Anticipated Saturday (11/08/07) (Part 1/2)

Story about Saturday (11/08/07) (Part 1/2)

School is on on this day (there's classes on this day) to replace some Deepavali festival much later nearing the end of the year.

Today, I went to school for three reasons. Firstly is because today’s timetable follows my Friday’s timetable and my Friday’s timetable has got quite important subjects, so I couldn’t afford to skip school today.

The second reason I went to school is because of Voon Pang. Frankly, I don’t know why did this reason came up into my mind, but it just did. Perhaps that my mind is trying to tell me that something nice is going to happen today. But for whatever it is, I just have to come to school for her, perhaps I could ensure that her seating position and her table and chair is in the best condition possible. Perhaps… there are really just so many ‘perhaps’ that I can say – there is no specific reason why she was a reason for me to attend school today. All I can say is that this reason is brought up not by me, but my feelings and she’s really significant in my life.

The third reason is because that I am taking my Taekwondo black-belt grading today. I’ve really anticipated to be a certified black-belt holder, and today’s the day; today’s the day that I’m going for the grading. For five long years, I have been waiting for this moment to come and it’s finally here.

However, even though I should feel anxious and nervous that I’m finally going to go for this grading that I have longed for such a long time, instead, I feel more towards the feeling of calmness and a little blue. I guess it’s because of yesterday that I didn’t get to meet Voon Pang. I guess it’s because I know that this moment has finally got to come – my grading; and the moment has come.

School started at the usual time of 7.20am. When I reached class, I was quite surprised to only see a presence of 11 students (including me). My class has got 35 students and only one-third of them were present today. Maybe I shouldn’t feel too surprised because it’s the exam season has started and students are shutting themselves at home to study. The class next to mine was far worst, only 2 students present. There were also 2 more classes in my year with only 1 student present. And because of the small number of students who came to school today, the school was relatively quiet today and it’s really peaceful.

Lessons were as usual, but just less interesting because teachers themselves weren’t quite in the mood for teaching. Once school ended, I took my time to pack my stuff before walking down to the canteen. What a peaceful day it was, the school was almost deserted except for the chatters from the afternoon students who had to attend school for the afternoon session. Taekwondo grading is scheduled to commence at 2.30pm. The time on my watch reads 12.30pm and it’s time for lunch. Because I didn’t want to eat the food served in my school canteen, I paced around the same spot in the canteen for some moments, before finally walking out the school to have lunch outside school.

Many of my friends didn’t attend school today. I walked out the school alone and had lunch alone. Well, even if my friends came to school, I’ll still be having lunch alone, which wouldn’t make any difference at all. Hmm… though I’m having lunch all alone, and that’s a very normal thing for me, but how much I felt that I wanted someone beside me to talk to, or just be with me. At this time, only two people emerged in my thoughts: Voon Pang and Pey meimei. I knew that Pey meimei surely couldn’t be with me because she’s so far away from me and besides, she’s got loads of other things to bother her and I would just be another nuisance. Voon Pang on the other hand, the thought of her made my heart felt painful, and because of that, I stopped thinking and continued eating on my hot bowl of noodles. My heart felt more painful that I was alone, how I felt and how things around me are happening, but I ignored my feelings and only opened my mouth wide enough to put that spoonful of noodles into my mouth.

I walked alone, back to school after lunch. There was still so much time, so I walked at a slower pace. To deviate my wandering thoughts that will lead me to nowhere, I imagined of how it would be like afterwards when I will be taking my grading, I wondered how many people would be present today for the grading, I wondered that if it would be like the previous time that there was so many graders until it practically flooded the School Hall.

I sat down on the bench in the canteen. The afternoon sky gave in to my mood of feelings at that time. I was feeling sentimental and the skies were being filled with blue clouds. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. What a long week it has been. Thursday – I saw Voon Pang but she was reluctant to even greet me, what’s more talking to me. Friday – I saw Voon Pang for that few seconds and searched her all around the school but couldn’t find her. Saturday – I missed Voon Pang and Pey meimei so much. I wanted to explain everything. Of all the weeks that I was feeling emotionally well, my grading had to fall on this week. I sighed and told myself that I had better enjoy all these for I wouldn’t know what college life in the coming year will be like.

Finally, people were beginning to come out of their classes and already dressed decently in their Taekwondo uniforms. Because that both Taekwondo grading and the school is on, thus, the afternoon session students who are taking the grading and the seniors (Poom and Black-belts) who are supposed to help out have to excuse themselves from their classrooms to attend the grading. (Poom and Black-belts are present to help to organize the students into their respective rows minutes before their grading commences, and try to help them in their Taekwondo grading syllabus before they go in to take their grading.)

I was wondering if Voon Pang was aware that I’m in Taekwondo club and even if she knows that I’m taking my Taekwondo grading today. Anyways, even if she knew, I still wondered if she would wish me luck. Then, I began to imagine the scene where she actually wished me luck and how elated my feelings would be.

Just after a few minutes, there were more people starting to emerge out of their classes. Not too long after that, many people were beginning to crowd the School Hall as if there’s some fish market party going in there. Goodness, this grading is surely going to blast the School Hall. Usually, belt holders of the higher ranking such as blue and brown/red will not arrive so early because if they do, they’ll have to wait for the junior belts to finish their grading before theirs commence, and that will take a long time (usually an hour or two of waiting time). The grading goes in an ascending order of colour (ranking) of belts. Now that the hall is mostly filled by white, yellow and green belts only, it seemed to already occupy the entire School Hall.

The school bell rang and it was currently recess for the afternoon session students. Now, not only the Taekwondo graders were flooding the hall, students who aren’t involved joined the crowd as spectators. At this rate, I think the Hall is really going to collapse in a very second. I didn’t want to be inside there because if I do, I’m the only red belt inside there and I surely would be asked to be some role-model or something not very nice. Thus, I went outside to sit. At the same time, I was looking out for the presence of Voon Pang. I just sat outside the School Hall quietly and moving my head everywhere to spot the slightest shadow of her. To no avail, I still did not see her anywhere. I had the idea that perhaps that she didn’t attend school today because who would want to spend a Saturday in school, attending boring lessons.

There was this Poom belt boy, very much younger looking than me, who came over to me and said: “Hi Keen Lee.” I chuckled and asked “How did you know me??”

“I’ve seen you in class a few times.” he replied.

“Oh…” I began to remember this boy. “Hello.” I finally greeted him. “It’s Kean Lee by the way, not Keen Lee, haha.” I added politely.

“Oh, sounds hard to remember, Kean Lee, Keen Lee… is it okay I call you KL??” he asked.

“Mmm…” I thought for a moment. “Sure, anything you like to call me.” I said.

I remember this little boy, his name is Zhi Wen. I’ve seen him a couple of times in my class. Apparently, he’s in the afternoon session, a student who uses me class in the afternoon session – in the common class as Voon Pang. Then I began remembering that Voon Pang used to tease him.

I chatted with this guy and kept asking him about how was class – and how was Voon Pang doing in class and everything. The more I talked to him, the more I like him. He’s such a nice guy, his personality and everything. His spoken English is definitely incomparable to my inferior standards when I was at his age. Also, through him, I got to a few more other friends of the same age as him. Co-incidentally, the new friends who I made with on this day are all Poom-belts. It was a lucky day for as I got to befriend so many nice people.

The very best of all? I got to know Zhi Wen, who claimed that he was Voon Pang’s pet-brother. Really, hearing that Voon Pang has got such a nice pet-brother makes me feel much better. At least, after I leave school, I can be sure that her pet-brother is still there to take care of her. I advised Zhi Wen to really appreciate this moment because in the coming year, his current classmates might not be with him anymore for as some will advance to other classes. How much I wished that I was Zhi Wen, then Voon Pang wouldn’t have avoided me anymore…

Well, if you would allow me to choose which friend I would want to be closest to in secondary school, I would say it’s definitely going to be Zhi Wen. Just after that few hours that we chatted together, I felt that as long as he’s here, Voon Pang’s friends will be fine and Voon Pang herself would be fine, too. Apparently, Zhi Wen wasn’t the only pet-brother to Voon Pang, but also Voon Pang’s closest friends, too.

“Why not you go grab your bags from your class because I think this is going to end after school.” I said to Zhi Wen and his friend.

At the thought of him going back to class, I thought that he’ll be meeting Voon Pang and I had all those feelings in me again when I thought about her.

“Hey, good idea. Okay, I go get my bags now.” Zhi Wen said. Zhi Wen and his friend both ran upstairs to get their bags.

When they were running, heading to their class, I pictured what Zhi Wen would see in his eyes: Voon Pang and her friends. I thought again that if Zhi Wen would say to them that I’m taking my Taekwondo grading today.

About 3 minutes after they’re gone, here they’re back again, carrying their bags.

Zhi Wen walked towards me, hunching his back a little, clearly showing that he was exhausted from running up and down the flight of stairs. “Madelene and they all say good luck to you…” he said to me, still panting.

I thought for a moment, and was surprised that how they got to know, unless Zhi Wen told them, or they saw me outside the School Hall just now but didn’t turn up to greet me, so I didn’t see them.

“How they know??” I asked Zhi Wen with a happy expression on my face.

“I told them you’re in Taekwondo.” Zhi Wen replied.

“Oh… I see.”

I didn’t attempt to ask too many questions fearing that he’ll smell a rat. Frankly, I’m really glad that Zhi Wen told them that I go for Taekwondo to Voon Pang and her friends. At least that Voon Pang is aware that I’m down here now and I’ll just assume that she’d wished me luck. My feelings were elated at that moment; I really don’t know how to explain my feeling in words.

After a few hours, I was being called into the School Hall, getting me seated down on the wooden floor to be prepared to take my grading. After seating down for a moment, then I remembered that I had brought the camera. I hurried towards my bag, grabbed the camera, and ran back to my seating position. All this while, Zhi Wen has been tagging along with me wherever I went, so he was currently sitting beside me, chatting with each other.

It was just a matter of minutes before my grading commences. I asked Zhi Wen if he could do me a favour – to record the video when I’m being graded using the camera. I handed him the camera and taught him how to do the recording. When everything was done, I became more nervous (because my grading was finally here).

Zhi Wen was being told that he might be chosen to help out later when my grading was being conducted, so he must be prepared to be called out anytime. Because of that, how can he be the one recording my grading?? I looked around for someone trustable to help with the recording and to my surprise, my parents were both standing in the entrance of the hall. My parents have never attended my grading even once all these years, because they were busy, but today, they appeared in my most important grading. I didn’t have much time left to be in awe, I just ran towards them with the camera in my hand, greeted them and quickly taught Dad how to operate the recording function. When everything seemed fine, my grading was really about to start soon, so I ran back and sat down impatiently. I was practically wriggling around because I was feeling nervous. How contradicting, I wasn’t nervous just now but now I am.

Also to my surprise, there were only 2 people this time who are grading for Black-belt. One of them is me, and the other is a girl who’s a Poom-belt. (Poom-belts are ‘junior’ Black-belts who are under the age of 16 and that’s why they cannot take Black-belt until they reach the age of 16 and above. As for my case, I’m 17, so I needn’t go through Poom and instead, can take Black-belt instantly.) I wondered why there were only two of us taking Black-belt grading this time – there used to be quite a number of people taking Black-belt grading every time a grading is being held, how strange I find it.

“Kean Lee, you’re crazy.” (Part 2/2)

Story about Friday (10/08/07)

Just that yesterday, which was a Thursday (09/08/07) that Voon Pang seemed reluctant to greet me, I still had hopes that I could still meet her today.

Friday – a day that I’ve always anticipated. Before I met Leng’s sister and Voon Pang, I liked Fridays for two reasons: firstly is that I have Taekwondo training on Fridays and secondly is that the day after Friday is a holiday.

And now? Fridays are much more eventful than those two reasons. Now I can meet Voon Pang and perhaps see Leng’s sister and talk to her. Again, I remind myself “Kean Lee, you’re crazy, you’re really crazy.” How did I really turn to become like someone so foreign that I wasn’t before like this?? I don’t think I can live longer if this wasn’t my last year in secondary school. I just gave in for everything because this is my last year here, and I’ll just let everything flow in its way because I’ll be a memory in my heart, forever.

School ended as usual, at 12.30pm. I took my time and dilly-dallied packed my bags and put those pens into my pencil case. Then, I walked downstairs with a slow pace, enjoying the beautiful weather. I was happy; I was in a jovial mood because my mind tricked me and put me in that imagination that I will be chatting happily with Voon Pang in a very moment.

When I was having my lunch, I saw Voon Pang. She was quite some distance away from me and because of that, I couldn’t greet her at the sight of seeing her. She was walking into a passageway and I was having my lunch half-way so I couldn’t chase her – students aren’t allowed to bring food out the canteen.

After lunch, I went to look for her. In fact, I looked everywhere, but still couldn’t spot her anywhere. I guess I went around the school about 3 times, searching in every place of her presence. I wanted to ask her how was her nose-bleed last Friday. I wanted to hear her say her appreciation towards what I’ve done. I wanted to hear her voice. I was crazy, it seems that my mind was now in control of myself.

At the same time, I was also in search of Madelene. Firstly is because I wanted to thank her for taking care of Voon Pang when I was actually supposed to be there. Secondly, I wanted to know what happened after I left, I wanted to know if Voon Pang was alright – I wanted to know everything after I gave her those two packets of tissues.

To no avail, after rounds around the school in search for Voon Pang, I failed to find her. But when I saw that her bag was just on the bench, outside the St. John’s room, then only I realised that she must be inside that room. Initially I thought that she must have been avoiding me because I couldn’t find her after searching the entire school. But there she was, inside that room. That explains everything.

What a day it was. The day ended without me getting to even talk to Voon Pang and Madelene. I felt lousy that day. To make things worst, after my Taekwondo, when I was walking back towards to school gate to go home, I passed through the St. John’s bulletin board.

The board was posted with some notices, and as usual, board of directors of the club. I looked out for Voon Pang’s name and saw that her name was indeed there. Standing there at that spot, looking at her name posted there, written in black marker pen, I then understood why she was being so busy. She was apparently holding the post of ‘Publicity’. I didn’t know what ‘Publicity’ meant but I had the idea that it has got something to do with promoting the club or putting their stuffs into their annual magazine or something.

I remembered that I asked her permission if I could give her a post in our society for next year. She said that it was okay, and so, I promised her that I’ll try my best to give her a decent post. Actually, holding a post in a society or club in schools are beneficial in the sense that it gives your extra co-curricular marks. But I still felt that I have to ask her permission if she wanted a post because that might add extra burden on her that she can’t take it, and I wouldn’t want that to happen. Then, now I’m looking at her already holding a post which is so prominent and outstanding in St. John’s and I guess that even if she gets or don’t get a post in out society, that wouldn’t matter to her. Since St. John’s is the highest priority for her, my offer to try my best to give her a post would seem like a waste of effort.

What do I mean that ‘I’ll try to get her a post’ means?? Firstly, I’m currently holding a post in my society and if I were to get her a post, it would be easier for me to settle these things. However, ‘trying to get her a post’ means I still have to appeal to the Teacher Advisor to get her a post and that may still not guarantee her a post. And you know how the appealing procedure is really… tough, that I still have to give the teacher reasons and explanations and let her reconsider my appeal.

Seeing that now Voon Pang already has a post, I sighed, and I told myself what I’m doing and is going to do will all be a waste of effort. I felt that she didn’t need this post so much that I was offering to her after all, and it could have been more worthwhile if I were to give this post to someone who’s more worthy of it, someone who needs this post more than she does – someone who will appreciate all my efforts to get this post for that person who wants this post more than she does.

Something held me back from giving this post to someone else – it was the promise. The promise that I’ll protect her forever held me back. My mind told me that, no matter what happens, no matter what will or has happened in between us, I still have to keep to my promise. Giving her a post also means I’m doing my best to protect her because I’m giving her something that will benefit her. It’s my responsibility, and I will keep to my promise, forever.

“Kean Lee, you’re crazy.” (Part 1/2)

Story about Thursday (09/08/07)

“Kean Lee, you’re crazy.”

“Kean Lee, stop it.”

“Kean Lee, please…”

“Kean Lee, you’re alright… you’re alright...”

“Kean Lee, too many things has happened lately. You need time to rest.”

Those were the words I keep telling myself for the past few weeks. Many, many things have happened lately. But for everything that has happened, I really think I’m going crazy at this rate.

For every experience that we go through, we get closer into ourselves. We discover more about our personality and begin to realise what’s our strong and weak points. And just these few days, I was just thinking, if I was a girl, and there would be a boy out there who had the very same personality like me now, I’ll love that boy really much. What I’m trying to say is that, I realise that I’m in love and really like my personality. It might seem a strange to think of this way, but it will come a time when you actually realise that you love your personality so much.

It was the moment right after my recess bell rang, indicating the start of lessons of again. Apparently, I was sitting alone under then shade of the pavilion. I stood up and reminded myself that today’s Thursday and perhaps I can see Voon Pang today because she comes early on Thursdays for her Chinese class. Then, I told myself that I’m not ready for this – I’m not ready to see her. After things that have happened in between us, I don’t feel ready to see her again. Frankly, I’m more afraid of another bad thing is going to happen in between us again.

As I was walking nearing the bookshop, I remembered that Voon Pang loved to visit the bookshop because the bookstore sells some Dong Bang Shin Ki (DBSK – a famous Korean band) and she buy some of the stuffs there. My mind told me that perhaps that she was inside there, why not I just have a look inside the bookshop to see if she was inside there?? On the other side of my mind, my mind just tells me that I’m not ready for all these – I’m not ready to see her again; I don’t know what to say to her when I see her.

Although I understand that last Friday (03/08/07) that we’ve sat down together and had a chat together in the club meeting, but there was still a feeling, a feeling more towards my instincts that something will not go too well. I was feeling anxious, nervous and I really wouldn’t know what would come out of my mouth this time if I really were to see her.

I just followed my instincts – I walked just beside the bookshop and peered inside. My view was obstructed by the dangling flag covering the entrance of the bookshop and there were quite a number of people in the bookshop at the same time. I paused my movement for another second – I finally saw that Elaine and Voon Pang were both inside.

I was nervous, so I walked away quickly, pretending that I saw nothing. Just after walking a few steps away from what I saw, I turned my head quickly and saw that they were now a few metres behind me. “Kean Lee, you’re crazy.” my mind told me. I felt even more nervous at that moment. Trying to keep my cool, pretending to act as if nothing has happened, but unconsciously, both of my legs were slowing down its pace – I realised that I was walking slower than the normal pace that I usually walk.

I knew that they were both walking closer behind me now. As I was still walking and heading back towards my classroom, I heard someone ‘coughing’. It went more like “Ahem…” with a tone of a genuine cough. It was quite obvious that the cough was a made up because it didn’t sound like a ‘genuine’ cough. I still pretended to think that was a normal cough. By then, I knew they must be behind me. Though someone made that ‘cough’, I still did not turn my head behind to see who it was.

About two seconds later, while my mind was still running wild in the inside but expression wasn’t shown on my face, Elaine paced up with me and was now currently walking beside me.

“Hi Kean Lee.” Elaine greeted me friendly with a smile.

“Hey, Hi!!” I greeted her in return, with a tone of surprise.

I really didn’t except Elaine to walk up beside me just to greet me. I thought that she wouldn’t. After Elaine greeted me, I was still waiting for Voon Pang to greet me. Because I didn’t turn my head behind, I didn’t know where Voon Pang was, but I was positively sure that she’s just behind Elaine, who was just next to me.

Couldn’t resist the pressure from my own mind any further, my temptation gave in – I looked behind. I was right – Voon Pang was just one step behind Elaine. But the question is that why she wouldn’t greet me?? However, at the moment my eyes met her, she was looking in another direction. I didn’t know what to do, and I certainly couldn’t afford to leave that spot without greeting her, because she knows at that moment when I turned my head, I must have saw her and for that, if I don’t greet her, that would only leave an impression on her that I don’t treat her as a friend anymore. In short, if I don’t greet her this time, I would have risked our relationship.

“Hi Voon Pang.” I finally opened my mouth to greet her.

“Hi.” she greeted me abruptly. “Kuai dian jou, class yau start liao la.” she added. In Chinese, it meant “Hurry up, our class is going to start soon.”

Apparently, she was rushing to her Chinese class. Then, they all hurried away, heading towards their Chinese class. My feelings at that moment was beyond words. I felt utterly silly, but most of all, the thing that shone the most after that incident is that she didn’t greet me at all, only until I greeted her. Worst, her greet was so abrupt and there was nothing more than that word “Hi.” she said to me.

If someone really significant in your life does that to you, just imagine how bad you would feel. I watched them walked off and I just stood there. I felt like banging my head hard on that green metal pole that was in front of me.

Another Really, Really Beautiful Friday… (Part 2)

This post is a continuation of the previous post Another Really, Really Beautiful Friday… (Part 1)

This is the second event that happened on the same day (Friday 03/08/07) that I saw Voon Pang having a nose-bleed and how I’ve tried to help her. I really didn’t think that two beautiful events would crop up on the very same day, but really, I think that it’s really beautiful.

I thought that today was so eventful about Voon Pang and everything, and I thought that, that would really conclude the day about events. Interestingly, something cropped up after my Taekwondo. I certainly have expected this thing to happen in my mind, but was already feeling tired and quite exhausted after so many things happened just now between me and Voon Pang.

It was about me and Leng’s sister. As usual, she has Physical Education at this time every Friday. The time was 4.40pm and I went to call Dad to pick me up from school. Dad was in KL so he can only arrive at 5.30pm to fetch me. So, I had to wait for him. This was also a good chance for me to meet up with Leng’s sister so we can be together and chat…

So there she was, just beside the pavilion, playing with her close friend. I walked slowly towards her direction. Apparently, she and her friend were both attempting to kick each other in a playful manner. She had her spectacles off at that moment and when she saw me, she held up her spectacles but did not put it on, but instead closed one eye to focus her sight on a piece of her spectacle lens to see who was approaching. She was interrupted suddenly by a kick from her friend when she was trying to see through one of her spectacle lens and took her sight off for a moment to ask her friend to pause for a second. Then, she held up her spectacle once more to focus her sight and I waved my hand to her as a gesture of greeting. She waved at me, too.

The skies were rumbling with sounds of thunder. The sky was filled with dark clouds that threatened to pour rain on us any second. The wind was breezy and the atmosphere and my feelings were really nice. When I reached the place near she was standing, we greeted each other and then only I turned to her good friend to greet her. I’m happy that her friend remembered me, because the last time (and was only our first time) we met and chat to each other was with Leng’s sister’s company.

I stood there silent for a moment, smiling, while watching them play with each other. Leng’s sister was so cute when she was playing. She still had her spectacles off and it was dangling on the collar of her shirt. I really enjoyed that moment, to see her in such happiness. I can feel that happiness radiating to me. When her friend walked some distance away to sit on the railings, Leng’s sister went under the shade, just beside me and started spinning herself happily on that spot.

“What time are you going back home??” she asked me of all a sudden, and still spinning herself.

“Five-thirty. Same like last time.” I replied. She also posed me this same question the last time.

“Har?? So late?? Why??” She asked me. She was still spinning herself at that moment and I didn’t really catch her words because she was spinning and talking to me at the same time.

“Sorry??” I begged her pardon, because I couldn’t really hear her question when she was spinning so actively. She looked really cute when she was spinning.

“Why you’re going back so late??” she repeated her question.

“My Dad’s coming to fetch me. He’s in KL.” I explained to her, smiling.

“So how long will that take??” she asked.

“Hmm… 30 minutes?? 45 minutes?? Around there…” I nodded while explaining to her.

“Buy a house near here lah, so you you can walk back…”

“Hmm…” I thought of how I should reply her. “… but I’m going to graduate already…” I said.

“True also…” she said to herself. “Your friends all go back already ah??” she asked.

“Yup. They all went back already.” I gestured to the back with my finger, signalling that my friends have all went back already.

“Saaaaad…” she pronounced that word with a depressing tone and I chuckled at her pronunciation.

Our conversation paused for some moments. She continued spinning on one foot with a storybook in hand.

“I can’t spin…” she said, while attempting to spin herself on a foot.

Apparently, she was trying hard to do a good spin. She looked so active and I was just standing there, looking at her, and smiling. I didn’t know how to reply her comment on her spin, so I just kept quiet.

“See, I told you I can’t spin…” she said and stopped spinning, but then continued with a last spin which was really good.

I just smiled at her all the time. After her last spin, she walked towards her friend. I lingered around that spot for a moment before walking towards them, because if I were to follow her from behind, it would have seemed too obvious that I’m following her.

Her friend was still sitting on that railing and looked as if she’s absorbed into her storybook that she was reading. As Leng’s sister walked closer to her, her friend closed her book and began talking to her. They enjoyed teasing each other.

Really, my mind and concentration wasn’t there at that moment with Leng’s sister. Instead, it was with Voon Pang and the whole thing that happened in between us just hours ago. I just kept thinking and worrying about Voon Pang’s condition. Then, I remembered that I should appreciate this moment now, with Leng’s sister because I’m with her now. It’s not that I’ll be with her often, and just a few weeks after this, I doubt I will still have the chance to be standing here and talking to her. Later then I could start thinking back of what happened, but as for now, my heart should be with Leng’s sister. I tried hard to bring myself and feelings to the spot I was standing.

I was apparently standing beside Leng’s sister now. Her friend was still teasing her.

“Thirty minutes more.” her friend said. She meant to say that it was thirty minutes before their Physical Education period ended and they have to return to their class.

“Thirty minutes more before you’ve got to go…” Leng’s sister said to me.

“Eh, why him?” her friend ask in confusion.

Leng’s sister turned to her and said “He’s also going back at five-thirty ma…”

I checked my watch and the time is 5:04pm.

“Yeah, thirty minutes more.” I replied her.

I didn’t know what else to say to her. My mind was completely blank. I felt guilty that some of my thoughts were still with Voon Pang, unable to come back here. I was merely standing there beside her and her friend, listening to their conversations and kept smiling at them, because I really enjoyed being there and listening to their conversation. I especially loved the way Leng’s sister talk, because she mumbles when she speaks and it’s quite a challenge deciphering what she’s trying to convey at times. The way she mumbles isn’t like any other way which has that tone of laziness, but hers is exceptionally cute – I really loved it.

I was so quiet. I guess if her friend wasn’t there, I would be completely mute. I just didn’t know where to start or even what to say. The experience is totally different when I’m with Voon Pang. When I’m with Voon Pang, I feel that I have lots and lots of things to tell her and it’s never-ending. However, the feeling when being with Leng’s sister is the opposite.

I felt grateful that Leng’s sister’s good friend was there. She kept talking and talking about many things and was constantly trying to pull me into the conversation by saying things such as…

“You see!! She’s (Leng’s sister) so blur!!”

“You know…”

“See!! I told you…”

Her friend was nice. At least she didn’t make me feel left out standing there so quietly. She asked me many questions and I replied her. I tried to speak as much about anything that they spoke to refrain myself from being so quiet.

“You know, she failed her Chinese since Standard Four to Standard Six…” her friend said to me.

“Where got?? I was getting worst starting since Standard Four and only failed in Standard Five and Standard Six...” Leng’s sister protested, mumbling.

“I wasn’t too good in my Chinese either.” I said to Leng’s sister.

“I got D for Chinese in UPSR” Leng’s sister said to me, still speaking in a blur tone.

“She failed her BM (Malay), Geography… and what else ah?” her friend said to me again.

“I didn’t fail Geography lar… I failed Sejarah (History)” she protested again.

Leng’s sister turned to me then asked me “My jie jie leh... I didn’t see her report card… she don’t let me see…” she said in a blurry manner and again, I felt guilty that I had to bed her pardon once again because I didn’t really heard what she said.

“Sorry??” I bagged her pardon, smiling.

“Jie jie’s results?? Did you see her report card?? She don’t let me see…” she repeated.

“Hmm… I didn’t see her report card.” I replied. “But she is smarter than me.” I nodded, smiled and replied her at the same time.

The way when she said “Jie jie” (elder sister) is really cute. Cute in a way because it’s blur and… you know, just cute. I can’t really put her cuteness when she pronounced that in words… but, I find her really cute in everything she does.

Well, frankly, I thought that how did Leng’s sister failed her papers. First Year papers are actually quite easy to score. Failing the papers was an uncommon thing during my time. Perhaps the standard of the questions became tougher. Leng herself is really a bright student, without any failures in her subjects. But how could her sister fail?? They’re siblings and usually siblings share the same characteristics – and in this case, the characteristic is brightness in academic excellence. Thinking about sharing the same characteristics among siblings, now I think about my ‘real’ sisters’ behaviour and compare them with myself and it’s totally the opposite. So, the conclusion I could derive from this inference is that siblings do not necessarily share the same characteristics and personality.

“Eh? You’re in Five Angsana, right??” her friend asked me of all a sudden.

“Yeah.” I replied.

Her friend turned to Leng’s sister and said “You two are… yi ge tian, yi ge di.” In direct translation of that Chinese idiom, it says that ‘one of us is heaven and the other is earth’ and it means one is exceptionally good and the other is not good at all. Her friend meant to say that I’m good in my studies and Leng’s sister is the opposite.

I certainly know my standards. I’m very lazy and certainly isn’t good in my studies. I failed my Moral paper in the middle of the year in my Fourth Year (previous year).

“I was just lucky that I’m in Angsana.” I said to both of them.

“Lucky? Wow… how to be lucky?” her friend exclaimed in a tone of disbelief.

“I’m in Angsana, but I’m not smart.” I said, still trying to convince her.

We chatted a little, but mostly I was listening to their conversation. The clouds in the sky diluted, and the darkness of the surroundings was less thick. The wind still blew breezily and it was in the evening – I really loved this weather, and having Leng’s sister here beside me makes me feel soo calm and loving.

“She calls me very late at night, even at two a.m. she still calls me.” her friend told me.

“Yameh? Where got so late?” Leng’s sister asked her.

“You even called me at three a.m.. I can bring my handphone here and show you that you missed call me at three a.m.” her friend added in complain.

I remembered that once Leng told me that her sister used to talk on the phone for hours (from 8pm – 12 pm and that’s 4 hours!!). But I was even more surprised this time that she even calls her friend although it’s past midnight and at such an awkward hour.

Leng’s sister faced and looked at me. In my mind, I was anticipating what she was about to ask me, because we could start off with another topic of conversation. Then, she lifted her right hand, sticking out her finger and slowly moved her finger towards me. I was looking in front, pretending to not see that she was looking at me – because I was shy. As soon as I turned my head to look at her, she had poked me very lightly on my left abdomen. Then I realised that she was attempting to tickle me. As soon as she tickled me, I moved two steps behind – a natural way of avoiding another tickle again.

She realised that I was just like another person who’s feared of being tickled and she cried “You’re not immune!! You’re not immune!! Haha.”

I laughed along with her and her cute action towards me. I really liked that. I feel that she’s cuter by the minute and I really loved her.

“Haha, you can bully me now.” I said to her in a timid manner.

Not too long after that, her classmates far over the other end of the shade started standing up. We (me, Leng’s sister and her good friend) were still standing here. Then, Leng’s sister got off the railing and took her water tumbler. It was time for them return to their classes – it was 5.30pm – it was time that I have to leave her, with a reluctant feeling.

As we were walking together and was heading towards her class, but still under the shade, she told me “Still got ten more minutes.”

I checked my watch and the time reads 5.26pm. I showed my watch to her and she took a second to read it and I said “Nolah, still got four more minutes. But I think my Dad is waiting outside the school for me now.”

“You’ve got enough water??” I asked her.

“Yeah.” she held up her water bottle showing it was still a quarter full of lemon and lime juice. “But I want to get something from the canteen, but I have no money…” she added.

“Hmm… I have money.” I grabbed out my wallet from my back pocket. “There, you need any??” I asked her.

“Nono, no need… I want to finish my water first.”

“Really?? I have enough money…”

“No need. It’s okay.” she said.

We were still walking together, now passing though the School Hall. Her friend now was walking a little ahead of us, but me and Leng’s sister was still walking together beside each other. Then, her friend turned her back, looked at us, then commented: “You all walk like that like couple la.” I smiled at her comment. Leng’s sister didn’t have any reaction towards that, I reckon that she was feeling shy or awkward or something. “Really??” I replied her friend, smiling, but didn’t have the feeling of continuing that topic.

The reason why I didn’t feeling anything too special even when Leng’s sister’s friend said that me and Leng’s sister looked like couples was because I was feeling mentally tired and my heart wasn’t really there, just my physical-self was present there. I felt guilty for feeling this way. If I liked Leng’sister, then how could my thoughts still be with Voon Pang??

“Where’s your bag??” Leng’s sister asked.

“There…” I said, gesturing towards my bag. Then, I went to grab my back and walk back to her.

These were the two happenings that happened on that Friday. I finished typing this whole two posts in 3 weeks. Meaning, this is the 3^rd week since the two incidents happened on that memorable Friday… Today, I’ll be blogging about why these two memories… will be the last memories in between us… perhaps forever…

Another Really, Really Beautiful Friday… (Part 1)

This experience happened 2 weeks ago... (Friday 03/08/07)...

The happenings of today were more exceptional compared to the other Fridays. Two really beautiful things happened after the schooling hours…

I had club meeting this week. So, of course I got to meet Voon Pang. We greeted each other upon the moment we met each other and sat down together and started talking…

Well, initially, I felt awkward speaking to her because we’ve not spoken for quite some time. I thought that why should I feel shy talking to her since we’ve been friends for quite some time already and besides, this is going to be one of the very last club meetings and after that, it would be only hope that we will see each other, or even a rarer chance for us to be sitting down together like this, chatting away happily…

Very soon, I remembered that this is the most important time – this is the precious moment that I should cherish and appreciate. So, I begin opening my mouth to tell her things... many, many things. I remembered the last time we were chatting online, she said that she was having some problems, a quarrel, with Elaine, who is her good friend. She says that Elaine’s personality has changed and she feels sad about that – she feels sad to see that her good friend’s personality has changed to become worst. Since I’ve experienced this before that I understand its normal human behaviour to be influenced by his surroundings and to be changed into ‘another’ person and that’s just a matter of time, so I explained to her why this happened. I related to her my experiences and advised her what she should do.

Her mind seems troubled from the looks of it. But as like always, I have thought that she looked more beautiful by the day. I picked up and had a look at her completed Civics project and saw many photos of her family members. She had a photo of her, looking still very young in the photo, lying down in bed with both hands gesturing the ‘V’ sign and smiling and I thought she looked really cute in that photo but she said that she disliked that photo the most. She looked soo beautiful when she was still young, and still is till today.

We continued chatting. But the main theme that we were chatting this time was a bit more sentimental. I was feeling sentimental at that time so I guess I brought in all those sentimental mood and atmosphere. I told her about the 3 most important things when with someone (I guess I’ve not told you this yet, but I’ll tell you next time anyways, not now because it’s quite long). I told her to appreciate her First Year here because it will never come back. I told her bits of stories of my First Year and stressed on how much she should appreciate it because the whole thing is really beautiful.

There was one really nice thing I like about her. Whenever I speak to her about something, she would fix her eyes at me. That gives me the impression that she’s really paying attention to what I am talking about. Although I felt shy and awkward to look her into the eyes whenever I spoke to her, but I made an effort to look her into the eyes. Even when I look her into the eyes whenever I speak, when our eyes meet each other, she doesn’t look away but merely continues to look at me into the eye. This whole thing really makes me feel good that at least, I know that I’m being paid attention to whenever I speak of something. I find it a really pleasant experience.

When the meeting ended, she had prepared to get moving already. I told her “Sit down for a while more lah, school not yet start also.” Surprisingly, she sat down. Now the class was beginning to become more deserted. Her facial expression looked depressed. When I looked at her, she told me that everything has come to an end. It was one of our last meetings. This is our second last meeting and she knew that we couldn’t see each other much later. How fast time passed and what we’ve actually done, what a memory it will be. I pointed my watch to her and told her that everything will cease and be over one day – it’s just a matter of time.

She finally had to make a move when it was nearing the school bell ring. I had mixed but surprisingly calm feelings. I was sad that everything had to end like this. If I was given the option, I wouldn’t regret choosing to spend my entire life in this year. I felt so bad that I wanted time to just stop here. I wanted to live my whole life in this year, never to progress or decline, but just be here forever. I went in front of the class to erase the whiteboard, paced slowly, then remembered that the bell hasn’t ring yet, so I went out of the class and headed straight to the canteen where I knew she would be there.

Sure enough, she was standing there, accompanied by Elaine and some of her friends. I walked over to them and greeted Elaine. The first thing that Elaine said to me was this: “Ehh, can you please ask your friends to clean up the place after they have used the glittery powder??” I explained to her that I have no say in that, because they didn’t actually use the glittery powder, my classmates actually played with them. But those classmates who played with them are a group of really ignorant people and Leng termed them as people who are “ignorant of authority” when they twice irritated her. I apologized to Elaine saying that I couldn’t help in that because they wouldn’t listen to even to the teachers, what’s more if I advice them?? There were some parts of our conversation between me and Elaine where I spoke Mandarin and the girl who was standing beside Elaine named Allison asked Elaine in Mandarin and in a surprised manner: “Wah, he can speak Chinese one ah??” I chuckled and Elaine replied her: “Yeah, you don’t know meh??” I wasn’t really friends with Allison and was surprised that she knew me, because If she didn’t know me, why she would even ask Elaine if I could speak Mandarin. I turned to Allison and asked her: “Why?? Do I look like someone who doesn’t know Chinese??” She replied “Yeah.”

It was only a matter of minutes before the bell would go off then Voon Pang had to go. I spent the remaining time left trying to talk to her and try to really appreciate that moment. The bell finally rang. Oh, that dreaded bell, how much I wished that it wouldn’t ring at all and we could be standing there chatting forever. We bid each other goodbye and I saw her walk away, further and further away from me…

I walked away reluctantly, and I thought that was going to be the end of events for that day, until when I was discussing with the Teacher Advisor of the club after the meeting in the corridor of the Teacher’s Office. As my friends and I were discussing and the afternoon session students were walking in an orderly line, passing through us, I looked at them as they passed through us and didn’t pay attention to what the Teacher Advisor said at that moment. I knew Voon Pang would have to pass through here, too, to get to her class – and I wanted to see her, for one more time…

After a minute or two, I finally saw her. Her appearance distracted me from all my thoughts. Apparently, she was holding a handkerchief and it was placed under her nose, covering a part of her face. My forehead creased in attention and concentration. I recalled that she had once had a nose-bleed and told me that she gets it often.

As my Teacher Advisor and friends were discussing, my attention and sight shifted all to her. My legs were already moving me towards her. My eyes grew bigger – she’s having a nose-bleed. I realised that she was walking with her good friend Madelene. I have once spoken to Madelene before and she seems to be a very nice person, so I’m not too worried when Voon Pang’s with her.

As they were walking closer towards me, they didn’t see me standing there, slowly moving absent-mindedly towards them in great worry. Madelene was looking at Voon Pang and Voon Pang was holding the handkerchief and pressing on her nose. The handkerchief didn’t look stained with blood, which made me really wonder if she’s having a cold or a nose-bleed. But I knew she must have been having a nose-bleed because she was pressing that handkerchief on her nose for quite some time.

I walked over to them. I looked at Madelene and quickly greeted her, then looked at Voon Pang.

“Are you alright??” I asked in a worrisome tone.

“Yeah, I’m alright” Voon Pang replied.

I didn’t know how to describe how worried I was at that moment. It’s just beyond words. My heart felt so pain to see her in such a condition. My concentration had been deviated all towards her. I didn’t care of anything else anymore, I didn’t care about what the other students around her will think of me, I didn’t care if Madelene was thinking something between me and her. She was the most important person to me on earth at that moment.

“Can you please take care of her??” I looked up, looked at Madelene in her eyes and asked her. We were walking closer to her class. There isn’t much time. I wanted to do something – I wanted to take care of Voon Pang. I have always remembered my promise to her: I’ll protect her, forever.

“I always take care of her one what…” Madelene replied me.

When Madelene said that, my heart eased a little. At least I can put my trust on Madelene that she’ll take care of her. Apparently, Madelene is also in the common class as Voon Pang.

“Thanks.” I said. I looked at Voon Pang, she didn’t look at her best. I exhaled and looked at her with my forehead creased, and feelings so worried that whether she’ll be alright if I’m not with her.

I dashed off to my friend who’s still in discussion with the Teacher Advisor and asked him to borrow me some tissues first and I was just in luck that he says that he has got some. He rummaged his pocket and took out a used packet, with only a sheet or two left. I thanked him anyways. I looked at the Teacher Advisor, apologized, and excused myself and the teacher said that it was okay. Immediately, I dashed back as fast as possible to Voon Pang who’s still on her way to class and heard the teacher from behind asking my friend that if she was my sister.

“I know this isn’t much… I got this from my friend…” I said from behind Madelene and Voon Pang.

They turned to look at me and I walked in front of them. Voon Pang saw me holding that used packet of tissue and said “I already have some.” I still thrusted that packet of tissue to her and she took it. I didn’t quite recall what I said, because I guess I was too nervous and worried to remember what we actually said. However, I remember Madelene’s words.

“Can you please take care of her??” I pleaded to Madelene the second time.

I guess the expression on my face was similar to begging.

“Yeah. I’ll take care of her… I’ll molest her. Don’t worry.” Madelene said jokingly.

Somehow, I don’t know why, but I just have the sense that I can entrust Madelene more and more each time I spoke to her. She’s got that charm in her that you can feel that she’s is that kind of person who’s very caring and nice person.

I saw them walking away, up to their classes. I heaved a sigh and felt really bad for what has happened. My feelings were burning sore at that moment – I should have done something more than that. But I didn’t know what I could do. I was scolding myself in the back of my mind and my mind was already relaxing to see that it’s over. But the other side of myself, my emotional self, tells me that I’ve got to do something, just something. I really should be beside her now where she would be needed to be taken care the most at this moment.

I walked at a normal pace to the corridor of the Teacher’s Office absent-mindedly because my thoughts were still with Voon Pang. I expected to see the teacher still discussing with my friend, but she wasn’t, and they weren’t there anymore. Then, I headed towards the canteen. My head just kept on pounding me that I should do something. I spotted my friend and walked towards him. He asked me what’s the matter and before I could reply him, he asked me if she was having a nose-bleed. I guess he made that conclusion because I borrowed his packet of tissues. He told me that I could buy tissues from the canteen. I thought that the tissues that I just gave her wasn’t enough, and maybe this is the very least of what I could do. So, I quickly went over to the counter to purchase 2 packets of tissue without knowing the price and it costed me 50 cents each.

As soon as I got the tissues, I dashed off heading to Voon Pang’s class. I sprinted as fast as I could across the Car Park, the Biology lab and the Chemistry Lab. When I was climbing that flight of stairs to the third floor, my mind told me that I didn’t care whether or not there would be a teacher in her class, if there was one, I’ll just ask the teacher’s permission to meet her. I have quite a phobia of requesting the permission of teachers to meet my friends and will only do that when I have some official work to be done.

I looked inside the class but I couldn’t see her anywhere. I went into the class anyway and waited for the teacher to finish dictating what she’s got to say before I got to ask my permission to meet Voon Pang. However, while waiting, I saw that Voon Pang wasn’t in her seat. Her bag wasn’t on her seat, too. I thought for a second and concluded that she must have been to the toilet. When the teacher turned to me and asked me of what business I have got there, I immediately apologized and went down a floor straight away. I saw her bag on the floor outside the Female’s Toilet.

I could sense that Madelene is inside with her too. I was really worried sick of how’s her condition and I’m standing there, in the corridor of a class, waiting, with two packets of tissues in my hands. I didn’t care of what the students in the class beside me was thinking about why I would be standing outside the corridor. As I waited for Voon Pang, my mind was just scattered everywhere. I was really worrying about her and prayed that she got well as soon as possible.

After what seemed like five minutes of waiting, Madelene came out first and Voon Pang was behind her. They didn’t see me because Madelene was looking at Voon Pang and Voon Pang was picking up her bag. I walked towards them and Madelene was surprised that was waiting there all the while…

“Wah, you waited outside here??” Madelene asked me with a surprised tone and expression.

“Yeah.” I replied her. I looked at Voon Pang. She looked much better now. Her pinafore was a little stained with blood and that sight made me feel so pitiful for her.

“Are you alright??” I asked Voon Pang for what seemed like the umpteenth time.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” She said.

“You know, you should be doing this…” I demonstrated with both fingers pressing the nose bridge. Voon Pang was watching and listening to me intently.

“Hey, that’s what Elaine said…” Madelene interrupted.

“When you’re in class, sit down and lean forward…so that the blood won’t flow into your lungs…and stomach…if not you’ll get stomach ache… and nausea…you know… vomiting…” I continued saying to Voon Pang, with some animated hand actions.

I must have looked nervous because she did some hand gesture to ask me to cool-down when I’ve finished saying what I’ve got to tell her.

She had to get back to class. I felt better now that at least I’ve told her what she could do and given her those two packets of tissues just in case if she’s going to have a nose-bleed again.

“Wow…” Madelene said with a tone of surprise and in awe. I guessed that she realised how much I cared for Voon Pang.

“Drink more water yeah!!” I called out to Voon Pang as she was walking upstairs.

As they were both walking up the flight of stairs to their class, Madelene said from the back to me loudly “Okay, I won’t molest her anymore. Don’t worry!!”

I smiled and watched them walking upstairs together from behind. My heart and feelings eased that at least I know that Voon Pang has got such a caring friend. I really owe Madelene so much. She really took care of the person that means so much to me, where I was supposed to be there, but I wasn’t and instead of me being there, Madelene was there. I feel really grateful towards her and I’ll thank her the next time I see her and treat her for dinner or something nice for being so nice to Voon Pang…

My First Chemistry Lesson…

Feelings elated that I was being placed into the Pure-sciences, very soon, I realised that I was in my first lesson of Chemistry in one of the Science Labs.

The very first words that Pn.Yap (my chemistry teacher) said was this: “Chemistry will be the subject that you’ll be conducting the most practical experiments compared to your Biology and Physics.” I surely believed what she has just said. Pn.Yap gave me the impression that she was a really strict but really good teacher at the same time.

That… was a year ago. I sigh, and recall those words so well. Everything seemed like it had just happened two months ago. It is beautiful to see what I’ve done and achieved in a year. However, it was also really painful to realise that yesterday was our last practical experiment, forever.

I certainly conducted many experiments throughout these 2 years. Almost every lesson that we entered the Chemistry Lab, we conducted experiments and many of them were really interesting. My Chemistry lesson today was really, really interesting. Over time, I realised that Pn.Yap isn’t that strict type of teacher anymore. Instead, she was really entertaining when she teaches because she tells us really interesting things when we come across certain topics of our syllabus. Also, she has some slang in some of her pronunciation which I always thought that it was funny and cool at the same time. But most of all, she’s a really good teacher. I really needn’t go for any other Chemistry tuition if I pay attention in class. Well, if you’re wondering how good is she… we actually had full attendance yesterday and almost full attendance today for our class because we had Chemistry for both days!!

But after all, it’s really painful and sad to look at it that the whole thing has finally come to an end. The time is approaching the end of the year and everything begins to cease, school activities, experiments… just everything. Exams start to crop up, students begin mugging their work, students start playing truant to stay at home to revise their work. It has finally come to an end… I’m leaving my secondary school life behind… I’m crying in my memories.

Five years of me being in secondary school. Five years doesn’t sound long time. Again, I heave a sigh with a great feeling and bond that I don’t want to end my secondary school life, I don’t want this whole thing to end, and I don’t want to leave everything behind. I’ve done so many things, experienced so many things and grown so much… just so much during these years.

However, everything has to come to an end. Flowers wither, paint fades, our parents aren’t here for us forever – they will pass away. My time is up, it is time that I leave this whole ground that has helped me built so much of my character and experiences. Reluctant to leave, but it’s the reality that I have to. My school, the experiences, the love, the people and the two trees that I always sit under alone during recess everyday… will always be my memory… forever…

The Emotional Link In Between Two People

Surely you’ve heard many stories whereby there are two people who are both very close towards each other, emotionally. One day, something awful such as an accident happened to the boy. The girl, who is physically apart from the boy for quite some distance and doesn’t know of the news of what had just happened, suddenly just feels emotionally uneasy, unwell and uncomfortable. She senses that there is something bad that has happened but she just doesn’t know of what it is. But very soon, that girl is then notified that the boy that she’s in love was involved with an accident.

This is exactly what I experienced yesterday. The feeling was utterly awful and beyond words…

After sending a message to Pey meimei in the evening, I waited for her reply but she didn’t reply me. It was in the night, a little later after I sent Pey meimei that message, I felt slightly unwell and uncomfortable. I began to worry of why she didn’t reply me after such a long time. Well, sometimes she does take some time to reply me and I don’t usually feel uneasy even when she does take some time to reply me, but this time, it was different. I felt as if there was something wrong that happened but I didn’t exactly knew what it was, but I had a strong sense that it this thing must have been linked with Pey meimei.

She finally replied me at around 11pm when I was still doing my homework. She apologized for replying me after such a long time. Actually, she just got a fever and as she was just awaked to take her medicine, she saw my message. At that moment, I instantly knew why I felt uneasy and uncomfortable. I began to be very worried about her because she had just recovered from a fever and now she’s down with it again.

As time passed by, I got more and more worried. Her second message said that if she doesn’t get well by Friday, she’s got to go for a blood test. That statement also made me went crazy. I was so worried to the point that I think I had some cold sweat and I couldn’t sit still on the chair I was sitting anymore. I was already standing up and down at that moment, I great dilemma and confusion of what I should do next. The next thing I knew that is I got a headache thinking about the whole thing.

At the same time worrying, I contemplated that my feelings of uneasiness and discomfort just now was because of this. After hearing stories about the emotional links between two very close and loving people, I finally understood what all these were. This is my first time experiencing such an experience of having an emotional link between me and Pey meimei. Moreover, this also my first time getting so worried that I on the verge of crying. Contemplating the whole scene, I then realised how much more Pey means to me.

I messaged her back to tell her how worried I was and asked her not to attend school tomorrow (which is today) but she refused, saying that she had to attend school because she has an important subject tomorrow. I then advised her to drink more water and take her medicines. Not too long after that, she had to go to sleep and I said I’ll call her tomorrow to check whether if she’s alright.

My sleep was utterly disturbed – I didn’t have a good sleep. My dreams were all filled with her, dreaming that she was being admitted into the hospital. I have no idea, but I don’t know why her good friend Sook Yee appeared in my dream, too. Apparently, in that dream, Sook Yee was pulling out something stuck in between my front tooth. That part of the dream wasn’t related to anything though. I also remembered the part of the dream where Pey told me the hospital ward that she was in and I rushed there as quickly as possible.

When I woke up for school the next morning, I felt tired. Partly it was because of those disturbing dreams. Then I realised again that how much Pey can influence my life and how much the people who I love means to me. I text messaged Pey right before I went to school, asking her to take really good care of herself when she’s in school today. I felt really guilty that I am not at her side to take care of her.

I wasn’t feeling at my best the whole time today in school. In fact, I felt a little unwell, sick and uncomfortable. Then I knew that it must have been link to Pey – although we’re not together physically, but I can feel what she’s feeling. I thought that she must have been feeling really unwell this morning because I was feeling her pain. I prayed hard for her and told myself and the higher beings that I was praying to that I will sacrifice and do anything to bring back her health. I don’t mind even if I have to be sick for her to be well again.

Upon reaching back home after school, I already had a mild migraine. Because of that I went for a nap which lasted about until 6.50pm. Goodness, the dreams that I dreamt in my nap was also very awful. For the whole time, I was dreaming and thinking and worried-sick of Pey’s condition. Couldn’t take it anymore, I woke up at 6.50pm and was still having a mild migraine. Usually after a nap, my migraine will be gone, but this time, it still persisted. I remembered that I said I’ll call her up to ask about her condition, so I did.

The first call was unanswered. I felt more worried this time. So, I called once more after a few seconds. The cell phone was picked up at the second call and I was really relieved that Pey answered my call. Apparently, she said she just had a bath and I quickly proceeded to the question that if she was feeling better today. Fortunately, she said that she was alright already. My mind heaved a big breath of relief. I felt so happy and grateful that she was feeling better now. I reminded her to drink more and to take her medicines. Frankly, I was very reluctant to hang up. I wanted to stay on the phone with her for hours and hours to chat about things but I couldn’t do that but bid each other goodbye after 3 minutes because I said that she had to take a rest.

It all ended till now. Looking back, I couldn’t believe that I could become so worried over this thing. This could only prove to me that I really loved her and she really means a lot to me. The effects of her fever also have indirectly affected me – I am still feeling very tired now although I’ve taken a long nap and still having a migraine.

So it’s true that the stories that other people tell us about these strange but beautiful incidents really do happen. It’s really an experience and you’ve got to experience it to really understand how I felt. It just strengthens your belief and love for the other person. But one thing, this thing can happen to you even if the other person doesn’t feel close to you. This whole thing can happen even in unrequited love. It can happen in the absence of two parties – you might be the only one feeling this thing but the other person won’t experience this thing if something awful has happened to you if the other person doesn’t love you as much as you love that person.

Biology Lesson on Variation with Kean Lee

Welcome to your first lesson on Biology on variation with me. Yes, yes, I understand that I almost failed Biology but this is a good time you can learn this interesting subject with me. (Uh, this can be some kind revision for me, too!!) Thus, I’ll teach you a little facts in a very simple manner!! (because if I can teach you the whole thing in detail, I would have scored an ‘A’ in Biology la)

Firstly, you must understand that we humans have:

23 pairs of homologous chromosomes. (46 chromosomes)

OR

44 autosomes and one pair sex. of chromosomes.

But it’s best to say 23 pairs of homologous chromosomes because if you just say 46 chromosomes, you could argue if they’re not homologous pairs. That’s what my teacher said though…

Anyways, in both males and females, the 44 autosomes are IDENTICAL and only differ from each other genetically.

The pair of sex chromosomes will determine if the baby is a boy or a girl.

Now, let’s look at how you became a boy, or a girl.

Normal human males have the combination of sex chromosomes X and Y (I call it XY) and normal human females have the combination of X and X (I call this XX).

And because you need a diploid number of chromosomes in a gamete to pair up with the other gamete, thus…

The male gamete (sperm) will carry either the X sex chromosomes (inclusive of 22 chromosomes)

OR

Y sex chromosomes (inclusive of 22 chromosomes).

If you’re wondering what’s diploid… allow me to explain that we have 46 chromosomes or 23 pairs of homologous chromosomes. If you put it in a maths way, (so it’s easier to see the whole idea)

46 chromosomes (23 pairs of homologous chromosomes) = haploid (2n)

23 chromosomes = diploid (n)

Thus, the male and gamete can only carry a diploid (n) number of chromosomes and not haploid. This is because…

Female gamete (23 chromosomes) + male gamete (23 chromosomes) = baby (46 chromosomes)

You cannot have this…(I use to wonder why last time… that time I also almost failed Biology…)

Female gamete (46 chromosomes) + male gamete (46 chromosomes) = baby (92 chromosomes)

…because your baby would be an alien…

"Alice, this my brother, James. "

So, coming back to the story… since I’m not goodie at writing descriptions, I’ve prepared a diagram for you.

"Strange looking worms"

So in essence, you can conclude that

1. Male sperms either contain the X chromosome or Y chromosome. You could say that if you have a sample of 1000 sperms, then approximately half of them carry the X chromosome and the other will carry Y chromosome.
2. The Y chromosome is the chromosome that determines the gender.
3. Females cannot produce chromosomes that determine the gender of the baby.
4. Females are useless
5. The ratio of getting a boy and a girl during pregnancy is 1:1

Now, let me tell you something interesting my Biology teacher said…

"Human worm-like looking sex chromosomes"

This is the human karyotype. Scientifically, the 22 pairs of autosomes all carry genetic information (contains genes). However, the sex chromosome of X carry some of them (I think…) but the Y sex chromosome DOESN’T CARRY ANYTHING… according to scientific studies that is done years ago. Teacher said that she doesn’t know of the latest discoveries. Now why??

This is simply because… now, just look at the size of the Y chromosome. It’s pretty small, eh?? But really, it’s smaller than that. Thus, it’s so small that it doesn’t carry any genes. Thus, it’s only there to determine your gender.

The thing is… if there’s a disease, a mutation that happens that will mutate the Y chromosomes… this just means that ALL MEN WILL BE EXTINCT THEN!! Remember that the female somatic cell doesn’t carry any Y chromosomes?? They only carry the lousy XX chromosomes – both of them!!

So, what’s the moral of the story?? I have learnt 2 moral values from this whole thing:

1. Men have XY chromosomes in their somatic cell whereas females only have XX. Thus, we men have to got to pity the females. Sighs, how sad, we’ve got both of different types but they’ve only got one of them. It’s like boys having a gameboy and a playstation but the girls only have a gameboy.
2. If evolution occurs, the men human race will be WIPED OUT. Thus, since we’re species that can be extinct, girls should treat us with EXTRA CARE.

Thank you for learning with me. If you feel like flaming, please do it in the chatbox. P/s: This wiping out and extinction thing is what my Biology teacher said. I take all the NO RESPONSIBILITY for it.

The next lesson will be on dominant and recessive alleles and at that time, the females can come back for revenge. =) I’m just playing fair.

You know you've once live in 1969 when...

... your friendster states that you've received a new comment 38 YEARS AGO!!!

... and no, that's not an edit.

and i received this in my messages in friendster on one fine day...

It's entitled: Why Chinese Must Not Have English Names

Anne Chang (Mandarin)- Dirty
Anne Chin (Mandarin) - Keep quiet
Faye Chen (Mandarin) - Dusty
Carl Cheng (Hokkien) - Buttock
Monica Cheng (Hokkien) - Touching your buttocks
Lucy Leow (Hokkien) - You are dead
Jane Tan (Mandarin) - Frying eggs
Suzie Leow (Hokkien) - Lost till death
Henry Mah (Mandarin) - Hate your mum
Corrine Tai (Hokkien) - Poor fellow
Paul Chan (Mandarin) - Bankrupt
Nelson Tan (Mandarin) - Bird laying
Leslie Tong (Mandarin) - Rubbish bin
Carmen Teng (Hokkien) - Leg hair long
Connie Mah (Mandarin) - Call your mother
Danny See (Hokkien) - Squeeze you to death
Rosie Teng (Hokkien) - Screws and nails
Pete Tsai (Hokkien) - Nose droppings
Macy Koh (Cantonese) - Never die before
Michael Tan (Cantonese) - sell chicken eggs

Now i finally understand why our ancestors always disagree with English names.

Beautiful Cool Weather Filled With Memories

Sometimes in life, there are just a string of nice events and whenever that happens, I will just tell myself that it’s just a matter of time before it is over. Consecutively two days, I’ve been having many nice things happening to me all at the same time.

Last Sunday, I went online. I’ve been online for the past few days and even the days when I was feeling unwell. Twice, I’ve seen that person who I always thought highly-of online. However, both time I saw her online, we didn’t even start a conversation between us despite her status wasn’t busy and mine weren’t too. I guess she must have felt it very awkward to start a conversation with me because of the events that happened between us. Well, at first place, I was quite elated and comforted to see her appearing online on my MSN (online messenger) list because I had the idea that she must have blocked me because she might be shy to see me again, judging from what has happened.

But anyways, the third time I saw her online was last Sunday. I thought that we would not be having a conversation with each other for that day. I leaned back on the chair, eyes staring on her name on my MSN list and wondering when will this whole thing end?? Or will it end this way?? When we will begin talking to each other together?? I felt pain in my heart whenever I saw her name appearing ‘Online’ on my MSN list.

As I was fiddling something with my Friendster profile, an MSN conversation suddenly popped up. Surprised to see who it was, but at the same time unexpected that it will be her, but it turned out to be her. I just couldn’t believe my eyes. She finally greeted me and the very next sentence that she wrote was an apology for not speaking to me for weeks. She reasoned that it was because she was very cooked-up with many things in school and in life.

But whatever we’ve chatted that day, I was in dilemma of whether to explain to her my feelings. I wanted to explain to her, actually, but at the same time, I had the thought that I wasn’t of any use anymore because it’s meaningless already. However, that urge of wanting to tell her what it grew stronger. I knew it would be a matter of time before I will have to explain the whole to thing to her. After she became a little more frank with me and told me that she was actually avoiding me these few weeks because she saw that I had a sad expression my face and ought to give me some time to breathe. Moreover, she had to put our friendship at stake because she had, and wanted to help her friend and bring back friend to her normal self because that her friend’s behaviour had deviated from her original self just recently.

I understood her. I thought that since she was being frank with me, it is only fair that I tell her what my feelings actually are. Moreover, this seemed like the most appropriate time to do so, though it might not seem to be very sincere, having to express feelings and thoughts that are meant to be said in person. I finally told her about my feelings and explained my actions. I didn’t make it too detail because I’m afraid that might hurt her… But there’s one very important thing I explained. I explained to her about the promise and how much she meant to me. As soon I stated about that piece of paper that I have once given her and said that that was actually a promise, she immediately said that I’ve not broken my promise. She said that because I’ve actually apologized to her in that ‘note’ accompanied with that surprise that I’ve given her that Friday because I couldn’t keep my promise. She remembered the contents written in that note!! That made me feel much better and a peace of mind that she’s actually read and remembered what I said. She added that the whole thing wasn’t my fault and it was her to be blamed because she had to stake our friendship to help close friend change back to her original self.

But the whole conversation and expression of feelings went well. Judging again from what she said and how her feelings was, I could only come to an inference that she’s not that person that I was thinking of: that person of bossy and annoying attitude. Instead, I should understand her current condition and help her get along. So, I told myself that the promise of protecting her is not broken after all. Looking back from now, I’m grateful that I’ve actually given ourselves a chance, that I did not tear that paper on that very spot weeks ago.

On Monday, which was just yesterday, another nice thing ‘happened’ to me. Schooling hours on Monday was beautiful. From the starting of school till the end of the day, the sky was moody and it drizzled for many hours. That created such a cool and beautiful atmosphere. The sky looked so beautiful and it was the mood that I loved most – moody and cloudy sky that covered the sunlight. The breeze that constantly blew was chilling cool. After schooling hours, when I was already downstairs walking towards to have a chat with my friends, I remembered of the people that meant most to me and I suddenly remembered about that girl that I said I’ll continue to keep my promise. As I remembered about her, about the promise, about our chat and explanation to each other yesterday, I remembered that I’ve forgotten to ensure that her seating place was all in good condition today.

Well, actually, everyday before I leave class, before I go home, I will ensure that her seating place was all alright. Her chair and her table, I will ensure that it was okay before I leave the class. If it isn’t at its best condition such as she doesn’t get a very good chair, I will swap a better chair for her. This is the very least I could do to protect her and to give her comfort. It wasn’t too hard anyways because we shared the common classroom, but just study at different times – I’m in the morning and she’s in the afternoon.

But on Monday, as I remembered that I’ve forgotten to ensure that her place was alright, immediately, my mind went blank and I paced quickly back to the class. I walked over to the empty class and to her seating place and realised that the surrounding area was really dirty and the whole place was filled with sparkling dust because my classmates had played it over there just now. The table and chair was full of that dust. In fact, the tables and chairs surrounding that area was all full of these sparkling dust and it must really be bad if someone were to sit on the chair full with all these things because it’s not easy to get them out because it sticks to the clothes and skin easily. Immediately, I scanned the classroom for a clean table and chair to swap it with her current table and chair. After swapping, the condition looked a little strange – all the tables and chairs surrounding hers was dirty, except for her one. Her table and chair was the outstanding one, it was the cleanest of all (and looked fishy being the cleanest table and chair there despite all the others around hers was dirty). I left it the way it is and did not bother to swap the other tables and chairs. After the whole incident, I told myself that I’ll be keeping my promise – I’ll protect her forever.

The whole thing portrayed here proved to me one thing – it proved to me that that promise made will still be fulfilled. It’s really hard to break such a promise. Certainly if none of these unpleasant events has happened between us, this incident of swapping her table and chair isn’t something special or unusual to me because I’ve been already swapping better chairs for her (today’s my first time swapping tables) for quite sometime. The whole thing just showed me that she still means a lot to me and I will continue that promise…

Well, that didn’t conclude the day. Something even more beautiful concluded the day for me. Pey meimei actually called me. Actually, I text messaged her that I’ve got a nice story to tell her (which is that story of swapping that table and chair) and she said that she’ll be calling me when if she arrives home early. At that instant when I received her message saying that she’ll be calling me, I felt so elated because we rarely talked to each other on the phone. We usually communicated with each other through SMS but this time she said she’ll be calling me later!! Of course, later in the night she actually called me and that was around 11.20pm and we chatted about lots and lots of things and our chat lasted for 50 minutes. This is longest time that we’ve been on the line chatting to each other so spontaneously and I really liked it because it also happened at such a beautiful time. I really enjoy talks like these which stretches across midnight because I think that these talks are really relaxing ones. Midnight chat, that’s what I call it.

Well, as for now, I’ve just messaged Pey meimei an hour plus ago and awaiting her reply. I guess she must have been a little busy for not replying me now, but it’s alright, I’ll always be waiting for her.

I’ve Grown Up Till Today…

A little boy, like all other little boys, I’ve grown up. Experienced moments when I fell and hurt my head and it caused me to have that scar and bump on my forehead till today… The things I’ve seen and experienced really taught me a lot.

But what life have I been going through the past few years?? I only have to realise myself drifting apart from my friends. My behaviour, it seems to be changing to become more of an introvert. I begin to realise that trusting people becomes a very hard thing. I begin to love the peacefulness without the noise of crowds. I begin to love sitting down in a quiet spot with my eyes closed, smiling because it’s such a peaceful place to contemplate and relax.

There’s one thing I learned throughout my secondary life years – I’ve learned how to love someone with my heart, not with my thoughts. I’ve learned how to appreciate time as its always changing and I might not be able to experience it again. I’ve learned how to appreciate and love the people I trust and care most with all my heart.

I’ve realised my personality. I found out myself and my identity. I heard and seen many people who are still in search of their true personality. I’m glad that I’ve found mine. What a rocky path it is. Looking back at the path I’ve trodden, at that young heart still at 13 years of age, I really wondered if I actually deserve to be receiving this, to be suffering like this. I often question myself if there were other kids at the common age as me, would be in the very same boat I’m in.

Growing out of 13 years old, I began to realise that it’s not really a suffering after all. I realise that it’s actually a path of life that everyone has got to go through, but it’s just a matter of time a person will go through it. And for me, if I were to think that the whole thing is still too early for my age, than this will be a blessing, because I’ve learned something earlier than many people out there. And I’ll constantly be learning more things which are more complex than this, that will give me great wisdom to lead this life with more knowledge and wisdom.

I’ve learned that the physical pain we suffer from injuries, sickness and infections aren’t as painful as the pain we felt in our heart when we have emotional problems such as depression. It’s the emotional and mental pain that is really bothering us. That is the most painful. Even till the extend of such inflicting pain we feel physically when we’ve broken our limbs or on the even verge of dying, we would tend to question ourself if we still want to continue with this life of ours. The answer would often be a resounding ‘No’ from the back of our head. The reason we give such an answer because we know that we still have something to do before we really have to go. I’m saying this because that question popped up in my mind like a window that pops up on your computer screen when I was feeling so sick and weak for the past week “Do you feel like terminating this life of yours??”

My answer was ‘No’ and that answer came from the back of mind. At that moment, I realised what I’ve still have yet to accomplish yet. The most prominent thing that I realised that I still have to do, is to explain to ‘that’ person about that surprise that I intended to give her and my feelings. The next thing would be my promise to Pey that I’ll protect her forever.

I don’t know of what my memories will be after my passing, even if my passing is yet to come, perhaps nearing already, or still far away. Will it all just perish and be gone like the white ashes of a burnt paper?? Will it remain in someone’s heart forever?? Will it be remembered?? But the very thing that I believe is that everything that I’ve experienced will be a history. Remembered or not by anybody, it will always remain in my heart, deep down there. They might say I go to Heaven, or being reborned and reincarnated. But whatever it is, it will always be in my heart no matter which form I will take.

Friday – Today I Feel Most Sorry For You (a continuation of “My Last Year in School For Sports Day”)

There are some things in life that we do at certain crucial moments, and after doing them, we feel really pleased with what we did. This happened to me today – I was in such a difficult situation and in dilemma of what to do, but suddenly my mind just told me what I should do and I went for it. After I did it, I was very surprised of what I did and I felt pleased and contented with myself that I have done the very best of choice and what I could do in that difficult situation.

Before I begin telling the experience I had today, let me tell you a beautiful story that isn’t related to my experience today. Sometimes, it’s nice to start a post in a different manner.

There is this true story that happened in Australia some time ago. There are these two old people, an old man and an old lady both living in the same old-folks home. They were very close together and were always talking to each other about experiences, pasts and thoughts. They are in love with each other and they care very much for one another. But they were too old for marriage, so they didn’t get married. The old man had only one relative left and it was his daughter living in the UK. He said to the old lady that if he were to go (pass-away) first, his final wish was to ask that old lady a simple favour of calling up his daughter to said he’s gone. The old lady promised him.

One day, that old man finally passed away of old age. The old lady was sobbing and suddenly remembered her promise to call his daughter of his passing. But then that old lady remembered that the old man hadn’t given her to number to call his daughter. So, the old lady went into his room and rummaged every drawer and closet to find that number. Unfortunately, she couldn’t even dig up a clue and she felt really sad and bad that she couldn’t fulfil a simple promise to someone (that old man) that meant to much to her.

One day, when that old lady fell asleep on the table, she heard a knock from her window. She opened her eyes, but could see no one outside her window. So she thought it must been a thief or something so she continued sleeping. She was then awoken by the noise that sounded like the closing of her door in her room. She opened her eyes once again but only to remember she had locked her room and it must have been another dream. Her room hadn’t got any ventilation because the fan wasn’t on, the door was locked and the windows were closed. But there was a very soft breeze of wind that lifted a tissue paper from the table and moved to her. The tissue paper was practically levitating by itself as if someone had brought it to her. Then, that tissue paper fell onto the floor. The old lady picked up the tissue paper and found a series of telephone numbers written on it. She then instantly knew that it was the ghost of the old man, that so lovingly and kindly woken her up from her sleep, levitated that tissue and dropped it on the floor in front of her to get her attention. She finally called the daughter of the old man when one of the numbers she dialled that was written on that tissue paper was picked up.

From the story, we could see such beautiful loving-kindness that really touches our heart.

And now, let me tell you my experiences that happened today. Schooling time was quite fun today. During my physical education period, I saw some students from the afternoon-session came for their house practice. They were preparing to race against each other in running. I had long not been running already and the last time I was in a race when I was in primary school, that was when I was in Standard Five. That time, as I could still recall it, I was selected to enter MSSD for my school for running. MSSD is some kind of event held for various sports competition against many schools. So for me, representing MSSD means I’m representing the school for running. Oh yes, I also recall that at that moment, I was the fastest runner in school for my year, which was kind of fictitious to me because I’m so skinny and underweight, I’m sure they’re fitter people and those who could run faster than me but they just didn’t want to enter MSSD. But anyways, that’s not important because that was more than 6-7 years ago… that’s just history…

I just joined them in the starting line and when the race began, I ran as fast as I could. But I realised that I couldn’t run as fast compared to my old-self 6-7 years ago. I slowed down a lot. But anyways, I was surprised to emerge as first. I chuckled and thought this must be a joke to get first despite for not running for so many years. But anyways, I just ran for a one-time 100 meters just for the fun of it and the finishing line was just only metres away from where Leng and her friends were playing some basketball throwing games with other female friends of the classes involved in the Physical Education period as mine. I wondered if she saw me running. But I thought that it even if she saw, that wasn’t important because I know that I didn’t like her anymore.

Back to Physics class in the Physics laboratory after Physical Education period, I sat on the same table with Leng and her friends (I don’t usually sit here). We chatted a little about tomorrow’s outing (yeah, my friend, which is a good friend with Leng, invited me out to an outing for the movie Harry Potter and The Order Of The Phoenix tomorrow). Not long that, I also told them a story, which is the story about the two old people just to entertain them. Everything went smoothly, until the end of my school session…

Remember I said that I’ll be giving that surprise to her today?? (If you don’t know who’s that ‘her’ I’m referring to, read this post first). Well, yeah, I did bring that surprise with me to school today. It’s rather small in size and I kept it in a white plastic bag. My class is actually used my two classes, one of which is the morning session (which is my class) and the afternoon session. She’s from the afternoon session and co-incidentally she also uses my class during the afternoon. Because today’s a Friday, I had to stay back for Taekwondo later. Since I didn’t have anywhere to go or do today, I stayed back in class to do my homework and also to meet her (if she comes up to class) so that I could give her that surprise.

After lunch, I came back up to the class and saw her already there, accompanied by a group of friends. I greeted her from her back casually, and because I was nervous, I didn’t go approach them and chat with them, but instead, headed towards my seat and started on my homework. If she wasn’t with her friends, I would have braved myself to have personally approached her to give her that present. I was afraid if I approached her at that moment when her friends were there, her friends would have thought that I liked her and that would only make her feel embarrassed, which wasn’t good, and I didn’t like her thinking and suffering from that. Thus, I didn’t approach her at that moment.

Moments later, after chatting with her friends for some time, she went off downstairs with her friends, leaving me all alone now by myself. I thought that it could have been worst now if I were to approach her at this moment, that would only mean that I’m approaching her in front of the public. I thought for a moment that I couldn’t have done anything better, except to just continue with my homework. So I just sat there continuing on my homework, wondering if the chance would come so that I could surprise her.

Every moment I take a glance at my watch, I would only have to realise that time was running out. Chance wouldn’t be there for me if the time is getting shorter and shorter as I waited. I had even the idea of writing her a note and putting that surprise under her desk, but I feared if someone were to realise that first before she would, that person would have taken the surprise and spoiled all the sincerity and the surprise that was all intended only for her.

After a long time, she finally came up once again. I looked up, my heartbeat went faster, when I realised it was her, and she said “Wah, you’re still here, so long already!” but I merely smiled, and didn’t say anything, then continued with my work. I couldn’t concentrate on my work. My mind was running wild thinking of ways to give her that surprise and everything just keep flooding my mind until I almost got a headache. But this time, I still couldn’t give her the surprise, because she was still with her friends. Actually, the issue of me not giving her the surprise yet is not mainly because of fearing that I’ll embarrass her in front of her friends, but it was more of me feeling all that nervousness in me. A few minutes after she came up, she went down again. Both times she went down, she didn’t even bid me goodbye. I didn’t bid her goodbye anyways, because I was still feeling nervous, so I guess that she must have thought that why she should even bid me goodbye if I didn’t.

The bell finally rang, indicating that school for the afternoon students have started. I knew there wasn’t any chance anymore. At this precise moment, I felt that very same feeling yesterday that I wanted to tear that paper into pieces, but I just resisted, because I couldn’t do it – I was just too attached and bonded to my promise and felt too attached to her. I told myself to not break that promise yet, as I’ve said I’ve given today another chance, so it would mean I still have given a chance to the whole day, and not only up till this moment – I shall see what circumstances has got to come until the day ends.

I knew very well that I couldn’t have another chance already to give her that surprise. Now that I know that she isn’t the person that I have always thought to be, I couldn’t keep that promise anymore and that surprise has lost it’s meaning of lots of significance of her to me so that surprise is no longer of use to me. Since that surprise is no longer of any use to me, so I just wanted to give it to her now, but the difference between giving her that surprise yesterday and now was completely different – now I wanted to give her that surprise is because it has no longer have any use to me and there is no longer that ‘feel’ of wanting to give her that surprise out of some ‘deep’ and sentimental feelings.

After Taekwondo, I saw Leng’s sister walked pass by me. We didn’t greet each other because she didn’t look into my direction. Now I regret not calling her name to greet me. The moment I saw her, she looked soo beautiful that I didn’t have any more words to describe her. Instead of her usual double ponytail hairstyle that she ties, today her hair was only a single ponytail. That made her looked less cute, but more beautiful (cute and beautiful are two different things to me). Then the thought of the reason of me liking her suddenly emerged in my mind: Whether I liked her because of her appearance and looks or her personality. I questioned myself and took some moments to think, then finally said it was because of her personality that I fell in love for, not too much of her looks. I just loved her personality.

When I was busy thinking about all the things I’ve done today and how could I not have to chance to present that surprise to her, suddenly she just walked pass me. When she walked pass me, she was actually facing my back. But I’m positive that she could have recognized me from the back, because she had once patted me on my back to greet me when I didn’t see her. However, when she walked pass me, she didn’t even greet me. I wondered what’s wrong in between our relationship now. Has it been me that made it worst?? Could all my nervousness have caused me not to greet and talk to her normally and caused all these problems??

The moment she disappeared from my view, that thought of the surprise stroked me again. I remembered that the surprise was no longer of any use to me and I would still have to give her this surprise even if I had to, or not, to break that promise to myself that I’ll protect her, forever. It’s like a task, may it be the final task or not, I would still have to complete this task. I gave some time to think how I should give her this surprise and thought that I should go find her in the field (which was crowded of people practicing their marching) but then abandoned that idea thinking it’s very unwise to do that because of various obvious reasons.

After pacing around for about half-an-hour, I just suddenly thought of something so sentimental to me and really couldn’t reason out how I could have even thought of that. I thought that since she’s in the field and it’s hard for me to find her there, I would instead write a note of explanation and expression of thoughts and give it together with that surprise by asking her friend sitting beside her in class to pass it to her.

I dashed for my pencil case and tore out a piece of paper from an exercise book, ran to the canteen and begin writing a note to her. The note turned out to be a five-paragraph note that looked more like a letter. In that ‘note’, I explained that I intended to have given that present to her yesterday but explained why I couldn’t do that, why I couldn’t have given her that surprise just now, how nervous I felt, my sincerity and it’s only a gesture of sincere friendship between us and I have no feelings beyond that.. I ended with an apology, without an explanation, that I couldn’t keep my promise.

I felt really sad. I put that ‘note’ into that white plastic bag with that surprise inside and headed for her class, asked permission from the teacher in the class that I wanted to meet the girl who sits beside her and when the teacher allowed me, I went over to that girl. Well, apparently, I knew this girl that sits beside her. She’s also in the common club that I’m in. She’s a very quiet girl, even quieter than I am. And I can understand how lonely she felt because I believe that we share that same lonely feeling. So sometimes, I try to talk to her when we’re in the meeting, but she would only nod and if she has to, she would answer in short replies that is only enough to answer the questions that I pose to her. I feel like helping her because I see soo many things in common in us and I understand how it feels to be like this.

As I was walking, nearing to that shy girl, many students of the class looked at me and I believe that they must have wondered of what business I’ve got to do with this girl who’s so shy and almost doesn’t speak in class. Other than knowing this girl, I also know a few more people from this class and I also believe they must have been curious why I’m finding this girl. As I reached this girl, I squatted down to lower the attention of the class, and had to catch my breath because I actually ran up to this class. The look of surprise on the girl’s face was clearly obvious – she must also have thought of why I have come to look for her. The thing I was most surprised of is that when I squatted down and the moment I had to catch a quick breath, she actually smiled. I was surprised because she rarely smiles and I think that she must have felt elated that there is actually someone (which is me in this case) come and find her, because I believe that no one’s ever came to find her in front of the public (which is the whole class looking at her now) and now she’s receiving so much attention.

But I still had to continue on what I must do. I asked her to help me pass that to ‘her’ and she took it from my hands and put it under ‘her’ table. I pleaded to her to not allow anyone at all to look at what’s inside. Then I stood up, and leaned closer towards her to keep my voice really low, and pleaded to her once more about not allowing anyone to see the contents. She nodded. I think I’ve forgotten to thank her because I was nervous and I was then receiving a lot of attention from the class and I left the class immediately after that.

As I took my step out of her class, I felt as if a boulder of responsibility and task has been lifted off my shoulder. That was the very moment I precisely felt and realised that what I did was right and was very surprised of how this thought could even have came across my mind out of nowhere. That thought was like a blessing, it was like a sudden brainwave, like an enlightenment. That was the best move I could have made out of that situation. That whole thing was like a task to me, it’s like a responsibility that I know I had to fulfil it sooner or later and I’ve successfully fulfilled it.

If I am forced to break that promise, then that would be my last responsibility and task towards her. If I’m forced to break such a promise that mean so very much to me, it would mean that I am to break this attachment and bond that is the cause of all these sufferings.

This is how much those significant and important people mean to me in my life. Sometimes, I feel that they’re a part of me and feel the same responsibility to protect them from harm as much as I protect myself. This is how much I care for them and how much I love them. This is me.

From all these experiences that we gain as we go through life, we learn from them. Although all these things happened in a time-span that’s not too long, but for the events that happened are really a lot. This tells us clearly that experiences and wisdom of a person doesn’t depend on solely on time, but it depends mostly on how many events and how big the events that happened are. I have learned so much from this experience and want to share it with everyone. I hope everyone would treat the ones who are most significant to them with the utmost importance and care because we just never know when this will last. Because we know, one day, the people around us will all perish, we will perish from here, too. But we know not of the time that our loved ones will go, and that’s why this is the most important time – this is the most important time to love them as much as you can.