A Tribute to Yiruma – Kiss The Rain

Story about Thursday (13/09/07)

Original Title of This Post: I Was Told To Just Not Ask

What’s the most painful thing in life?? I’ve said this before. The most painful thing is to see the one you love the most in pain.

This whole story is about Voon Pang. I will never forget this chapter in my life. If every person were to be given a day, just a day, to keep the entire memory of a moment that he’s experienced and not forgetting even a little of it, then I would chose to remember today’s memory.

The school bell rang and I went to the back of the class to grab my schoolbag, preparing to get home. I had a little monologue with myself when I was packing my stationeries.

“So do you want to see Voon Pang today??”

“No.”

“Why not??”

“Because I wouldn’t know what I’ll say to her when I meet her.”

“Okay then, let’s not think about this. So you’re going to downstairs later to talk to Leng yeah??”

“Yeah. Okay, let’s get going.”

I packed my stationeries slowly, waiting for time to pass. Frankly, I was waiting for the afternoon session students to come up to the class – I was wanting to see Voon Pang. A part of my refuses to see her because I’m afraid that I still wouldn’t know what to say to her, but another part of me dominating all my feelings tells me that I miss her so much that I really want to see her.

The students weren’t up yet, so I walked downstairs, telling myself to not think about her and just get beside Leng and accompany and talk to her. As I was walking with a slow pace, my eyes were scanning all over, as if finding some lost fifty dollars. I guess I can’t help it – I’m just naturally attached to Voon Pang.

I saw Elaine first, from a distance and quickly pretended not to see her. Instantly at the sight of her, I pretended to be looking elsewhere and from the corner of my eyes, I saw Voon Pang’s usual group of friends. I continued walking and they were walking the opposite direction as I was heading, and getting very close to each other now…

“Kean Lee...” Elaine called my name out loudly.

I was surprised for that fraction of that second and looked up.

“Don’t ask what happened.” Elaine told me.

I didn’t understand what she meant and was a little confused. Why did she say those words to me?? I then looked at Voon Pang and saw something shocking. At the moment I saw her, I saw that her face was really blushing red; the intensity of redness can be described like just getting a sunburn. My mind rushed for answers and my mind told me that she’s getting a nose-bleed again. Tissues came into my mind, but before I can finish thinking about tissues, my eyes received new information and after interpreting what I actually saw, I was shocked; I was dumbfounded. All the thinking and interpretation of information from my eyes happened all in only a second.

She was sobbing. Voon Pang was sobbing. She looked so blushed with a handkerchief covering a part of her face. She wasn’t looking at me, but continued walking. I wanted to do something – I had to do something, but I couldn’t, because those words that Elaine said: “Don’t ask what happened.” had somehow stunned me and was like a command. My head was full, very full to the brim that I think I am about to collapse any moment. I was full with questions and responsibility, and heartache.

“Don’t ask what happened.” Elaine repeated another time, walking away.

I was left standing there, still carrying my schoolbag and seeing them walking away – seeing Voon Pang walking away, sobbing. I realised that her friend (which was also my friend), Goon May was also sobbing, too. The next suggestion idea that I thought of might be a quarrel between Goon May and Voon Pang, because I only see both of them sobbing.

I was just standing there. But I realised one thing, I wasn’t only standing there, I was shivering. My hands were cold; lips were dry and seemed to be panting slightly. When I realised I was feeling all that way, then I realised that I was really worried about her. But most of all, my heart hurt so much, so very much to see her sobbing. I wanted to do something so badly that my feelings were beyond words. I know I can’t approach Voon Pang now and ask her what happened because that just isn’t the right thing to do at the moment, because Elaine told me not to ask what happened, and at times like this, it’s just best to let things cool a little before proceeding to the next step. But the problem is – I don’t have the time because she’s already heading towards her class.

Then I remembered that once Voon Pang told me that she’s a ‘cry-baby’, so she cries easily. But still, I really don’t want her to cry because of something bad has happened. Crying for the reason that something good has happened shows that person is moved, but for her case now, it doesn’t seem to look as if something good has happened.

I was pacing around wildly, like some confused cow that has just been told that it will be slaughtered in a moment for its meat. I was really confused because I really, really didn’t know what to do. Finally, after pacing around the same spot where I saw her sobbing for what seemed like 3 minutes, I walked away with a heavy head, about to fall off from my body. I thought to myself, “Go find someone who’s in her class, faster!!” And so, I walked with haste, searching the canteen first to find if there’s anyone from her class that I could ask for help.

To no avail, the search in the canteen was a failure. There wasn’t anyone that I recognised that was from her class in the canteen. I felt my lips were even drier. I speeded up my movement. I didn’t have a direction where to go; I seemed to be lost, as if lost in some tropical rainforest. I headed towards the building of her class, looking up into her class and thinking how’s she doing now.

Suddenly, I was utterly surprised to see Madelene walking pass me. Instantly, I called her.

“Madelene!!” I called, but she didn’t see me.

“Madelene!! Can you please come here for a while…” I called again.

Madelene seemed to slow down her pace, but was still continuing walking. I went forward to her.

“Voon Pang is upstairs there.” Madelene said.

I was surprised that she knows that I’m about to ask her about Voon Pang because the first sentence she said to me was to tell me where Voon Pang was.

“Up there??” I asked in confusion.

“Upstairs the KH room.” She said.

KH stands for ‘Kemahiran Hidup’ and it means Living Skills.

“But I thought… she’s in her class??”

“Huh??” Madelene’s expression showed only a tinge of confusion.

“She’s crying… you know??” I told her.

“Har??!!!” Madelene exclaimed loudly with surprise and confusion. Her forehead suddenly creased and paid more attention to our conversation. “Why??” she asked.

“I don’t know; that’s what I’m trying to ask you.” I said.

So Madelene didn’t know that Voon Pang was crying. I thought that she knew, so I approached her.

“You know what happened??” I asked.

“I don’t know. Voon Pang is in the KH room just now, but they’re supposed to go for Chinese class.” She said.

“Do you go for Chinese class??” I asked.

Our conversation went very quick because she was walking quite quickly and heading back towards her class.

“All of them go for Chinese class, except me.” She said.

“Goon… Goon May’s also crying.” I added.

Now we were both in confusion and full of questions.

“Erm, can you please… please see if she’s okay…” I begged her.

Madelene was only metres away from the flight of stairs to her class and I had to make things even quicker.

“Oh wait, ask Daniel…” she turned behind and signalled a prefect, walking towards our direction.

“Daniel, are you okay??” Madelene asked Daniel when she saw him.

Daniel is a school prefect and he’s looks a little round in shape, not too tall in height, and wears spectacles. I think he looks cute. Apparently, he was having a nose-bleed and kept wiping out the blood flowing out from his nose.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” He replied.

I didn’t have the time to ask if he was okay, but instead, Madelene asked the second question.

“You go for Chinese class right??” Madelene asked.

“Yeah.” Daniel replied.

“Then do you know what happened to Voon Pang??” she asked.

“About her crying??”

“Yeah.” Madelene said.

“She got scolded by the teacher because she didn’t attend Chinese class.” Daniel said.

“Wowwowow… this is so much; I’m about to explode.” I held my head with both hands. “Can you tell me from the beginning??” I asked Daniel.

“There’s Chinese class today, and Voon Pang and her friends didn’t attend it. Instead, they went for KH class. Even teacher called them many times, but they still didn’t come. So they got scolded by teacher. Even the KH teacher ask them to go also they don’t want to go.” Daniel explained.

“Did she get scolded very badly??” I asked.

“Quite badly.” Daniel replied.

“So you’re from 1 Jati, right??” I asked Daniel.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, he’s from 1 Jati, that’s why I ask him.” Madelene explained.

“Oh, okay. See you.” I said.

“Okay, bye.” Daniel then walked forward.

I didn’t intend to say “See you” to him, instead, I was intending to say “Well, I would see you around often since you’re in 1 Jati.” He took my words “See you” to mean that I’m bidding him goodbye.

I didn’t have any more questions and was really grateful Daniel was here to explain everything. Now both Madelene and Daniel were about to approach that flight of stairs, before I called Madelene from the back, once more.

“Madelene…” I called her but she didn’t hear me.

I walked forward to her.

“Madelene… can you please help me… see that if she’s alright… and take care of her… please…” I begged her for the second time.

“Okay.” She agreed.

“And one more thing… can you please do me a favour… don’t tell her that I asked about her… don’t tell her everything about this.” I pleaded.

Madelene stood there and smiled at me. I really like her smile; I find her smile really charming and beautiful.

“If I am the one who is crying, would you treat me like this??” Madelene asked me, with a smile.

“Maybe…” I said without thinking much.

I guess if Madelene is the one who’s crying, maybe yeah, I’ll react the same way as how I see Voon Pang. However, the way Madelene and I started wasn’t like how Voon Pang and I started, so I can’t say for sure how would I react and what would I do that if Madelene’s the one who’s crying. I believe the reason why I think highly of and treat Madelene well is because that she’s Voon Pang’s good friend.

Madelene knows that I’m so concerned about Voon Pang and even asked me if I would treat her the way I treated Voon Pang if she’s the one who’s crying. I think that Madelene’s really beautiful today and she looked a little sweaty that I saw from her face when I called her the moment I met her just now, but I still think she’s got that charm that makes everyone around her like her a lot.

Voon Pang, the reason why I didn’t look for you after I saw you sobbing there was because you seemed to be rushing away and Elaine told me not to ask what happened. If it wasn’t how things happened in between us, and if Elaine didn’t ask me not to ask what happened, I would surely be there comforting you. My feelings were indescribable at that moment when I saw you, added with those words from Elaine, I was just in dilemma; time was running short and I needed to do something. But the thing that I needed to do the most at that moment was to comfort you.

I doubt that Voon Pang would ever read this. Perhaps I’m writing this just to console my feelings. Perhaps I’m writing this just to keep it as my memory in high school. I really never did expect my final year in high school would be so eventful, and complicated. The first time I saw Voon Pang was on a Friday afternoon when I attended my first club meeting.

After everything happened, I just realised that I was late for my transport home – my transporter left ages ago. I was on the verge of walking home but then gave a call to Dad and asked where he was. I was just in luck that Dad was just somewhere near and he said that he could fetch me. The sky was very cloudy that day and it rained. Sometimes, I think the mood of the skies suits to my mood at the precise time of what I’m feeling.

You know, whenever I watch the scenes from Autumn In My Heart, I will cry. I will remember how the love was in between Joon-suh and Eun-suh. A love in between two people, so pure, so loyal, so beautiful. I really hope the person I love, will love me as how Eun-suh loved Joon-suh.

How is my character?? People tend to favour some type of character (from the idols or people that they know in person) and try to imitate them and their character. I always remind myself of Joon-suh’s character. He isn’t someone who tries to be cool in appearance and character-wise, he’s patient, he doesn’t care what people around him thinks about him and most of all, he’s very caring. These are the reason’s why I always try to be like him, not only because he’s got those nice qualities, but I’m more attracted towards such personality – it's really my personality.

A Tribute to Yiruma – On The Way

Story about Tuesday (11/09/07)

For my great love towards Yiruma’s pieces, for this post and the coming ones, the titles of my post will bear my most favoured titles of Yiruma’s pieces.

Original Title of This Post: I Kept My Promise Today

I had Gerak Gempur Biology 1 and Biology 2 papers today. Exams have been on for me since the past 3 weeks already. I still have next week to go. Really, now that I’m sitting for exams every single day I go to school, it already seems like a routine thing and isn’t really an exhausting thing. Perhaps that I’m not hard-working enough that’s why I don’t find it exhausting.

There was a pile of exercise books on the teacher’s table today. I didn’t dare to look at what books they were (but I knew that the books belong to the afternoon session students from my class) because if I did that, then my classmates would be curious of me looking at their books, which doesn’t belong to us (my classmates) and that will stir up many questions from them.

Thus, I waited until my school session ended. When the school bell rang, I lingered around the class for some moments while waiting for the class to be deserted. When there were only some students left in my class, I went over to the teacher’s table and had a look at the books. It was their Civics book and the title was written “Sivik dan Kenegaraan”. I wouldn’t explain any further about this compulsory subject they were taking because I didn’t have this subject in my syllabus back in my days.

Immediately, I looked for Voon Pang’s book. Co-incidentally, Madelene’s book was just before Voon Pang’s book. I extracted those two books from the pile and began scanning through. You would question me why I would want to have a look at Voon Pang’s book. My reason is because I miss her, and because of that, I miss everything about her, and I miss seeing her handwriting which is really beautiful. I flipped through the pages and really enjoyed what I saw.

About 30 seconds passed and the class is now deserted but I was too occupied admiring her handwriting till I didn’t even notice of the deserted class. I put down her book and now took up Madelene’s book to have a look at it. I realised that Madelene’s handwriting isn’t as beautiful as Voon Pang’s, but it was still legible. I then came across a picture that was pasted onto a page in her book. I took a closer look at the picture and instantly recognised that it was Madelene and the person next to her was her sister.

About 60 seconds passed and I’m still standing there getting a closer look at the picture. I didn’t even realise my surroundings was getting noisier. I felt that there was someone had just walked pass me and instinctively, I looked up. As soon as I looked up to see who it was, I dropped my head down to continue looking at the picture. Instantly at the moment I dropped my head down, I immediately looked up again. It was Voon Pang.

“Hi.” Voon Pang greeted me first.

“Hello.” I greeted her back with an unenthusiastic and boring tone. I was pretending not to be surprised and trying to avoid speaking to her.

I was shocked to see her. I thought they (the afternoon session students) wouldn’t come up to the class so fast. Usually, when the school bell rings, they will first gather in the School Hall before they come up to class and that would take them at least 10 minutes or so. But now, it was just 1 minute after the bell rang and they’re up here already. However, that isn’t the point – the point is that I saw Voon Pang and she saw me reading their books. What would she think of me??

Immediately, I put the books down, pretending to act as if nothing has happened and headed to the back entrance of the class. I saw Elaine there and I greeted her (also with a boring tone) and even saw Madelene. Apparently, Madelene was leaning on the wall at the back entrance of the class and I think she was looking at me. I didn’t see that if Madelene greeted me or not but I greeted her anyways. Instead of getting out of the class through the back entrance, I rerouted my way through the front entrance because I didn’t dare to face Madelene (in case she might ask me questions or something).

Voon Pang was beautiful, so as Madelene, standing there and looking at me. I always told myself that I had to treat Madelene well because she’s Voon Pang’s good friend. I walked out of the class, thinking that I was being really silly. My mind was blocked. As I was walking downstairs, I kept thinking about that scene when I was still looking at Madelene’s book and I saw Voon Pang and greeted her and saw Madelene there.

Still walking with a slow pace and thinking about both Voon Pang and Madelene, I saw Leng’s sister. At the sight of her, I thought to myself “Oh no, does it really have to be like this?? I’m just done with Voon Pang and Madelene and now I see Leng’s sister.” Although that thought came into my mind, but after my mind finished reading that sentence in my head, I came back to myself and surprisingly, I felt that my mind was cleared. The sight of Leng’s sister really stirs everything out of my mind and brings in that feeling of love and happiness.

We greeted each other from a distance and I really wanted to go forward to her and talk to her. Apparently, she was lining-up to get upstairs. She looked as if she’s got something to say to me. That thought made me hope that she might ask me “So how’s school today??” or “How’s are you today??”

I walked over to her and smiled at her with a calm expression.

“Where’s my jiejie leh??” she asked me with that mumbled and cute tone.

“Ohh… she went that way,” I pointed to my right.

“Ow…” she sighed with a tone of disappointment.

I guess if my mind was even clearer that I didn’t see Voon Pang and Madelene just now, I would have thought of offering Leng’s sister to help her carry her bag upstairs. I’m sure it must have been heavy on her shoulders that she has to carry another small bag on another hand.

I put down my bag and paced a few steps; my mind still busy contemplating everything. I suddenly remembered that Voon Pang has got Science today and it starts now and they should be inside the Science Lab, which was just beside where I was standing. I looked around and saw Zhi Wen. Immediately, I walked over to Zhi Wen and patted him on his shoulders to get his attention.

“Hi,” he greeted me.

“I need to ask you a question.” I said to him and quite forgotten and didn’t really had the time to even greet him beforehand.

“I really haven’t been seeing you for a long, long time…” he continued saying.

“Can you come with me,” I moved with haste. “Here.” I nudged him forward towards the side of the School Hall because I was afraid that Voon Pang would see me talking to him and will question what we chatted about.

“Erm… you know… your friendster… and you ask who’s goong…” I asked him, gapping and speaking unclearly.

He looked blur and seemed to not understand what I said.

“You know… Voon Pang’s comment on your blog that said… ‘oh ya, you asked me who’s goong right? He’s my very very very very very good friend…’… you remember that comment she wrote??” I paraphrased my sentence. “So do you know who’s that ‘goong’ guy that she meant??” I added.

“Well… no…” he replied.

“Oh well… but I thought you know… you asked her…” I said.

“If you want I can ask her…” he said.

“Nonono!! Don’t ask her… if not she’ll know that I ask one…”

“I’ll put it in a way that seems like I want to know…”

“Hmm…”

“I won’t say that it’s you who’s asking.” He said.

“Okay. Don’t tell her that is me who ask wan har??” I stressed. “Oh ya, don’t comment me in friendster to say who’s that person. Email me to tell me… Okay, you’ve got to go back to class, quick.” I added, nudging him back to his class.

I entrusted Zhi Wen. He looked like someone I could trust the most, even more than Madelene or whoever else.

Actually this was the story. It was last Friday night that I was allowed to go online. I had a look at Zhi Wen’s friendster profile and I saw a comment by Voon Pang which was quite lengthy. I read that comment and Voon Pang ended it with a sentence like this “oh ya… you asked me who’s goong rite?? He’s my very very very very very good friend…” That last sentence stirred up many possibilities if that person (goong) was me. This is because my previous name for my friendster profile was Goong. And really, not many boys watch this Korean soap drama and I’m the only one. The name ‘goong’ that Voon Pang mentioned in her comment could have been me. I’m more convinced that it is me because she said that it was a “He” which would mean that that person’s a boy. If that person’s really me, than the words that she wrote in the comment “He’s my very very very very very good friend” and would that mean that I’m her very good friend?? If everything is true, then I wonder how really happy and elated I can be.

After that, I heaved a sigh of relief. I then remembered that Voon Pang and her entire class must have been inside the Science Lab and this would mean that her class hasn’t got anyone in it now. Thus, I walked back upstairs to the class to continue where I stopped – the see picture of Madelene and her sister. Feeling satisfied that I had a good look on Madelene’s book; I then walked over to Voon Pang’s table. I felt my heart crushing and suddenly remembered about my promise. Immediately, I scanned the entire class for a good chair and swapped it with her current chair, and neatly put her schoolbag back on that better chair.

“Voon Pang, I’ll protect you, forever.” I said to myself after swapping her chair for a better one. I walked downstairs with an optimistic thought that at least I’ve fulfilled my promise today and that I should feel happy, both for myself, and for her.

The Hope That Didn't Turn Up…

… but instead, the unexpected turned up…

Perhaps… this might be a new spark, or merely just another impersonator of feelings that reassembles a shadow of clouds to cover my true feelings of who I truly love.

Story about Friday (07/09/07)

(A continuation after The Ending Story)

In life, there care certainly many things that could bring pain and sorrow to us. But, there is one thing that can easily bring the most painful of all pains to us in our life. At the same time, that thing can also bring the happiest of all happiness to us.

The most painful thing is feeling is that feeling in your heart, as if it’s tearing apart forcefully and you realise there’s a few drops of tears flowing out from your eyes. The most painful thing isn’t to see your loved one being with someone else that she loves, or even enjoying and giggling when she’s around someone else that she loves, but the most painful thing is to see your loved one in sorrow and pain – this is the most painful thing that you’ll experience in life.

I really didn’t expect there would be a continuation after The Ending Story. It just shows how unpredictable life can be. After all, what can actually change the outcome of such an ending to the story is how we look at it, and sow some effort into trying not to end it in this way. And it was yesterday, that I made the decision to change something – because I was reluctant to let everything end and go like this; I still wanted to continue this.

Yesterday was a Thursday. It was on Thursday that I saw that the Taekwondo Bulletin Board stated that there’s practice today. Thus, I thought even if there’s a practice or not, I would still stay back after school, at least for today. The reason why I decided to stay back after school is because I really want to see Leng’s sister.

After that incident that happened on this Wednesday between me and Leng’s sister, I really, really missed her a lot since then. And it was because that I missed her so much, I was willing to sacrifice the effort and time just to stay back just to see her for that short moment. Now I have the chance to choose to sacrifice effort and time to see Leng’s sister, but after this year, I doubt I would even have the chance to decide whether I would want to sacrifice effort and time to see her. Thus, this shows me how the time now is most precious, and I really should make full use of it. I’ll sacrifice and do anything now just to see her, be with her and talk to her, before I would have to regret for not doing it when I can’t see her anymore.

Moreover, the next reason why I wanted to see Leng’s sister today is also because if I don’t see her today, I would have to miss her so much till Monday until I can get to see her again. And on Monday, I would still have to hope to see her, or even talk to her. Most likely that if we get to meet each other on Monday, our conversation would only begin and end with a simple greeting of “Hello” or “Hi”.

However, my intention to see Leng’s sister was the sole intention I decided stay back after school today. In fact, I didn’t have any intention to see Voon Pang today. This is because if I see her, I really wouldn’t know what to say to her anymore. I just want to avoid seeing her because the situation in between us is bad enough and I wouldn’t want to make it worst. There was even more thought of Leng’s sister than Voon Pang. Anyways, the incident that happened on Wednesday between me and Leng’s sister made me feel so happy for the past two days and I didn’t want Voon Pang to ‘interrupt’ my happiness for the time being. I just wanted to focus on Leng’s sister.

And now, let me begin telling you the story on what happened today…

I got back my Biology SPM Trials exam results today with a mere lousy score of 54. Students in our school have always expected to fail Biology SPM Trials in our school but surprisingly, I passed. I was feeling contented, of course, but deep down, I was still eager to get higher than that. Not many of my classmates failed anyways, so it was something good.

I sat in class in my chair quietly. My classmates were all gathered in groups and chatting away excitedly. Then I realised that they were all in groups and no one was alone, but I was the only one sitting down alone, quietly. At that moment, I felt very lonely, but I told myself that it was okay, I told myself that I can’t resonant with my classmates’ personality, so it’s normal if I’m alone here and not mixing with these people with a personality of vast difference.

I felt that Leng was looking at me from a distance. Though I don’t know what she might be thinking, but I guess she realised that I’m the only one alone in class and don’t have anyone to talk to at that moment. For the fact that because both Leng and I were shy, we avoided eye contact. But I believe deep down in our hearts, we have feelings close together. I can tell of that because of how the way she speaks to me with a soft and gentle tone (but this does not imply that we have feelings for each other).

After a long moment, I went over to a classmate of mine, who is a girl and is a person who has a similar personality like mine, but just was more a little to the childish side. Her name was Li Ann. I went over to ask how she fared in her Biology and sat in front of her.

Suddenly, a short moment after I sat on the chair in front of Li Ann, Leng came over. Apparently, Li Ann and I were both sitting on the chair and we were about a metre apart. When Leng came over, she squatted beside Li Ann (because there wasn’t any vacant chair there), and she then asked Li Ann a few questions. However, when Leng came over and squatted beside Li Ann, we still avoided eye contact and didn’t say anything to each other for the entire time.

“How much did you get??” Leng asked Li Ann.

“Forty-eight only.” Li Ann replied

I really was surprised by the next question Leng asked Li Ann. Leng lowered her voice till I almost did not hear what she was asking. Leng asked Li Ann “How much did Kean Lee get??”

“He got fifty-four.” Li Ann replied.

When Li Ann said that I got 54 marks, then I was sure that the question that Leng asked just now was about how much I fared. However, we still avoided each other’s eyes and she walked away telling Li Ann that she got 75 marks and I overheard that what she said. Leng has always been this bright.

“Wow, Leng asked about you!! Isn’t that surprising??” I thought to myself. Leng didn’t ask me directly about how I fared, but she asked Li Ann of how I fared instead. This shows that she’s concerned about me and thinks of me, but she was also shy to ask me directly of how I fared, and instead she has go to through a third-party.

Furthermore, I wasn’t the only person sitting near Li Ann. There were about another two classmates sitting beside me and Leng didn’t ask Li Ann how much they got. Leng only asked about my marks.

I felt so nice and happy. Though now my feeling for Leng has faded, but there was still the usual shyness in between us and we were both concerned about each other in our hearts and think of each other. I really think it’s something beautiful and sweet. It’s these little things that happen in my life that makes my day and look forward to keep living life till the next day.

After school, as usual, Leng was standing beside the School Hall waiting for her transporter to come to pick her up. I was there, too, but I was chatting with another friend of mine. But the sight of Leng being there made me want to be there standing beside her and talking to her, instead of talking to this friend I’m currently talking with. Couldn’t stop my feelings any further, I went over to Leng and stood beside her. Apparently, there was this boy (only a casual friend but I don’t suspect that he’s got any feelings for her) who’s my classmate and is currently talking to her. They were both discussing on the topic about the exams and because I didn’t have anything to say about that, I just kept quiet the whole time.

Until the boy left, then I started talking to Leng. Actually, the reason why I didn’t say even a single word when I was standing there while that boy was there, was because I didn’t feel free talking to Leng when there’s someone else with us. When there’s someone else with us, I felt that I couldn’t bring in topics that both of us usually chat, such as her problems. I felt that Leng and I had to be alone together, only then we could speak openly about our problems – because we’re close to each other in our hearts.

“So how have you been lately??” I asked her.

Leng smiled at me when I posed her that question.

“Not good.” She replied. She paused for a moment and then she said “Abigail got ninety-one for Add-maths.”

I looked at the concrete floor, trying to think of what to say.

“She’s always one mark below the smartest girl in our class. I don’t know why…” she added.

I then looked at her. The expression on her face didn’t project her happiness. This time, I really didn’t know what to say.

“Hmm…” I don’t know what else I should be saying. I was being very quiet.

“How ’bout you??” she asked me.

I smiled at her, slightly dropped my head down, looking at the concrete floor and shook my head gently.

“Not good??” she asked me with gentle tone.

“Not really good.”

We both stood there for a moment without any conversation going in between us. I can’t really remember what we chatted about after I replied “Not very good.” However, it was just only seconds before she said something.

“Anyway, my transporter is here already.” She said.

“Ow… okay, bye bye.” I bid her.

“Bye bye.”

She walked a step forward and then turned back and said to me “Maybe… I’ll talk with you online lah.”

I smiled at her and shook my head gently and said “I can’t go online…”

With that, we bid each other goodbye again and I stood there, seeing her getting up the car and went away. The reason why I’m writing about the conversation between me and Leng is because it clearly shows me something really, really important. Normally, she wouldn’t say to me that she’ll chat with me online, but this time, before she left, she turned behind and said those words to me.

That sentence “Maybe… I’ll talk with you online lah.” makes me feel that she has me close to her heart. If she doesn’t have me close to her heart, why would she even say those words to me, why would we pretend to ignore each other in class but when we’re alone together, then we become so close?? Those words that she said also show me that she feels comfortable talking and sharing her problems with me, if not she wouldn’t even say those words to me that maybe we can chat with each other online.

The thought that Leng has me in her heart (but this, too, does not imply that she loves me as in the love in between a boy and a girl) makes me feel nice. Though we try to avoid each other’s eyes in class was for a good reason – we were both shy. I really like this feeling, it’s so nice. It shows me that I have someone that is close to my heart. I only have one or two people close to my heart, but I don’t know if they have their hearts close to mine, and that’s why that now I realise that Leng has her heart close to mine, I feel really happy.

After seeing Leng off, I walked away; thinking and trying hard to contemplate why did Leng said those words to me. “Does it mean that she feels that her heart is close to mine??” I asked myself. Just as I was walking away, heading towards the canteen to have my lunch, I remembered the core reason I stayed back today was because I wanted to see Leng’s sister. I thought about Voon Pang, too, but I told myself I have to avoid seeing her because I really wouldn’t know what I would be saying to her when we meet each other’s eyes. After the second time I gave her those chocolates with those papers that explained why I did those things for her, I felt that I’m really going to be speechless when I meet her. What would happen if we really see each other?? Would she pretend to not see me and ignore me?? What will we be saying to each other?? I was afraid to see her and that’s the reason why I’m trying my best to avoid seeing her today.

Just as I was reminding myself that I am to avoid seeing Voon Pang today, suddenly, I saw Voon Pang and her group of friends walking some distance in front of me, the opposite direction where I was heading. My heartbeat went up and adreanaline running high in my blood. Just in that fraction of a second, many considerations went into my mind on whether I should pretend not to have seen them and move my eyeballs away from that sight, and if I should wave at them as a gesture of greeting.

They saw me and I didn’t have the time to escape the situation I’m currently stuck in. I waved at them with a slight smile on my face and saw that Elaine was the first person to wave at me. Apparently Elaine was standing behind Voon Pang and she raised her hand high into the air and waved to me enthusiastically. On the other hand, upon Voon Pang’s sight of me, it took her a second before she waved at me. I guess she was also debating in her mind on whether she should have pretended to not see me and whether to wave at me. Maybe Voon Pang felt the same way as I do – shy.

We waved at each other from a distance and my mind was telling me to run away as quick as possible from that situation. A second after seeing Voon Pang’s wave to me, I hurried off heading towards the canteen, pretending to look busy. I thought to myself that how life can be so cruel to me when I really wanted to see her, I couldn’t and when I wanted to avoid her so much, she would turn up in front of me. I wondered that if fate really exists and if it does, how can things turn up so co-incidentally; I really feel that as if I’m a character in a drama, not a drama that is played in the scenes of places and everything built to make it look real, but a drama in real life reality where everything is truly real.

I bought some dull-tasting and unappetising food from the canteen (fish balls), sat down alone without any company of friends and ate there alone. The sky’s mood was a little cloudy and windy and I really loved the weather. Thus, I took my time sitting down there, chewing away on those fish balls and enjoying the atmosphere. Frankly, I wasn’t truly enjoying sitting down there because as usual, my mind was bugging me to think of what actually Leng thinks of me as and about what happened just now in between me and Voon Pang. Nevertheless, I reminded myself many times that I’m here to see Leng’s sister and that now that she hasn’t arrived school yet, so I’m going to be waiting for her and not think about other stuffs.

When I was eating, I saw Voon Pang walked by from a distance. She was wearing baju kurung and her pony-tail tied hair was brought in front and left to rest on her left shoulder. That sight of her made me think that she’s trying to look attractive. In Chinese, we call it ‘fa chiao’. The very first days when I knew her, she wasn’t this type of person – she’s changed so much. The first year in secondary school life really changes people, doesn’t it?? At the sight of her, because I didn’t want to catch her eyes again, I quickly looked away, pretended to not see her and continued eating.

After finishing my lunch, I walked out of the canteen, deciding to go somewhere else to let time pass. Just after walking through the passageway, I spotted Voon Pang and her friends now adjourning down from the stairs. Now Voon Pang and I were only a metre or two away from each other, almost meeting each other’s eyes. At the same time, I heard my name being called from behind. Quickly, I looked back and saw noticed that my friend was calling me. The moment I turned my head back, Voon Pang walked pass by me in the opposite direction and when I looked forward, I was just in time to avoid greeting her again and feeling all awkward. What a really close shave that was.

I walked and chatted with my friend until we reached the Pavilion. The skies were even cloudier now and the wind was breezier. The weather was soothingly cool that soothes my emotions. I chatted to my friend with calm emotions and was enjoying the sight of the afternoon session students running around and playing catching with each other – they are and looked so innocent and it really reminds me of my past when I was at their age. After what seemed like a 20 minute chat or so, I excused myself because I wanted to go to the canteen to see if Leng’s sister has arrived.

I didn’t see Leng’s sister anywhere and the time was already 1.45pm and I wonder how much longer do I have to wait and how much time I could spend with her. Still with some hope in my heart, I walked out of the canteen and thought that maybe she has reached school and probably might be in the Library. Walking through the passageway again, there again, I saw Voon Pang and our eyes met. This time was no route for escape and I greeted her.

“Hi.” she greeted me, with a shy look on her face.

“Hello.” I greeted her back in a low tone, without looking into her eyes because I felt shy. Also, I didn’t smile at her and pretended to look as if I’m busy and serious, and walked away in opposite direction with haste.

“Goodness, does it really have to be this way??” I thought to myself. This is the fourth time seeing her today despite trying all means to avoid seeing her. I proceeded to the Library to search for Leng’s sister but to no avail, she isn’t in there. Leng’s sister loves to read and I’ve seen her in the Library many times. I feel that I am really missing her so much now. I kept looking at my watch but to only see that the second is ticking away quickly.

As I was walking to the canteen, I finally saw Leng’s sister walking the opposite direction as I was heading. Apparently, she wasn’t looking into my direction so I waved to get her attention. When she saw me, I smiled and she smiled back at me, too. Her eyes narrowed when she smiles that makes her look really cute. But after that, not a conversation went in between us and she walked away, with that usual shy look on her face. I was feeling full of love and I told myself that the whole reason I stayed back today is to see her and now that I’ve seen her, I should feel happy, really happy.

I just stood there, seeing her walk away and thought hard that I must do something. I really feel like talking to her and I really miss her. I wonder if I would even lose control and hug her of all a sudden – but I keep shrugging that thought off my mind because that made me seem like a pervert. But the reason why thoughts like these would emerge from my mind is only for the reason that I love and miss her so much. Suddenly, I thought I saw her emerging from the passageway and walking upstairs from the corner of my eyes. Immediately, I climbed the stairs that I thought I saw her went up and because I was practically rushing upstairs, I collided with someone.

“Oh, sorry, sorry. I’m so sorry.” I apologised to the person I collided with.

I looked back and saw who I collided with and I was surprised who it was. It was Leng’s sister’s best friend.

“Ohh!! It’s you.” She exclaimed in surprise.

“Oh, sorry. Hello.” I apologised again.

If I can meet her here, surely Leng’s sister must be somewhere. I looked up and saw that indeed, Leng’s sister was just a metre away from us and witnessed what just had happened. I smiled at Leng’s sister and both of them went upstairs, to the Library.

I followed them from behind into the Library and when Leng’s sister entered the Library, I saw her writing on a book that was laid open on the table next to the entrance. I walked over to her and observed what she was writing.

“Hello.” She greeted me once more, without looking at me but was writing her name on the book.

“What’s this??” I asked.

“It’s a book… you just write your name in it…” she explained while flipping to the front cover of the book for me to see.

When she finished, she walked away to the bookshelves while I just stood there. I looked at the book and it has got long columns for students to fill their names, class, purpose of visiting the Library and signature. It looked more like a log book, but I’ve never written my name in it every time I entered this place. I looked at the last row where she had just written her name on. I was surprised to see that her handwriting wasn’t as beautiful as I’d expected. Leng has a beautiful handwriting but Leng’s sister’s handwriting didn’t look too good, however, it was still legible and I think it looked cute. I looked at the column where she signed and saw that her signature looked like a simple word. I contemplated it and looked at it at a greater detail. Her signature reassembled like ‘Melody’. Perhaps that her nickname is called ‘Melody’?? I chuckled at that and realised that every little thing that she does really does bring me happiness, doesn’t it?? I tried getting close to her near the bookshelves but her best friend gave me a suspicious so-it’s-true-that-you-like-her look and that was clearly shown on her face. Of course that scared me off. Her friend seemed to be trying to get Leng’s sister’s attention to tell her of her the suspicion. Because of that, I didn’t dare to go near Leng’s sister and instead, kept a good distance. However, I kept looking through the crevices of the bookshelves to look at her.

She finally walked out of the Library without bidding me a word of goodbye. I think that she must have not seen me or might have felt shy to do so. I stayed inside the Library for a little while more before I went out because I didn’t want to leave her an impression that I was following her.

The school bell rang and students flocked into the School Hall. I didn’t really like such a big crowd of people walking the opposite direction as I was walking (I was intending to head towards the canteen and they were walking the opposite direction – they were heading towards the School Hall) because they would give me looks that made me feel uncomfortable and nervous. Thus, I stayed at a quiet place while waiting for the crowd to settle before walking into the canteen. I spotted my friend and sat down with him on the canteen bench and started chatting away.

Not too long later, as I was sitting on the bench in the canteen, next to the passageway, the afternoon session students began walking through the passageway. Hearing footsteps in the passageway, I instinctively looked up. Again, I saw Voon Pang again. She greeted me with the usual tone which was mixed with enthusiasm and hurry. I greeted her with an inaudible, moody and boring tone. I watched her walk away, heading towards her class. I sat there on that bench and thought I’m the silliest person that the world’s ever known.

So, when I really don’t feel like meeting her, I keep running into her. Well, if it was not because that she ignores me this way and treats me coldly, we wouldn’t end up in this way. Anyways, I kept shrugging the thought of her off my mind because I constantly reminded myself that I was here today to see Leng’s sister. But as for the fact that nothing good and nice happened in between me and Leng’s sister or even Voon Pang today, but instead, the nice thing that happened was about me and Leng.

About me and Leng; we avoided each other’s eyes pretended to ignore each other in class, but when we’re both together alone without anyone else around us, we could talk openly like really close friends that understand each other’s feelings really well. Those words that she said to me before she left for home also leaves me an impression that perhaps she feels that her heart is close to mine.

This is the reason why the title of this post is ‘The Hope That Didn’t Turn Up…

… but instead, the unexpected turned up…’ I hoped to have a nice time with Leng’s sister today without the ‘interruption’ of Voon Pang. But my hope didn’t come true; instead, Leng was the person who made my day, instead of her sister. Sometimes, the things that we really hope so much for doesn’t come our way, doesn’t it?? But like as they always say that what we need most at these moments is strong willpower and determination that will finally gets us there.

Yes, I will still stay back for the coming Friday because there isn’t much chance left, for me to choose to sacrifice these little things that I can afford to sacrifice, for the sake of seeing Leng’s sister.

Sparks of Colourful Attraction

Story about Wednesday (05/09/07)

After the second term school holidays, I returned to school and got to know that the school is undergoing some minor renovation (repainting and little repair works). Because of this, when I arrived into the school compound from the back gate the first morning after the holidays, I saw many people crowding around the hall. I asked my friends about what’s all the commotion about and my friends told me that the whole of Block B is locked because some renovation works are still being done inside the block.

Because of that renovation, the students who were supposed to be in their classes in Block B had to instead use the School Hall. Furthermore, it’s still the exam period and as for that, all of them who were supposed to be in their classes were gathered into the School Hall and their examinations are being held inside there.

The thing is, the classes in Block B are also to be used by the afternoon session students in the afternoon. Leng’s sister’s class is in one of the classes in Block B, in the third floor. So, when the afternoon session students (whose classes are in Block B) come to school, they would instead use the vacant classes beside Block D and E (which is much further away).

Enough explaining what’s about all the classes and renovation issue. Let me begin on the story about what happened today. After my schooling hours, it was still 1.05pm and my transporter only comes to pick me up at 1.40pm and later. The afternoon school session starts at 1.05pm and because of that, I might have a slight chance of seeing Voon Pang… but still, I wouldn’t dare to approach her anymore. I needn’t really explain why I wouldn’t dare to approach her, because, if you were me, you would have felt the same way as I do, and would do the very same thing like me.

Just minutes after I put my bag down beside the School Hall, I saw students walking in lines, up to Block B. That instantly told me that they must have finished renovation there and Block B is finally opened for use again. The thought of Leng’s sister suddenly popped in my mind – perhaps I could see her.

Not too long after that, the students started walking down from Block B and heading towards the School Hall. I was looking at the faces of the students, trying to spot someone I recognize from Leng’s sister’s class so that I’ll know that if Leng’s sister is down here. However, after some seconds, seeing these students carrying tables and chairs out from the School Hall back to their respective classes in Block B, I still did not see anyone that I can recognize who’s from Leng’s sister’s class. Maybe Leng’s sister just isn’t down here. I walked away, pacing around outside the School Hall aimlessly, waiting for time to pass.

Suddenly, I saw Leng’s sister, inside the School Hall, carrying not one, but two tables stacked together with both hands. I looked at her from a distance with surprise because I really didn’t expect to see her here. Well, lately these few days, I’ve been thinking and seeing many, many things that really hurt me. Because of the vast amount of things that has happened and they were evokes unpleasant and sad feelings, I’ve decided not to write about it. But, the sight of Leng’s sister drove all those things out my mind that instant I saw her. Her presence was like a light that led me out of the darkness, a light that shone so brightly that it lit up every hope that seemed to have faded away ages ago. My love feelings towards her were evoked so strongly that was beyond the expression of words. She looked so beautiful, so very beautiful. The feeling that moment when I saw her was so special, so beautiful, so pure and sincere that it cannot even be depicted by any simile or even the most complicated words to express it. The only thing I could say that when I saw her is that – I just love and miss her too much.

I slowly walked towards her and her eyes met my eyes (I don’t really recall if I greeted her, because I was feeling nervous all over).

“Come, let me help you.” I said to her, placing a firm grip on the two tables stacked together that she was carrying.

“I can carry it. It’s not very heavy.” She said with a shy and surprised look on her face.

Apparently, no one was beside her, so I felt freer to talk to her.

“No, it’s okay. I’ll help you carry.” I insisted.

After taking the tables from her, she then tried to divide my burden by carrying the other side of the table. My heart was pouring and flooding with love, and flooding so badly that I believe it could even flood an entire city and make the world record of such a great flood.

“It’s okay,” I said to her when I saw her trying to help me with the other side of the table. “I can carry it myself.” I added.

We walked a few steps forward and she then asked me: “Why you still in school one??”

“I’m going back at 1.40.” I replied.

“Oh.” She said. “You carry this to 1 Meranti. I go take more tables.” She said to me.

“Okay.” I nodded.

How I wished that she wouldn’t have said that. I wished that she had walked with me upstairs empty handed to her class while I’m the person who’s carrying the tables for her.

I carried those tables upstairs and some of her classmates were looking at me. I felt awkward having stares from the other students, who made me feel like some alien from Mars or something. The students must have been surprised that I’m helping out with the carrying of tables and chairs while I’m not a first former nor I’m from their class. Then I said to myself that I didn’t care how I felt, or how they think about me because all I knew and wanted was not Leng’s sister to carry those tables and chairs because it might be heavy for her.

I walked downstairs again and saw her carrying only one table this time. I approached her.

“I’ll carry this for you.” I said to her.

She handed me the table and at that moment, I hoped that she wouldn’t say that she wants to go get some more tables.

“What did they say to you when they saw you??” she asked me.

“Sorry??” I begged her pardon.

“What did they say to you when they saw you??” she repeated.

I contemplated her question for a second and understood what she meant to ask. She was asking that what the other students said or think, or gave me stares when they saw me, who is a fifth-former carrying the tables upstairs.

“They didn’t say anything.” I replied her question, smiling.

With that, we walked upstairs together. I felt grateful that she didn’t say that she wanted to get more tables or chairs. Now we’re walking upstairs together. I felt nice, wonderful and surely one thing – I’ve helped her once again. Oh, now I remember that I’ve forgotten to tell the story about one Friday, I helped her got through the prefects who did not allow her to pass the Passageway. So, this is the second time I’ve helped her. But really, I really like that feeling of walking upstairs with her. She was behind me and was empty-handed. When both of us reached her class, I again received some amount of stares from her classmates. I wonder what would her classmates think of me, or maybe us…

She thanked me and I said she was welcome. After that, I bid her goodbye and we parted our destination.

Hmm… it’s a really beautiful thing for me. Little things like this really makes me happy. Oh, when I was taking an afternoon nap at home today, after that beautiful incident that happened in between us, I dreamt of her, too!! I dreamt of the same thing, but was more beautiful that I hugged her and said that she was my girlfriend. Not too long after I hugged her in my dreams, somewhere in my dreams, she hugged me, too!! I felt so happy that I think I was smiling broadly while dreaming. In addition, I met her Mum in my dreams and after a little conversation with her Mum, I was surprised that her Mum really approved of me. But really, that was only a dream and when I woke up, I felt really happy and sighed that it was only a dream… a happy dream.

Now that I’m even smiling when writing this. When everything is really blue and dark in your life, just a tiny spark of happiness that happens really ignites all the beauty and evokes the feeling of eternal happiness. I really like this. I really like to be happy. I really love Leng’s sister. I wonder if something nice would happen in between me and her tomorrow, but I surely want to see her again, tomorrow.

A Trip Back To My Past – My Primary School

Last year, during the mooncake festival, my little sister (6 years younger than me) said Puay Chai was currently organizing a mooncake festival on one of the days, starting in the evening ending about 10pm or so.

Apparently, my sister and I both attend the same primary school. I left my primary school for secondary school in the year of 2003.

So I went back to my primary school on that day, with memories filling my head. Because it was supposed to be a mooncake festival, thus the event is held at night. Despite not being able to see too many things in the dark in the school compound, but I can still feel those memories, still hanging in the air of the places I walk past.

I thought that it was those days – when days were still carefree. Back in those days, I wasn’t an antisocial and introverted person. But still, I still thought a little differently from my friends, but that wasn’t too obvious.

The gates leading upstairs to the floors above were all locked. I sighed – how I wished that I could go upstairs, and recall again all those beautiful memories. Nevertheless, I still walked around the places in school which were open. There are few things that have changed since I left this place – they have built a building above my canteen, which was supposed to be the Computer Lab and all the classrooms now are air-conditioned. It now surely seems more like a private school than a government school.

Of all the things that have changed, one thing that didn’t change at all is the School Hall. The Hall still has that look, those long rectangular four black wooden plates with golden Chinese words engraved on it. There was still a little badminton shop right at that corner of the hall. Most memorable of all is the smell of the hall – it still has got that strong stench smell of wood. The smell of the Hall made me recall back of so many happenings, such as my friends and I lining up in rows and during one occasion and one time, my friends and I scrambled to catch candies thrown up into the air by a clown, during one of our Children’s Day. Back then, I was that little boy, I really love my past personality and childhood.

Little schoolchildren running around and people passing by, all spoke and conversed in Mandarin. The atmosphere really makes me feel at home. Yes, Puay Chai is a Chinese school and I hail from a Chinese-speaking background. I felt freer here, not restricted anymore because I know everyone here can speak Mandarin.

That mooncake festival was almost exactly a year ago. It was yesterday that I had to walk my little sister to tuition, near Puay Chai. So, I took that opportunity to take a stroll around the school. Of course, I didn’t even think of going in because the school would consider me an outsider and besides, it’s the school holidays and who would have business in the school during the school holidays? Thus, I just walked around outside the school, taking a slow stroll around the perimeter of the entire school. Though I wasn’t physically inside the school, but my memories were already inside the school, wandering and recalling back so many memories…

My childhood memories in Puay Chai didn’t really appear in my mind yesterday when I took that stroll around the perimeters of the school. Instead, the thing in my mind was Voon Pang and Leng’s sister. To be frank, Leng’s sister only appeared less than thrice in my mind. All the while, the thing that was only playing in my mind was Voon Pang. Both Voon Pang and Leng’s sister were from this school the previous year. Sometimes, I really am amazed by the co-incidence that my heart is closest to these two people, who hail from the same primary school as I was in before. There aren’t many students from my secondary school who came from Puay Chai, and it must take great fate for me to meet up with them, and have a heart and strong attachment towards these people.

Walking and looking inside the school, I would imagine that Voon Pang was once in there, enjoying her childhood life. What life she’s have to go through now… she’s being so busy with her St. John’s post (apparently, she is currently holding a post in the school St. John’s Board of Directors). In addition, to see her turning point of life in action, because the first year in secondary school is always the turning point of life, that she has met me.

Well, I guess that if she hadn’t turn up in my life, we wouldn’t be in this situation, she wouldn’t need to avoid me, I wouldn’t need to think and experience these stuffs. Despite the experiences that I’ve gone through with her lately wasn’t too good and I’ve done so many things, but I am still grateful that all these things have happened – I’m still grateful that she has turned up in my life. Though it is sad, but it is worth all the effort that I’ve put in.

Like always, we never know when it’s our time and we’ve finally got to go. If it’s my time tomorrow and for that, I really have to go, the only last thing that I would say to her, if I had the chance, would be “Thank you for allowing me to leave you in my heart before I go.” It takes great fate for two people to meet together in life. For every person that crosses our path of life, they play a role, and no matter how significant is their role in our lives, it’s all those big and little things that make a difference in our life. The first and very last wish that I’ll hope for is for Voon Pang to always be happy. And for that, I will feel contented, I will feel peace and thus, I can leave with a light heart, and my heart will always be there, with full of love… and that promise will always be there.

“I can be your Guardian Angel temporarily”

That was what Pey meimei said to me in her comment in my friendster.

She said that she thinks that she’s found her Guardian Angel and because of that, she would no longer be lonely in school anymore. She also says that she will pray for me so that I’ll find my Guardian Angel really, really soon.

Su Cheon Sa – that’s Guardian Angel in Korean. Really, I have never quite put a thought into this thing – into searching my Guardian Angel.

All I know is that the promise (I’ll protect you… trust me… forever…) that I’ve made to only two people in this entire universe means that I’ll be their Guardian Angel… Forever…till Eternity…

I have always been their Guardian Angel since that day I’ve promised them. But now that Pey meimei comes to wish me that I’ll find my Guardian Angel that really gets me thinking of someone being my Guardian Angel. I’ve always been the Guardian Angel there, standing there, watching from afar with so much love in my heart, protecting those two people that I’ve made my promise to – but I’ve never think of someone being My Guardian Angel.

Perhaps I don’t need a Guardian Angel. Perhaps I already have my own Guardian Angel, which is the promise that I’ve made to them. The promise that I’ll protect them, forever… is my Guardian Angel. Thinking and reminding myself of that promise will make me feel strong that I’ve got a great responsibility on me, that will make me go on, without thinking what others would look as me as. The promise, which is my Guardian Angel, will forever be with me, and I’ll forever be with my Guardian Angel, because my Guardian Angel is my promise to them.

Isn’t my Guardian Angel so beautiful?? My Guardian Angel can be with me, and I can also be with my Guardian Angel all the while. As long as I think of my Guardian Angel, then I will feel that I have company, I will feel love, I will feel comfort, I will feel that I’m being protected. This is how much my promise, that is my Guardian Angel means to me. The most beautiful thing of all is that my Guardian Angel and I will be together forever, till eternity.

But really, it hurts my heart a lot when I think that the person that I’ve made my promise to doesn’t realise and appreciate what I’ve done. That feeling and thought makes your heart feel as if it’s being squeezed, then you’ll realise there’s a few drops of tears rolling out from your eyes. But no matter what happens, even if my promise and the things that I’ve done isn’t appreciated or noticed, a promise will still be a promise, a responsibility that I’ve made to you, and it will last forever – I will always be there to protect you, till the day I have to go…

If Everything Didn’t Happen From This Beginning…

I still remembered that day I was in protest that Dad didn’t agree and approve of me studying in SMK Taman Sea. He insisted that SMK Damansara Jaya was a much better school. I wanted to study in SMK Taman Sea is because many of my friends will be furthering their studies there after their Lower 6 education in our common primary school, Puay Chai. But alas, I gave in to Dad’s decision to send me to SMK Damansara Jaya for my secondary education… for my teenage years to all be spent there…

If Dad didn’t make the decision to send me to this school, I doubt that I will end up here today.

If the school didn’t put me in that sports House and class that I was in during my first year… I doubt that I will ever meet that girl that I once had feelings for 4 years, and all the experiences gained that moulded my wiseness.

But that was all the past. Now what matters most is the experiences and the situation I’m currently in:

If I didn’t follow my friend into this club, I wouldn’t have the chance of sitting in that meeting where I first met Voon Pang.

If I hadn’t met Voon Pang, I wouldn’t even have promised her that I’ll protect her, forever, I wouldn’t be there to share those laughter with her during our first moments of becoming friends. I wouldn’t be there to give her Kiss The Rain music score. I wouldn’t be there to receive the nougat from her. I wouldn’t be there to give her those chocolates that she loved so much. ‘

I wouldn’t be there… to give her those last chocolates and printed out those extracts from my blog about her, explaining how I felt at those precise moments when I was with her, and the moments when I was separated physically from her…

I wouldn’t be there… to end the whole story between us in this way.

“Kean Lee, you’re crazy.”

So, there, you’ve seen and ‘experienced’ my whole secondary school life – how it started, and how it ended. Don’t you think I’m crazy?? Even I myself think I’m crazy. What’s the point if I sigh over these things?? What’s the point if you feel pity for me?? What’s the point… if I keep thinking back on all these experiences??

Many people can say many things but it doesn’t matter of what others think, because it’ll make no difference. The only difference that will be most meaningful, and the one I’ve always been waiting for, is for Voon Pang to realise this.

Sometimes, you realise that you’ve put in so much effort and heart into someone, but to only realise that the person actually doesn’t even see you at all these while. How could that person appreciate for all that you’ve done??

That’s when you feel that you’re crazy when you realise that all these while you’ve been walking in the dark – you’ve been that shadow. You’ve been protecting that person from harm all the while. You’ve been trying your best to ensure that, that person will be safe, and will get all the good things. You realise that the whole thing has ended, without that person knowing you at all, without that person appreciating you at all…

So it is true that everything has to come to an end. It’s the end here. What do I have to say? The only fact that is that the whole story, the whole experience has to end in such a sad way. There, I would be sailing off to another phase of life awaiting me ahead. But then, I will never forget these moments in my secondary school life… forever…

Perhaps these memories will be the most beautiful memories in my entire life from today onwards, because I doubt there would be more beautiful memories in life other than this. But for me to say that, might not be true too, because I have yet to experience the long journey ahead of me.

Sometimes, I just wish I can get married with my memories. They are the most beautiful things in life that is so abstract – we can’t hold them, but they are always in out mind.

The Ending Story

Story about Friday (17/08/07)

Note: This post is quite lengthy (go grab a cuppa while reading - it's 10 pages in Microsoft Word) and the reason why I didn’t split it into two parts is because it’s like an epilogue of a story, such as the last episode of a drama, and thus, I would prefer the whole thing to go into a single post – The Ending Story.

When someone’s time is up, he would want to go peacefully. He doesn’t want his family members crying over his demise. He wouldn’t want to leave a cloud of sorrow for his family just because it’s his time and he’s got to go. And for himself, all he wants is the happiness of his family and he wants to go with a happy memory – a happy ending in his life.

I’ve been writing so much about Voon Pang and my experiences with her. There isn’t much time left for me to be in this school. But today is the last day that we can see each other. Today’s the last day of our club meeting and there isn’t anymore Taekwondo training till next year. So, this means that today’s the last day that I’ll be staying back after school, and I won’t be staying back anymore after this Friday. Indirectly speaking, today’s the last day that I’ll be meeting Voon Pang.

Since it is the last club meeting, the club’s tradition is to have some farewell party by organising some food-party. And for this, we’ve decided to order Dominos’ Pizza for the food and get some drinks. We chose Dominos’ because the shop is only walking distance from out school and it’s fast.

I remembered that a fortnight ago, I told Voon Pang about this and she said that she preferred Pepperoni Pizza to Hawaiian Pizza. Because of that, I was determined that I’m going to get that for her, and will save a few slices for her, just in case all the other students finish them up before I can get to give it to her. In addition, a few days ago, I thought that I could as well get her favourite chocolate for her.

In addition, for the fact that I knew that this is going to be the last club meeting, thus, I’ve printed out extracts from my blog that I wrote about her. The reason I did this is because I doubt that she visits my blog, and I’ve written a lot about my experiences and thoughts about her in my blog, and since this is likely to be the last time that I’ll be meeting her, thus I wanted her to understand how were my feelings in those moments when I was and wasn’t with her. I wanted her to understand the reason why I did those things and everything for her, and how much she means to me. These few papers will explain everything, just in case we wouldn’t have the time to spend with each other where I would be explaining everything to her verbally in person.

When my school session was over, my friend and I headed to Dominos and placed our order. I insisted hard that Chicken Pepperoni must be in the order because I promised myself that I’ll be getting Voon Pang that pizza. After placing the order, my friend and I then headed towards Giant supermarket in Atria (a shopping mall near our school) to get soft drinks as for the party’s beverage. After choosing the drink that we’re going to buy, I then hunted for the chocolate. After searching for that specific chocolate for what seemed like 5 minutes, I was then only told that they don’t sell it there. I was quite surprised how a supermarket as big as Giant wouldn’t sell a chocolate so popular like that. We were running out of time – the meeting has already started and the foods are still not on the table, yet. To add pressure to the problem, I’m still pacing high and low here hunting for that chocolate. Fortunately, my friend cleared my mind-block and told me that perhaps I could try my luck in 7-Eleven which is located nearer to my school.

I ran back to Dominos’ to see if our order was ready. When I got back to Dominos’ our order wasn’t ready yet, but was almost done. I waited for another three minutes and finally it was all done. I got the pizza whilst my other friends helped out with the other boxes of pizzas and I instantly ran to 7-Eleven. I didn’t care whether I looked silly running with two pizzas in the white plastic bag and running into 7-Eleven when everyone was looking at me – all that matters is that I get those chocolates for Voon Pang and that’s the most important thing at that moment.

To my greatest relief, 7-Eleven does sell that chocolate and I got 2 packets for her. I searched for a bigger box instead of packets but to no avail, they don’t sell bigger packets or boxes of those chocolates. But anyways, I grabbed those 2 packets of chocolates, paid, and quickly ran back to school. Time was really running short. The meeting is supposed to begin at 12.45pm but the time is already 1.10pm.

I thought I looked even sillier now, walking into the School Gate, being watched by some students. I really didn’t care what they thought of me and I was beginning to tell myself that I was crazy to be doing all these – why am I thinking and sacrificing so much for Voon Pang and everything.

Nearing the classroom where the meeting is being held, my heart beat faster and faster. I told myself that just in a very few steps and then I’ll be meeting Voon Pang and I’ll be giving her those chocolates, Pepperoni Pizza and those stories about her, extracted from my blog personally. I felt exited, nervous, anxious and afraid at the same time.

Even before my foot landed into the class, my eyes were already automatically scanning frantically. Well, I just didn’t believe what I saw. The first emotion I felt when I saw the scene is the feeling of my heart falling off from a high place. She wasn’t in class. I just walked in slowly, aimlessly, and at that moment, if I could still think, then I would be thinking of where all my feelings went. I felt so empty, so lost and so disappointed.

I’ve done so much preparations, both physically and mentally. The two packets of chocolate, the Pepperoni pizza, those printed extracts of my blog and I really want to see and talk to her. The feeling is far worst than the scene of not getting even a single friend attending your birthday party. I was wondering where I was standing at that moment, was I really dreaming??

I took a while to get over it and then when I got a better grip of myself, I then remembered about the Pepperoni Pizza. Because I was busy getting over my disappointment and the fact that she wasn’t here, I almost forgotten about the Pepperoni pizza that I firmly insisted it to be on the order list because I wanted to give some for Voon Pang. I quickly rummaged and opening the unopened boxes of pizza but they were all not Pepperoni pizzas. I turned my head behind to only see two opened pizzas at the corner of the class, being swarmed already by a crowd of students. I just couldn’t believe my luck, of the very two boxes which were Pepperoni pizzas, two of them were at that corner and swarmed by hungry students grabbing them frantically as if there’s a Mega Sale going on there.

I dashed to that corner and only to realise that they were only two pizzas left in a box and a few more in another box. One was Pepperoni and the other was Hawaiian. I was initially planning to at least leave three slices of Pepperoni pizza for Voon Pang.

“Erm, oh no… can you leave two slices for me please?? I’ll be back really soon.” I told them.

“Sure, no problem.” A student called out.

“Please yeah, thanks, yeah!!”

I said that “I’ll be back soon” because I wanted to go look for Voon Pang and I guessed that she must have been in St. John’s room or something. That thought came up to me because last Friday, I saw her bag on the bench outside the St. John’s room. Immediately, I ran out of the class heading to the canteen, hoping to see her there. Well, I wasn’t really hoping to see her at the same time, because if we meet, what will I be saying to her?? But at the same time as well, I hoped to see her. My feelings were all mixed, like a jug of 99-in-1 mixed juice of all sorts.

I scanned the canteen but to no avail, still did not see her anywhere. I even searched for her bag at the place that I’ve once seen her place her bag. The last resort could only be St. John’s room which was just a few metres away. I walked there with my heart beating faster and faster. Upon nearing the door of the St. John’s room, I saw some people standing outside the room, and no doubt that they were members of this club. I spotted Voon Pang’s bag on the bench and I was really feeling even bluer at that sight – she chose St. John’s meeting to our very own, last club meeting. Fortunately, to my relief, I spotted my friend, Daryl, and I gestured him to come close to me because I wanted to talk to him. I couldn’t go to him because if I were too close to the door, then Voon Pang would her see me outside the door and must have thought what’s happening.

“Hi. Erm…” I spoke with lots of pause in between my sentences. I was gapping and nervous all at the same time. “Can you just… tell me what’s happening inside??” I gestured into the St. John’s room.

“Well, we’re having a meeting. St. John’s meeting.” Daryl replied.

“Oh… I see… hmm…” So Voon Pang’s having a meeting and she chose this meeting instead of our club, that explains everything. “Erm… I just wanna ask… if you saw… erm… Voon Pang?? Is Voon Pang inside??” I added.

“Voon Pang?? Ohh, she just went out.” He said.

“Where?? What time?? When??” I asked in a tone that sounded like a desperate man looking for his family.

“She just went out, directly before you came here. She actually just walked pass you, you know?? Just exactly when she left, you came.” He said, gesturing the path that she took.

“So she didn’t see me at all?? She didn’t see me??” I thought that she must have ignored or didn’t see me at all.

I looked to the grey concrete ground and exhaled, then looked up and asked “So where she went and what time will she be back??”

“She just went to the pavilion or something and will be back in about ten minutes or so.” He said.

“The problem is… I don’t have ten minutes.”

“Don’t worry, she’ll be back real fast, maybe less than ten minutes.”

“Never mind, just tell her that she’s got meeting…”

“Nehh…” Daryl pointed behind my back. “There she is… coming back already”

When Daryl said that, my heart beat went to its maximum – I can’t see her because if I do, I wouldn’t know what I would say by then.

“Oh no… erm, just tell her that she’s got meeting. Just tell her that. I’ve got to go now.” And with that, I said to Daryl, running away from another way and was feeling so painful, so sad and recalling back of what just had happened.

Daryl is a third-former and he speaks fluent English – more like proficient till he’s got some professional accent. I got to know him about three years ago in some Badminton training centre, which then I later quitted. I really like this guy; his personality is really nice and he’s got some looks, too. I liked him even more when I asked him outside the St. John’s room about Voon Pang and he didn’t question me a lot but answered my desperate questions first. He’s such a nice person, really.

I went back into the classroom and was wondering what I am to do with the chocolates, Pepperoni pizza and those papers that I’ve printed. A few seconds after I stepped back into the class, the boy who promised me that he’ll keep two slices for me said to me: “Here are the two slices you ask me to keep for you.” I thanked him and the opened the box to see that if they were really Pepperoni pizzas.

To my greatest dismay, he saved two slices of pizzas for me, but they were both Hawaiian. I then remembered that they were two boxes of pizzas there, one Hawaiian and the other Pepperoni and when I asked him to help me keep two slices of pizza, I didn’t specify which pizza to keep for me. I felt so bad, so bad that I feel like knocking my head on the wall until it bleeds – I’ve just failed to fulfil my promise to myself that I’ll keep a few slices of Pepperoni pizza for Voon Pang. If only Voon Pang had come, I wouldn’t be sad and got distracted till I forgot to give her that pizza. Anyways, I needn’t be too sad, too, because Voon Pang isn’t here to eat the pizzas anyway and if the guy saved two slices of Pepperoni pizza for me, I would still end up finishing all of them by myself.

I’ve once mentioned about this girl, who sits beside Voon Pang and she was the person that I pleaded her help to pass the chocolates to Voon Pang about two months ago. At that time, that was my first chocolate gift to Voon Pang. Well, this girl’s name is called Li Li. I really feel pitiful for her, really. She’s just so quiet, so nice and just so lady-like and everything. The reason why I pity her is because she’s so quiet that she wouldn’t even say a single word during the whole club meeting, if she isn’t asked any questions. And yes, she joins the same club as me and Voon Pang, too.

I saw Li Li eating the pizza and she was just there, sitting quietly all alone. Her right arm was folded and her left hand was holding a pizza. Though I was feeling all blue about Voon Pang and everything about my experience, the sight of Li Li sitting all alone there, whereas everyone else is socializing and being so chatty, made me feel so pitiful for her. I have a soft-side for feeling pity for people easily, and that feeling always makes me feel motivated to help them. I really want to describe the scene where I saw Li Li eating, especially the way she ate because, I felt so much pity for her at that moment till I quite almost forgot about the entire class. She was sitting down on a brown plastic chair, right arm folded into her left arm whilst her left hand was holding a pizza and her eyes were staring dreamily, to the front. She was eating and chewing slowly and looked so lady-like, so soft and delicate looking, somewhat like watching a statue eating, or you could even say that you’re watching a robot eating. I’ve never seen someone eating in such a style before, it is certainly strange to be eating dreamily. Now I’m having the scene in my mind that is telling me that the scene could be depicted like those characters in the horror movie. But to see her eat in that way was attractive in a way that was beautifully nice, and surprisingly calm. Calm till the extend that you don’t even need classical music’s to soothe your mind, because just watching her seems to alleviate all woeful feelings and emotions. Li Li really has got that aura of pureness and sincerity in her that words cannot describe. Then I had a thought of why wouldn’t I fall for Li Li instead, since she’s got such a beautiful personality. Why did I fall for Leng’s sister instead?? Then, I realise that it’s the personality and that look when I look into Leng’s sister’s eyes. Li Li’s eyes didn’t shine that personality that I love, but Leng’s sister’s eyes did. I was happy at the same time, because this proved that I was loyal to Leng’s sister and feeling neutral towards other girls.

I went over to her and I greeted Li Li, and as usual, she greeted me softly, almost inaudible. I smiled at her, trying to ask her to eat more. Back in my mind, I was thinking of asking her a favour – a favour of asking her to pass the chocolates and papers to Voon Pang since I can entrust her and she also sits beside Voon Pang. I now wonder if I can have Daryl as my brother and Li Li as my sister, how nice that would be.

If it wasn’t for Li Li being in class, I don’t think I even want to be in class. Everyone at that moment was busy eating and opening the soft-drinks. I was partially drenched in sweat, feeling tired and exhausted. Not really exhausted physically, but exhausted feelings and mind and because of that, I didn’t eat, but merely watched the others eating happily. I guess I was feeling a little hungry, but I really didn’t have the mood to eat. I sat on the chair next to Li Li and asked her is she was full.

“You should eat more.” I said to her and then walked towards a box of pizza, and brought it to her. “Here, eat more.” I opened the box and offering her to take more. How I wished that I was offering that to Voon Pang instead of having to be here, offering someone else that I feel pity for.

“Nono, I’m full already.” Li Li exclaimed with a higher tone. I was slightly taken aback because this is the first time I hear her talking in a higher tone.

I guess she was shy (and nervous that made her reply me in a higher tone) that the people around us were looking at me offering her and she was feeling pressured to have receive some attention.

I returned the box of pizza to its original place, walked back and sat beside Li Li once again.

I smiled at her unnaturally, then looked to the ground. I was actually wanting to ask that favour from her, but was in dilemma of whether I should do this (about giving Voon Pang the chocolates and papers).

“Li Li, erm… can you do me a favour??” I asked her in a polite tone.

“Okay.” She replied in her usual short-reply answers.

When Li Li agreed to do me a favour, I immediately stood up, grabbed by bag from the chair behind her and took out my file. Then, I slowly and carefully took out two stapled sheets of papers, ensuring that it wasn’t creased at all. I paused there, my mind was running everywhere frantically – I was still debating hard in my mind on whether I should give this to Voon Pang.

Li Li was then looking at me. She didn’t say anything, but was merely waiting for me to tell her of what favour I’m about to ask her. I was still sitting down, with the chocolate and papers in my hands. I looked up and smiled at Li Li unnaturally; I was in great dilemma. The decision that I’m about to make will either leave me in regret or happiness later. Finally, after what seemed like five minutes, I finally spoke to Li Li.

“Erm… can you please pass this to Voon Pang??” I placed the chocolates and papers on the table.

“Okay.” she said without an expression shown on her face.

“Well, please give it to her, and not letting anyone know about this.” I said. I paused for a moment, then added “Please don’t let anyone read those papers. It’s about her… I mean… if you want… you can read it lah, but then that’s okay…”

“No, I won’t read it.” She said instantly.

I said that she can read it because I find that she’s got the right to know what’s all these about of me asking her favour to pass it to Voon Pang. Anyways, it isn’t really something that private if I can ask her to pass it to Voon Pang.

“No lah… if you’re wondering… no… I don’t like her.” I said in a tone like someone answering a question. I said that because I believed that she might have wondered if I had feelings for her but didn’t dare to ask me.

Li Li didn’t say a word. Many things I want to say to Voon Pang personally, but how could I ever have thought of letting some of these words be explained in those papers and asking Li Li to pass it to her.

“Just tell her to not read it in school… because it’s something very private to her.” I said.

“Okay.” Li Li agreed.

“Thanks. I really feel… hmm… grateful that you… can… erm… help me.” I said appreciatively. “Thanks” I thanked her again.

I felt as if I’m being really long-winded. But, I had to be long-winded, because there’s no other way around this. There are just so many things that I want to tell her, but she’s not her and I have to resort to my last alternative.

I leaned back on the chair I was currently sitting and began to think of everything that had happened just now, about my running to Dominos and insisting for Pepperoni pizza, running into Atria to find the chocolate for her, then running to 7-Eleven to search for the same chocolate, running back to the school to rush for the meeting and to see her, running to the canteen and St. John’s room to search for her, and finally asking Li Li’s favour to help pass those things to her. I’ve certainly done quite some running today and feeling a little exhausted from everything.

“Eh?? Kean Lee, ni bu chi ah??” my friend sitting next to me asked me in Chinese, asking me that why am I not eating.

I merely smiled and swayed my head left and right gently at my friend. How could someone have the appetite to eat after so many events happened at the same time?? There wasn’t much time before the afternoon session students have to start their lesson and I spent the remaining time of the last club meeting of the year with Li Li, asking how Voon Pang’s condition is and how well she’s doing in class.

When the bell finally rang, the afternoon session students were all starting to exit the class. I followed them out, with a hope in my heart that perhaps I could see Voon Pang from afar. Passing through the Teacher’s corridor and looking over the garden to see if Voon Pang’s bag was still on the bench, outside St. John’s room, but to only see that her bag wasn’t there anymore. Then, I walked to the canteen, wanting to clear my mind because my mind was so blocked by thoughts.

I’ve said this many times before, but now that I’m writing this, I feel like as if I’m a character in a drama, a love drama. I’m character that is being played and directed so fictionally, as if everything is so unreal, so controlled, and a very well plotted love drama. Life is really like a drama isn’t it?? Don’t you think so?? Sometimes things just happen as if it’s from a very well planned and plotted storyline that you realise everything just happened so fast, without you actually realising everything has happened and it’s too late to turn back time. From the experiences I’ve gone through, I’ve learned how to appreciate things even more at all times, because I know that I will never have that same chance, to be standing there at that precise moment.

So, after all I’ve done today, the bell has finally rang and I didn’t get to see or talk to her. I was utterly disappointed and sad. I walked near the St. John’s room and was trying to see if Voon Pang’s still there. I was walking the other way to the room, trying to peep from the side of the walls to see if she’s still there. For the fact that I was lacking in bravery and was nervous at the same time, I didn’t attempt to hide behind the walls to see if she was there, because if she sees me, then thoughts will be generating in her mind, such as, “Is Kean Lee following and spying on me??”, which isn’t true because the reason is only that I’m really concerned about her.

I stood there for a moment, hiding behind the walls that was facing the car park but not attempting to peep. Of all a sudden, Daryl walked through that way. Instantly, Daryl asked me what’s going on with me and her but I told him that it’s a quite complicated to explain.

I walked with him to the canteen and I asked him about the St. John’s club and what’s going on inside the club. I asked whether is Voon Pang getting too much stress from the post that she’s currently holding. From the whole conversation, I learnt a few things – firstly, Voon Pang’s alright, so Daryl said I needn’t worry about her. Secondly, I also asked him of what degree of post I should honour her with, taking into consideration of burden from her current post in St. John’s - Daryl said I should not give her a post that is significantly high, for it might be of extra burden on her, which I wouldn’t want that to happen.

Lastly, before my conversation with Daryl ended, I pleaded to him to make sure that Voon Pang doesn’t experience too much burden. I said to him it’s because in the following year, I wouldn’t be here anymore and because of that, I couldn’t really keep a lookout as I could still do currently. I also pleaded him to try, if possible, to transfer some on her burden towards other members. Although this might seem to create an unfair atmosphere regarding the unequal weightage of work, but I explained to him to Voon Pang’s still in her early years of secondary school and it’s definitely not ridiculous to do so. I believe a person of intelligence like him should be able to fathom what I’m trying to convey to him. I thanked him and bid him goodbye, before I started walking slowly again, and thinking about everything that had just happened.

I walked back to the class where we had our club meeting and had the clean up the mess after the party. I then remembered that I didn’t eat just now and felt a slight tinge of hunger now, so I opened up the remaining box of pizza which wasn’t empty to find that there were only 4 slices of pizza left. As I was eating, two of my friends who were both so unthoughtful (although they knew that I didn’t eat just now and I’m hungry now) just grabbed a slice each from the remaining three (one was already in my hand) and left me with only a slice left. I felt so bad; moreover, they did it in front of me, when the box of pizza was in my hands.

I walked home alone after that, rethinking of everything and consoling myself. How worst could it be?? It’s the last club meeting, I’ve done preparations and plans, bought and got everything ready, but she didn’t turn up. I am disappointed. I am utterly disappointed at myself as well. If I could have done better, perhaps things wouldn’t turn up this way. Perhaps I’ve done well, but I still have a problem with nerves and an issue of bravery in my heart. And so, there it was – the last day I stayed back; the last chance I can get to have a good chat with her – but everything turned up the other way that I had expected. Life has its ups and downs doesn’t it?? But when the downs greatly outnumber the ups, then there’s where we learn from these great experiences. What a great memory today’s experience will be.

Anticipated Saturday (11/08/07) (Part 2/2)

Story about Saturday (11/08/07) (Part 2/2)

Both the girl and I were called out. I gestured to Dad to the video recording now. I wouldn’t go into the details of how the grading went because it’ll be a dull story. Everything went fine when I was being graded but there were some small and some large blunders. However, I’ll tell you some interesting parts.

Firstly, this grading was relatively easier compared to my previous grading because Master asked us to only perform simple movements (almost the same as the white belt syllabus). Secondly, the biggest blunder I made is that I finished at the wrong side when I was doing my Taeguk 8.

Before I continue, let me explain what ‘Taeguk’ means. Taeguk are actually standardized movement patterns ranging from 18-30 moves per Taeguk. In the WTF (World Taekwondo Federation) system which I’m currently in, there are 8 Taeguk’s – meaning there are 8 patterns. A Taekwondo trainer will begin to learn Taeguk 1 beginning from Yellow 1 until Taeguk 8 which ends at Red/brown 2. For each and every Taeguk the Taekwondo trainer has to know and memorise them well before their grading. For example, if you’re Yellow 1 going Yellow 2, you will be asked to perform Taeguk 1 and you must already know the movements in your head – because you practically memorise them. It may seem hard to memorise 18-30 movements, but when you get used to it and practice it often, it becomes much simpler than it seems. Thus, when you’re a Black belt, you’re supposed to know all the 8 Taeguk’s by heart. Oh, Taeguk’s are only patterns for the Taekwondo trainers below Black-belt. For Black-belts and above (which is Dan 1 till Dan 8), there are still 8 other patterns, and each pattern is for the respective Dan.

So for my blunder that I have finished my Taeguk 8 in the wrong side, you could only conclude that I was lousy and didn’t really memorise my Taeguk well.

But the final one will be wooden plank breaking. Well, I don’t know of other training centres, but only the people who are taking Black-belt will only have the chance to break wooden planks. Meaning, if you’re not taking Black-belt, you wouldn’t have to break any wooden planks. Because I’m taking Black-belt grading this time, thus I’m required to break planks. If you’ve read the post that I’ve written last year (I guess in the month of December), I was given the opportunity to break a wooden plank during my demonstration for my headmistress’ retirement. So, this is my second time getting the chance to break planks. However, there is both excitement and fear when it comes to breaking planks. The excitement is that you have the golden opportunity to break a plank, and the fear is that, if you fail to break the plank – you fail your grading.

I became very excited when everything was quite over and it’s the last stage now which is plank breaking. Because I’m a boy, so I got to go first. Girls come next after boys because they’re supposed to break wooden planks of a smaller thickness. I wondered how thick my wooden plank would be this time, and when Master brought the plank towards me, my eyes opened wide – it was at least 2cm thick. So, Master wasn’t joking about the thickness that day – the wooden plank sure is pretty thick.

My first move to break the plank was supposed to be turning kick. I adjusted my stance a little but was then asked to not be so flexible by a senior because I have to follow standards set by the Examination Board. I thought that since this is going to be it, and the plank is quite thick, so I will just hit it with my greatest force and speed. However, at the same time, I couldn’t hit at my maximum impact because if I did that, I wouldn’t aim the plank well and could have missed it. I didn’t have much time left to think, people were already looking at me with a look of anticipation.

There I went, I turned will and hit with my upper part of my right foot. The sound of the wooden plank broke with a “Booooom”, and that sound made when the kick landed on the wood was nice because it says that the plank if broken. I wasn’t really aware and didn’t expect the plank to break at my first kick and my mind was still gathering facts to prove that the plank has really broken.

Was it painful?? It’s not exactly pain, but a feeling that my sole of my foot has hit something hard. Frankly, it’s not as painful as all the other people tell you that plank breaking is really painful.

The second plank was supposed to be broken with side-step sidekick. I didn’t really liked that kick so instead, I jumped a little making it look like a jumping half-side-step sidekick. Only at my third attempt I did break the plank. You’re only given three attempts to break the plank and I successfully did it at my last attempt. The first two attempts were a failure because I didn’t aim well and my first attempt landed on the hand of my friend – pity him.

The third and fourth plank was supposed to be elbowing and strike respectively. Both of these two planks were broken at the first attempt. However, because Master ran out of stock (2cm thick wooden plank) at my fourth plank, he gave me a thinner wooden plank instead (about 1cm thick) and when my strike landed on that plank, it surely seemed twice easier and twice less pain to break that plank.

The girl?? She broke planks of thickness of about 1cm. The sound when her plank broke wasn’t as loud as mine but she did as well as I did but she was only asked to break 3 planks instead of four – should I say that’s unfair towards me??

After the plank breaking ended, we bowed to our Masters and seniors. Then, as I was about to walk away, the Examiner called the girl and me back. Zhi Wen had to excuse himself because he had to leave for home as it’s already 5pm and school for the afternoon session has ended.

Zhi Wen patted me on my back. I looked back and he said: “Tell me how it went ah.”

“No problem. I’ll tell you next time. Thanks ar.” I said to him hastily with a smile, then turned back to listen to what the Examiner has got to say.

The girl and I were both asked to fill in a pink form entitled “MTF Registration Form”. I had an idea that since we were both asked to fill in our particulars in this form, it could only mean that we’ve passed. My Master beside us chuckled and said that if we’re asked to fill in this form, it means that we’ve passed.

Everything ended. I walked out the School Hall to see my parents waiting for me outside. They asked me how it went and I told them everything.

After the whole Taekwondo thing, I came back and went online. Pey meimei who was appearing offline in my MSN suddenly messaged me. We chatted a little and I said that I’ll call her later in the night. I have promised to call her the week before this because today’s the day before her birthday. I wanted to have a very long chat with her on the phone at night, because this is going to some present to her since I can’t give a present to her physically because she lives quite a distance away from me.

Pey meimei miss called me at around 11.30pm to indicate that it was clear at her place that I could call her house phone. So we did chat, but only for about 30 minutes and when the time touched 12am, I could hear ringing sounds from her cell phone. I thought that she must have been quite popular enough to have received so many birthday wishes from her friends. Because her phone was really ringing quite busily, she excused herself saying that she’ll be calling me back in five minutes.

I was just left there lying on my bed, waiting for five minutes to pass. After waiting for about an hour plus where my clock reads 1.15am, she finally miss called me. Frankly, I was about to fall asleep at that moment waiting for her call, but I was wide awake again when my cell phone rang. I called her through my house phone and we continued chatting for more than two hours which lasted till about 3.18am (I guess I heard her yawning already and her Dad caught her on the phone in the wee hours of the night, so she had to excuse herself). I guess that made her happy for I’ve spent a long time being with her on the phone because it’s her birthday. I’m happy, too because at least I’ve done something for her birthday.

There, what an eventful week it has been – Thursday, Friday and today which is a Saturday. Though there are nice things and unpleasant things that both happened in the same week, we still have to continue on walking this path of life. Whether we like it or not, all these things will come to an end one day and it’ll forever remain in our memories. Life is like that, it has it ups and downs and we just have to keep living to see what’s going to happen tomorrow.