Heart Still Beats
Monday, 23/03/09
It has been some time since I last wrote. It’s just that, there aren’t many things to write about. Even if there is, it would be those little petty things running about, occasionally, unworthy of writing.
I have seen a couple of incidences, whereby my friends would ask about my opinion about their love lives. Humbly, I would often give them my point of view. But it’s saddening to see that they often realise their person of affection does not have feelings for them. And these friends of mine, very often, would just give-up and come to a stop to liking that person.
I would heave a breath of sigh at such a thought. Perhaps it means more experience for them to go through, before they would come to an understanding that they should stop looking for someone who will co-incidentally love them too. In my understanding, love not only extends out to a very pleasant feeling, but also a person’s mental development that he’s able to think critically for himself.
There hasn’t been much thinking as of late. As time goes by with love and feelings, the subconscious becomes more influenced; and I’ve been dreaming of her much more often these days. Perhaps a little comical, but I just wanted to share with you a dream that I dreamt about yesterday…
There was this girl whom I know in real life that appeared in my dream yesterday. After a series of events that I did for her out of concern, as a friend, she then held my hand, out of love. My heart beat hard on my chest, falling into a difficult position, and thinking of a way to tell her that I cannot be in a relationship with her. I then wriggled my hand out of her grasp, and she looked at me with an expression of both surprise and confusion. I then began talking to her by first calling her name. But what I realised was that I kept making a mistake by calling out Voon Pang’s name first, then apologised and corrected myself. Throughout my explanation to that girl, I kept repeating my mistake several times, unintentionally, by calling her Voon Pang, instead of her real name.
As all dreams being dreams, they are most often somewhat eccentrically weird in different ways. However, occasionally, sometimes our dreams remind us of things. And that dream reminded me of how attached I am towards the person I feel most emotionally closest to.
To not speak of things that mean everything to us, doesn’t mean that we no longer see it as something that matters in our life anymore. As much as I’ve not been actively updating this blog lately doesn’t mean that my feelings have been slowing down.
Three months have passed. These three months have been a real boring time. Work has caught me up in the never-ending tangle of mess that made me feel that these three months passed-by too quickly. Ah, I’m wrong to calculate that it has been three months, but rather it’s been a mere days to four months. Too quickly this time has passed without giving me time to even feel aware or notice it. It feels like it wasn’t that long ago that I saw her for the first time that Countdown Day, in the bookstore, looking at some Hallmark merchandise. That the nostalgic sight of her made my heart beat so hard out of surprise, reminding me of how very much I miss her, and the so many more things that only the language of feelings can describe.
