Of a Heart of Sympathy

Monday, 24/11/08

This story continues from the post that was last written.

That friend of mine gained back my friendship after some chatting online. I thought that perhaps everything before this was just a misunderstanding. Though there was a tinge of feeling that this person is lying to me about the truths, but I shrugged off such idea, because…

…because sometimes, I think I’m too soft-hearted towards the people who I like, and feel close to. I tend to just shrug away the negativity, and even the reality if that person is truly bad. I would just be willing to believe that person is perfect, although deep down myself, I know that person has some flaws. And because of this, I tend to just forgive them even if their reasons are ridiculous, or mere lies; but as long as they show their interest in a continuation of a friendship; I know that I will easily give-in. I know I am weak in this point, but it’s because I do not have many friends.

But this person is my friend, and I believe, my close friend. Close friend – now when I type this, I think it’s not an accurate term to acknowledge that friend; because in reality, I have no close friends. Coming to think of it, I should acknowledge that person just as my good friend. To me, a close friend should be a person who understands me really well, and till date, no one ever has. I guess even if someone were to ever be my close friend, that person would be someone who loves me.

And today, another incident happened. I realised that this friend never quite apologises. Also, this friend isn’t sympathetic towards my feelings. For as such, an instance would be that a misfortune happened to me, but this friend wouldn’t even bother to throw arms of comforting words towards me. Instead, this friend chose just to walk away, to do something that interests him/her more. Moreover, this friend also did not try beating around the bush because he/she just curtly moved away from comforting me, and it was so direct that it seemed utterly rude to do so.

I find it very disheartening and disappointing because, even in my dreams, I would dream about the good things and wishes that actually happens upon this good friend of mine. Very often during my waking hours, I would tend to think of this friend, and wonder how he/she is doing. I believe this is the first time I have felt so much concern over a friend, because before this, the things that only mattered to me were my loved ones. But reality is, this friend tells me I’m considered as one of his/her good friends, but I don’t see it being shown – I don’t see such relationship being shown by this person who thinks of me as his/her “good friend”.

Why after eighteen years of my life that I’ve crossed paths with so many people, have I not found just a friend who could resonance not only with my general personality, but also with my feelings?? Could it be it’s because of my thinking that a couple of my friends tell me that I’m thinking ‘too much’??

Stomach rumbling, and I thought that maybe I could drive to McD to have supper later, but if it wasn’t for what happened that ruined my appetite, I would have been sitting down there, having my regular meal of burgers and fries.
P.S. Yes, it is true that I fear this very good friend of mine would read this, and realise that it’s actually him/herself. If this friend ever does find out, I know it’s a risk of our friendship, or perhaps, a friend who has changed for the better.

Of Feeling Used

Friday, 14/11/08
(This post is different, because there’s no story to elaborate it)

When my friend needed me, that friend pleaded me for my help, and I always gave in. Sometimes, although the situation seemed hard for me to be there to help because I had something else important to do, I would always find a way out, or an excuse to push away that thing I’ve got to do, just so because I can help out that friend.

I thought I was getting closer to that friend, so I would finally have a good friend; a friendship that I can rely on, rather than always relying on the relationship of love. Because I felt that I was getting closer to that friend, I was almost about to take that friend as my very first good friend after many, many years of not having a good friend.

But today, that friend of mine pushed me away just because that friend doesn’t need my help.

I felt really heart-broken. And I realised that I’ve never quite felt heart-broken before other than the reason because of love. I guess this is my first time feeling heart-broken because of a friendship.

I feel sad because I am beginning to think of that friend as a good friend, but I realised that I’m only but a thing, a thing that is only good for using, and when not needed, it is discarded.

When I open-up to the very few people who I will begin to acknowledge as a good friend, naturally, I will become very nice to them. And maybe, I’ve become too kind to this friend until I was taken advantage of.

And I think I’m bad, because I’m debating with myself of whether I should just keep a distance away from this friend for a while, so this friend will realise an emptiness, and feel that he/she has lost something in his/her life. Then, this friend would begin to regret what he/she has done, and would try to make it up to me. But I’m not sure if I should do this, because that friend would only regret if he/she realises that he/she has unintentionally taken me for granted. Also, I’m afraid that I would lose this friend for good.

I really have put in lots of effort, in high hopes that this friend would develop a close friendship with me. But that friend has let me down, like the many others who have also let me down in the past.

Sound of Drops in the Past

Monday, 03/11/08

I was sitting for one of my exams in either Form 1 or 2, I can’t really recall. I’m just very sure that it happened in the afternoon session. Everyone’s table were distanced a little away from each other, having test papers on them, and everyone was working on them. The sky outside was dark and gloomy. The fans creaked whenever a mild gust of wind blew into the class. It then started to rain, very heavily.

I smiled, enjoying the cool winds tickling me. It’s a rare chance to experience such beauty. Ah, now I remember, I was sitting for a BM paper. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew, carrying a mist of rain in it, wetting our papers. The teacher in charge ordered us to cram a little to the left of the classroom, away from the windows on the right of the classroom. The sound of the plastic tables and chairs could be heard screeching of all a sudden, with my classmates scurrying away from the damp wind. Even my test papers were almost blown away if I’d not clamped it instinctively with my arm.

The sound of raindrops hitting the ground at that moment, the atmosphere, the skies, and everything… it’s still so vivid inside my memory. I love everything about it, and really miss it very much.

At 4.55pm now, they’re taking their exams in school, accompanied by the rain that’s pouring heavily outside. At this very moment, they should be enjoying such beauty that they’re experiencing, and in years to come, they would probably reminiscence this memory like I always do when it rains. But I missing so much of these memories… it doesn’t mean that it gives me a chance to experience them again, and that’s why remembering such memories casts a melancholic feeling inside me.