much I miss her.

After that, my friend alerted me that the SPM results are released. By then, the time was already about 11.15am. I shrugged, refusing to collect my results slip so early at this time and at the same time, refusing to leave this class. I began to feel all those nervousness that I felt about an hour ago. I’m not afraid of anything else, except for her impression towards me.

Re-entering the School Hall once again, it gets even more strenuous to see that many are looking on their results slips seeming to not believe their results obtained. Some seemed to have big grins worn on their face while there were also a minority of them having sombre looks. I suppose it’s pretty easy to see from their expressions of whether if their grades have met their expectations.

Minutes flew past, but I still refused to collect my result slip. I tagged along with my friend to collect his results slip instead. I was probably more excited than he was, certainly more nervous. He signed a paper, indicating that he’d collected his results before his former form teacher handed him his results. Since he was juggling a few stuffs only with two hands, I gladly took his results slip and examined it. I was surprised, pretty surprised to see him getting 5A’s out of 10. I congratulated him and felt happy for him. Then, I hear many others getting around four, five and six A’s and this was when I started to panic again. My mind reminded myself, you really, really cannot get five or six A’s… remember about Voon Pang…

I delayed time even further. I walked out of the Hall, only to see my friends and they, too, ask me of my achievement. The time, of which I didn’t notice precisely, was probably about 11.30am or so and I was still lingering around my friend, him still pestering me to go get my results.

I told myself, well, it’s a sooner or later thing and you’ve still got to get it. Finally, I braved myself, stood straight and walked into the Hall once again, as if mentally preparing for a death sentence. I walked up to the first table situated at the very front of the Hall of which a table with a paper printed “5 Angsana” in bold black was stuck and dangling on the edge of the table. I had expected that 5 Angsana’s SPM results collection table would be situated here because of the class’ ranking.

My friend, Hui Leng, who was already standing in front of the table, spotted me as I approached nearer to the table. She seems to look over-excited to see me whereas I was too nervous to even greet at her. She hurried up to me and ask me of my results and when I told her I hadn’t collected it yet, immediately, she went behind me and pushed me in front, nearer to the table. My heart could have exploded any moment, with her pushing me from behind made me feel as if, this is really going to be me dying any second from that moment.

“Name?” the teacher in charge asked.

“Kkean Lee… Lim Keeean Lee.” I gapped, mouth dry.

It was torture seeing her finding my results slip amongst the few of the uncollected result slips. That few seconds seemed like minutes to me. I swallowed. I was feeling high, extremely wild in the mind, thinking hard of Voon Pang, my feelings for her…

The teacher pulled out a white piece of paper, handing it to me. My hand thrust automatically towards it, pulling it into my view and my eyes started working out the alphabets printed on it. My mind was fighting otherwise, refusing to see the grades that would determine her impression on me. My hand was shivering, cold sweat was forming and my eyes just wouldn’t keep still.

“Sign here and here. Have you taken this yet?” the teacher asked, pointing to the school leaving certificate.

“Yeeah, I taken that alreaaddy.” I gapped.

“Take this one here.” The teacher said patiently.

I was still crouching there, signing papers and haven’t yet read the results held in my hands.

“How many A’s you got? If got more than eight, then take this paper and write your name here.” The teacher said to me.

“Err… wait… I haven’t count… lemme count…” I replied nervously.

My friends were sitting on the elevated stage floor, just beside the table and they looked at me, greeted me enthusiastically. I looked at them and said, “Ahh!! I cannot count!! Can you please help me count??”

“Sure!!” my friend replied happily.

So nervous I was until I myself couldn’t make out the grades I’ve gotten. As my friend took her time counting… my heart beat went up even higher. I was panting. My palms were very sweaty and… I just couldn’t describe all those feelings of anticipation, nervousness, horror, scare and anxiousness in me, all jumbled together.

“Oh my gawd…” my friend said slowly, in a tone of disbelief.

“What?? What??” I asked frantically.

What if I don’t get those grades? Voon Pang… I’m soo sorry… In my heart, other than those feelings of anxiousness of getting the SPM results, the other part was also full of love, guilt and missing her very badly. It has been about 5 months since I last saw her. It’s so cruel… so very cruel not having to see someone you have so much feelings for a month, let alone five months.

“Oh my gawd!!” she repeated.

“So how’s it?? How much I got??” I asked impatiently. I’m not too sure if I should be impatient to know about my results or I should actually be asking her to not tell me instead.

Well, I guess I did well last year. That was all the time left that I had to do whatever I could to improve her life, and to make her feel happy. Till this very day, I didn’t regret even once, doing all those things and sacrificing so much for her. Since that moment I realised who I cared for the most; that was the second I realised who my heart is beating for, right up till this very day.

“You got nine A’s.” my friend said in a tone of great surprise and disbelief.

I couldn’t believe what my friend had just said. Who would believe that? Even I myself didn’t believe that.

“Serious?” I confirmed with her.

“Yeah!!” she reassured me.

It must have been a joke. Nine A’s out of ten subjects? That’s even more than I expected!! I felt as if I’m the only person standing there in the Hall. I exhaled an air of relief. Of all things and whatever that happened, I thought of Voon Pang first. After all that I’ve done for her… this surprising SPM results I’ve obtained… Voon Pang, are you here?? My feelings at that moment, right up till this moment that I’m writing this is so indescribable. Perhaps to understand a little more of that feeling, try adding all my experiences of my sacrifices for her and the results that I’ve obtained, then close your eyes, allow it to flow inside you… that is the feeling…

I walked back towards the table to fill in my personal details in a paper entitled ‘9A’s’. (However, my hands were still shivering so badly that my handwriting turned out pretty horribly. In fact, the time when I got to know my results when my friend announced it to me, I actually got more nervous and shook even worst than before.) I suppose the school wants this information so they can prepare the high achievers a ceremony or something. The teacher also gave me a form, about asking that if I am going to attend this ‘Majlis Anugerah Cemerlang’ (High Achievers Ceremony) for those who scored 8A’s and above.

I felt happy that this SPM results collection day isn’t my last official school event because there’s one more coming up, which is the Majlis Anugerah Cemerlang. I pity those who didn’t get 8A’s and above though, because this very day is their last official school event for them in their life.

When I called up Dad, he congratulated me and for the first time, seemed very happy with my academic achievement. Before this, even that I got 95/100 for Science (first-term Science exam in Form 3); he just said that I should not slack off and have got to work harder.

Lingering around school for a while, I spot some people who were wearing tags, and I thought they must be people from the education ministry. Not too long after that, when I was walking out of the Hall and eyes affixed to my results slip, I was shuffled by the teachers to take a photograph with a whole bunch of people outside the Hall. I didn’t know what was happening but followed nevertheless. It was only then I realised the person taking our photographs is someone foreign. I became curious and asked what’s all this is about. Only then I was told that these pictures will be in the New Straits Times (NST) newspapers, I became frantically excited.

Newspapers!! Are you kidding me?? Surely I want to be in the papers!! Never being photogenic at all, I just posed as the photographer instructed all of us to do the same, and we did as we’re told. After some shots, the photographer started becoming wild, such as asking poses whereby the 15A’s top scorer (my ex-classmate for 2 years: Form 4 and 5) to be lifted up into the air. All went well right and dandy and I felt all the anticipation and can’t wait to get hold a copy of tomorrow’s NST papers.

The picture that appeared on the newspapers was cropped, and because of that, only my right hand turned up inside the papers. This picture, however, was obtained from the NST website itself.
Apparently, the caption that accompanied this picture in the website is:
"Top Scorers of SMK Damansara Jaya".

Back home, Dad asked me what I wanted as a reward. I replied, “What I want cannot be bought with money.” Dad then further asked me of what it was, but I declined to go any further.

Love, it can never be bought with material wealth. Now, I am already happy enough. Having got the grades of more than what I’ve expected, this would suffice. In this way, I feel so much better to know that if she finds out about my grades, it wouldn’t leave a bad impression on her. I hope my name would appear in the annual school magazine, Nostalgia, as all (better) scorers’ name will appear in there every year.

Hah, my schooling life in SMK Damansara Jaya. PMR and SPM was all I had in these five years. In the final year, that was the year I met her. She was the person who’ve changed me so much, till I often sit back and tell myself, “Just only a year and you’ve changed so much from before… she really must be someone so special to have changed you so drastically…” Finally, I have landed here with my SPM results. I feel a great sense of achievement, having to have done so many things last year with and for her, and to have gained decent grades in this final exam in secondary school.

Voon Pang, it’s nearing the month of April now. I guess, the Form One’s this year must have received their name tags… and it’s yellow in colour. Hmm… seeing those yellow name tags, would that remind you of me? Would that remind you of me for the next 3 years that you’ll be in this school?? I have been wearing those yellow name tags for the past five years, and there are so many memories etched so very deeply inside it. Now I don’t feel like returning to school anymore. I don’t want to see the Form One’s wearing those yellow name tags. It really hurts me very deeply.

Now that I’m no longer in school, no longer being the class that occupies our class during the morning session, have you noticed that your table and chair isn’t well arranged and cleaned before you come into class?? I’m no longer there… no longer being able to arrange your table and chair… I am so sorry…

Finally I stand here, hands holding my SPM results slip, remembering of my past five years, but most importantly, my last year in this school. Words will never explain how I feel now. I can only explain vaguely of how I feel. My feelings now are very deep, an emotional feeling that makes me want to cry, a departed feeling, feeling of still belonging there, being beside you at all times... so many memories… so much love…