My Last Year in School For Sports Day

This is a really, really sentimental post that carries a great meaning to me. It's difficult to explain, but the feelings lie deep down in my heart...
Note: This post is the post that i've mentioned that perhaps, or perhaps i'll not publish it. Today, i saw something that really, really hurt my heart so much that i feel like bursting into tears now... Perhaps publishing this is and will be a mistake, but i've made up my mind to publish this after what i've just saw minutes ago...
This is part one of the story... i'll be posting up part 2 very soon (tomorrow if possible)...

I’ve been doing a debate with myself on whether I should really write this. This is because the events that happened today and the feelings that I felt is all about somebody, and I’m afraid that when read by that person, conflicts will occur. Due to that reason, I’ll not be using names in this post. Since this all related to a girl, so it’ll be a she. And yes, she’s someone really significant to me, but don’t you go guessing that she’s one of the significant people in my life that I’ve mentioned because I’ll not give you the answer of ‘yes’ or a ‘no’.

Well, it was last Saturday when I was out with my family to Bandar Utama, I suddenly remembered that I wanted to get a gift for her. It wasn’t her birthday or some significant date, but I remembered that I once asked her is she liked this thing. She said yes and I further questioned her in detail of what exactly of that thing she liked.

I wanted to surprise her with that gift and waited all till today for it…

Lets flashback some days before this day arrived. In the Monday assembly, some teacher in charge of this whole event said that in order to get into the stadium (which the event will be held) on Thursday (which is today), we had to wear our new house T-shirt if not we won’t be allowed in. I thought that’s ridiculous because I just have only a few more months before I graduate from secondary school and it’ll be pointless for me to just buy that new shirt just to get into the stadium on this day.

I discussed this matter with some of my friends but they all didn’t care very much about this. I did some thinking and finally said to myself that it’s quite true that the school likes to talk big like this but will eventually allow us in. However, during my Tuesday’s recess, I saw many people buying that new shirt from the school’s co-op and I did some quick thinking again. I said to myself “Never mind, just buy it. You’re really anticipating for this Thursday and you really want to meet her. Remember the thing you wanted to give her?? You can’t risk not being allowed into the stadium because you really want to meet her.” And so, I took out my wallet and bought the shirt. Frankly, after buying that shirt, I felt so relieved of worries before this that I won’t be allowed in if I don’t have this new shirt. Now I have it, I’m lifted of all these worries!!

It’s finally Thursday!! When I was in the stadium, I was sitting down all alone because none of my friends came, and I don’t even have many friends anyway so I knew that I will be alone that day anyway. I was feeling lonely, but I was happy whenever I thought that I would be giving her that surprise and seeing that joyful expression on her face. I sat there for a moment, alone, thinking of where I could meet her…

She finally appeared a few metres away from me, accompanied by her friends. I met her friend’s eyes first and we greeted each other. She then saw me and we greeted each other from a distance. I don’t know what got into me, but I was feeling nervous. Do we always feel nervous when we want to give a surprise to someone?? Because of all these problem with nerves, I turned my head away after greeting them and pretended to be resuming my concentration on the runners on the stadium’s track. The thought of that surprise kept bobbing into my head bugging me every second. I looked behind but only to realise that they were gone, she was gone. I scolded myself in my mind and stood up, and proceeded to the backstage to take a breath of fresh air.

I stood at the backstage for some time. In fact, I almost actually was there the whole time when I was in the stadium because there was some breeze of air and it wasn’t too crowded with people as I don’t really fancy big crowds. How much I craved to listen to some music at that moment but I didn’t take my MP3 out from my pocket because I thought it would look really awkward doing so, it would look as if I’m showing off, but I’m not.

I practically was looking left and right, up and down in search of the sight of her. I couldn’t even spot her shadow and knew that she must have been enjoying with her friends. I waited and waited for such a long time at the backstage, just standing there like a log and guessed I looked like some anti-social person standing there all alone for a long period of time. But I didn’t mind, all I wanted is to give that surprise to her. The thought of me doing all this, buying the new shirt, buying that gift, wanting to surprise her, coming to the stadium without having any friends to talk to so that I could let time pass and standing there like a log really drives me nuts thinking why am I putting in so much effort for this. Is my heart really up to something??

My feelings stooped lower and lower as time passed by because I didn’t see her. Well, if you’re suggesting that I go find her instead of just standing there, it would be a very wise idea, but then I was just having problems with nerves to just go up to her and surprise her. I wanted to make everything look natural. Because of that, I didn’t even prepare my speech of what I should say when I gave her that surprise because I knew I’d made a mistake in my speech if I were to prepare them. I planned to just go with the flow.

Couldn’t stand it anymore, I walked downstairs. Finally I spotted her, but she wasn’t looking into my direction. To make things worst, I was feeling all that nervousness again that caused me to refuse to look at her direction. We just walked pass each other without looking at each other, without even greeting each other. I felt sillier this time.

I saw something of her when we walked pass each other. To be frank, I really disliked what I saw. I didn’t expect and believed what I saw. She was with a group of friends and she seemed to be making a fringe of her hair and those little actions that you see some girls who really cared about beauty doing their hair. Not only that, she was walking in some style of coolness. I thought to myself, is this the person that I’m thinking highly of?? Is it her personality?? Because people who are like this, as I’ve very much seen in life, are those ‘popular’ type of people that have some irritating and bossy attitude in them. And I don’t really fancy people with such attitudes. And worst of all, we walked pass each other without greeting each other and I have a very good guess that she also pretended to not see me at that moment, because we were just so close to each other and could have easily spotted each other.

I felt that pain of my heart, as if it’s being squeezed really hard and tight. The thought of her being someone so influential and significant in my life made me feel so guilty.

In my wallet, there are a few papers that are written in Korean “I’ll protect you, trust me, forever.” and behind those pieces of paper, are written in Korean, the names of the people who I swore in my heart that I’ll protect them, forever.

I felt so pain in my heart and put my hands into my pocket, intending to take out my wallet and tear that piece of paper, where her name was written, into pieces. Upon my hand reached into the pocket and my hands, that instant almost pulled my wallet out, my sub-conscious mind told me “Give yourself a chance, give her a chance, give us a chance.’ I was on that verge of pulling out my wallet, opening it and tearing that paper into bits but my mind asked me to just give it another chance. It was hard and I was already on the verge of tears. I released that grasp of my wallet and took a deep breath. I told myself that it’s true that I should just give it another chance, and I said to myself that I’ll give it till tomorrow. Tomorrow I will give her that surprise and explain it to her why I didn’t give it to her today.

The day just ended like that with me spending some time contemplating and writing this here. I felt very bad. I felt that I have broken a promise, a promise to someone so important to me. I really keep promises deep down inside my heart and will never break them, especially to the people that meant the most to me and are like my life and soul to me. But today, the whole incident really inflicted so much pain that I didn’t expect that person that meant so much to me, turned out to have some other personality. It was worst that I have already promised that I’ll protect her, forever, and have to break it. She’s someone that meant so much to me, someone that I have promised such a thing that I’m so loyal to but I had to break that promise. But I didn’t break that promise yet, because I told myself to just give ourselves another chance and see what will happen tomorrow when I’m going to present her that surprise. Then only I’ll judge that if I’ll still adhere to that promise.

I remember talking about loyalty and how I felt about that virtue and how much I adhere to that in my life. If a promise is made, especially a promise made to someone that means so much to you, you’ll feel very loyal to it, you’ll never break it, no matter what it is. The promise that you’ll love your wife till eternity even in the good times and bad times, that promise you make at that moment you tell her, looking in her eyes, when agreeing to marry her, is more than a promise; it’s a promise that is filled with all the loyalty in the world, and you’ll never break it. That is how much loyalty I feel about promises that I make to the people that mean so much to me, especially the promise “I’ll protect you, trust me, forever.”

I am sorry.

The Friday I Didn’t Attend School

Today’s a Friday and I didn’t attend school because I needed some rest to recover from my sickness. There’s this feeling of uneasiness whenever I miss a day in school. I keep thinking of what there is for me over there that I must have missed and little memories keep seeping into my mind every moment I’m breathing at home. And this is why I often regret not going to school.

But today’s worst. Today is a Friday and I really love Fridays. On Fridays, I usually get my really enjoyable time after my morning schooling hours to sit down under those two trees or take a slow stroll along the corridors of my class that has once been my class during the previous years, and remembering of beautiful nostalgic memories and smiling at them. Mostly at these times, or perhaps, every time I do this, I’ll be alone. The classes will be deserted because the morning classes has ended and the afternoon classes only starts at 2.20pm, the school is also quite empty because the morning students has went back home and the afternoon students only start to arrive at school at only about 2pm. So this was the best time for me to enjoy the peace and quietness for myself to cool my mind off.

Because I’m absent from school today and now’s 12.59pm, I am missing that moment that I am supposed to sit under that tree now. I’m missing that moment that I’m taking a stroll along the corridors and around the school. The day isn’t too hot now, it’s beautiful. I feel lonely now sitting at home. At least, in school, I still have a little walking freedom to roam around aimlessly. But I know if I was a bit tougher yesterday and insisted that I wanted to attend school today, surely I will be in that position. I’m truly regretting it now.

The internet isn’t working. I’m praying for Pey that she’ll be well on her Biology trip and nothing will harm her. But I couldn’t really contact her now because she messaged me and told me that she had to off her cell phone. I’m sitting down in this rattan chair and typing this really makes me feel restless.

Ah, it is 1.04pm now. I just keep thinking about sitting under that tree. Well, last week, after Taekwondo and as usual, Leng’s sister was having her Physical Education period and she was sitting under that shade with a friend of hers. They seemed like they aren’t joining their friends in their sports but instead, they were reading storybooks and chatting to each other at the same time. I looked at them for a while and contemplated if I should go there, greet them and talk to her. I braved myself and walked over there slowly. I stood there for a few seconds before Leng’s sister and her friend actually looked up at me, realised that it was me and said ‘Hello’. Apparently, she and her friend were both sitting down, cross-legged beside each other. I greeted them and then squatted in front of them, but later then only sat down cross-legged. We chatted just a little because she and her friend were both chatting and teasing each other. I find them funny and cute and I kept paying attention to Leng’s sister because she looked so cute.

And that’s another reason why I regretted not attending school today – I have wasted a chance to talk to Leng’s sister after Taekwondo. I could have been sitting down with her and chatting with her happily. But instead of being in that position, I have to endure the mental pain of me sitting down here just thinking about it.

It’s only a matter of time that this year will finally have to come to an end and I wouldn’t be seeing her again. What I really hope is that the friendship between me and Leng will not break after our final year in secondary school. In this way, we can further strengthen our bond between each other and I’ll still be able to see her sister. These are really… just one of those fears and attachment that we really don’t want to part from after our secondary school life.

The Things That We’ve Always Strongly Believed Often Disappoints us…

Sometimes, I just realise how naïve I can be in believing things or people that I trust and love most. They often, just awaken me up from my dreams and beliefs that they actually don’t look at me as much as I look at them. They don’t treat me and think of me as significant as I think of them. Then when I realise it, I would only have to sit there and contemplate of what has happened, why have I have entrusted them so much, why have I loved them so dearly and worst of all, to regret about the whole thing.

I’ve been sick with fever of alternating temperatures for the past 5 days. I’ve been absent from school for the whole week. But who could have cared? Humans are beings that require love to survive. We seek attention and translate the amount of attention given to us as how much people care for us. I’m human, but since I’m anti-social, I understand that people wouldn’t notice me much, and that doesn’t really matter to me. But sometimes, I just wished there was someone out there, who could have very least ask about my condition. But that never happened.

It’s been of some degree of suffering for the past 5 days, especially the chronic headache and uneasiness feeling from head to toe. But there’s one thing I realised, this suffering is really nothing and incomparable to that excruciating pain you feel in your heart when you have emotional problems and matters that break your heart. That’s more painful. Though I have known this fact for quite some time, but through this sickness, I have proven myself again that this fact is indeed true.

Very often, I will be wondering how much the person I really love and trust will be thinking of me. I can understand that if that person won’t be thinking too much about me because perhaps that person doesn’t have feelings for me yet. But this thing to me doesn’t really have to be someone who I hope to like me. That person could even have been someone who I look up to, trust and love and nothing beyond that for this time being. But the worst thing to know is that the person who always says to you that she/he loves you and trusts you, but you one day realise that that person who says that actually doesn’t think of you as highly as you think of them. And that hurts a lot, really a lot.

I often reflect on my personality and learned a lot about myself. Some people who are still quite lost about themselves and don’t quite know themselves well, I think that they don’t really reflect on themselves. I learned that I’m anti-social. I don’t mix much with people because I realise that they cannot be trusted and they’re always sly. However, I understand this doesn’t apply to all people. I know some of them will stab you from your back. But most of all, the reason why I don’t mix with them because I find that I’m not compatible with their conversations. Boys usually talk about computer games and the alike and girls will be in their other world talking about friendship and relationship issues. Well, I myself prefer to sit down alone and think about nice memories. Of course I would like to talk to someone, but with someone compatible on topic conversation. And because of this feeling and need to speak out my feelings to somebody, or something, there came about this blog. Because I needed to think of someone close to my heart when I’m happy or sad or just anytime that I like, I have entrusted all my trust into two people.

But as I’ve said, some people that I’ve entrusted so much and think of them so much, only I will have to realise that they don’t think as highly as I think of them. It’s alright if this happens if only that person doesn’t express how much I meant to them. But if that person always expresses how much I meant to them and they also mean a lot to me and when I actually realise that that person doesn’t really think of me as significant as I think of them, then that will just break your heart into pieces. This is what I’m trying to say – it’s like unrequited love, but this may or may not involve the type of love between two couples, it may just be the love of great friendship and trust.

But this does not weaken my personality to trust that person. No matter how disappointed I will be, I will always forgive; I will always be patient and wait, no matter how long that that person will finally begin to think highly of me as I think of that person. This is my personality and I will always stand firm on it. I’m not that type of person who is eager to follow the crowd or trend. This is me and I am contented with who I am.

All-in-one rojak post

Yeah, you know, i've been lazy, so i didn't write anything. About those posts i've written and saved in Microsoft Word?? Maybe i'll be some time before i decide if i really will post it up... but for now... let me tell you the little things that happened in my life... in a casual way =D

Firstly... I got a fever with the peak temperature of 39.4 degrees celcius. But anyways, that's not the end of the story, to top up with the high temperature, i had an excruciating pain of headache in the frontal lobe of my brain and i can't sleep because of such great pain. Not only that, i had sore-throat (which luckily wasn't nasty), flu, aching joints (especially in the neck) and also an uncomfortable stomach.

Well, i guess those are the complications when you fall sick. That was yesterday though. Today i feel much better. Medicines i took?? Of course i had to take MANY of them to be able to be alive typing here now. Cumulatively, i took 5-6 tablets of Panadol (500mg acetaminophen tablet), 2 tablets of Brufen (400mg ibuprofen per tablet) , 2 lozenges, 2 tablets of Amoksiklav (375mg Amoxicillin clavulanic acid per tablet). Now that's some dosage. Seriously, taking Brufen scares me because it's very nasty to the stomach if you're taking it on an empty stomach. The worst thing after Brufen will definitely have to be Amoksiklav because it made my saliva taste soo bad and i felt like vomitting.

Ok, lets skip the sickness part. I didn't attend school today because i was feeling lousy in the morning. But the whole thing was, i missed Leng's sister soo much. Especially at 4pm. 4pm reminds me of lots of things. But the 2 most significant things i will remember when it's 4pm is that Leng's sister will be having her recess and if i'm at school at this time, i will be able to see her, which will make me very happy (i reckon that my sickness will be healed the moment i see her). The second thing i will remember when it's 4pm is that this is the time that Pey will arrive home.

Yesterday when i was lying down on bed, Pey messaged me and said someone said something nasty to her on her friendster. I was surprised but angry at that person who did that to her. I literally wanted to scold that person who bullied Pey. But anyways, i couldn't go online because of the internet was soo lousy due to the rainy weather. So i waited till this morning and the very first thing after i turned on my computer, i went to check Pey's profile, tracked down to this girl who said nasty things to her and wrote a comment to her. I didn't scold her, but i surely did warn her not to ever disturb Pey anymore if not... if not i'll just lodge a police report then. Well, the idea of lodging a police report sounds serious, but think again, my sister Pey is being bullied and harrassed and i've sworn to her and myself that i'll protect her forever no matter what happens. Oh, read this about Kenny Sia reporting to the police about his friend, IcyQueenGoddess being harrassed by some anonymous person.

I had a very good Friday last week. Well, except for one incident that didn't turn out the way i expected it to be. But anyways, the day ended really pleasantly for me that Friday. I'll tell the experience about it next time when i have more time.

Oh, i wonder if this is good or bad news. My black belt grading will be held on 11th August. A day before Pey's birthday. Why good news?? Good news because i'll finally be getting black belt. Why bad news?? Bad news because i'm not prepared especially for my 1-step-sparring, and Poomse (pattern).

Oh and finally, i've not forgotten to post a picture of me... just that... i was just... trying to procrastinate time ;) people kept pestering me to put up a picture of me, and if you want to know who are those who kept pestering me so you could thank them because i'm finally going to put my picture up now, they are Noisy Minny, Food Advertiser Andulu and i guess, even No-Chatbox Lollipop also once asked me. For those of you who's asked me once before but i've forgotten to mention you or just that you want extra attention, then flame and spam Mr Chattie Box and i'll put you name up here, alright??

But anyways, haven't i promised you guys that i'll post my picture when i get my black belt??
Well, prepare yourself because in a very few moments, you'll be having your worst nightmare (please have your breakfast/lunch/dinner/supper before scrolling down, thank you. This is a community message brought to you by the people who've seen me before.)
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(oh, i learnt this gimmick-for-wasting-your-time from Wingz)
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Wow, you scroll pretty fast, don't you??
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...you guys just can't wait, can you??

Friday 29th June 2007

This day is exceptionally beautiful. This is the day that I’m most anticipated to be talking about. Everything happened after my morning schooling hours…

I had club meeting this week. As usual, I went to the canteen to get a quick lunch and was a few minutes late after the meeting started. Well, I must have a quick lunch because my morning schooling hours ends at 12.30pm and the meeting starts at 12.45pm. So certainly, with some delay here and there (ie. Getting down from the third floor and through all the traffic), I naturally tend to lose some time unintentionally.

As soon as I walked into the classroom, I then realised that I wasn’t too late after all. I saw Voon Pang and greeted her the moment I met her in the class. I was excited, but tried to remain my calm and cool. Imagine meeting up with someone you think highly of and someone really significant in your life once a week. That’s how excited I was.

After handing in my attendance card, I went to sit with Voon Pang and we began chatting. I remembered that I have written her Korean name for her as a surprise, so I took out my wallet and took out that little piece of paper that I wrote her Korean name in it. About my wallet, as I’ve mentioned it before, I keep those little things in it (usually Korean words) that usually are very ‘close’ to my heart.

She said she’s not seen those Korean characters before. Well, I thought she could have been more excited than that but it was alright. She then put that little piece of paper into her pocket and but she seems to be struggling with her pocket. Then she took out two little pieces of nougats in plastic wrappers and gave one to her female friend sitting behind (which was also my friend that I got to know from Voon Pang) and GAVE ONE TO ME!! I was soo happy!! Now you can imagine someone that means soo much to you giving something to you, although nothing much, but that really touched my heart. I thanked her. She certainly could have given that to someone else such as the other girl, which was her classmate sitting behind too, but she gave it to me instead. How beautiful can that be?

Everything went well. We chatted and laughed together at lots of things and when it’s time’s up, she had to go. I walked her and her friend (which was that friend of mine too that I mentioned earlier) to the canteen and then parted when she had to go to the hall because school had just begun for her.

The next beautiful thing happened when I was having my Taekwondo. When the bell rang, it indicated the recess for the afternoon students. My mind alerted me that I could possibly see Leng’s sister at this time. When I was resting, she suddenly appeared there.

As usual, she was alone by herself. Upon meeting each other’s eyes, we smiled waved as a gesture of greeting to each other. She looked as cute as ever. She hanged out at a green pole and after a few moments of thought, I gathered some courage and walked over to her. Now it was us together. She wasn’t with her friends and I wasn’t with my friends too, so we were there in the middle of the crowd walking pass us and having a chat. I was feeling really elated being able to talk to someone I love.

These are some conversations between us that weren’t in order…

“Hi.” She said.

“I heard that you play maple, right??” I asked her. Apparently I had forgotten to say ‘Hi’ in reply.

“Yeah. How did you know??” she asked.

“Your sister told me,” I said.

“You play it too??”

“Yeah, but I’m very low-level.” I replied. “So what server do you play??” I asked.

“Cassiopeia” she replied.

“Oh, I see. I play Bootes… can’t help you.” I paused for a moment. “Maybe next time I give you my account…”

“Why?? You don’t want to play anymore??”

“No time. It’s nearing exams.”

“You can play it during the holidays.”

I don’t quite recall what I said after that, but I think I didn’t reply that question but merely looked her in the eye and smiled.

“Oh yeah… so how was your exams??” I asked.

“Oh, don’t ask.” She smiled but seems to be laughing at the same time. She was soo cute when she said that. But I didn’t continue that topic since she told me not to ask further.

But anyways, the conversation that was most beautiful that day between me and her was this…

“So you’re not going for your Karate training??” she asked me.

“Sorry??” I asked, because I didn’t really heard what she was asking.

“So you’re not going for your Karate training??” she asked once again.

I took a few seconds contemplating what she was trying to ask me and alas, got her idea.

“Oh, it’s Taekwondo.” I smiled and pointed at my big Taekwondo badge-logo on my uniform.

“Oh, haha.” She laughed.

“Nope, we’re resting now.” I turned and looked if there was any red-belts because if they were still people in red-belts, it means that I’m still having my rest-time, if they weren’t any, they’re then in the hall training already and rest-time’s over. Apparently at that moment, they weren’t any of them, so it meant that my rest time is over and I had to go back to the hall for training.

She pointed at the yellow belts training on my left.

“Oh, they’re yellow belts. I’m different from them” I said.

“So you’re red belt.” She said.

“Yeah.” I replied. “Maybe I’m supposed to be inside training now,” I said. “But never mind, I’ll be out here with you… since you’re alone.” I added.

“I’m used to be being alone already.”

Thinking back of that whole scene, I was quite impressed with what I did. I said that me training had started but I didn’t want to go in because I wanted to be with her since she was alone. But later, she asked what time it was and when she realised that it was about time for her to go, she excused herself, bid each other goodbye and went off. I looked at her from her back and told myself how much I really love her.

But there was one thing in between out chat that happened. This wasn’t too good.

Suddenly when we’re chatting, a female friend of mine (which was that girl that I said I got to know from Voon Pang) suddenly appeared and called me loudly and said “Kean Lee, Voon Pang’s there!!” I was speechless and smiled at her. I was already wondering what I should do. I was chatting with Leng’s sister and of all a sudden, another girl just popped up.

If you want to know how I felt like, imagine you and someone you love soo much were chatting together but someone, who was the opposite gender of you and so happen to be just ONLY A CASUAL FRIEND suddenly called you and told you something. Now how would the person standing beside you that you love soo much (and probably that that person that you love also loves you) feel?? At that moment, you just feel like ignoring that friend who called you but at the same time, you can’t do that to a friend.

“Who’s that??” Leng’s sister asked me.

“Ohh… just a friend… that I got to know from society.” I replied.

I can’t believe that Leng’s sister asked me who that girl was. But that question from Leng strikes two probable theories. Firstly is that Leng’s sister MIGHT be jealous that, that girl called me and told me something and secondly she might misunderstand that I like that girl that suddenly called me, which is NOT true.

So that was everything nice that happened that day. It was such a rare chance for me to be talking with Leng’s sister!! And also such a meaningful thing to receive something from Voon Pang. That thing really touched my heart. I guess I was on the verge of tears when Voon Pang gave me that.

Monday 25th June 2007, Tuesday 26th June 2007 and Wednesday 27th June 2007

This wasn’t a very good day, in fact, it wasn’t good at all. If you’ve read that previous post that I wrote that day explaining the reasons I have this blog, then you’ll see why this day is bad.

I won’t repeat what happened and how I felt about this day because I’ve written it all in that previous post.

However, the matter has been solved. The next day after this incident happened (which was a Tuesday), I didn’t attend school with the excuse that I was sick. I wasn’t sick actually, but I needed that day off for me to clear off what’s in my head and I was, at the same time afraid of seeing those people who told me that they’ve found out of this blog the next day.

But on Wednesday, I went to school. The very first thing I did after I put my bag down on the chair, I went over to face them. I apologized for me being rude that Monday and because one of the person have to leave for some events, I only had to begin my explanation later on. I was grateful that it was Maths period for the first 2 periods and we usually never quite paid attention to this teacher because she doesn’t care about us anyways. So I chose a vacant seat and asked them to come over because I had to settle this matter with them by hook or by crook and as soon as possible. I explained it to them in detail and in a calm manner.

The whole explanation went smoothly. It was some confessing of thoughts as well but not to touch on my secrets, as I have never wanted even them to know about it. Everything went fine and they promised that they’ll never return to this blog, which returned me a peace of mind that I can once again, write with freedom and without worrying that the people that I do not trust and know in person will be reading this. For the question on whether if they’re lying to me, or if they check this blog out occasionally, that I will not know. But judging from their expression, I can see that they have understand my thoughts and perhaps they’ll not break their promise.

After explaining to them, I felt soo free again. I regained back my thoughts and my sanity. Then I began thinking back of many nice things and what nice things will be happening on this coming Friday.

Summary of A WHOLE Week!! (PART 1)

Well, yeah, I’ve been lazy lately, so just took a rest from blogging. But I’m back now!! And the problem with me and those group of people who told me that they knew about my blog and those stuffs, I’ve solved that problem with peace and it should all be fine now. They promised me that they wouldn’t visit here anymore. And that’s a great relief for me because I can resume writing my thoughts without much limitations and boundaries.

And I shall begin this post with last Saturday!! However, because it has quite past a week, the little details I’ve seemed to forget them. But nevertheless, I still managed to remember those nice memories that I’ve gained throughout the entire week.

Soo, the whole week’s emotion overall feeling was: SMILEY FACE J (yes, I had a good week)

Saturday, 22 June 2007

This was the day that I’m supposed to meet up with sister Pey Tsyr in Cheer 2007.

Well, talking about excitement and anticipation, frankly, I was more excited over Fridays compared to this day, despite that I’ll be meeting Pey for the first time after knowing each other for about 4 years. I don’t know why I just feel like that, but Fridays to me are big days, where I could meet up with Voon Pang and probably even Leng’s sister.

My sister (real sister) took the bus to the stadium (Stadium Bukit Jalil) but I had to go on train because the bus is full. Well, in my entire life living in Malaysia, I’ve only taken the train once, so I am very blur about the routes and the procedure done in this country. The times where I take the train the most is in Hong Kong where I get to take it almost everywhere I go because it’s one of their main transporting system.

Anyways, I didn’t have breakfast so Dad took me for Mcdonalds, but it was closed. I was puzzled because they have that big notice stuck onto their windows saying “Opened 24 hours” but it was closed. That didn’t stop me from having a breakfast. Instead, Dad bought some foodstuffs from the market and I ate them on the way to Taman Bahagia train station.

Thoroughly briefed by friends and Dad on how to get to my destination, I was determined to take this whole thing by myself. Actually, to get there, I had to get on whichever station and it must reach at the station Masjid Jamek and get down, cross the road and get up another train operated by another company and take the train to Bukit Jalil. The tough part was of course, this would be my second time taking it and the first time taking the train in this country was in ancient times, so I had to open my eyes and follow the instructions told by my friends.

As I got on the train from Taman Bahagia, I messaged sister Pey and she said she was on the bus, on the way there already. It took some time before reaching Masjid Jamek train station. I got down and walked through the exit and crossed the road. After crossing the road, I approached the ticketing counter and asked for directions (and wanted to buy a ticket) to Bukit Jalil. The operator told me it was the other side!! So I had to cross the road that I just crossed again due to this inefficiency of our transportation system adding insult to the lacking of signboards and directions in that area.

Finally, I got bought a ticket and got back on a train, but of another train company that took me to Bukit Jalil. I was nervous, because this time is going to be my fist time meeting up with Pey!! I was wondering what we should chat, would we be chatting the whole day long, where we should sit, should we sit together and everything else…

Alas, I arrived at the stadium. I was blur of my directions, so I merely followed the crowd. After what seemed like a 10-minute walk to the right stadium, I entered the closed-up air-conditioned stadium with a nervous sensation. But comparing this feeling with the first time I talked to Leng’s sister, this is definitely nothing. I told myself that I shouldn’t be getting nervous or whatsoever because I’m just meeting with my sister, so what’s all the hype about??

As soon I entered the doors from the backstage of the stadium, I was surprised to see that the stadium was not as large as I had expected and there were far less people than I expected to have come. I contacted my sister (real sister) and asked where our team was because I wanted to place my bag there. And if you’re wondering why I couldn’t spot my school team, it was because I was all nervous and that feeling just keeps you off concentration.

After putting down my bag, I went to the toilet and it was surprisingly dirty. I expected it to be of some standard because the Commonwealth Games was once held here. But anyways, I messaged Pey and asked her where she was and she said was somewhere around there and I had to spot her team named “Falcons” which was red in colour.

After some delay here and there that lasted for about 20 minutes or so, she finally messaged me and asked me to go there and sit with her. At that moment, I had already known where her team was and built up courage and determination; I went down to meet her. I spotted her but because I wanted to make sure that it was her, I called her to see if that is really her. She answered my call and from my view, I could see her talking. After I was convinced that the girl sitting down there with two of her best friends was Pey, I waved to her and she waved back at me.

Pey looked really cute. She was holding a cardboard of a letter supporting her team “Falcons”.

The row that she was sitting was quite occupied, only some seats at the end of the row which was far away from her were vacant. So I sat on the row behind her and picked the closest seat to her. We greeted each other shyly with ‘Hi’ and I tried hard to keep being myself. She then asked “You know her right, Sook Yee??” gesturing at her friend sitting beside her. Although I knew her good friend and recognized her by name and look, I awkwardly replied slowly “Er… yeeeeahhh,” because Sook Yee was looking at me, smiling. Judging from her looks, I can see that she doesn’t quite recognize me. But anyways, that didn’t matter.

I was just nervous and thoughts and questions were running in my mind why I’m being so quiet when I’m so close to Pey. I thought that we said that we’re going to be chatting non-stop and why are we being so silent here?? But anyways, we were sitting in two different rows and if a conversation were to take place, she had to turn her head to talk to me, which was very inconvenient. But I know because it was the first time seeing each other, naturally this feeling of shyness and awkwardness will emerge.

We had only a few short conversations, maybe 3 to 4 of them before the cheerleaders come on the mat to do their performance. I remember she even asked me after some time I was sitting down there silently “Are you boring??” but I took some time to contemplate what she was trying to ask and finally understood what she was asking and I replied “Nope.” while shaking my head.

I felt guilty that we both anticipated so much to see each other and after all those excitement and messages sent to each other expressing our excitement, time and confirmation that we’re going, and when we finally got to see each other, we didn’t burst out in conversation as I had expected and hoped for. Instead of chatting with each other, I just sat there, behind her, and looking around and trying to make myself comfortable with all the strangers beside me and everywhere. I was thinking hard on how we should chat lively but got a mind-block instead.

The Cheer performance started after about 30 minutes and the first team (if my memory serves me right) was from Sri KDU. They did very well, in front of the judges and the eyes of thousands of people. I don’t think I could stand even on that mat, where everyone would be looking at me. The feeling of nervousness just sets in even imagining yourself on that mat.

Well, after watching a few team performed, I realised that their moves were all very generic. They only differ slightly in coordination, stunts and booming background music. Judging by their jumping stunts, in a Taekwondo-experienced person’s point of view, I started imagining if only the Taekwondo demonstration team, Korean Tigers were on the mat.

Well, if you didn’t know, Korean Tigers is known as the best demonstration team on earth and goes around the world performing really stunning demonstrations. Then my concentration went back into the cheerleading and see them throwing themselves into the air and doing some kind of stunts – it seems that a Taekwondo beginner can also do that. Well, no insult but then, it looked very simple indeed. I’m not referring particularly to any school, but it’s just from a point of view from someone who’s been in Taekwondo for 5 years.

If you don’t believe me, allow me to show you what Taekwondo is like. These are the Korean Tigers.

If you thought that those kicks looks easy, why not you try it out for yourself.

But I must give credit to those ‘bases’ that are able to support those people that are lifted up into the air. That’s one thing I don’t see in Taekwondo.

But why am I suddenly talking about Taekwondo here?? Maybe my imaginations and thoughts at that moment sitting down there was a little far-fetched. I was just a little bored watching teams after teams performing their stunts on the mat.

Not too long after that, I got a message on my phone. Surprisingly when I opened the message, it was Pey. Pey was currently sitting a row in front of me and three seats away. She said this “R u bored?” and I replied that if she hadn’t called me over here to sit with her, I would be even more bored sitting alone there with my schoolmates who aren’t my friends. I felt silly having to text massage each other despite being so near but we messaged each other because she was sitting so many seats away from me now, and it would seem awkward for her to turn her head and talk to me from afar. The background music played was also booming loud so I guess if we wanted to talk, we practically have to shout to hear each other. Maybe we were shy too (or maybe I was the only person feeling shy), so text messaging each other was a better way of conversing. So maybe that wasn’t silly after all.

About 11.30am, or somewhere around that time, I needed a time-out and a break from the loud music that was constantly played as background music. I was also feeling bored at that moment, so I opened my bag, took the MP3 out and walked out of the stadium. I sat down on the steps, away from the crowd in a quiet place and listened to some soothing songs. It was really relaxing and I thought it was much better than sitting down there and watching the monotonous performance by the cheerleaders. You really get bored watching the same thing being performed again and again. But it was alright, I was there for Pey anyways, but didn’t expect things to turn out this way. Anyways, I felt contented because we finally got to meet each other.

I went back into the stadium after about 20-30 minutes of listening to some Korean music and resumed watching the performances done by the cheerleaders. Looking at my watch now, it’s 2.07pm and I remembered yesterday (Friday) at this very moment, I was sitting under the tree and Voon Pang was just in front of me. We chatted a little accompanied by some of her friends there.

About 15 minutes later, it was break time for exactly an hour for us to have our lunch. I was fiddling with my phone and was writing some notes down on what to write on my blog when I get home when suddenly Pey hopped in front of me and asked if I wanted to have lunch. I said that it would be too crowded now, and because I got nervous again talking to her in person, I gapped and paused a lot. I then said that perhaps I’ll go out later when the crowd has settled down. Pey then said “Erm.. okay lah… then… I go first lah,” saying that with a smile.

I sat there on that chair for about 3 minutes and couldn’t stand it anymore. I’m soo bored sitting there all alone and regretted not going with Pey for lunch. I scolded myself for being soo silly of my actions and my shyness and should have been with her all the while because it was soo hard for us to meet up and here we are together and why am I not with her now. I text messaged her and asked her where she was and then stood up, and headed to the backstage in search for her.

Pey didn’t reply me, perhaps it was too noisy that she couldn’t hear her phone alert her. But miraculously, we spotted each other just minutes later. I was happy, and nervous, but said I’ll be following her since I’m bored sitting there all alone. Both of Pey’s good friend and Pey found a seating place and sat. Scanning a vacant seat, I spotted one beside Lai Quen and sat there. Lai Quen must have found it inappropriate for us to be seating together so she stood up and swapped places with Pey, so I am sitting with Pey now. After sitting down there for a while, I asked her if she was eating, but she said she isn’t, so I followed suit. I wasn’t too hungry anyways so I didn’t think it was going to be alright if they were just sitting down there staring at me eat.

Pey also asked me how I was supposed to be going back and when I said I was to go back by train where my Dad would be picking me up at a particular spot, she had a surprised expression. I offered to get her a drink or something if she was thirsty (because I myself was a little thirsty) but she said she was okay. The thought of her as my sister came back into my mind and why should I be shy in front of my sister and because of that thought, I felt much better and begun talking to her in a more relaxed manner. But there’s one thing I regretted very much that is I kept fiddling with my phone when I was with her. Usually I don’t really like fiddling with my phone but just because I was nervous and couldn’t sit really still, so I kept touching my phone to make me look busy. Instead of fiddling with my phone, I should be spending my time talking to her of all sorts of things. But I couldn’t just talk to her openly at that time because her two friends were there and I was afraid if I accidentally said some secrets that Pey didn’t want them to know, so I refrained myself from speaking too much.

Suddenly Lai Quen spotted someone she dislike and after a moment, she stood up and walked quickly, so Pey and I followed. Just in front of the entrance into the stadium where Pey and I followed Lai Quen, Lai Quen entered the stadium but Pey stopped following her when I asked why is Lai Quen walking soo fast. Pey said that she had met someone she dislikes and said she’s always like this. We stood there for a moment and the noise from the crowd was very loud that we can barely speak in our normal tone to make our conversation audible. Pey then said “Lets go out,” and we walked out into the outdoor of the stadium.

I didn’t know where we were heading but we were walking quite slowly. Now it’s only us together and I felt it was better this way because I can speak openly now. Pey was tall, very tall and her height reminded me so much of Leng. Then at that moment, I had wished that it was Leng at my side. Pey suddenly asked me “So how’s Leng… Leng… Is that how the way you call her name??” she said, laughing and trying to pronounce her name. I looked down on the floor and continued walking while telling her the correct pronunciation. I was missing Leng badly. Then I said to Pey “You’re as tall as her.”

“Really?” she laughed. I loved the way Pey laughed, it sounded very cute of her. “But I’m still not as tall as you.” She said to me.

“Nolar, don’t say that lar,” I replied, laughing.

Pey laughed. We walked to a place where Pey sat down and I sat down beside her. I loved sitting down here like this. It makes my mind calm, with the occasional breeze of air blowing me. Now I felt more at ease and wasn’t that nervous anymore.

There are a few conversations that I can still recall, I’ll write it down here, but not in chronological order…

“But lucky that guy didn’t disturb me anymore already lar,” Pey said.

“Oh, you mean the guy who likes you??” I asked Pey.

“Yeah.”

“Watching them cheerleading the whole day, doesn’t make you bored??” I asked her.

“Not really. Last time I use to join cheerleading, so I just want to see some of their stunts.” She replied.

“Oh yeah, you told me about that.”

“So how’s your (her) sister??” She asked me. Apparently, I misheard her say ‘her’ so I thought she referred to Leng’s sister.

“Oh, she plays Maple (Story) and rarely goes online.” I said.

A puzzled expression was seen on her face.

“Har?? Your sister plays Maple (Story)??” she asked.

“Ohh cheh, my sister you mean,” I laughed at my mistake of mishearing her. “My sister, erm, she’s very different from me. We both have very different personalities. She’s popular and I’m not…” I added.

I sat there relaxingly, and smiling while enjoying the breeze of air.

“I really enjoy sitting down here all day.” I said.

“Me too. So nice.” She replied. “So we’re same lar.” She added, meaning that we both enjoy the same things together.

“So you don’t like anybody now lar??” I asked Pey.

“Nope.” She replied. She thought for a while, suddenly laughed while saying “I like that guy in Hanakimi.” When she said that she looked really cute and blushed when she was saying that. Hanakimi is a Taiwanese show which is a comedy-love drama that Pey loves it a lot.

I laughed with Pey, and hoped that we had more time to talk to each other.

Suddenly, the ice-cream man came and he was selling ice-cream. Pey stood up and said “Ada satu ringgit kon tak??” She was really cute in pronouncing her words that’s why I like it and in English, she actually meant “Do you have one ringgit cone ice-cream??”

The ice-cream replied “Ada.” and it means “Yes, we have.” Pey took out some money from her pocket, turned and ask me “You want one??” and I was silly enough to say “No, I don’t take junk food.” I felt silly and regretted saying now because ice-cream isn’t junk food, its dessert and moreover, I should be enjoying eating ice-cream with Pey.

Pey ate really fast and I asked her “You’re hungry right??”

“Nope (I’m not hungry). I usually eat very fast.” She said.

I talked a little and she replied with her mouth full. I laughed, because she looked soo cute trying to reply me with her mouth full, trying to stuff the whole cone into her mouth made me laugh. She looked famished and I really wanted to buy her lunch or something but I didn’t ask if she was hungry again, fearing that she might think I’m nagging her. I was just being concerned actually.

A drop of rain from the sky fell onto her hands.

“Oh, it’s raining.” She said. She stood up and I followed her.

“So where shall we go now?? I asked.

“To somewhere that there has got shade.”

“Hm, what about there??” I gestured to the flight of stairs where I sat listening to music just now.

“Oh, alright.” She looked at her cell phone and exclaimed “Oh no, it’s 3 (pm) already!! I have to go back to watch my school (cheerleaders) perform!!”

“Oh, soo fast…okay then.” I felt disappointed that the time should have stretched longer so we could chat there longer.

That was all about that talk with me and her. At the end of the whole Cheer that day, Sook Yee said something to Pey.

“Oh, now I remember him!!” Sook Yee said in Cantonese to Pey. She meant to say that she now recognized who I was.

“Now only you remember him??” Pey replied in Cantonese in surprise.

Sook Yee turned to me and said in English this time “I know who are you!!” she said, smiling. I smiled at Sook Yee but didn’t say anything. I was surprised that Sook Yee only remembered me now.

Sook Yee now turned to Pey and asked in Cantonese “He’s Adrian right??” and Pey nodded.

The only thing I wondered is why that Sook Yee addressed me as Adrian. But then I remembered that there was once, 3 years ago when I made up an English name for myself which was Adrian. So we must have talked to each other and I must have introduced myself as Adrian or something. But I have long abandoned that name because I realised when people call me that, I still didn’t get use to it so I didn’t really respond to that name yet. But most of all the reason why I abandoned that name was because I realised my name Kean Lee was more ‘genuine’ and more ‘originally me’.

We bid each other goodbye and I turned to leave. On my way back to Taman Bahagia train station, I got a little lost on my way back in the same place where I got lost in Masjid Jamek train station. Getting back home surely is a different route going there. But on my way back, I kept thinking of Pey and what happened just now.

Surely it was a good experience to meet up with Pey after knowing each other online for such a long time. I wonder when’s the next time we’ll be going out together.

But whatever it was, the whole anticipation and excitement cannot be compared to the excitement and anxiousness of me waiting to see Voon Pang (a friend I think highly of) or Leng’s sister. Lately, I haven’t have much feelings for Leng, perhaps it was because I’m beginning to realise she’s not the person I love. Perhaps the person I really love is her sister.

Note: I will be doing the other part of the summary of my whole week (no, I don’t know how many parts will there be) later due to limited time factor and this post is getting really long. Check back soon!!