Because I feel lonely…

Sunday, 27/07/08

…of Freda, one of the people most important and significant in my life.

There isn’t anyone I think I can comfortably share my problems with. There isn’t anyone who I can hug and cry on that person’s shoulder. Even the people who I feel closest to; I feel as if they’re drifting away from me. I just feel so lonely.

I have many feelings, but they seem to be getting more complicated as time passes on, and so as to express it in words. That’s why I haven’t been coming up with new posts lately.

But there is one thing very clear inside myself that I can feel. I feel that my heart now is much, much closer to Freda now. I feel a greater need to be closer to her in spite of her not feeling it. Back in those days when we first met, she would be the first one to greet me first when I come online. We were much closer to each other, back then. Our online conversation would flow very normally and she would usually be the one who will be talking the most, and sometimes I feel very sorry that I replied her late, because I was busy doing other stuffs.

But now, it has changed. When both of us are online, she wouldn’t greet me first, anymore. It’s either I had to begin first, or there wouldn’t be any conversation for the day. No, it’s not that our relationship suffered an unfortunate incident, but I guess it’s just that things seem to ‘wear out’, and probably it means that our conversation topics are pretty much exhausted. When I realised this change, I thought that perhaps she was going through some problems and offered to help in her every way I can, but she denied of encountering any difficulties.

During my time of hardships, she would be the one who’s trying to help me out, and trying her very best efforts to console me. Perhaps it was that time I relied on her as the person closer to me to anyone else, because I could always talk to her online when I have feelings to express, and things to tell. It is this companion who I knew that whenever I come online, I would definitely have a person to talk to.

But the change in this behaviour amongst us made me feel as if I’m losing a person most important to me. She doesn’t tell me many things nowadays. I’m beginning to fear that she doesn’t see me as highly as before.

Comparing our relationship before then and now, to me, I feel that our relationship is deteriorating. This beautiful person who I always talked to and relied upon… and gradually became closer to my heart… and now that I feel so lonely, and have no one to hold on to, I try to grasp her hands, but realise that her behaviour towards me… it leaves me a very painful impression that I am really losing her…

My heart is already sore. Every night, there is a moment I will spare looking at their pictures, retrieving the delicate memories when we were once together, and it is those moments every night, my chest sears, and droplets of tears form, streaming down my cheeks through the side if my eyes.

A boy grown to a height, dark-brown haired, facial hair developed. He looks matured and of his age. He smiles when he sees his friends. Friends; does he even have any?? He walks to a place where there is much less people, overlooking the scenery painted by nature, and he closed his eyes. No one knows what and how much he has gone though this period of time. No one sees the amount of suffering behind that smile. His chest hurt so much that he thought he would die from a heart attack one day. After all he has done, he is still nobody: no one knows him. He is as insignificant as a speck of dust rested on an untouched figurine decoration. Although he has people most important to him, but they are merely people who he has the feelings and impression of with the utmost love and respect in his heart, but these people do not even know that such feelings of him exists for them.

He is housed by a physical body, but inside, he is all alone. He is so lonely, tired and exhausted.

It’s about Time

Friday, 17/07/08

I wonder when I can finally put down my pen after writing the last post entitled “The End”. That is just a matter of time, although I don’t know exactly when, but I know that day is out there, somewhere. It’s like I’ve said that I will know that when the time comes, naturally, I will know, and that is the time I will see her. But I’m feeling very tired already.

I have been waiting for that moment for months. It has almost been a year. Situation tightens, matter become more complicated as time passes by. I realise not too long ago that this year’s Taekwondo will come to an end… and it’s only a few weeks away from now. Give it at most…maybe two weeks.

This means I wouldn’t be able to return to school. And I’ve given it some thought about next year – I don’t think I will return anymore. This leaves me in a very difficult position. This means that I won’t get to see her again, till something really special happens. Because of this hard fact, I really need to see her. The chance is still here, and I won’t let it go to waste anymore, like all the previous Taekwondo classes.

In fact, I had tried today to try to see her, but it turned out to be a failure. But today, Freda spent her whole recess chatting with me, so I felt really happy. I asked her where are her friends, Elysia and Amanda who she always hang-out with, and she said they were eating in the canteen. And I was surprised to hear that, because instead of being with them, she chose to rather spend her whole recess with me.

There’s also this guy who I got to know this year, Quan Yi who is also from Taekwondo. He’s one of those people who I really feel like I want to hang-out with because of his personality. He has a girlfriend, whose name I won’t mention. And just today, I asked him who is she, and he had a little laugh, leaned back, and secretly pointed to his right whereby a girl is sitting just next to him. How could I haven’t guess it was her, as they’re sitting together so closely. I laughed to myself, and felt a pity for her – Quan Yi is migrating to Australia next year.

“So she (his girlfriend) must be very sad lah that you’re leaving next year??” I asked him much later when we’re having our warm-up.
“Sad. Cry some more… but didn’t cry in front of me lah.” He laughed.

This is why I like this guy – being so frank yet sarcastic.

Every Friday when I return to school, my mind conjured an idea that I’m being ‘uninvited’ there. The feeling is really unpleasant. The feeling is like questions being asked (in my own mind): “Why do you return to school even after you have graduated?”

When I was still schooling, there were some seniors who constantly return to school (what for, I don’t know). Then I thought to myself: “What’s the purpose of them coming back to school??”

It’s a very silly thought. Maybe it’s just me thinking too much, but maybe some other might have the same thinking as me too. So there’s this feeling of shamefulness when I return to school every Friday. To add insult to injury, there aren’t many friends who I know already, because most of them had either gone back home, or have graduated already. It’s true that I still have a lot of friends in Form 2, but the only time I can see them is only during their recess.

That is the reason that forced me into consideration that I wouldn’t be returning next year, and the years to come. This and everything is driving me crazy. I don’t think I can last any longer and go any further. Although there isn’t any progress at all between me and her, but it seems to build pressure onto me, day by day. And I feel that I’m already very full to the brim, and about to explode.

Walking Down the Memory Lane

Friday 11/07/08

The title of this post is inspired by a friend of mine who I used to mix more often than others in my class during my Form 4 days.

It is 12.05pm now. I wind back my memories to four years ago, when I was still in the days of my Form 2.

The television is turned on in the living hall upstairs with a Korean drama called ‘Lovers In Paris’ being aired. I’m in the toilet gelling my hair, and often keep walking out to the living hall which was just outside the bathroom to watch the drama, while preparing myself for school. Korean dramas usually play from 11am to 12pm on TV2. The school bus will come approximately at 12pm and I will reach school at around 12.40pm. If I reach school early, such as just a little later than 12.30pm, there will be a bunch of morning session students walking out from school. I made an assumption that the morning session ends classes at around 12.30pm on Fridays.

When I reach school at around 12.40pm, I would feel so free because I could roam around the school aimlessly… but yet feeling so lonely at the same time, as there aren’t many people in school at this time because the afternoon class sessions only begin at 2.30pm. I would go upstairs and into every class to take a look at their bulletin boards, walk around the school a couple of times till I got bored of it, and sit down on the pavilion, under the big blue zinc shelter above me. All these would only happen on Fridays, and I always liked Fridays.

Those were my memories during my Form 2 days. It was almost exactly the same memories when I was in Form 1. Now, I bring myself back to the time when I was in Form 4.

I glance at my watch countless times as I wait impatiently for the bell to ring at 12.30pm. I have to stay back every Friday because I have Taekwondo on Fridays at 3.00pm. So, I have two-and-a-half hours to do whatever I want in school. I will have my lunch later in the canteen then take a slow stroll around school. I enjoy looking at my little juniors who are in school at such an early hour and I will be reminded of myself coming to school so early every Fridays, years ago.

Often, I will enter one of the many empty classes (usually in Block C where it overlooks the vast green school field) and take a seat by the window. The school is always very quiet at this time. The whole surrounding makes me feel so peaceful. The screams and yells of both teachers and students, nor can the monstrous feet stampedes of students running can be heard at this hour. The only thing I get to hear is the distant Islamic prayer callers and the roaring engines from the highway that is visible from the place I am sitting… and of course, the calming rustling sound of the leafs makes when a breeze is blown. I am just a class or two away from my former class, Form 1, 2, and 3 Meranti. Memories flood into me, and occasionally, these emotions overwhelm me. I do not know how many of my seniors who are like me, and have been doing this before in the past before my presence here, but I believe I am not the only one.

I thought those were going to be my fate for Fridays. Although I went though it every single Friday in year of 2006, when I was still in Form 4, but I still liked the beauty and peace of Fridays that always made me feel so happy and peaceful after a hectic week in school. I always thought that I had to go through another whole year of Form 5 with my current dry 4 Angsana class. And I had almost no doubt that it would be another dry and rumble of a year with this class of mine. I sighed.

You all know I was then, wrong. Things turned out otherwise. Voon Pang, Madelene, and Freda turned up, along with some other friends too. Instead of the dreading feeling that I want to finish school life, I was rather ecstatic about how fast the time passed and there are so much more that I had to do, yet not having enough time to finish them. I did my very best of my efforts.

I imagine her preparing for school at this time, 11.30pm. I used to start preparing myself for school around this time during my afternoon session schooling days. She would take a bath, then check her schoolbag, and have lunch and it would already be 12.00pm. Then, she would wait for her transport to pick her up and she would reach school around 12.30pm.

*There was a long break when this post was written. Below is the incident that was written after I came back from school, after Taekwondo.*

The time now is 6.45pm. Some 2 kilometres away from the place I’m sitting here, the bell of my school rings. The dragging of chairs when students stand up and the unanimous chantings of students thanking their teachers are heard. The faces of the students lit with a glow as they remembered that it’s Friday and they have two long days of break.

When I entered school, I think I saw Freda, but many people were crowding her, so I didn’t dare to approach her. But that wasn’t really the point, because I don’t think she’s Freda. Then as I was heading towards the School Hall, I think saw Madelene from a distance. My heart told me it was her, but I denied it and turned away instead. I sighed at myself, thinking I should have trusted what my heart told me instead.

I saw Elaine, too. Our eyes met each other. I smiled at her, and her eyes widened. “Kean Lee…” she called out my name in a very sweet tone. “Hai…” I replied, smiling. She seemed happy to see me, somehow after a long time not seeing each other. We stared at each other for a short moment, then I gestured by putting a finger to my lips, signalling to her that I hope she wouldn’t say anything to Voon Pang about my presence here. She said “Okay!!” smiled, and nodded then walked off. But what I’m really surprised is that though we’ve not talked and seen each other for some time, but she stills remembers me. She still remembers my name “Kean Lee…”

Taekwondo practice was as usual but as the grading gets near, the tension builds up. All in all, I thought it wasn’t really a wonderful day for me. Yes, it’s true that I saw Freda, Madelene, and Elaine… but I somehow felt that that wasn’t enough to make me all happy. Maybe I was expecting more than this… expecting something more special to happen. Deep down, I really feel that I want to talk to them. I believe it’s because I didn’t talk to them, that’s why I wasn’t really in a jovial mood.

Taekwondo ended. I walked out of the Hall consoling myself in my head that it’s okay. I went to my bag which was placed on the wooden bench and stood there for a while. I sighed, thinking that there are maybe a few more Fridays that things will turn out better. As I was standing there, a Taekwondo friend talked to me but I wasn’t in the mood for anything other than the people most important to me. After a light conversation, we bid each other goodbye.

The moment that friend walked away, I looked up and saw two girls on the first floor right beside the Girls’ Toilet, looking at me. I took a short moment to recognise who I was seeing. A very nice feeling of a shock went through my head. The girl on the left was Madelene. She smiled and waved at me first, from the first floor. I was utterly surprised in a pleasant way. I waved and smiled at her too. She must have waited for me from the first floor for me to see her, because she seemed to be standing there looking at me, even before I saw her, and she had waved to me first upon our eyes met. However, I don’t know who’s standing next to her, but I know I’ve seen her before.

After waving and smiling at each other happily, I turned my head to another direction (out of awkwardness and shyness) and she walked away to my left and out of sight (I believe she also felt awkward and shy, too). Her friend that was beside her was still standing there looking at me for a moment, then looked to her right to face Madelene that was hidden from my sight, and she seemed to be asking Madelene something. I laughed and enjoyed that scene. As I looked away again once more, they left, probably back to their classes.

A day which I thought would end up pretty disappointingly turned out to be something so special at the end of the day. My mind was constantly celebrating: “Madelene was waiting for you to say Hi!!” Needless to say, I was very happy. I couldn’t believe that she would actually wait there with her friend for my eyes to meet hers.

It’s these little bits and pieces of what life can give me to keep me moving everyday. It’s like love. You need love to keep living. I don’t know when I will be experiencing another nice moment, because things like these comes by so rarely.

On The Bus

Wednesday, 09/0708

Just yesterday, I felt pretty disappointed with a person who I thought that person was worthy enough for me to acknowledge as a friend. It wasn’t a long time that we got to know each other, but I felt that person’s attitude towards me wasn’t worthy for me to look-up to as something who I see as a friend. It’s a pretty complicated story and I don’t wish to mention names, hence this is all that I’ll write. I have decided to not acknowledge that person as my friend, anymore.

I was on the bus yesterday, on my way back home. All the seats were occupied and I didn’t really like so cold looks of strangers all around me. The sky was already dark.

I had to stand for almost the whole journey. I thought of her. If one day we were to board a bus and all the seats were occupied, I would stand next to her. I imagined the scene that a hand of mine was holding tightly to the handle above me, while my other hand wrapped round her waist, holding her close to me. In that scene, she was also hugging me.

It is a scene. It is a feeling of protecting her. I think that I often think too much.

Since when have you talked to your loved one?? Since when have you seen him/her smiled at you??

I feel like watching Autumn In My Heart, all over again. I cried again when I saw this clip:


…And I uploaded this music… I have been searching it for years, but to no avail, I still couldn’t find its title.



Nal tonan koya

The Drying Stories

Monday, 07/07/08

I have once drunk three-quarters of a 750ml bottle of red wine all by myself. I have never celebrated alcohol’s existence. It’s just that, at that moment I felt really, really down. Needless to say, I got very drunk.

July is here. There is a boy standing back, looking at the world go pass by. The months age older and the merciless hands of the clock go in circles, but never stopping for once. Everyone in life carries on with their daily lives, as if it were just like every other day. A tear lost touch from his eyelids and hit on the hard cold ground. He was the only person still back in time, realising that no one or nothing would care any more about him. He’s alone. His stories have ended.

I have been writing mostly on my feelings, and less about experiences for the past seven months. It also simply meant that I didn’t know much about her updates in school. She also have not been coming online often lately. When I close my eyes, many images of us appear before me. Often I mistake myself as really experiencing it, but only when I open my eyes, I realise I had fell asleep.

If she could just once talk to me, laugh, cry, and ask me to do her a favour… I would still feel that I’m protecting her. All I could do now is just to ask her closer friends of latest updates of her, her happiness, and her health. I want to do more than that, but it just seems that the situation is limiting me from doing what I’m supposed to do. I return to school every Friday to feel close to her… to feel that I’m beside her, on the ready to protect her from harm… and I ask myself: Is this really all that I can do??

I’m having a week’s holiday now from my studies. I need to rethink my life, reorganise everything. If I were to think of a change, whether drastic or minor, it would be my first change since I realised my feelings for her last year.

It gets me tired having to be stuck in this feelings for such a long time. I think of those people who have lost their loved ones forever, for they have passed away, and that must have been even worst. But, at least they could cherish the memories of them holding each other’s hands, and hugging each other so tightly. At least they had the memories loving each other.

These are some Jay Chou's musics which I listen to nowadays.