My Pasts

Sunday, 28/06/09

In my past nineteen years of being Kean Lee, of my eyes witnessing so many things before me, I have grown so much, learnt so much, and experienced so many things that have made the personality I, Kean Lee, has today. And it is because of these different things that we experience everyday, it is only natural they make little changes in us as time goes on.

This year alone, with the passing of almost seven months, occurred to me turning points in life that have made me learnt so many new things. And just moments ago, I reflected on the Kean Lee one year ago, and the Kean Lee at this very moment, and saw that the two images are no longer alike. They are now irrelevant, incomparable states of happiness. The personality of me a year ago lives a life that is dependent on my pasts, and I live in my memories that I keep so very close to my heart. But now, I am no longer like that. Now I’m living a life dependable on the present moment, and it seems that my history isn’t anymore for me, a reason to keep living, but rather it now becomes a teacher that guides me whenever I encounter the same problems.

Because of this, today, I have decided to dissolve the attachment that I have for my pasts. It is not that I’m still clinging on to this attachment before today, because in fact, since the very moment that I started to think of Carmille when I return home from college, that was already the beginning where I started to drop my clinging to my pasts. But it is today, that I make myself clear to my very self, that I completely allow the strings holding-on to my pasts to be released.

Although I have always known and been told that I should be living in this present moment rather than the past or the future, it has been hard for me before this, because of the attachment I have for my pasts. But now that I have something on to hold-on to, and it has taken priority over my pasts that I start my reason of living because of this love I have for Carmille, my pasts now become irrelevant in my life. And I’m very, very happy that I love Carmille so very much.

This post probably marks the beginning of a lesser frequency of me blogging because… I’m going to move into my college’s hostel today.

There are many reasons of me moving into hostel. But the two main reasons is because I would want to spend more time with Carmille, because she, too, lives in the hostel, and also that I want to have a greater focus on my academic studies. These two reasons may seem contradicting, but because of my priorities, both of us have devised that studying together will bring us both closer together, and at the same time, helping one another out in our academics.

I know to many, the news of me moving into hostel comes a shocking news. But the part that I, Kean Lee, have got to play is big. There are many considerations, compromises, and sacrifices that I have made to come to this decision. And it has occasionally come to me the selfish thought that I hope she would realise the things that I have done, but I would always remind myself that, that isn’t the point, and it is selfish to even have thought about it, because it should be that as long as she’s happy, that would in turn make me happy. It’s not a matter of hoping that she will realise things or understand, but it matters most that I understand her. In this explanation, it may seem that I am always defending her and neglecting myself, but I hold the belief that love is about tolerance and understanding, and there have been many moments that I haven’t been very understanding or thoughtful towards her feelings, too, that she must have also felt neglected by me, too.

Even to me, occasionally, like the above, my thoughts and thinking can somewhat become very complicated, and trying to iron it out can become a very daunting task. But there is this one thing that we always forget when we face complicated situations like these, that is, as long as both of us love each other with all our heart, we would be able to sail through even the most treacherous trench without a wobble.

I really do love Carmille very, very much.