Last School Event – Majlis Anugerah Cemerlang 2008

Saturday, 12/04/08

- A story very close to my heart…-

Looking back at last year, it has been a year that I’ve done so many things. Studying, went into a mild depression, love… and all the efforts poured into her, to ensure that she’s happy… that her route that she has to trot will be smoother.

But finally it was nearing my SPM exam. I wondered, and worried that if I could do well in this exam because almost the whole year alone, all my attention and effort was focused into her. The sense of achieving both things at once is something so immense.

Throughout the exam, the picture of us was just beside me, kept inside my wallet. Whenever I felt tired writing and exhausted, I would place my right hand on my right pocket, and I would tell myself, “It’s for your future.” I would then continue on with the exams. It was her who was accompanying me throughout the whole exam, in my heart, in my wallet, in my mind. I struggled hard, telling myself that I cannot let her down in any way.

Till today, that picture of us together is still inside there, and everytime I open my wallet, there she will be, looking at me with that very beautiful smile.

I looked up the blue sky with the shining rays of the sun beaming at me; I thought about the things I’ve done and the SPM certificate I was holding. I thought I was dreaming. It was such an impossibility to be juggling two really big things at once: efforts towards her, and studying.

But I got through it. The things I’ve done and my academic results. Both of these had been hard on me. The feeling is the feeling of achievement, a feeling so great because I poured all efforts on her and not my studies, but managed to succeed in both.

Only students who got 8A’s and above for SPM are invited to this Majlis Anugerah Cemerlang (MAC) which celebrates the excellent achievement of the students. This is a prize-giving ceremony, and the very last official school event for me.

Today, it’s the last time going up the stage, smiling in front of the camera, receiving a gift and shaking hands with the prize-giver. Throughout these years, I’ve rarely been up on stage for something official. If I would, it would be some class performances or dramas, but never quite for receiving a prize. The last time I’ve been up here was during Majlis Penganugerahan Ko-kurikulum, which was also that very day when we took a picture together that now exist inside my wallet.

I was all dressed up in formal attire – light-blue-striped long-sleeved shirt, long black pants and Dad’s black necktie. I don’t recall when the last time I’ve dressed so smartly before.

I prayed and wished hard that St. John’s wouldn’t have their training today, if not, there’s a big possibility that I’ll see her. I’m still afraid of seeing her. I just couldn’t help it. But I trust that when the time comes, I would know, and I would brave myself to see her in person. Though I might cry in front of her, but at that time, it’s more important to do what I have to.

I was one of the earliest to arrive in school. The Scouts have set up tents and are already camping in the grassy school field. I walked around the school, trying to find a familiar face to distract my feeling of awkwardness that is caused by given stares from many students. It surely must have been my attire that is attracting their attention.

She wasn’t here. St. John’s didn’t have practice today. I thought that it must have really been a miracle that they don’t have practice this week (because they religiously hold practices almost every week). I was really grateful that the school decided to call off all activities (except for the Scouts I think) for this Saturday as there’s an important function going on.

Students started flocking in the School Hall, all handsomely and prettily dressed up in formal attire for this event. There were also many 7 and 8A’s PMR scorers who attended this event, as well as some students who excelled in the co-curricular field; all of them here for their prizes and certificates.

Everything went on as usual with the national anthem being played at the very beginning of the ceremony. I was actually waiting for the school anthem to be played, but unfortunately, only the national anthem was played and the ceremony commenced from there. It has been months since I last sang the school and national anthem. Then, there were those usual boring speeches that caused me to not be able to sit still.

I remember back then, when I was in Form 1, my teacher complained that even after weeks of singing to school’s anthem, we still haven’t quite got the lyrics right. Thus, we had to sing and sing repeatedly until we got the lyrics right. Those were the days… a memory… And now I look at the First Years, I see myself and realised that even though I’m five years older than them, but I’m not any better off than them. I’ve grown physically bigger and taller, but deep down in my heart, I’m still the very same person like every one of them, so naïve, so playful, so many things to be learnt.

I was seated on my designated seat and started admiring the school. Though I was just here yesterday for Taekwondo practice, but it seems… it seems so beautiful. Although it’s already April and I’ve already left school months ago, but it seems that I haven’t quite left school at all. When I return to school, it seems as if that I’ve just returned from a weekend break into another ordinary weekday that is packed with school lessons and surprises.

As my eyes wandered around slowly, I caught sight of Madelene’s sister. My heart skipped a beat. “Oh gosh, that’s Madelene’s sister!!” I exclaimed mentally. My eyes widened. She was just sitting a mere few rows in front of me. It was just only yesterday that Madelene and I are supposed to meet up and I’m to surprise her with those chocolates. But now her sister is in front of my eyes. For the fact that I’ve hardly exchanged even a couple of conversations with Madelene’s sister, and don’t even know her name, thus I didn’t walk over to greet her. I watched her intently from my seat to see that if reassembled Madelene in any way and realised that she’s actually a very decent girl. She didn’t seem to display any signs of being proud and those actions that a ‘fussy’ girl will usually display. She also appears to be alert, attentive (towards the stage performances) and quiet; unlike many girls who are really chatterboxes.

I remember months ago, on a Friday afternoon, when I went around the school in search for Madelene, it was then I saw Allison (if my memory serves me right, it was Allison who I saw) and asked her if she saw Madelene. Co-incidentally, Madelene’s sister was sitting beside Allison. Madelene’s sister then asked me, “Why, you like her ah??” I smiled at her, and replied, “Nope, I just want to tell her something.” She then revealed that she’s actually Madelene’s sister. I didn’t believe her, and was also surprised at the same time. What a beautiful co-incidence it is to ask Allison where’s Madelene, but not knowing that it is Madelene’s sister who is sitting just next to Allison.

“Really??” I asked in astonishment.

“Yeah, you don’t believe??” Madelene’s sister asked.

“Are you joking??” I asked her.

“Do I not look like her??”

“Hmm… no…”

“Why everyone says that I don’t look like my sister one??” she said, pondering.

Madelene is the person most important to me, after Voon Pang. She also is someone who I owe my life to for the reason that because she’s done so many things for me. These are the reasons why I look up on her and trust her with all my heart.

When it was about my turn for the prize-giving; I called my friend’s (Yean Yi) cell phone to help me record a video of me going up the stage, using my cell phone. In my thinking, it didn’t really quite matter that if I’m going to be recorded going up stage for my final ceremony. But on second thoughts, I think that I should keep a memory of it since I had the chance to record it anyway, and after all, it’s my last time going up that stage for an official function.

“Shake hands, take picture, receive prize, shake hands with pengiring” I constantly repeated to myself before I went up stage, hoping that I won’t embarrass myself in front of the crowd of hundreds. (Pengiring is the person accompanying the person who gives out the prize.) It was my turn. I straightened my back, walked (I was walking quite fast, unconsciously, due to the nervousness) towards the prize-giver, shook hands with her and thanked her. I smiled at the camera man, but still not that mentally prepared yet and the flash went off almost instantly. I received the prize which was a trophy with a name and grades achieved, imprinted on a sticker and stuck on the base of the trophy. I then shook hands with the pengiring and thanked her too. It was all done when I walked down the stage with Yean Yi waiting down there for me, my cell phone in her hands, apparently just finished recording the silliness of me on stage.

Among all the people who were in school, the only person who I knew better was only Yean Yi. It was time for her to go back and I accompanied her and walked her out the school, and waited with her for her Mom to fetch her. She jokingly complained that I made her wait for such a long time before she could help me record a video of me going up the stage. I apologised and asked her what I could do for her to make it up for my bad. She said something that I didn’t quite expect, “Do me a favour by going up and talk to her.” I gave it a moment of thought before I replied, “Yeah, I will, but that would take sometime before I do that. When the right time comes, I will…”

It was quite some time after that I’ve received my prize, before the prize-giving came to an end. The national anthem was being played again. I borrowed the booklet (that was given out to parents who attended the ceremony) from my friend. The booklet is a few pages thick, recording the names of high scorers of PMR and SPM, and the planned events of this ceremony. While singing the national anthem, I flipped the book and went finding vigorously for my name. I just know that the names printed here are going to be listed in this year’s Nostalgia (Year Book).

As I flipped the pages, in desperate search of my name, I got more and more nervous. I read and reread the pages, making sure I was in the right page. The national anthem was half-way till its end and I stopped singing abruptly, eyes transfixed on the booklet, but still I couldn’t spot my name in it.

I stopped and looked up the ceiling. I exhaled. I thought to myself that this cannot be it. My name must appear in the Nostalgia. My mind told me, “She must get to see my name”. She really has got to see this. After all my efforts poured into her and I still got decent grades, I really want my name to be printed in the Nostalgia…

I felt really disappointed. I began to feel both great disappointment and sadness. I brought the book up again, flipped the pages once more as if a miracle would turn up. “Look for the letter starting from ‘L’…look for Lim…” I told myself encouragingly once more, hoping against hope that I was wrong that my name isn’t printed in the booklet.

Then, I suddenly realised that there’s another column of names that I’ve missed on the next page. I focused. A rush of excitement and gratitude overwhelmed me. There was my name. Lim Kean Lee. There was my name printed in that section because the previous page must have ran out of space. My heartbeat slowed down. I felt so much relieved and happy to know that I made a mistake and my name must have slipped away when I was frantically going through the pages. There was a feeling of love… contentment and relief to know that it would be printed in the Nostalgia and she would eventually read it.

The whole ceremony ended with a lunch buffet cooked by the school canteen. It was my last official school event, and the last serving of my portion of food that was the school’s symbol of gratitude towards me. The canteen served tables of food, but all of them appeared to be only repeating dishes of nasi briyani, curry chicken and fruits. However, since I didn’t have the appetite, thus I didn’t join in eating with others. “But then…this is the last time the school is going to serve you, are you not even eating for the sake of the last memory??” my mind asked me. I just really didn’t have the appetite, if not I’ll have some even if I’m feeling full, out of making a final memory of my beloved school’s gratitude for me. Instead, I headed for the drinks, which was orange concentrate. Perhaps I’ll drink this to create the last memory instead, substituting for the food.

Having only a few friends during my schooling days, that didn’t change at all even after I left school. Naturally, there wasn’t really anyone who I know or someone who I felt closer to when I was in the canteen, and in addition, since I wanted some quiet time for myself to remember my pasts in this school, I walked out of the canteen. I headed towards the Science Lab and sat on the red ceramic bench just outside the Lab. The bench was cool, so as the wind breeze that blew occasionally. The time then was about 11.40am. It was so beautiful just sitting down there, remembering about the time during my younger years when I was still in this school. Those memories are just so vivid and fresh in my mind and seemed as if it was just a month ago…

It was already about 12pm. I got up and returned to the canteen. The crowd in the canteen had settled down a bit. I went for another round of orange concentrate, telling myself that this is my final cup before I go home after this. As I paced alone slowly in the canteen while everyone else was enjoying their lunch, there I saw Madelene’s sister. This time, I didn’t feel that nervous to approach the sister of the second most important person who matters to me, and so I walked towards her. She was sitting down with her other friends on the canteen bench, plates of lunch rested on another canteen bench and apparently unable to find a table to eat. She looked up at me as I got closer. Looking at her in greater detail, I was wrong to say, when we first chatted, that she doesn’t reassemble Madelene’s looks. In fact, it must have been that I remembered and recognised her in the School Hall just now for the reason that she looks like Madelene.

“You’re… Madelene’s sister, right??” I asked. I knew she was. I remember that memory well when she revealed herself.

She looked at me as she wiped her mouth with a serviette. “Yeah.” She said, looking at me. She looked neither interested nor disinterested in the conversation and I thought that she might have just been just probably shy or feeling awkward of all this sudden person approaching her to talk to her.

I smiled. “I remember you.” I said thoughtfully. She didn’t give a reply, merely looked up at me, then (awkwardly) looked down and continued with her lunch.

There was a moment of silence while I thought what it was important to ask her.

“So how’s Madelene??” I asked.

“She fine.” Her replies are short and curt. I hope she doesn’t misunderstand that I’m going after her.

That reply of hers was followed with another moment of silence.

“Oh yeah…” I exclaimed thoughtfully. “Why sometimes I SMS her she don’t reply one??” I asked her. It seems that it’s supposed to be a question that should go to Madelene instead. However, I thought it was a right question to ask since I remembered that once, Zhi Wen told me that Madelene and her sister shares the common phone.

She gave it a while of thought, and then replied me.

“Sorry??” I begged her pardon. The noise interruption was interfering with what I was hearing.

“Sometimes when she receives a message, it cannot be read.” She repeated.

“Why??”

“I don’t know…” She continued eating.

I didn’t quite know what to ask. After a another short moment of silence, I asked again.

“So what you’re here for?? PMR??” I asked. I was standing there and she was sitting, still eating.

“Yeah…” she replied.

“Seven A’s??”

“Yeah.” She said. “And you?? How many A’s did you get??” she asked.

“Nine A’s” I replied, smiling.

“Congrats.” She congratulated me, and then continued eating.

“Thanks.” I said and smiled at her. I wanted to congratulate her, but didn’t know why I didn’t after all. It must have been the awkward situation.

I stood there, finishing with my orange concentrate drink from the Styrofoam cup. She didn’t seem to have any enthusiasm to continue the conversation, unlike Madelene. And, I think I really shouldn’t be bothering her with her lunch.

I couldn’t think of anything else to ask her and the situation there hung a scent of awkwardness. When I finished my drink, I excused myself. “Hmm… I’ll go first. Bye!!” I said, smiling at her.

“Bye!” she bid me.

Year 2007 – a year that so many things happened. It was a year that I learnt so many beautiful and special things and feelings that I’ve never thought that such things existed before. It was also a year when I realised that I must continue to live on to keep my promise to protect her, forever. Of all the five years I was in school, I’ve never quite achieved anything… until the last year of my school. Though all I have all the memories of these individual five years all in my heart, but the final year was a one that is so exceptional and has etched something so very deep and sentimental in my heart that I can never, ever forget.

Love can be really painful… but it is really beautiful at the same time. To experience and understand that love can be two different, like and unlike feelings at the same time is something so deep and sentimental. This feeling moved my heart so deeply, inexpressible in words, but only can be felt with a very sincere heart.

mmm, are you okay??...

Friday, 11/04/08

Ahh, it’s another Friday. It has been months that I’ve been documenting the happenings in my life. How long more only when the winds will change; that I don’t know.

Just last Sunday, I received an SMS when I was in Ikano MPH bookshop. I flipped open my phone, pressed the button that opened the message and started reading. It was only until I opened that message, by heart skipped a few beats…

It was Madelene.

This was the text conversation that exchanged between us:

Madelene: Yo! long time hadnt hear frm u! so hows things so far? u fine there? busy wif college life huh..vp’s out in 1u nw. sighs..i didnt get 2 go larz. v.v sad wei..

Kean Lee: Hihi!! 1stly, i want apologise tat i didn’t msg u. I’m scared tat… uh… I might disturb u or sth. I reli dislike college!! N i RELI RELI miss all of u!!! How u doing? And, can i tell u sth but pls dun tell vp and her frens? And im in ikano now, very close to 1u…

Madelene: Its ok. bt wads up wif college life? dat stress r? Ya..im fine. lotsa f-ing projects,h/w,blahblah..lolx..u can trust me! 8) btw,im nt feeling dat close 2 vp..

Kean Lee: Frm nw on, I promise to msg u more often ok? I dislike everything abt collge, abt d ppl, d lessons, d time schedule… just everything abt it. Its bcos tat im still very attached to DJ tats y i want to only remain in DJ. Yeah, u’re 1 of d few ppl who i trust with all my heart. Well, d thing i wanna say is, every Friday i still go bak 2 scl, bt i avoid seeing vp and her frens. Scared to see her. Oh, u can tell me if u nid help wif ur hw and projects.

Madelene: Ya sure..bt wait,ware do u go wor? omg! no wonder i get a weird feeling dat u r around! on fri during taekwando! Ok,nw i noe! ;p haha..bt y u scared 2 c vp??

Kean Lee: Omg, u still rmb tat i go for Taekwondo, im so touched till I’m crying happy tears T_T mmm? bt y u have tat weird feeling one? I hide myself inside d scl hall.

Madelene: Lolx..4 sure i rmb! Dats wad buds r 4! c; ok,i get d feeling dat ur there! ur presence! ya noe wad im saying ryt! Haha..wad u do at scl?? i’ll try 2 meet u k!

Kean Lee: Haha!! Of course i knw wat u mean!! I return to scl to go for taekwondo. And I also reli reli miss scl and to feel tat feeling (same feeling as u feel) when im close to u and vp (although i dun dare to see vp). I’m RELI RELI looking forward to see u!! Omg, so excited i can die!!

Madelene: Huh?? u still join taekwondo?! 0.o tot ur done wit it ad! Heh..i’ll try 2 sneak out of class! =B

Kean Lee: Haha, taekwondo black belt got rankings one, and im at d lowest rank, haha, im lousy!! No need to sneak outta class, cos u can see me during ur recess!! ;P

The text conversation ended there just like that, without her replying me in return.

Her message came so abrupt and I really didn’t expect it. The moment when I read her first message… I just couldn’t believe who it was from. I almost cried. I was moved because I thought that it wouldn’t matter to her even if she remembers me or not because after all, I’ve already left school.

Madelene. She’s the person who I owe my life to. She’s the person who helped me look-out for Voon Pang when I wasn’t beside her.

There are uncountable numbers of people who appear in all our lives. Some are people we are close to, some just buddies and others are mere strangers. However, the people who have actually helped us so immensely are the ones who we feel we owe our lives to them.

For me, there are a number of people who I owe everything to. In my heart, the person most important after Voon Pang… is Madelene.

The feeling when I read what she texted to me, “omg! no wonder i get a weird feeling dat u r around!” made me feel so… happy. For me, you really must be always thinking of a person, and that person is very close to your heart and only then, you’ll get to feel a strange tingling feeling when that person is encountering something, or you’re near that person. Madelene’s description of that feeling, that she senses my presence, probably implies that I’m not just another ordinary person in her eyes.

Hearing from someone who is close to your heart, tells you that his/her impression on you isn’t just like every other people, but a more special impression, really is something very nice to know and hear. And I think, maybe Madelene sees me differently, in a good way.

That was the text conversation that happened last Sunday (06/04/08). Saying that she’ll “try 2 sneak out of class!” the coming Friday, this really made me feel very excited. Naturally, I began to believe my thinking that she doesn’t think that she should forget me because, she would even take the risk to sneak out of class, just to see me. After all, who would be so enthusiastic to see someone else who has left school already??

On Wednesday (09/04/08), I went out to 1 Utama alone. I bought a single movie ticket for the movie “Ah Long Pte Ltd”. Perhaps it would seem strange to go out shopping all alone, unaccompanied by friends. However, I needed some time out for myself. I want some freedom away from my thoughts and fresh air to loosen up a bit because all the while, I’ve been thinking a little too much.

Usually when I go out with my family, Mom would always visit shops of her choice, which are almost always clothes and household wares. My other family members don’t split up when Mom’s taking her sweet time browsing the different patterns and colours of clothes (of which all looks the same to me), for the fact that we don’t really have any shops in particular we want to visit.

And since I was alone all by myself this time, I had the freedom to go wherever I want. I went hunting for what I liked most – chocolates. Thus, I went down the lowest floor where I know that there’s a shop selling imported chocolates (there are reasonably priced chocolates there, not only expensive ones). However, my memory of where that shop was located was pretty vague, let alone the name of the shop.

Actually, I already had an intention in mind before I came to 1 Utama, and even before I visited this chocolate shop. Since I was going to be meeting up with Madelene this Friday, I thought it would be really beautiful to bring a gift to surprise her. Being able to make someone smile will actually make me happier than that person who’s smiling.

And so, I went down to the lowest ground, peering into the shops in detail, finding the shop that my mind reminded me that it was here somewhere. As I walked, my heart beat faster and faster. I thought to myself, “Wow… imported chocolates!! Cadbury!! Mmm… don’t get to find that in normal shops.” I was pretty thrilled and excited just imagining myself popping that brown piece of chocolate and it melts wonderfully in my mouth… mmm…

There it was. The name of the shop was “The Cocoa Trees”. “What a weird and cliché name.” I thought to myself. They could have rather called themselves something more grandeur for selling some really nice chocolates not normally sold in other shops.

I looked around the shop and finally chose and bought two 250g bars of Cadbury chocolate. It wasn’t that pricey considering it’s only RM14.90 each, and it’s imported after all.

I fell a little ill the day before Friday. I thought to myself that I will not allow anything to spoil my Fridays. And if I have to, I’ll force myself to go to school even if I’m feeling terrible. I popped some antibiotics, hoping against hope that I’ll get better by the next day, or at least, good enough to go to school the next day.

The next day itself, I woke up pretty early because I couldn’t sleep almost the entire night due to the pain inflicted by the illness. I did some preparing for the afternoon’s trip to school, at the same time feeling pretty horrible. I practically wasn’t really in a shape for anything. I had a headache and my body was feeling a little sore. But I had my mind set for school and I hoped that the dose of antibiotics would, at least, sustain me for this afternoon till evening.

Waiting for those few hours to pass by seemed like months. My eyes kept looking at the clock every few minutes, waiting for time to touch 2.00pm where I can do my last mental preparation before I go to school. As my mind kept reminding me of Madelene, my heart beat faster, wondering what would happen next. I was worried at the same time, worried that if she would forget our meeting up this very day.

I arrived school at around 2.35pm, just minutes after the afternoon school students started their schooling session. I peered into the School Hall and saw that it was filled with chairs, all well prepared for tomorrow’s Majlis Anugerah Cemerlang, which I would be attending. It was good to know that I would be back here in school in less than 24 hours, but sad at the same time knowing that it would be the last school event that I’m involved in.

It must have been the medications that made me felt much better when I was in school. Taekwondo as usual, started at 3.00pm and all those usual routine of warming up and everything. However, my mind wasn’t fully there. I was pretty distracted throughout the whole time, looking front and back, left and right to see if actually Madelene really did sneak out of class to meet up with me. I wondered that if she read my message that I sent her yesterday telling her that she didn’t have to sneak out of class and could have instead meet up with me during her recess, since her recess time coincides with my training time.

Time passed by, minute after minute, still without her appearance. I started to become worried that if she actually had forgotten about out meeting-up. The chocolate that I bought for her yesterday was in my bag. I hoped that the weather wouldn’t melt the surprise that was awaiting her.

The bell went off, indicating the start of recess for the First Formers. It would be about 20 or 30 minutes before her recess. I got pretty excited, not because of Taekwondo this time. I wonder what the second most important person in my life would think of me when she sees me.

There, the bell for the Second Formers recess when off this time. Instead of the nervousness that was overwhelming me just now, now its worry. I sure do feel many different feelings. I worried that she might have thought that she could only see me when she sneaks out of class and that she had forgotten to do that, so she missed the chance of seeing me. I hope she had read that SMS I sent to her and remembers our meeting up.

I pondered of why I’m so cooked up just because I am going to meet her. It’s not as if I’m meeting Voon Pang, so why should I feel the need for all these preparation and feelings. Then I remembered, even that she isn’t Voon Pang, but she’s still someone close to Voon Pang. After all, she’s also someone who I owe so much to, and is also the person most important to me, next to Voon Pang. Perhaps that explained my feelings, I suppose.

It was silly waiting. The time seemed to take ages to pass. The more I waited, the more impatient I got. I started pacing around, heart beating faster than before. Why didn’t she appear yet?? Did she actually forget??

It was the most unfortunate thing of all that the bell went off once again. My heart sank deep down. The Form Two recess ended. Even the encouragement idea that she might meet me up before she returned to class didn’t help my feelings.

“It could have just been that she had forgotten about it.” I said to myself. I was feeling disappointed. After all, she said that she would try to sneak out of class to see me… but in the end… she didn’t turn up.

With that, I returned home, still with that bar of chocolate inside my bag. Hah… I remembered that this incident happened before. Back then, it was a surprise for Voon Pang.

I really think she must have forgotten about it. It’s okay. Sometimes, I myself do forget about things, too. And it’s understandable, considering that heavy amount of workload that is burdening her. That really must have stressed her out. I wonder how’s Voon Pang doing. I feel that I would do anything just to help them out with their work, hoping to lift the heavy workload off their backs.

Maybe I should try it again next week, I hope. I’ll bring the chocolates to surprise her next week, instead. Maybe it’ll work out. When it does, it’ll be a really beautiful memory.

Every Friday

Friday, 04/04/08

Seeing the blog archive on the right that showed me how much progress I’ve made in this year really tells how busy I am lately.

Busy… what am I busy about?? I ask myself that if I’m really that busy. Am I busy with college matters and affairs??

Very fortunate enough that my college exams just ended today, so prior to that, I have a week’s holiday. Thus, I guess I’ll be catching up with many new blog posts to cover up for the lack of new posts.

Well, there are some definitions that I see differently. One of it is school. School for me, is different from college. School for me is my alma mater, SMK Damansara Jaya while college is a place where I have the greatest dislike to be at.

I dislike college so much that I really dread going back there every weekday for classes. I really, really have the fullest dislike for college and college life. All the matters that have got to do with college haven’t got anything to do with my life at all (and neither do I want anything to do with it). And because of that, college affairs strictly stay in there and I don’t talk about it as soon I step out of the college compound.

But because of the workload that college has been burdening me, and the most absurd time schedule that is set permanently that forces prepare for college at 7.00am and only arrive back home at 6.20pm, it practically takes my whole day off, not even leaving at least half-a-day for myself. Because of this, I pushed all my lessons and burden it on Mondays to Thursdays so that I could free Friday and only having a single 2-hour class which starts at 8.30am and ends at 10.30am.

Friday… Fridays are my day. Because of this, there’s no way on earth I’m going to allow anything or anyone to spoil my Fridays. When still schooling, everything beautiful usually happened on Fridays. The best thing ever is on that Friday the previous year where I first met her… and spent all the consequent Fridays trying to be beside her.

Fridays to me has become… sort of a really sacred day for me. And in this year, starting not too long ago, I plan well for every Friday, to return to school.

It has been a few Fridays since that I’ve continuously return to school. However, to avoid seeing her, I could only enter school at 2.30pm, or risk seeing each other and I’ll be crying in front of her, out of remembrance of memories and missing her so badly. I also don’t want to see her from afar, also for the same reason.

Last Friday, I met Freda in school. Well, I don’t quite recall that if I’ve written about Freda before, but she’s my friend and I trust her (as you know, I do not consider many people friends and only trust very few people). She’s a Form 2, same as Voon Pang. She’s the person who tells me about the latest happenings in school and most importantly,

Reading all my previous blog entries, you would have now known that I really see relationships importantly and it’s something very close to my heart. In my eyes, I only see 3 different types of people, namely the person who I love, my friends and people who have got nothing to do with me whatsoever.

The person who I love… she’s the only person. She’s the person who I will do anything for and sacrifice anything for her happiness. She’s also someone so special to me who I’ve made a promise that will live till eternity. And if I have to go, it is only my physical body will be left behind to decay. However, my spirit and consciousness will always be beside her, protecting her forever.

And friends, I have only a few friends. My friends are the people who I share my experiences with and care for. I’m not being snobbish or think highly of myself to have these mental classifications of different people. However, the reason why I see people differently is because of my trusting personality. I only will consider someone as my friend if that person shares a very similar or common personality as I do. My friends are also the people who I share my feelings and secrets with.

Well, the other people, such as people in my college, I consider them nothing at all. They have no position in my heart. They’re nobody to me. Although I do talk to them, but I still do not consider them anybody to me.

I may sound cruel and mean. However, for me, calling people friends and caring for them is different from what other people call friends just because they talk to them. After all, having only a few people who you regard as friends and care for them is much better and more important than having many people who you regard as friends but don’t really care for them.

Finally, the people who I trust means people who I can trust completely with everything in the world. This is the reason why I don’t trust many people. If I can anyhow trust a person, it would be dangerous for me, because it would mean that I entrust them whole-heartedly just about anything and everything. To gain my trust is the most difficult of all because once I begin trusting a person; there is where I make promises. And promises to me, matters everything to me. Even at times, I myself daren’t promise myself of some things; because I’m afraid I cannot live up to it.

All these relationships seem pretty complicated. But this is the fundamental base of my thoughts and I hold very tightly to it. Because of this way of thinking, it strengthens my loyalty towards my friends and person who I love. This way of thought also taught me what loyalty all is about.

And going back to the story about Freda, she was the person who helped me bought 2 Balau (Madelene’s class) and 2 Batai’s (her class) class pictures and insisting hard that I not pay her the RM12 back that photos costed. This is not the only thing that I owe her… in the past, she’s helped me in many ways… such as helping me pass those gifts to her and Madelene. Like all my other friends who have helped me… I owe them so much that I could never repay them in any way possible…

Going back to school today, the mood of the sky was already gloomy. I really love these skies; it’s just so soothing to look at. Every Friday, not only this Friday, when I return to school, the skies would be the type of which I love most. The evenings will glow a orangey-blue, the golden-yellow rays of the sun falling onto my skin, and the cool breezes of the wind blowing that makes my hair fly…

It’s not only the memories of last year that conjured in my mind, but it’s also the memories of my first two years in this school that floated around me, surrounding me in an aura of comfort that is cannot be put into words. I inhaled the air… and it was the same smell that I inhaled years ago. The memories that I have is just so deep.

Now that I see the Form One’s wearing that yellow name tag, I feel so reluctant to let my yellow name tag go. How can this be?? It is me who has been wearing that yellow name tag for the past five years and had so many memories having it sewn on the left chest of my school uniform. How cruel is it to just allow these new first years to just put it on and them not knowing what sentimental value lies in it?? It is unfair for me. I really dislike it. I know it sounds silly, and although I know in reality that it should be like this, for the seniors to pass down their colour of their name tags to the juniors. But if you think of it emotionally, you really want those first years to wear different colour name tags… any colour except that yellow…

I must apologise once more. Actually, this post, like every other previous posts, had something to be written about. However, because I have delayed writing it (started writing on Friday 4^th and only completing on the morning of Wednesday 9^th); I have forgotten what I actually wanted to say in this post. Thus, reading this post, you’ll find it leading to nowhere. I really shouldn’t be leaving posts dangling half-way like this and instead finish it in one go… sorry. Don’t worry, I’ll be coming up with a new post soon.