Kean Lee’s New Year Resolutions 2008

Monday, 31/12/07

It’s 10.05pm now, just an hour and 55 minutes before a new year begins. Now I imagine all of the people, maybe watching television, or having a gathering with their closer people around them, all anticipating for the New Year to begin. By then, they would greet each other ‘Happy New Year!!’ when the short and long hand of the clock touches the twelfth digit.

Every New Year, people begin themselves with new aspirations and resolutions as an aim that they would like to achieve in that new year. I see many of these posts written in people’s blogs and perhaps thought that I should also be thinking of my new resolutions, thus it came about this post, written on a New Year’s Day Eve.

Coming to think of it, I don’t see even a small spark of an idea to make any new resolutions. Now I’m beginning to envy those people with has got lots and lots of new resolutions that sum up to a number of more than ten of them. Hmm… but maybe I have an idea, maybe it’s a prophecy to make, or speculation of my life in year 2008…

Like I was always saying, almost like a prophecy I foresee, I don’t think I will have a life new year. Just that exactly a year ago, I was staying overnight at my friend’s apartment (the same apartment that I stayed over a few weeks ago) with another three of my friends, standing on the balcony and counting down to the New Year 2007. In that moment, my heart was lighter, close to carefree, and didn’t feel so heartbroken to have thought that I would be having a hard time in the coming new year 2007.

You see, no matter how many times I repeat it, it makes no difference, but… I want to constantly remind myself what a beautiful experience it was, and that loving feeling that I went through. When I was standing there in that balcony a year ago, I looked up to the navy dark blue sky, thinking that an SPM year that I will go through will be accompanied with lots of schoolwork drilling. I didn’t know who is this girl called ‘Voon Pang’ yet, at that moment.

Sometimes I just can’t believe that a year has passed. Or maybe… it’s just that I don’t want to believe it. I can only heave a sigh now, accompanied with some tears that will perhaps make me feel better. It just feels so real that time hasn’t moved yet since that time I was standing in the balcony.

Year 2008, what will this boy Kean Lee turn out to be?? Will he be looked upon as someone who has a heart which is chilled so cold by the endless winter… will he not be recognisable by his friends anymore because of his change in personality?? Perhaps this Kean Lee, would probably disappear from the surface of the earth and never return again??

Being here in Hong Kong that is supposed to be a holiday for me, it doesn’t have any impression on me – I just don’t feel like I’m having a holiday. Walking and shopping, I’m only entering shops which sells those cute stuffs and supposedly those stuffs only attract girls’ attention. There is only one thing in my mind when I enter those shops – to get presents and gifts for people… but mostly for Voon Pang. I didn’t realise myself only attracted to these girly stuffs until I began to realise that the gifts that I got for her is piling high. But I know, I can’t blame myself for being attracted only to these stuffs because, I’m just naturally not interested in boyish stuffs such as guns, football, computer games and the alike. I’m naturally more inclined to soothing piano music and Taekwondo.

Now I see the small mountain of stuffs that I bought for many people, I begin to even wonder that if actually I’m in Hong Kong now. I’ve spent hundreds just getting gifts for other people, but I hardly got anything for myself. I only remember getting myself a new mp3 player that has the similar design as my old one, I don’t remember anything else that I got for myself.

It’s 10.50pm now. Hmm… am I going to be typing this till midnight and hear the cheers of the other people here in Hong Kong?? If now I’m in year 2006 going to a new year 2007, then in 3 days time, I would begin Form 5. I would be going back to SMK Damansara Jaya and be the Treasurer of the Buddhist Society. I will sit in that class, with Voon Pang beside me, and both of us chatting away happily without paying attention to the people giving speech in front of the class. Mmm.… I will also be getting her some Ferrero Rocher as a gift… and two packets of tissues for her nose bleed. And… also… I will give her that little piece of paper that has got two rows of Korean words, and the second row says that, “I’ll protect you, trust me, forever.” and with that, I have made my eternal promise to this girl that is standing in front of me.

Here I sit, looking back what I’ve done, my eyes get a little wetter. I feel that every thing, even those little ones that I have made was a right move. If it wasn’t for those of my actions, I wouldn’t have experienced the best year in secondary school, and I wouldn’t have created so many beautiful memories that I have written in this blog. Now, I have gotten to know who is this girl called ‘Voon Pang’. This girl isn’t just another ordinary girl that crosses the path of my life because, this is the girl that has turned me into someone that I have never thought I will be. This beautiful person has taught me so much and gave me so many memories to keep. She is the first, and most likely the last person to have made me willingly make a promise that will last forever. She is also the person who have changed this blog to a whole new genre.

New Year Resolutions for Year 2008?? Do I have new year resolutions… do I even have a single resolution?? Since I know that I will be lifeless, then I shall focus on my studies completely, ignoring what others think of me. The only thing and priority left for me will be my feelings, my feelings for her, and for my family, and also for her close friends. The other things doesn’t matter anymore. Maybe I would meet up with some old secondary schoolmates occasionally to recall our memories, and to give myself a short moment to return back to my memories, so that I breathe again for that period of time when I’m in my memories.

I really don’t have anything left. The next closest and most important thing to me are my memories, my blog, our picture that we both took together and also, the nougat she gave me many months ago. Having to feel contented with life with only having these things left makes me feel free, and trapped at the same time. The feeling of trapped is because of the love feeling that binds me. Well, I supposed that is good enough, isn’t it??

As for all the readers, thank you for reading this. It’s more like I want to thank all of you for allowing me to express my feelings here and it makes me feel much better. Well, I could not tell what will your future be like in the coming year 2008… and it may be better or worst. Whatever situation you may be in, you would always get my wishes that you will lead a happy and joyful life. And here, I wish all of you those very same words others will be saying in a few minutes time, a verry Happy New Year 2008!!

A Very Tough Period – Leaving Your Place of Memories

Thursday, 27/12/07

This is a really challenging period of time for me, as my mind keeps reminding me of past memories up till I was the age of thirteen and back then, I was still a first-former.

I remember myself 4 years ago, a little naïve boy, walking into secondary school and briefed what I should do when I encounter any gangsters in this school. The first time walking into the School Hall… the first time walking into my class, 1 Meranti… the first time entering the canteen to be in awe of the vast choices of foods…

My second year wasn’t as beautiful as my first year, nevertheless, it was also a very beautiful memory. My third year was more fun-filled. I remember my History teacher was very motherly towards my class, my very patient and persevering teacher who taught us Malay, and never to forget my form teacher who teaches us Mathematics, and she’s one sarcastic teacher, in a very funny way.

The fourth year was a transition year for many students as that was the time they had to part classes with many of their close friends. I was one of them. I went into the pure-sciences and my other closer friends went into the sub-sciences. This was hard for me, as I couldn’t adapt with my new class, although I’m being put into the top class by name, but by standards, all the classes are equal. Just the day when I was sorted into the top class, my friends begun to tease me for being in Angsana. I tried to explain to them, but soon got tired explaining to all the people who teased me. But if there’s one thing for sure, I know people will be in awe of me being in Angsana for this year and the next year (which is my fifth year) and it is a nice feeling to be called, “Smart”, “Genius” and those words of praise, although I know I don’t possess any qualities of those.

In my fourth year, I remember very well my first Chemistry lesson

I fell sick today. Just minutes ago, Elaine told me something that made me cried. She said that next year, she would be advancing to 2 Keruing, Madelene to 2 Balau, Voon pang to 2 Batai and Allison to 2 Kempas. At that precise moment when I saw those words, my heart hurt so much that I cried instantly. My feelings hurt so badly that my heart felt as if it was being torn apart physically. I don’t know how to express how I felt at that moment, but whatever it is, the feeling was so bad to have made me cried in agony.

My heart has always been very, very close to Voon Pang’s heart. I believe very much that I felt sick today is because something bad happened to her today; that is her advancing to Batai and not being able to be in the same class with her friends anymore. I believe it’s because my heart is so very close to hers, whatever that happens to her also inflicts upon me, even if we’re so far apart.

The group of CAMEAC which consists of Caroline (Goon May), Angeline (Voon Pang), Madelene, Elaine, Allison and Chan Xin Pei have been together in 1 Jati for a whole year, and finally had to part each other, each going their own ways in different classes. The feeling of parting with your close friends, the friends that you’ve first made in first days of your secondary school life, is such a painful feeling. Although they have different schooling hours with me, but I feel very much that I can see what they have gone through together. Maybe I’m implying my old memories when I was a first-former on their experiences together. But whatever it is, they have struggled hard enough and went through so many obstacles to have finally come to the end of one whole year, and it has to end in this way for them – to part each other.

I have so much attachment for them, even much more immense attachment to Voon Pang that I feel that whatever that happens to Voon Pang and her friends would affect me as much as it affects them. But who am I?? I’m Kean Lee, the boy who is in 5 Angsana. Kean Lee is 4 years older and 4 years more mature than those girls. Who is Kean Lee to have the same feelings, to feel as if he’s a Form 1, to feel as if he’s one of those girls, and to feel so sad just because those girls have to part each other?? Now I ask myself these questions, and the only answer I can give myself would be the very same answer I gave to myself just now, “It’s because my heart is so very close to Voon Pang’s heart. This is why I feel as if I’m actually one of those girls and share Voon Pang and her friends’ feelings.”

“Chu kkae ta… keudae, chu kkae ta…jigeul yaksok tui kunyang nun.” Tae-suhk said to Joon-suh.
(You’re lucky… yes, you’re lucky… at least you have a promise to keep.)

“Chueong gyeong ga??… Keugae eolmana kaugan sshi… toraneun boragada…” Joon-suh replied.
(Do you think so??… You have no idea… how cruel that is…)

That was the excerpt from the Korean soap drama ‘Autumn In My Heart’. Tae-suhk said to Joon-suh that he was lucky to have at least a promise to keep to Eun-suh, his love. However, Joon-suh replied Tae-suhk saying that Tae-suhk didn’t know how painful and cruel how it is to keep a promise that you can never break to a person who you love so very much. These are those few words in this drama that I remember it very well because they are very true, and this is how I feel about my promise to Voon Pang.

There is a lot I want to say and express, but not in words, just in feelings. Being thousands of miles apart from her really makes me feel so worried, so uneasy and so frustrated. However… from this sickness… my feelings showed me that my heart is really very close to hers, even if we may be far apart from each other.

This Blog’s First Year Anniversary

Christmas Day, Tuesday, 25/12/07

Exactly a beautiful year ago, around this timing, I made this blog out of a feeling for refuge; to write the things that I’ve always wanted to talk about, to write about the things I’m interested in and so on.

Now… I am sitting down here and the timing on the computer reads 1:37am. And now I look back on that year and I see so many things have happened. Time really passes so quickly. Has it really been a year?? I have written a total of 159 posts in one year. The things and topics that I write about travels along a route that I have never thought it will be actually moving from one route to another; as in not being still, and always has an interconnection of a storyline in all the stories that I write. My initial intention was only to write about something that I just feel like writing but not too deep regarding with my love, feelings and emotions.

A year ago, Voon Pang hasn’t yet appeared in my life. A year ago, I went back for Mooncake Festival in Puay Chai and I never have thought that a girl in that year would be advancing to SMK Damansara Jaya this year, and will have so many things in common with me, as if she’s just another whole part of me… and never would I have even imagined that she would make so very, very much difference in my life.

Voon Pang and I are both from the same primary school, Puay Chai 1.

Voon Pang and I are both from the same secondary school, SMK Damansara Jaya.

Voon Pang and I are both using the same class, 1 Jati/5 Angsana.

Voon Pang and I both go to the same society, Buddhist Society.

Voon Pang and I both love chocolates.

Voon Pang and I both are crazy about Korean stuffs.

Voon Pang and I both love the same music so very much that we listen to it almost everyday, Kiss The Rain.

Is there any greater co-incidence?? Is there any greater fate that met us both together?? Would there… be anyone who shares so many same interests, thoughts and fate with us??

I went to Lantau Island alone today to visit that Big Buddha that is always being spoken of, but despite me visiting Hong Kong so many times until I can’t count the trips with my fingers, this is my first time visiting this place. The place is high up in the hill (maybe mountain, I’m not too sure) and is densely blanketed by clouds. Hong Kong now currently experiencing winter season, the temperature gets as cold as 15-20 degrees Celsius. However, going up this mountain makes the surroundings even colder and the temperature drops up to 10-11 degrees Celsius. And today while I was up there, my breathing from both my mouth and nose forms steam. I wasn’t wearing enough clothing’s, so I was practically shivering mildly for those good few hours while I was up there and that isn’t really a nice feeling.

Climbed the long flight of stony stairs, I sat down on a grey stone bench and overlooked the scenery. I didn’t really get to witness much of the scenery of the mountains due to the heavy clouds blanketing almost everywhere. But, it was quite breathtaking, although not up to my expectations.

I was physically in Lantau Island, sitting on that bench with the Big Buddha behind me… however, I felt empty. I felt my heart felt even worst than emptiness; it felt so much feelings of missing her. The most I could do was only to imagine her, sitting beside me at that moment, her hair let down and wearing enough clothing’s to keep her warm. I imagined her smiling at me, holding my hands tightly because she feels very cold, and her head rested on my shoulder… and both of us sitting down there on that bench, overlooking the scenery of moving clouds and mountains before us…

Coming back from Lantau Island at around 4pm, I asked myself why am I feeling that as if I didn’t even come to this place. I felt that I had just wasted my time. I don’t remember visiting the areas around the Big Buddha just now – I just don’t remember anything. I exhaled. The only thing I remembered was the beautiful sceneries that I imagined her standing beside me, holding hands together.

People that knows about all these… about these feelings about me, often tell me, “She’s a very lucky girl.” I hear that so often and always tell myself, “So what if this person is telling me that she’s a lucky girl, does that make any difference?? It’s not like that she knows about how much I thought and have done for her.” Always when people tells me that she’s a lucky girl, I wouldn’t know what else to reply them. It’s hard for me to explain, but you’ll understand why I say this if you’ve experienced this yourself.

365 days have passed. What have the people walking pass me been doing all these days?? In just 365 days, it is enough time to change me into someone even more sensitive and sentimental towards love. In just one year, it is enough time for me to write 159 posts.

In just one year, it is enough time for me to make a promise that I will keep it till the day I die.

I have so much to say and at the same time, nothing to say. Feelings, when it gets deep, you can feel two controversial things at the same time. Now I keep telling myself that it’s only one year; just only one year that made all the difference. Just the presence of a girl turned me into someone not Kean Lee anymore.

I always say that you can’t measure one’s feeling of how deep it is. We don’t have a scale or units to measure how deep is one’s love or how much you miss a person. But, you can more or less see and understand how deep are my feelings just by reading all these 159 posts and stories. All I could say is that during these days, I have been going out everyday. However, I can’t recall any memories other than the memories that I keep thinking about her everywhere I go and every breath I take.

Is these feelings very suffering?? To me, this feeling of love is so beautiful, despite me crying and feeling the piercing pain. It is just so beautiful to see her whenever I open my wallet. It is… so very heart-moving to imagine her at my side and just to think of this makes me cry silently.

For all the readers that have finally and successfully followed me throughout this whole year’s journey, thank you very much. I hope that you have learnt what I have learnt and never to repeat the mistakes that I’ve made. 159 posts is quite a number and you know I don’t write short stories, so it has been really a long journey.

Voon Pang, in just 9 days time, you’ll be back in school. By then, a whole new year has begun. I really wonder what will happen. Do you remember the last time we met?? That was an SPM day for me when I sat for my Mathematics paper... and for you, that was your last day of Form One life. Do you remember all those things I've said to you, especially about this time would finally come, that we will be parting each other, that you'll be advancing to Form Two and I will be entering college?? Well, I also wish to turn back time with you, to go back into those days that we first met. But... both of us know that isn't realistically possible. The only way to turn back time is in our memories; we can recall those memories about us both sitting down together in those chairs in the Buddhist Society and chatting with each other. Only by recalling back those memories in our mind, then we can 'turn back' time.

If we have hearts for each other, things will make its way into bringing us back together. By then, we could do things together such as sitting down in those very same places that we used to sit in the Buddhist Society and chat with each other happily. Next year, Voon Pang, if you still would be joining the Buddhist Society, I wouldn't be sitting down beside you anymore. Maybe it would be Li Li or Gabrina by your side, or even maybe someone better than me... but it won't be me anymore. Next year, you won't see Kean Lee, in his yellow nametag, walking around in school with his white schoolshirt and long dark green pants. By then, no one will clean and arrange your table and chair before you arrive into class. Ahh... I feel like crying. I just cannot bear to see these things happen like this just before my eyes. I get hurt deeper and deeper as the days pass further since the last time I met you. In just a few days time, your friends all would be able to see you. Most unfortunately, I'm not one of those friends that will see you when after these few days passes. I really, really miss you very much...

1569.3 Miles Away From You

Thursday, 20/12/07

The time now is… 1.44am. I’m in Sheung Shui, Hong Kong now. The temperature here is 19 degrees Celsius and most of all… the sky… it doesn’t have that mood back home in Malaysia whereby it’s cloudy, cooling and has a glow of love.

So how am I doing here?? Should I say that I’m not doing as well as I’m back there?? Should I ignore the pain and say that I’m fine??… but… is that all those expression of my feelings that important?? I asked myself of how I really feel yesterday and realized… there isn’t any feeling anymore, as if the heart and feelings are dead.

Just seeing her the very last time that day has stopped my breathing, and ended my life. My feelings are now… emotionless.

You know, I have been travelling to places alone these few days using public transport such as trains and buses. Sitting in these vehicles, looking at the people around me, seeming to be going on and flowing with life with ease makes me think of myself. I then creased my head, dropped my head to look down, and then wondered what I am.

“I really miss her really much”

That’s all I thought of. That is all that I can think of. All I could do at that moment was to touch my wallet, close my eyes, and remember about our memories together. I feel so moved by our memories until my eyes get watery.

“It has been more than a month since the last time you saw her.” my subconscious mind told me.

What else can I reply myself with that statement posed by my subconscious mind other than, “Yeah… it’s more than a month already… I really, really miss her.”

Wherever I go, wherever I am, I think of Krispy Kreme. I think of Yiruma’s album ‘From The Yellow Room’. I think of the Winnie The Pooh stickers that I got from China unexpectedly. These are the things that keeps floating in my mind constantly. These are the things that I am going to get, and some I have gotten, for her.

Everything I do is for her. Now that everywhere I go, I think about her. Now it seems like Kean Lee isn’t in Hong Kong, but instead, it’s her that is here. Did I come to Hong Kong for her?? Did I come all the way here all because of her, to get things for her, to miss her so dearly?? If I knew so well that I wouldn’t have a life anymore, why did I agree to my parents idea of sending me here??

Thousands of miles away from her and Madelene really makes me feel… so very worried about them, although they may be alright there… but still… but still… I feel all the responsibility for them, especially for her.

Being so far apart from her really makes me miss her even much more. The only thing I can do is to see our picture in my wallet every night before I go to bed, no matter how sleepy I am. I really, really miss her.

As for now, I hope that she, or any of her friends, could email me or call me, or even text message (SMS) me immediately if anything bad has happened to her during this period of time I am away. I will pay for all the costs incurred and, please, please don’t hide anything from me. I would feel even more painful to know that something bad has happened to her but I am not informed about it.

Well, what could I say?? Sitting down here alone, listening to some piano music’s on my mp3, typing this life documentary, is there anything that I can say?? I am just speechless. I really miss her.

Tomorrow, 14th December, I’ll be Leaving…

Tuesday, 13/12/07

I know I haven’t said about this once in any of my previous posts. Well, it may be shocking, or maybe perhaps not, but whatever it is, there are a few little important things to be done before I go. I’m sorry if this post has come too abruptly. Actually, this decision was made quite some time ago, in the early days of my SPM.

Voon Pang… I don’t know if you know about this; but tomorrow, I’ll be leaving for Hong Kong. It would be almost a month’s trip there and I’ll return on the 2^nd of January next year.

Today is already the 13^th. Isn’t it fast?? Have you been missing your school friends?? Mmm… you know, it is close to a month since we last met each other outside the boy’s toilet… and now, so fast time has already reached the date of 13^th of December. In less than a month’s time, you will be back to school, with your uniform, with your bag, and reunited with your friends. Now I remember your bag… It’s a navy blue bag and one of the zippers is actually spoilt. You always carry your bag on one shoulder, and this is one thing I’ll never forget about you.

Hmm… as for me me?? Well, I’ll be furthering my studies in Sunway University College under the course of Ausmat. It’s a one year course for me to make up my mind of what I really want to be furthering my studies after this course. I am entering college life in less than a month’s time and it’s also starting on the 3^rd of January. I wouldn’t have that chance of wearing that school uniform that you see me wear everyday…

… I wouldn’t be sitting there in my class of 5 Angsana listening and watching my class making so much unnecessary noise. I wouldn’t have the chance anymore to arrange your table and chair, and Madelene’s one too, before I go back home. I wouldn’t be staying back after school on Fridays to attend our Buddhist Society meeting and to sit down there, chatting with you.

Looking back now, I started this blog almost a year ago, with intentions of writing something quite related to these things. But I never knew that I would only be focusing on the stories of my life. Back then, the previous year, when I went back to Puay Chai for Mooncake Fesatival, I still didn’t know who you were. Back then, a year ago when I first started this blog, I still didn’t know who you were.

And now?? Now… one whole great year has passed. Mmm… what should I say?? What would you say?? The events of this year are really so much, especially the things with you. I have done quite a lot of things and I don’t remember myself doing so much in only a year in my whole life. I did not regret even for once for the things that I have done, although some might have been a little annoying or silly and I must apologise for that, but after all, at least I’m assured that you’ll be happy in the end. These beautiful memories that you’ve left me, is there any way I can express the love I feel?? Maybe the stories that I’ve written all these while can speak for themselves. If I were to write any further, I would only be merely repeating lines after lines.

You never know the feeling until you’ve experienced it yourself.

Many people say that college life is really fun, a new environment and all… And then… I look at myself. I ask myself, “Do you have a life?? Will you have a life??” The moment I stepped into secondary school, that was the day I experienced life for the very first time. The years and days before this school, I must have been drifting around, doing nothing. My memories and soul resides in this school. They reside in our class 5 Angsana/1 Jati. They reside in all the places that we’ve been through together. Not being in this place anymore will only mean that… I will no longer be alive, no matter where I go, whether I will be in Hong Kong for these few weeks, or whether I will be studying in a college. Even till now, I don’t even have any impression or feelings of excitement that I’m going to Hong Kong all alone tomorrow. I just feel that my feelings have died.

You would have another four years to go. Four years isn’t a very long time… but it’ll be beautiful. I have tried all that I can to have made your next four years, and for all the years later that you’ll be living, much easier to go along. I wonder what it will be for you, but no matter what, I will always keep to my promise, out of love. I’ll always be watching over you.

Life is for living, she realises -- but it always helps if there's an angel watching over you.

(PS, I Love You – Cecelia Ahern)

Voon Pang, during these few weeks that I’m away, I hope you will be happy wherever you are. I hope that you’ll be fine and contented. Though I may be thousands of miles away from you, but my feelings for you will make me feel that you’re always at my side. Our picture in my wallet, whenever I look at it, I will experience as if we’re together, sitting down in that class that we first met. Then, we will be chatting with each other happily and so carefree, as if time has stopped there, as if time has reversed back into those days.

Be more realistic… fairytales don’t come true… although I want it to…

(Voon Pang, you wrote this in your display name in MSN)

Be more realistic… fairytales don’t come true… I wish I could turn back time…

(You wrote this too, not too long after you wrote the first one above)

All I want to say is that, I will make all your dreams come true. I will turn back time for you. We will both be once, back into those first days that we first met each other…

Voon Pang, the thing I want to tell you here is that, no matter what difficulties you may encounter, whatever it is, I hope that you’ll message me, whether by email or you could call or text message me. While I’m in Hong Kong, I’ll leave my temporary contact number on my display name in my MSN Messenger. If you’re encountering any problems, I promise you, I will rush back from where I am at that time to be with you and help you as much as I can. I have informed Elaine about this and I’m going to message Madelene soon, because I’m always, always very worried about you, no matter how you’re feeling and no matter where you are. Voon Pang, this is the very least I can do for you.

Thank you for turning up in my life. There is so many things I want to thank you for, such as the memories, the nougat, the moment of happiness you gave me when you said that you’ll teach me Kiss The Rain… so many, many things. Thank you for allowing me to live for once. I’m not being pessimistic, but I very well know myself that I wouldn’t be once again, return to my lifeless form next year when I’m in college. I don’t think I’ll be experiencing fun and joy as like what others say. Even if I will, what fun can I get from only one year?? Things like these experiences and memories with you only come once in a lifetime. Every dog has its day and I already had mine. Some others, unfortunately, never even got to experience what I’ve gone through in their entire life and for this, I should count myself lucky enough to have gone through this beautiful experiences that has etched such a wonderful forever-lasting memory in my heart.

I want to continue living because I want to fulfil my wish for you, protecting you forever. I want to ensure that you’re always happy. I guess the purpose that keeps people living is because of love. Without you and your happiness… my heart… will no longer be beating anymore…

The Only Memories Left

Monday, 10/12/07

I am now, still in my friend’s apartment. I’ll be going back tomorrow, on a Tuesday.

You know what?? I am feeling as if I’m having lesser and lesser things to be writing about. Not seeing her means less experiences experienced and my memories with her has stopped from there. And from now on… other than the new phase of life that I’ll be going through in a month’s time… I guess the only thing I will be writing about other than that will be my feelings at different moments.

Other than her picture in my Year Book, the only picture I have of her is our picture that we had together. Because of such a memorable event, effort and mental thoughts that I sowed and I have braved myself to approach her and get a picture together, our picture really means so much to me, so very much in fact… I wouldn’t know what will happen if I lose that photo.

Living in my friend’s apartment, I have always kept my wallet at my side at all times. The only time that I let go my wallet away from my side is when I’m having my shower.

I felt silly… I felt silly that I’m with my wallet all the time when in my friend’s apartment. I thought that I am afraid of just leaving my wallet away from my side is because my friends could just find out about that picture. Though I have quite a sum of money in my wallet, but that isn’t the fact why I am so attached to it.

I gave further thought for my actions and realised the core reason why I am so close to my wallet… It’s not really for the reason that I’m afraid my friends will find out about out picture… but… it’s because that picture is the only thing I have next to our memories together… and because of that, seeing that picture or just merely touching my wallet in my pocket will make my eyes watery and remember so much of our pasts… especially the things that she love. This is the reason why I feel so close to my wallet.

Imagine yourself… having gone through what I’ve been and now, only left with a single thing that has so immense sentimental value. What would you do?? Most importantly… how would your feel??

Seeing my friends now, they are all sitting down watching a Chinese comedy show. Their faces paint smiles and laughs, seemingly that nothing bothers them. Hmm… I wonder if it’s just their outer appearance, or perhaps, maybe deep down inside, they’re also going through bitterly their very own problems. But… if it’s only myself who’s feeling like this… then should I say that I’m luckier than them?? … luckier that I have gone through such beautiful things, in spite of all the pain?? In my opinion, yes, I am way, much, much way luckier than them, and I did not regret even once going through all these.

A Question That I Will Always Be Wondering

Sunday, 9/12/07

I am currently in my friend’s apartment. My friend and I are currently in an outing. This apartment isn’t his home, and it belongs to his father’s company and this is merely another place for him and his family to take time off staying in another place.

Well, I just couldn’t resist my temptation to write another documentation of my life now, so I am now writing this in his laptop and then saving it later into a thumbdrive and upload to my computer later when I reach back home.

This apartment is on the 27^th floor and has a balcony, overlooking a part of KL. Yesterday night, I went out to the balcony alone in the late evening and saw such beautiful scenery – the golden sky blended in with purplish, bluish and reddish glows. I was companied by my mp3 player and was listening to Loveholic’s music’s.

As I was sitting on the balcony floor enjoying the scene of nature performing its colour change, the one thing that ran into my head that I’m still questioning myself now is, “What are you doing now??... Are you okay??...” I am asking her this question mentally, but without an answer. As for the very least I could do, I could only imagine her replying me that she’s doing all well.

Miles away from home, miles away from school, the place where my soul lives, I still feel feelings like this. It’s true that no matter what I may be doing, there wouldn’t be feeling any life in me. But strangely, if I have a choice to choose in between having to forget this and return to my old-self or in stay forever in this situation, I wouldn’t choose the latter. I very much trust that I will be much happier living my life in this way, as I know that I love her and will keep my promise to her forever. In this way, she can be happy… and that will bring happiness to me.

I’m trying hard to control my expression painted on my looks as I don’t want to look as if I’m having some difficulties in my friends’ eyes. It certainly wouldn’t be nice to have an outing with a friend who’s sulking.

Well, I guess that this will be a short post. I don’t really know what I am supposed to say in times like this. I only know how to be looking out the balcony and wish and think about her happiness.

Ah, now I remember a part of a conversation topic online that I had with my new made friend, Yean Yi, who’s apparently in Form 2 and studying in the common school as I am.

Yean Yi: So do you always listen to those songs??

(‘those songs’ meant to be songs that are sad and romantic. Many people only listen to them when they are depressed.)

Kean Lee: Yeah. I only listen to those songs everytime.

Yean Yi: Despite your mood??

(before this excerpt of conversation, she said that she only listen to these type of songs when she’s feeling sad or depressed.)

Kean Lee: Yeah.

Yean Yi: But isn’t listening to these songs make you feel depressed??

I have long realised that I have been always, or more like for the whole time as long as I was breathing since that day my relationship with her has worsened to this stage, I have always been feeling blue. But… it was this little conversation that happened that have realised me much further that I am really drifting further and further away from what I used to be.

his feelings After he lived

Saturday, 01/12/07

My SPM ended 5 days ago, on Monday, 26/11/07. However, I didn’t have the mood to blog because my mind was so full with other stuffs.

It was in these 5 days that I realised something that proved me right. It proved that all my speculation of my feelings before and after my exam… is the same…

That Monday, my final papers were Biology 1, 2 and 3. It was on this day that I had wanted to walk on that grassy school field of mine, spreading out my hands for the final time. I wanted to experience life once more, for the last time before I don’t have the chance to do it anymore.

For my entire life, of all 17 years of living, it is only during these 5 years that I have actually lived and experienced life itself. As for the other 12 years, I doubt that I have been living. And on that Monday, was the last time I experience life. After the exams, we won’t return to school anymore, but only once more that is to take our examination results that will be only next year.

After Biology Paper 2, it was lunch time and I went out alone myself to have lunch. I rushed through my plate of lunch to return to school. As soon as I returned to school, I grabbed my bag and walked towards the school field. However, I didn’t trot on the school field, but rather sat on the cemented steps beside the Basketball Court. I plugged on my MP3 player and listened to some piano pieces and looked over the school field. As I was enjoying the comfort of the music and overlooking the school field, a drop of tear rolled down my cheeks. I imagined the scene for the years to come, where Voon Pang would be spending her time here.

I looked at our picture in my wallet and smiled bitterly, hoping so much that she will always be happy.

Monday was the last day that I wore my school uniform. It was so painful knowing that fact. I still remember the thoughts I had 4 years ago that finally wearing a secondary school uniform made me look smarter. The long dark-green coloured pants was definitely better looking than the short navy blue shorts I wear to school everyday in Puay Chai.

But 4 years ago, I never had the thought that this day would come. I never had thought that today I will be putting on these set of clothes, walking in the school for the last time, passing through the St. John’s and Buddhist Society’s Bulletin Board for the final time.

It was yesterday, Friday, 4 days after my SPM ended, I went out with my sisters to 1 Utama (a shopping mall) to ease my boredom at home. Walking and passing by shops, I began to realise what I had thought before all this was true. Before my exams even started, I knew that after exam, no matter what I will be doing, no matter where I go and no matter where I am, my heart will not be with me. I may be physically doing something or somewhere else, but my heart isn’t there.

I realised that when I was walking past the shops with both of my sisters. I felt empty. I felt as if I’m there, but I’m not there at the same time. I exhaled, closed my eyes, and told myself that I was right about my feelings that would be, that I speculated what it would be even before SPM had begun. I creased my forehead, trying to concentrate where ‘myself’ currently is.

I didn’t need a long time to think before I came to the answer. My heart is in school, where all the memories live. My heart is in the class that we first met… it is in the canteen where I asked her if she wanted to go out with me to Pizza Hut for lunch… it is in the School Hall where we took our picture together.

I wonder why I am physically standing here in a shopping mall while my heart is lost…

There are many pretty girls in the shopping mall, some looking very decent, some others looking very attractive. However, I was totally ‘immune’ to them. It seems that all of them just appear as ‘boys’ to me. They all make no difference.

Of all the girls walking past me, I told myself that I could have fallen for them. But that isn’t the case. But I had fallen for ‘her’ instead.

At that moment, I had made myself a resolution, a vow to be kept until I pass away, that I will never get married to someone else.

But as like everyone says, “Who knows what is of your future?? You can’t just say things like that without knowing what will be of you in the coming time.”

Perhaps I needn’t make a vow, but naturally, I think I wouldn’t even fall for anyone else. Because I wouldn’t fall for anyone else, that would mean I wouldn’t have to get married with anyone else.

Perhaps seeing her happy already makes me feel married to my promise and her happiness. In this way, I am ‘married’ and I will be really contented with my life, without needing or wanting to ask anything more.

It is love that fuels us. It is my memory and love that fuels the beating of my heart. So long as so my heart beats, I will only be beating for a person, and if is not for that person, my heart would have stopped beating and I would have been dead.

This is why I thank her for appearing in my life because these experiences have shown me life and I have breathed at least once.

A Moment of Silenced Bliss

Kean Lee’s feeling on Friday, 23/11/07…

Sometimes, I really don’t know if I should be documenting the date as ‘Saturday, 24/11/07’ because I’m actually writing this now on a Saturday morning at 2.44am.

But, does the date really matter?? To me, I am finding myself… drifting away and away, further from myself. I am becoming more and more lost with time.

I sat for my Moral paper for SPM today. It’s my second last paper for my exam. The last exam will be Biology that will be on this coming Monday.

On that Monday, which is 26/11/07, I will have some time on my own. I will want to walk on the grass of the field in the school, enter the class that we first met, enter the School Hall and sit on that bench that we took our first and last picture together, and finally… walk pass the St. John’s bulletin board for the last time.

SPM days isn’t schooling days, they are exam days. However, though it’s not a schooling day, SPM is held in school and we have to sit for it in school. So… I am again, feeling the blues of missing my secondary school life… and also to be stepping into this school, for the very last time on Monday.

My school, SMK Damansara Jaya, hasn’t changed much physically since the first day I stepped into here. It’s just that hundreds of new faces are seen here every new year, but also, hundreds of faces are seen stepping out of this school every end of the year taking a step nearer to their future. As for the teachers, my school has the very best of it that makes us one of the elite schools in my town.

I will miss the rumour that are spread around like wildfire every now and then in this school. I will miss my school’s heavily disciplined students as compared to other school students. I will miss the teachers who have taught me that always seemed serious, but are always like us, deep inside their hearts.

I did not regret for even once that Dad had sent me into this school in spite of my protests. This school will always remain in my heart.

Months before SPM, I had so many things in mind that I want to do after this exam. I even wrote down the stuffs that I want and have to do and it seems that I have more than 20 things to be done.

However, now it’s just only a subject left to take and after that, I am literally free. Then, now I think of the things that I’m going to be doing after the exams, but it seems that somehow, I don’t have that ‘urge’ or that ‘enthusiasm’ to be doing all those things anymore.

For example, of the stuffs that are included in the list is to go out hanging in shopping malls with some closer friends. But now I think of it, even if I were to be going out with them, I will be physically be there with my friends in the malls, but mentally, I will not be there. It’s like my life and soul has been taken out of me, just leaving the body there.

But worst of all, it’s not only I will feel that I don’t have my life with me when I go outing with my friends, but it’s going to be everything that I do – all the 20 plus stuffs that I will be doing… my heart will not be with me when I do them.

Because of this, my feeling now is that it doesn’t matter if SPM will pass or not. Even if SPM lasts forever or not, I would still have the same feelings – a lifeless feeling.

I have almost totally lost myself. I thought I was strong enough to take all these blows, but it seems that I was wrong. Even strong men falls at times.

I didn’t really need to think about why I am feeling this way but almost instantly realised why I am feeling like this. It must have been the blues of leaving my second home – my secondary school.

For six whole years I have been in my primary school, Puay Chai. For five whole years I have been in my secondary school. Comparing my experience that I have learnt in these two schools, I have only experienced breathing and living as a human in my secondary school life.

“It’s too melancholic. Your writing is good, but it’s too melancholic. Have you always been like this??” my English teacher praised me a compliment for a short essay that I wrote.

That is my last praise I got from school. That is the last thing I realised how much my personality have changed since I entered this school – from a naïve and carefree little boy, to a sentimental and melancholic young adult.

Ah, my eyes are blurry just writing this because the tears keep forming, but they refuse to shed in droplets. I am very happy to have the chance to go through such a beautiful experience. I am also very sad to be leaving everything behind. I am contented with my living years now that I don’t mind that if I will not be waking up forever tomorrow.

Five great years of experience only returned me with a documented year’s experience in my blog. What I have after I leave school will only be hundreds of pages of words. For my last year here that I have put in my greatest effort in all the years of my life, I didn’t even gain anything more in return other than experience and this blog. I didn’t even gain her love. Not even once I have the chance to hug the person who I love the most, not even a single time.

Love really draws out the breath of life in us. There you can see what impact my life has been on me. I would hope with all my heart that no one will ever follow my footsteps because the suffering is indeed painful. But how would you know what will happen in the future?? You would never know, but you will be prepared not to end up like me – someone lost in life.

Appreciate every moment you’re breathing and always be contented. Be contented like me, although many sad things have happened. Time and chances will never always be here for us and you must realise this from the very start of everything, like how I realise from the very start that I only had less than a year’s time to do all I can to shape her life for her future happiness.

Lim Kean Lee’s Confession – His First and perhaps… Final Confession…

SPM day - Wednesday, 14/11/07

Many times, I have said that promises really means a lot to me, especially the promises that I’ve made to the most important people in my life. Because of that, I rarely make promises, because I am afraid that I can’t live up to it. And now, I no longer make promises to anybody, except to the most important people in my life. This is reason why you wouldn’t hear me say the word “promise” when I’m speaking, such as “I’ll promise you to pick you up later.” or “I’ll promise you I’ll complete this project by tomorrow.” and so on.

The promise that I’ve made to Voon Pang that I’ll protect her forever is really a big promise. I’m trying all my efforts to keep my promise because she’s the most important person in my life. The importance of this promise that I’ve made to her can be compared to ten times the importance of my own life. If I would have to sacrifice myself, my dignity, or even my life to keep that promise, then I will have no second thought that I’ll protect her by all means.

People might see me as a pessimist judging by the way I talk about some things. Maybe you will think that I’m a pessimist after finishing reading what I am about to say here. But I can assure you that you will end up taking to very same route that I’m about to take if you’re in my shoes, no matter how strong you are.

His First Confession

I am on the verge of promising myself that I’ll remain single… for life. Now, you would then counter my statement by telling me things such as, “How can you be sure that you’ll never fall in love again??” The only answer that I have is this – You will understand my feelings if you’re exactly in the same position as me.

My feelings now is so numb. I no longer have the ability to feel things anymore. It feels so cold deep down in my heart. It feels as if it’s always squeezing itself. I always feel that there’s a lump in my throat.

I can only describe how strong is my verge of promising myself that by comparing it to the promise that I’ve made to Voon Pang. It is just so strong. Though many might say that I cannot predict my future of whether I will ever fall in love ever again, but my heart is so numb and cold that I can even say that it is as strong as my promise to her.

His Second Confession

My feelings towards Leng and her sister has faded a long time ago. This is because I realised that I was at my peak of my emotions when I fell for them. It was more towards infatuation. When I realised my mistake of my feelings have made, then I awakened up to see that my heart is only alive, actually only beating for someone else.

I don’t usually make mistakes in things that have got to do with love and feelings. I guess the reason why I stepped into the ‘trap’ that made me fell for Leng and her sister was perhaps because they showed much better attitude and character than what I see in other girls nowadays.

But over time, I realised my mistake. I contemplated a little, and I came to the reason that even Leng herself, nor her sister, is someone suitable for me.

Realising all these matures me more. At least I have learned that even Homer sometimes nods. I just have to be more contemplative with my feelings.

His… Last Confession

In all the stories and feelings that I’ve written, I wrote my feelings on the fence. I have never given a clear conclusion about my feelings.

I have done this for a reason. It is because that I myself am not clear of my direction myself. But I am sure that you could draw on your own conclusion about my true feelings on some of the later stories that I’ve written. It is because that only in those later stories that I finally realised what’s my true feelings were. However, I dare not express my feelings directly, but merely hidden it inside the stories that I’ve written because I am afraid that it will stir up more problems.

Reading the above paragraph of explanation might seem very confusing, but if you have been trotting along my experiences with me through the stories that I’ve written, you’ll finally get the answer of the very long anticipated question about my true feelings. Still, I will have to refuse writing in direct language of what I mean, for obvious reasons.

No, I am not playing hide-and-seek in my stories nor it is any puzzle-solving. But you can be quite sure that your guess about my feelings after reading this, will be quite true.

His Story…

Now, after reading this story, you will then understand why I said those words that I said in the above. I choose to confess my feelings first in the above, because it will lead you to the direct answer, after reading this story.

This is going to be the first time that I’m going to say that I’m being stupid. I have written again and again, umpteenth times inside my stories that I’ll never be seeing Voon Pang ever again after that particular day that I wrote that particular story. I am sure of it; I am just dead sure about that I will never see her again when I wrote those stories.

I saw her again today. This is the last day I see her. Funny isn’t it?? I couldn’t even count with my fingers how many times I’ve said that I won’t be seeing her again, but here I am saying that I saw her today.

The point is, today is my third day of my SPM examination, so I didn’t regard it as a day that it will coincide with her schooling day. However, today’s her last schooling day in Form 1. Because it’s a SPM day today, it would seem impossible for us to bump into each other due to the very big gap of schooling hours for us.

Now, I have no more doubt that I not be seeing her anymore because today is already her last schooling day in Form 1. So very fast this little naïve girl has grown up to, from the very first months that I known her, until today that I can see her actions that she wants to make herself look attractive by styling her hair in fashions that I don’t see in those first few days that I knew her.

The previous time that I saw her was when it was our last schooling day that coincided with each other. But today, it’s different, because today isn’t considered a schooling day for me, but it’s a SPM day.

To be frank, I had the thought that I want to close both eyes to this incident that happened today. I didn’t want to document it inside this blog. I didn’t want to remember it. But, after some contemplation, still, I wouldn’t want to forget the very last feelings and experience, so here I am, writing this story of what happened today.

My Maths Paper 2, which was the last paper for the day, ended early at 12.30pm. I went downstairs and put my bag in the canteen. I didn’t scan the canteen for her presence, but instead, after I put my bag into the canteen, then I walked away immediately, avoiding my sight to travel far in front of me, just in case I would see her there.

If you would ask me, “Why would you not want to see her that you walked out of the canteen straight away after putting down your bag?? Don’t you miss her??” I do miss her; in fact, I miss her so much that I will look at our picture inside my wallet many times a day. But the reason why I avoid seeing her is because I am afraid that it stir-up my feelings and distract me. But most of all, what would I have to say to her when we see each other anyway?? Other than being speechless, I think I will also be shedding tears behind her back.

I lingered with my friends who have not gone back home yet far away from the canteen. Although I tried to hold conversations with my friends, however, my mind was in the canteen, thinking whether if she would be present in school today, wondering who she’s chatting with and wishing for her happiness.

It was about 1.00pm already. Peng Hong was standing one-floor upstairs overlooking downstairs where I stood. He was standing outside the female’s toilet, waiting for his friend (also my friend) to finish changing her clothes. We were joking with each other verbally from a distance of one-floor. Yes, sometimes we do silly things like this out of silliness.

The place where I was standing was situated near the canteen, just outside the male’s toilet (the male’s toilet is right below the female’s toilet). Standing there was ‘risky’ because Voon Pang might just walk pass me. My right hand was holding my blue Tupperware bottle and I was flinging it around boringly while joking with Peng Hong one-floor above me.

The time on my watch reads 1.07pm. As I was chatting with Peng Hong and my friend (the girl who was changing her clothes just now), some people walked past me, but I don’t think I looked at them, so actually, I didn’t realise that they were actually the Form 1’s walking pass me.

My heart was pumping faster because I heard the bell rang a moment ago and schooling hours for the afternoon session has started. However, I was too engrossed chatting with my friends till I refused to leave that spot in spite a part of my instincts telling me to move away quickly.

Suddenly, as I was looking up, chatting with my both of my friends, a group of girls were walking pass me. Naturally, I looked at them. My heart skipped a beat – it was Voon Pang and her friends. However, the first person I saw wasn’t any of her other friends, but instead, was Voon Pang. Our eyes met for only a split of a second and that was the time we greeted each other with a simple word “Hi.” I don’t think that I even finished saying “Hi.” but have already moved my eyes away from her. I was shocked; I was dumbfounded. I really did not expect us to be bumping into each other.

Of all her friends (all of them are also my friends) who walked past me, some of them greeted me. Because I was still standing there as still as a statue getting over the shock of her abrupt appearance, I only remembered that Elaine and Allison greeted me, and I greeted them back, naturally, without making eye contact.

The whole scene, lasted about only 5 seconds. They walked past me; I stood there and my conversation with both of my friends halted for that moment. I looked at them with an expression of I-can’t-believe-it.

As soon as Voon Pang and her friends walked a short distance short enough not for them to overhear what I say, I looked at Peng Hong, shook my head, and told him as quietly as possible just enough for him to hear what I’m saying, “Next time I don’t want to stand here anymore.”

“Why??” he asked me.

I walked off quickly without answering him. I just couldn’t believe what exactly just happened right before my eyes just a few seconds ago. I was walking with my jaws slightly dropped. I was planning, and telling myself, that I don’t want to see her today, but… why must this happen to me?? Out of all the possibilities, out of all everything, why do we always end up in such a way?? Out of so much sample space, out of so much other probabilities, why does it always, without fail, things will make its way to put us together?? It seems like if probabilities like this can happen, I can have easily strike the 4D Toto more than three times in a row.

I walked to the canteen to calm myself down. Once again, I went speechless. But there was one thing about my feelings; strangely, I don’t really feel disturbed, but my feelings were more towards shocked and surprised. I paced around very slowly for a short moment, then thought that since my feelings isn’t in a very disturbed state, then I would take this opportunity to distract myself chatting with my friends. Then, I walked out of the canteen and headed towards the side of the School Hall.

As I was walking towards the Hall, I noticed from the side of my eyes that they were some girls outside the Hall. Usually, when schooling hours begins for the afternoon session students, they would usually gather inside the school hall before dispersing into their classes. As for this, I believe this explains the reason why those girls were outside the Hall.

Perhaps from the side of my eyes, I saw that it’s actually Voon Pang’s group of friends. Because of that, I walked towards the side of the Hall without even turning my head to look at the girls. I don’t want myself to see Voon Pang.

As I was walking, I clenched my jaws tightly because I felt pain in my chest. Again, I tried to join the conversations with my friends, but unfortunately, my concentration wasn’t with me. I excused myself from the conversation, grabbed my bag and walked off.

I was walking very slowly, my eyes staring blankly in front, my thoughts wandering somewhere else. As I was just only passing through the St. John’s room, I looked to my right and saw a girl walking towards me. That girl was wearing a smile on her face, walking towards me. I paused my walking, stood there and squinted my eyes. I wondered if she was actually smiling at the teacher walking ahead of it; but it seems ridiculous to smile at someone else walking ahead of you with their back facing you.

But… that I think that teacher was also smiling!! How strange. As that girl was approaching closer towards me, I had the guess that she’s Madelene.

“Are you… Madelene??” I asked in a low voice.

I was pretty sure that she’s Madelene, but couldn’t be too sure at the same time.

She didn’t answer me, but straight away proceeded to a question, “Has school started yet??”

“Yeah… school started already…” I said slowly, smiling.

The reason why I couldn’t be completely sure that if she’s Madelene is because I have only seen Madelene for a few times, especially in those very crucial times where I needed help the most and she appeared in front of me. Words just cannot express my gratitude towards how much things she’s done to help me. As she’s said that she’ll be helping me look after Voon Pang, that makes owe Madelene so much and look at her as importantly as how I see Voon Pang.

“Ohh… ffffffff…..” she almost cursed a vulgar word.

Madelene stood there for a moment, turning her head around, looking confused.

I was standing in front of her, still holding my bag in my hands, looking calm. I looked at Madelene, smiling at her calmly for the entire moment. I really didn’t expect to be seeing Madelene today too. But I thought that it surely would be better for me just to see Madelene today, instead of Voon Pang.

It’s been quite some time since the last time I met Madelene. If my memory serves me right, the last time we met each other when was on that Thursday when I saw Voon Pang crying. I couldn’t forget Madelene’s looks after looking at her because I had mentally scolded myself for not being able to recognise her. She had shimmering eyes, really, really shimmering eyes. It was very charming. As her height was shorter than mine, her smile was really beautiful. Her hair was tied ponytail style, and her complexion was fair. I don’t really know how to describe her physically, but I know that her inner beauty outshines so much that everytime when I am when beside her; I would feel a very calm feeling. She herself… and the feeling is just very, very beautiful.

Madelene walked away and her expression seemed a little lost. I watched her walked further, and further away from me from the back and thought really co-incidence could have brought up so much things in a day.

I continued walking, with my bag carried in both hands, very slowly, towards the canteen. The canteen was almost deserted, just with only a girl sitting on the long chair far away. All I did was only to sit down holding my bottle, and had such a feeling… such a painful feeling.

I stood up, and then I walked a few steps away and faced the car park. My memories reeled me back into those days where I was there… seeing her having her nose-bleed and I was running off to get some tissue for her… or desperately… just any help that I could possibly get.

Just as I was standing there drowned in my memories, I heard my name being called.

“Kean Lee” Madelene called me from the passageway. She was heading towards the canteen.

I looked into her direction and was surprised that Madelene hadn’t returned to her class.

“Do you know where’s my class??” she asked me. “I went to 1 Jati and there’s nobody”

“Oh, your class is used as an Examination Room for SPM” I replied. “Hmm… your class should be there…” I gestured to one of the blocks where I was facing when I was in my memories just now. “They are usually… placed there… in there… when they’re having their SPM”

I didn’t exactly explain to her in detail and I wasn’t speaking well. Perhaps I’m nervous speaking to her, because we have rarely got the chance to be speaking to each other in person.

After that, she walked away…

But after only after walking a short distance away, Madelene turned her back to face me, and the asked me a question that I never expected.

“So how are you getting along with Voon Pang??” she asked me, smiling with that really loving smile.

Somehow, or maybe it’s time for me to be putting on a hearing aid, Madelene pronounced Voon Pang’s name with some… slang in it that sounded more like ‘Voon Phang’ that would sound more like some Englishmen trying to learn Chinese.

“Sorry??” I begged her pardon, creasing my forehead to concentrate my attention.

“So how are you getting along with Voon Pang??” she repeated.

I paused for a second to fathom what she said.

Then, I smiled at her in a calm expression, then said, “You can ask her if you want.”

I said that because she had to run to her class and she didn’t have much time for my long stories. Furthermore, I believe that Voon Pang herself would be able to tell Madelene our story, in her own view and perspective of how she sees our relationship.

But I am still left in wonder if Madelene would ask Voon Pang about it. Even if she did, what would Voon Pang tell her??