I asked myself a question - Monday, 14/01/08
I love chocolates very much, so as Voon Pang. But… these days, I only eat chocolate when I’m feeling very down.
I’m eating chocolate with wet eyes now…
It was on last Friday, 11/01/08, I did the last touch-ups of the gifts that I’m going to give to Freda, Madelene… and most importantly, Voon Pang.
In every sealed packet itself, I have wrote a two-letter page for each of them, telling them about these and that, but mostly about the things that came out from my heart. I have kept a copy of what I wrote to the girls and is going to be putting it up here, so that the memory of what I wrote to them will never be lost…
The first letter I wrote was to Freda…
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Dear Freda,
The very first thing I would want to say is thank you. Thank you for everything that you've done, especially passing the stuffs to Voon Pang.
I know that I didn't really get you much stuffs, but, I hope you don't really mind because frankly, this trip to Hong Kong is my first time going there all alone and getting stuffs (gifts) for people all myself. To cut it short, this is quite my first time getting and buying stuffs for friends, and of course, for someone so special to me.
I don't know if I should actually call this a note or a letter, but whatever it is, yours is the first that I'm writing now because I have no idea whatsoever to write for Voon Pang's and Madelene's letter.
Oh, and if you're wondering who's this Madelene, she's actually Voon Pang's close friend (Voon Pang has got numerous close friends; and she once regarded me as one her closest friend but I'm not that sure if I'm still now). Last year, when I'm in the times that I desperately needed help, very co-incidently, Madelene will turn up, and I'll be begging her for help. Thus, Madelene is another person who I look up upon highly as she's someone I owe my life to.
And as for you, Freda, you've helped me so tremendously in things such as helping me to pass her those stuffs (which I'm actually supposed to be doing it myself) and also to tell me things that you know that is happening to her, I also owe my life to you. I really owe my life to the people who've helped me.
The gratitude that I must give to you really is insignificantly insufficient compared to what you've done for me. Just saying thank you is so simple, but as for me, the thank you that I must say to you really is... something that comes from deep down from my heart.
Frankly, I myself am surprised that I could even reach this second page of writing. But really, if it is about Voon Pang, I really could go on for pages. Because of that, I must stop here to not bore you further with my grandmother stores and horrible handwriting.
I hope that the next time I call you up, it wouldn't be another favour that I'll be asking you, but instead, perhaps some good news or invitation such as we should go out together to some place or have lunch or dinner together. I actually feel really bad and guilty that everytime I call you, it'll be me asking for your favour. I'm really sorry.
I hope that you'll enjoy your Form 2 life!!
Also, I hope to see you online real soon!!
Your MOM!!
Kean Lee
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Apparently, Freda calls me Mommy, because she says that the way I speak to her is exactly the way her Mom speaks to her.
The second letter I wrote was to Madelene. In Madelene’s letter, this is where I projected a lot of feelings in writing…
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Dear Madelene,
I wonder if you felt bad that you girls have to part classes this year. To be frank, I really didn't expect such a dreadful thing to happen. All these while, I really hoped so much that you girls will never past classes... but how could I have known that such a thing has happened just in only the second year.
But nevertheless, if I were you, I would count myself lucky because, at the very least, you girls are still in the same school after all. Unlike me, I have already left school but then, my heart, feelings and memories still live so vividly in school. Now... I don't even have the chance to see those buildings, classes, corridors and passageways that I walk through everyday. I no longer have to wear those school uniforms and white shoes everyday, and I really, really miss that. But, for me, the very worst thing is that I no longer have that chance to see Voon Pang everyday.
I must apologise for these gifts arriving to you in such a late time. In fact, I purposely choose a Friday for these gifts to arrive your hands is because it's the school's tradition to not have any spotchecks on Fridays.
As for the stuffs I've got for you, I'm sorry that it isn't much, but I hope you like it.
You know, I really look highly upon you. the favours that you've done for me and everything (that I know that actually I should be doing it myself), I really, really owe you for that. Voon Pang to me, is someone so very special and I regard her importance more important than my life. Because of that, for you looking after her in all times is like... doing a favour so important to me. This is why I say that I really owe you my life. The only thing I hope now, other than her happiness, is that you'll ask for my help whenever you need help. This is the very least gratitude that I can show to you that is insignificantly insufficient as compared to all the things that you've done for me.
It must have been interesting to see this whole little drama going on in between me and her last year. I wonder how Voon Pang's feeling about all these things and frankly, I really wonder what she thinks about this and what she think about me. But coming to think of it, I don't really have to wonder this, wonder that, because what is the most important is that she's happy, don't you think so?
And no, I've not forgotten my promise that I owe you a decent dinner. Perhaps just a dinner will not suffice all the things that you've done for me, but, a promise is a promise (haha!! this is such a cliché statement) and I still have to treat you a good dinner.
Alright then, I really must stop here if not I'll be going on for pages and pages. Frankly, I have not began writing for Voon Pang, and I don't know what to even write. I doubt that my message to her will even touch two pages. Anyways, I really hope (I really, really hope!!) that everything will go well for you. Remember that if you need help in anytime, any place, I'll be more than really happy to help you.
I hope to see you soon!!
From my Deepest Hopes,
Kean Lee.
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When I wrote Madelene’s letter, I felt a lot of sentimental feelings. Madelene in my eyes… is also someone who’s very important in my life. She’s someone so beautiful that I owe so very much and never able to repay her. I just… this girl Madelene… I’m sorry, I’m very speechless about my feelings for her…
The third and last letter I wrote was to the most important person in my life, Voon Pang. In this letter, I almost didn’t know what to say to her and I was merely just writing anything I could possibly think of. Very, very sadly to say, I just couldn’t put my whole feelings of love when I wrote… because my feelings for her is so very deep.
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Dearest Voon Pang,
Just in a mere right days time, you're turning forteen. I do, very vividly, remember that when I first saw you. That day was the first Buddhist Society meeting, do you remember?
How have you been doing? How's 2 Batai? How are you feeling now that you and your friends have parted classes? How are your family doing? How's Krispy Kreme? I do have lots of questions, but I find myself silly for only asking, but never getting a reply. Very often, its only me myself answering those questions and that seemed even sillier. But... if I'm allowed to only ask one question, then I would ask, "Voon Pang, are you happy, do you feel happiness?"
I find myself very unsincere to be passing you stuffs in such a way. I know that I should be giving it to you personally. Worst of all, I feel even worst to be even writing this to you. In fact, I shouldn't be writing, but instead should be talking to you in person. I'm really sorry for all these.
I must also apologise that I have kept you waiting for so long before these gifts arrive your hands. In fact, I purposely waited till Friday before I pass you these things is because the school usually don't conduct spotchecks on Fridays.
How I wish that I could celebrate your birthday with you, but I really must stop dreaming. And in this letter, I would wish you Happy Birthday beforehand. As for your birthday present, I have put it inside the bag of gifts as well. Your birthday present is something very special... Yiruma's From The Yellow Room album. I have searched for this album everywhere for such a long time and finally, I have found it. The reason why I regard it as something so special is because this album has that very, very special track, Kiss The Rain, which is your favourite music piece. It took me some effort in finding this original and genuine album but I know its worth all the effort because this album has got the best piano pieces as compared to his other albums. So, I really hope you do enjoy it very much.
Wow, I'm surprised that I can even write up to the second page just writing things which isn't important. Especially my horrible handwriting, I hope at the very least it's still legible for you.
Anyways, to be frank, I never could have thought that you and your friends would part classes. I had expected for you girls to stay in the same class for a good few years. Deep down my heart, I have always wished that all of you would be together in the same class, doing things together and going through everything together. But since this thing has already happened, it must be really saddening. It'll take some time before you get used to your new class, but if there's one thing I can be sure of, 1 Jati last year and all your CAMEAC friends will still always be better than being in this class now. But don't worry, you girls can still be together during the free time such as the time before school, during recess and probably, if time permits, after school.
Mmm... maybe I should stop here, if not, I'll bore you further. Well, as for me, everytime before and when it rains, I would be reminded of Kiss The Rain. The colours of the evening skies when the reds and blues of the skies mix together; I can spend my whole time there admiring that beauty. As for you, your schooling hours ends at around this time in the evening and the weather is cool, then you really should enjoy the moments around this time, because when you're older, when you recall your memories of Form 1 and 2, it is the evenings that you'll remember about.
Lastly, if you need any help in any way, may you be anywhere and anytime, I'll always be ready to help. Like my promise to you, I'll keep my promise to you forever. After all, the most important thing is your happiness.
Always be happy
Happy Birthday Voon Pang!!
My Trust always,
Kean Lee.
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I started at the completed pages of the letters and thought that what will they think about all this. Most importantly, what will Voon Pang think about this??
After I finished writing the letter and sealed the packages of gifts, I heaved a sigh of relieve – finally, I have completed something that I wanted to do for such a long time. But, the ‘objective’ isn’t exactly reached yet, it’s only over when it reaches the girls’ hands, especially Voon Pang’s hands.
I passed the gifts to my sister to be passed to Freda in school. Then, Freda will help me pass it to Madelene and Voon Pang.
Well, will Madelene or Voon Pang drop me a message to say that they’ve received their gifts?? Will they even thank me??
Frankly, I don’t really mind if they don’t say anything. The thing now is that they get to receive their gifts and they’re happy with it.
However, deep down inside me, I hoped at Madelene will send me an SMS to say that she’s received it. No, it’s not that I want to hear her say ‘thank you’, but I want to ensure that the gifts has reached her hands. And to be sure that if the gifts has reached her hands, then I can also be sure that the gifts also reached Voon Pang’s hands, too.
The reason why I didn’t expect Voon Pang to say anything is because… our current relationship is so complicated that made us shy in front of each other. I no longer know what to say to her anymore – I’m just speechless. But my feelings has got so much to say to her, so much that if I see her now in person, before I could even utter a word, I would cry in front of her.
That Friday was on the eleventh and its Dad’s birthday. My family and I went to Atria shopping mall to celebrate his birthday… but I was feeling very blue. It’s because I remembered about a post that was written in someone else’s blog about something. The story is written here. (Please do read this before proceeding this post of mine, if not, it’s hard to grasp the storyline that I’m about to tell.)
Just imagining the scene when that guy fell and hurt himself, the worried looks on Voon Pang’s expression really pains me. Then I remember in the previous year, on a Friday, I asked Voon Pang if she wanted to go out for lunch with and Gabrina; Voon Pang declined with the reason that her parents forbid her to go out school. Now in that blog of that guy, I read that Voon Pang and her friends went out to KFC in Atria to have lunch.
My heart felt so painful when I recalled that memory and compared it to now – she went out with her friends for lunch. It was Dad’s birthday and we had his birthday dinner in Esquire Kitchen in Atria, but for me to just look across the restaurant I’m dining with my family, I see that KFC that Voon Pang and her friends been there for lunch just a few days ago.
But the most painful part is when I read that that guy hitched a ride in Voon Pang’s Dad’s car. I’m not being conservative, but he’s a boy, and Voon Pang’s a girl… and how could he just hitch a ride in her Dad’s car?? Is his injury that bad that has caused his leg to be fractured?? I might sound very protective towards Voon Pang now, but then… yes, it is true that I have willingly made my promise her that I’ll protect her forever, but then, in this case, it isn’t the issue about protecting her… but it’s something very heartbreaking. Feelings like these can’t be effectively conveyed in words, but are felt with the heart…
Thinking about all of that, my appetite was affected. It was Dad’s 46th birthday but I didn’t speak much during dinner. My appetite was horrible that night because my feeling were affected by my thoughts. I kept putting down the chopsticks and everytime I did that, I almost wanted to say that I had finish eating, despite so much rice left in my bowl. But I couldn’t do that, because it’s Dad’s birthday, and at the very least, I have to put up with all this restraining just for those moments.
In the middle of the dinner, unexpectedly, I received an SMS message.
My heart raced, I drew out my cell phone from my pocket and flipped it immediately.
It was a message from Madelene – I almost cried when I saw that SMS.
“Hiya punk! Tanx lotz 4 d prezzie ya! =D bt u shuden waste ur mny ma! n relax bro,i ll take k of vp 1! shez fine..c’mon! dun nid d din la! hh,so wad u doin nw?”
This was the message from Madelene. She meant to say “Hello! Thanks a lot for the presents. But you shouldn’t waste any of your money. And relax brother, I’ll take care of Voon Pang. She’s fine. Come on! Don’t need to treat me dinner. Haha, so what are you doing now??”
Although it’s not a heart-moving message, but my heart was very moved that at the very least, she messaged me to thank me for the gifts. After finish reading her message, my eyes were very wet.
Before I continued with my dinner, I replied her saying that a promise is a promise and I’ll definitely treat her to a decent dinner.
I picked up my chopsticks and finish the remaining rice left on my bowl while looking down, preventing my family from suspecting anything.
As soon as I finished my dinner, I excused myself and there came another reply from Madelene.
“Bt it b mr fun if lotz of ppl go oso! choose 1 date la,den v all go tgh! n trust me! i now how u fil abt vp. u rily care abt her n itz mr lyk siblingz luv ryt.”
She meant to say, “But it be more fun if lots of people go together! Choose a date, then we can all go together! And trust me, I know how you feel about Voon Pang. You really care about her and its more like siblings love right?”
I replied saying, “But… I’m afraid to see Voon Pang. Madelene, I trust you a lot, and I hope you won’t tell her… my feelings for her is more than siblings love…”
With that reply to her message, she didn’t reply me back. I wonder if I did shock her…
All that happened on that Friday. As for today, something very special happened…
This is what I saw when I opened my Hotmail…
“I seriously think that u are very silly....u dun hav to buy anything for me...juz a note or email to wish me happy birthday is more than i wish for....so u dun have to give me all the gifts but thanks anyway....while opening the gifts and reading the letter made me think wad i hav done in my past life to hav a friend like you....i thought to myself that i must hav done something very good to deserve such a good friend like you....”
It is an email from Voon Pang.
I really could not have thought that she’ll send me an email. My feelings when I saw her mail in my inbox was so mixed. There was a part in me refusing to open it, fearing that it’ll be something unpleasant to my feelings. I just didn’t know what to do. By then, when I began reading that letter typed from this very special person, I wanted to cry so badly… but I was feeling so trapped, so much emotions, but no tears flowed out…
Voon Pang… my heart… I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I feel like disappearing, I don’t feel like living, I feel… so much heartache…
We haven’t been chatting for such a long time… and suddenly you messaged me, thanking me for the stuffs that I’ve given you. How long has it been?? It was last November since I last saw you. I feel like hugging you so tightly and don’t feel like letting you go. I don’t want to leave you… You know, the time I was in Hong Kong, so many thousands of miles away from you, but I felt that my heart was just only next to yours.
When I returned home, then I knew that we’re physically much closer, perhaps less than 5 miles apart. At that moment, I felt so much happiness that I’m finally back home, closer to you again. With that, I didn’t dare to travel far from you. My family wants to go to China during this Chinese New Year, but I didn’t want to follow mainly because I don’t want to experience that awful feeling of being so far apart from you physically.
Am I silly?? This is a question I always question myself. Now that you have said that you seriously think I’m silly, than your statement confirms that I’m really silly. The next question I ask myself if, “Kean Lee, why are you doing all these for her (Voon Pang)??”
I replied myself to my own question, “It’s because you’ve promised her. But really, you see her as someone so special, so very special. But after all, the reason of everything, the reason why you want to protect her, the reason why you do all these for her… is because of your feelings for her.”
Voon Pang, now that you’re in Form 2 already, do you remember the times last year when I told you that you’ll finally be here?? If now that you still join the Buddhist Society in school, do you find it very boring and mundane without me sitting beside you anymore?? Do you remember those times when the society organised games and we went around the school together, side by side, where the games are held??
The new first-formers, in a very few weeks, will be getting their name-tags. It will be yellow in colour. When they put them on, will you be reminded of the fifth-formers last year who wore the yellow name-tags that you’ll see by-then?? Will you be remembered of that Kean Lee who always walked around alone, sat down under those two trees, and… always looked for that girl Voon Pang no matter where he goes??
Do you come to class everyday, but not to see your table and chair neatly arranged?? Do you not get questions from your friends today who will tell you, “Just now Kean Lee asked where you were, you know??” anymore??
I’m not in this school anymore.
In college, I’m introducing myself as Kenny, but not Kean Lee. My parents purposely gave me my name ‘Kean Lee’ because they wanted it to sound like Kenny. However, before college, I addressed myself to others as Kean Lee.
Who is Kenny?? Kenny is someone, a person who is unknown to so many people because he’s new. This Kenny is another person.
Kean Lee, on the other hand, is better known to his old friends. People knows Kean Lee in SMK Damansara Jaya. People in this school calls me by Kean Lee. Kean Lee has got so much memories in that school. Kean Lee… has got someone so special who he loves so very much in that school.
Because of that, Kenny exists only to mask Kean Lee, to appear as a new someone who never had a past. Kenny exists to not let people know about Kean Lee.
I prefer to be called Kean Lee, because I am Kean Lee. I just don’t know who’s this Kenny. I will only introduce myself as Kean Lee to people who I can communicate, or people who I can trust, from now on.
For the people who knows Kenny, those are the people who merely existed in my life for a moment, but later not remembered. As for the people who actually knows Kean Lee, they are the people who has been in the very crucial loving moments in my life. The people who calls me Kean Lee are the only people who I will remember.
Voon Pang calls me Kean Lee.
At the very last, I ask myself, “Kean Lee, so have you made up your mind?? Have you made your decision to remain single?? I won’t ask you to promise yourself, but it’s a feeling from the heart. Do you feel that you no longer have the heart to love someone else??”
I now reply myself, “I will only love one person in my entire life and I don’t think I will ever fall for someone else. After reading that letter, my heart confirmed my feelings and… I have made up my mind.”
Voon Pang, I remember everything. I remember arranging your table and chair, the chocolate, the tissue paper, the little notes and of course, my promise to you.
Voon Pang, Happy Birthday.
Voon Pang, I’ll Protect You, Trust Me, Forever.
-This post is completed writing on Friday, 18/01/08, the eve of Voon Pang’s birthday-
