The Outing

So this is the day that I’ve anticipated so much for…

My eyes are drooping any moment, and a slight headache is adding to the insult, but I still think I should write this now, just in case I forgot the details of today’s events.

Its 7.12pm now, just came back 5 minutes ago from 1U (Bandar Utama).

“Kean Lee, you’ve done well. You’ve done the best of what you could make of in a day” I told myself consolingly, with the feeling that I have not done enough while being with her just now…

I reached Mcdonalds at 10.07am and thought of sitting down there, while waiting for the whole thing to begin at 11am, where I would be walking up to GSC (a cinema) in the new wing. After waiting for the time to touch 10.25, I couldn’t wait anymore, and started walking slowly to GSC…

Just about a few metres away from the escalator to GSC (which is on the floor above me), there I spotted a few of my friends, walking the opposite direction of me, and quickly, I greeted them. My heart made a leap – there I saw Leng, accompanied by Abigail. Aww, the sight of Leng melted my heart like hot chocolate that very fraction of second my mind registered her. She had let her hair down, and that sight made me feel even … soo in love. Her shimmering eyes and her smile was really charming and I couldn’t quite stand still the moment I saw her.

When walking with that group of friends including Leng and me, the group consists 5 people, I didn’t quite chat a lot, or more like to say, I almost kept quiet the whole time walking with them to the old wing, where they’re waiting for a friend to arrive. You get the idea, I’m in a group of friends that I’m too close with except with Leng, but it’s a little awkward to chat in public, and I have feelings for her, so it makes situation worst.

After her friend arrived, we walked all the way back to GSC for some games at the gaming corner (where they have snooker, fuseball, and also bowling) and I played snooker. I tried inviting her but she refused, saying she doesn’t know how to play it and would knock the ball somewhere out of the table. She played fuseball instead but I really wanted to play fuseball with her badly but the table she was playing was occupied with some other friends, so I didn’t play with her (and I regretted it so badly).

I felt really nervous, almost an hour has passed since the time I saw her and I have not yet made a single move, I felt frustrated at myself, nervous at the same time and messaged PeyPey unnie (unnie in Korean means sister) and asked her for help on what I should do. Unnie replied that she was crying in the forest (apparently, she went for some nature camp in FRIM) and apologised for not being able to help and instead advised me to by myself. Mm, yeah, good thinking, I should really be myself, because the person who would love me is myself, and not some made-up self.

Things went fine, until Leng abruptly told me something surprising, she told me that my other friends were on the line (Leng’s cell phone) and wanted to talk to me about something. Unfortunately, those other friends (two of them only, actually) were both girls, and I wondered what thoughts could have formed on Leng’s mind. I took the Leng’s phone, still in worry (that Leng would think that I like them, which is not true) and Leng told me to press the ‘Talk’ button. So I did and was surprised when my friend asked me to go over to Yipee Club which is a small restaurant and I asked whether if I should call the other friends who are with me to come over as well, but they said they’re calling only me. I was surprised again that they’re only inviting me over, and at the same time was in dilemma, in doubts that what Leng would have thought of the whole scene. After putting down the line, Leng asked me what happened, I told her it was about them asking me to go over there. She then asked where’s Yipee Club and I told her it was beside Mcdonalds. I then asked her when we’re going to have our lunch and she said after the pool game (between my friends, who are currently pooling) finishes. In a hurry and tense feelings, I asked her for her cell phone number and after registering it into my cell phone, she asked mine in return. This is good in a way that I didn’t have to pick up the question to ask her for the number of all of a sudden, but this incident naturally allowed me to do so. I was of course, glad that she asked me for my number in return.

Since Yippee Club is a restaurant, surely I’m going there to be dining, so something, but I have agreed to have lunch with my current group of friends, or more like a self-promise and great desire to have lunch with Leng, so I told Leng, before I left for Yipee Club: “I’ll call you when I’m done. I’ll be fast!!” After those words, I dashed, literally ran from that spot to Yipee Club. I took a long detour because I’m not too familiar with the new-wing and it took about 10 minutes before I reached there, running (oh alright, laugh all you want, I have some bad sense of direction).

Upon reaching there, I then got to know they have called something for me. I felt awkward, and then asked them casually why they invited me, why only two of them are here, where are the other friends of their group, why called something for me. They said it was just random. It was strange anyhow, but I nibbled only a little of that small plate of chicken meat they ordered and thought since they were so sincere in calling me (for they have called my old number, left a voice mail, called Leng to ask for me) so the bill was on me. I didn’t really mind, since they were quite nice friends anyways.

One of the friend called to ask about the whereabouts of the group, where are they having lunch, so we could join them. We took a long detour to find them and when we found them, those two girls didn’t stay but left somewhere else, whereas I stayed because Leng was in this restaurant. When I saw Leng and my classmates, I looked at Leng and said “Annyeong!!” (although this is the second time we greeted each other today)(Annyeong in Korean means “Hello” in a casual way) and she replied with “Hi”, and paused for a second, and said “Annyeong” to me. That was cute of her, she followed my greeting!!

Leng and her friends were feasting on some yellow rice with some seafood on it. It looked yummy but I was too full and currently can’t take in any food so I didn’t order any but pulled a chair to sit beside Leng (which I very much wanted to sit beside her during lunch) and I was lucky of that, because there was some space between Leng and my other friend that I could pull a chair over.

I asked her how was it and we chatted a little. I was happy to see her eat and enjoy that meal, and then abruptly say I wanted to take a picture with her. My friend (apparently fascinated with my lousy phone volunteered to take the picture for us) and that friend asked me…

“Why you want to take picture with her?” She asked while holding my camera phone, preparing to take the shot.

“She (Leng) today very pretty ma.” I replied casually.

Oh, yeah, I wanted to say that she was pretty. After one shot was taken, my friend said “Wait, one more, this thing blocking me” and that friend took away that menu which was obstructing the view of the camera and took another shot. She handed back the camera to me and I showed the picture to Leng, who was sitting beside me. I then said “Wuah, you so pretty.” And she said “No lah.”

I was very happy, because I finally got to do two things: to take a picture with Leng and to say that she was pretty after taking the picture with her. After the meal, we went around some shops while waiting for time to pass when 2.40 pm is the time our show ‘Pirates of The Caribbean’ will start. We went into this particular shop, where Korean music’s are being played in the background. My mood shot up really high because of my Korean craze in me, so a song from the drama ‘Autumn In My Heart’ was played, I quickly alerted Leng. After a few moments, she said it was a nice song.

After that, it was about 2.15 and we went up to GSC to prepare ourselves. We sat down on the empty seats of a restaurant and I randomly played a Korean song ‘Sarang In Gayo’ from the drama ‘Goong’ because I knew Leng loved it. I gave her the cell phone so that she could listen and I’m pretty sure she enjoyed it much.

Finally, it was about time for the movie. Feeling thirsty, I went to the counter to get a bottled water and thought of Leng. At that moment, a female friend, so how was beside me. I asked her if Leng could have wanted anything. Ah, but you see, this male classmate of mine standing in front (I don’t really like him, neither does anyone, I suppose) suddenly said: ‘I’ll ask her.’ There he takes out his cell phone and started calling Leng whether she wanted anything. When he finished asking, he told us that Leng didn’t want anything. But after he bought his stuff and walked off, I said to that friend of mine standing beside me: “Nevermind, I’ll just get some popcorn for her. Oh yeah, and some water.” So I got a regular-sized caramel popcorn and two bottles of mineral water (the popcorn and one bottle of water is for her while the other mineral water is for me. I don’t quite fancy eating when I’m watching a thrilling movie). After that, I walked over to her, despite knowing that she doesn’t want anything, and gave her those stuff…

I took out a bottle of water and handed her the plastic bag with that packet of popcorn and a bottle of water. Apparently, I’m holding all those things in one hand. When I said I bought those things for her…

“I bought these for you” I thrusted my hand nearer to her, showing the bottle of water for myself and that red plastic bag dangling below.

“Har, no need lar. I don’t eat in cinema.” She said.

“Oh, never mind lar. I bought already, you expect me to go back there and ask for a refund??” I said to her, persuading her to take it.

She went for the bottle, attempting to take it…

“Nono, not this, the plastic bag…” I said.

“Wah, so much.” She replied with a surprise.

She took it anyways. But after a few minutes, I know those stuff are a little heavy and since we still have got some moments before the halls are cleared for us to go in, I had the strong desire to help her hold those stuff first. Finally, I didn’t hold the stuff for her, because I knew that action would be too much. Having already bought something for her without asking her if she wants it might have already strike her curiosity towards my feelings towards her.

The movie was not of what I have expected. Perhaps I was sleepy as well, and I didn’t get to sit with Leng, but instead a row in front of her, but just two seats away from her, in front. The cinema was really cold, I was literally holding tight to my coat and knew Leng must have been freezing cold too. I wanted to give her my coat, but thought that’s going to be hard because I’m a row in front of her and if I pass her my coat, she would firstly refuse it, and secondly, that action would draw much attention from my friends. But if I’m just a seat or two in the same row as her, or maybe beside her, I would have took out my coat and covered her.

After the movie, the time was about 6.00 and we waited for our parents to fetch us, while being accompanied by some other friends. Because of the company of other friends, I didn’t really have a chat with her. But deep down, I really wanted to talk to her as much as possible, but topics just don’t seem to pop up.

It’s quite nice today actually, being able to get her cell phone number, take a picture with her and bought something nice for her without asking her, a surprise in other words. Well, this post is really long, but I just want it to remain as my memory…

Till then, my love...

New Phone!! Samsung SGH-E690

I couldn’t wait any longer for this, because I’ve got to get used to the functions of my new phone and prepare it for the outing with Leng next week. So, I made some research on the internet and it was a real headache. Deciding that it’s going to be such a hassle looking at different models of different phones, I thought that since every phone have basic functions, the difference in models and specifications would only mean what additional or special features they have in different models of the phone.

To cut the long story short, I’ve got myself this black coloured phone for Rm 620. Got Hotlink prepaid at Rm8.80 with ONLY Rm4.00 airtime. Uhh, Rm 4 soo little!! But my friend says they’ll give some airtime free very soon, perhaps in a couple of days (I doubt that).

Mine's not white, it's BLACK. I couldn't find a black model for this picture @_@

Pretty isn't it?? It's a clamshell phone!!

Now I'm going to do some little things this little device can do.

Check it out here!!

P/s: will post more pictures of this later, rushing off to tuition now =X

Picture credits: www.samsung.com

Teacher’s Day

Today’s a Friday. I didn’t really have a good sleep last night because my mind kept visualising the thought me handing her that DVD and what words I could say to her. My dream kept repeating the same thing over and over again…

(Afternoon and morning students all attend school in the morning today because we’re celebrating Teacher’s day today.)

I went to school with high hopes that everything would turn out beautifully. Talked and met with friends and finally saw her – she’s as beautiful as ever. After the assembly ended, my friend and I were walking around, seeing friends and inviting them for an outing. Oh, this outing is not the same group of outing with Leng on next Tuesday. In essence, I’m having two outings.

While walking through that passageway (while wondering where’s Leng’s sister) and arriving at the end of it, I saw Leng’s sister!! But I was feeling really shy and tried to not look at her. However, I could still see a part of her through my corner of my eye and I noticed her looking at me, so I looked up and she greeted me first. She said “Hi,” while waving a gesture of greeting. And I said “Hi,” and waved a gesture of greeting back to her. I’m really surprised that she would look at me just to say greet me. Shouldn’t I be the one who’s more enthusiastic to greet her?? But instead she was waiting for me to look at her and greet her!! That’s beautiful, isn’t it??

I went searching for Leng’s sister because I was missing her and found her in the pavilion shade, watching the telematch the teachers were enjoying. I looked at her from afar and said “Sarang haeyo” softly and smiled. Then, I walked away because she moved away from that spot. She is now with her sister. I went behind Leng and talked a little and they sat down on the floor because they wanted to avoid the sunlight shining upon their heads. I did not sit down beside them, but continued standing, trying to block as much sunlight as possible from shining onto Leng and her sister.

Well, after some moments, I was hungry so I went to get something from the canteen. There I saw them, Leng, her sister, Abigail and another two female friends (both my classmates too). We greeted each other again with a simple “Hi” when we walked pass each other. I replied with a “Hi” in a very low and soft tone.

Nothing much happened after that. However, about the DVD… this is the most anticipated moment. My watch reads 12.15pm and there’s only 15 minutes before school ends. I stood up and started finding them and after what seemed about 8 minutes, I found them. As time passes by, my heart beats faster, in fear I couldn’t see her and that would mean I couldn’t pass her that DVD. I didn’t want to pass her that DVD in the early morning but chose to do it at the end because it would be more meaningful.

I touched my cheeks with my hands and told myself to brace. She was with the same group of friends and if I were just to pass her that DVD, her friends (also my friends) would think that I have feelings for her. I walked towards her with heartbeat as loud as thunder and was expecting for the unexpected. I squatted behind Leng and whispered in her ear: “Leng, I’ve got something for you.” She looked at me and I added “Bring your bag here.” She opened her bag and I took out the DVD. She was very surprised and said: “Wah, you crazy ar?” I slipped the DVD into her bag and she closed it quickly. I don’t really remember what happened next because my mind was very clogged up thinking what have just happened and was very nervous at the same time. After a while, I said to Leng: “It’s all my Korean albums. There’s many albums and you can listen to all of them, but the piano one…” Her expression glowed so brightly. She loved piano as much as I did. “…go under Korean artiste – Yiruma… yeah… there’s a lot of albums… yeah…” I tend to get nervous whenever I speak to her so there’s lot of pause and “yeah” being said. She smiled and I knew that she would love it.

Don’t want to regret not speaking to Leng’s sister today, I called her name and her said “Yeah?” and I said “Are you following us next week??” She looked blur and said “Where?” and I said…

“You don’t know about it? Your sister didn’t tell you??” I asked Leng’s sister and then turn to Leng and ask her “She doesn’t know about it??”

Leng didn’t reply and then Leng’s sister said “She didn’t invite me” and my heart sank – I couldn’t see her next week.

“Leng, why didn’t you invite her??” I asked Leng but she was busy chatting with her friend so she didn’t reply. I guess that was it, the bell went off a few minutes ago. I know that I have to get to the school entrance as quick as possible because my transporter doesn’t wait for students of Fridays. But I risked missing my van, just to be a little longer with Leng and her sister. It’s worthwhile for those little moments more to be with them even if I have to walk home if I missed my transporter. I said greeted them goodbye and saw them going into the car, then only I started running towards the main entrance and wasn’t late for my transport.

Last Day of My Mid-term Examination

I had Chemistry, Physics and Mod-maths (modern maths) all of them Paper 1 (objective) today. Mm, I think Chemistry was alright, but Physics and Mod-maths were both easy papers, that’s surprising.

Well, yeah, it’s the last day of my mid-term exam and everything went… specially and beautifully well…

After my Physics paper, it was still early, about 30 minutes before recess. I didn’t revise for the final paper after recess because I thought I need to rest my mind after those two hectic science papers. While everyone left their seats and flocking into their own group to chat and discuss about the exam, I remain seated. Actually, during these few days of exams, I didn’t really go and have a chat with my other classmates because I thought there’s a problem of communication in between me and them, so I always just remain seated or would usually grab my book from my bag and start mugging till the next paper starts.

Sitting down, I’ve observed and smiled to myself that Leng is with her friends, chatting happily. She seemed so carefree, hardly revising her studies before the paper starts. However, she’s smart and that would mean that she’s done enough preparation at home. And when I’m sitting down on that chair everyday alone, it’s unlikely she would come over to me and ask me how I performed and start having a conversation.

But today, things were different. She paced a few steps, looking as if she wants to come to my table and talk… but she walked away. After a little moment, she finally walked towards me. I braved myself to look up and when our eyes met, we smiled and greeted each other. Then we began chatting, firstly about the exams and then progressed to something that I’ve really anticipated. I was smiling. She finally popped the question to my friend (the organiser of the whole event) about inviting me to go for an outing with them. I was having a sip of water at that moment and overheard her conversation with that classmate about something “invite him…” My instinct told me that it was definitely about her asking whether I could come along with the group of friends. I pretended to not know a thing and looked blur (I cannot look as if I know, because she would know that I’ve been expecting it. And you know, when you expect something that’s a favour from someone and that would mean that you’re taking things fro granted) and then asked that guy (the organiser) what is it about. He was reluctant to tell me but Leng told me about it.

My heart leaped. The very thing that she promised me saying that she would ask me out if they were to go in a group happened today. It was beautiful – someone you really love asking you out. I hestitated and paused for a moment, facial expression is in deep thought and then said: “Hmm, I’ll try…” I didn’t agree with her immediately because of two reasons. Firstly is because if I show my delightedness, she would think that I’m expecting this. Moreover, I didn’t want that guy to think that Leng and I had a conversation about inviting me whenever there’s an outing. Secondly is because I had a planned meeting with my group of friends on this day.

Of course, deep down my heart considered nothing more, I wanted so badly to go out with her. Anyways, I said I’ll try to make it and it’s possible that I can follow them. Our conversation was periodic (or you could think of it as some kind of play and pause conversation). Abigail then said: “The boys usually outnumber the girls…” I replied is because we’re there to protect them and then she asked: “You go for Taekwondo??” and I said: “Yeah”. She asked me what belt I am and I paused for a second, thinking if I told her my rank she would not fathom me so I said I am one more belt to black. Leng was there, and I wonder what she would think of me if she knew my rank. But seriously, I didn’t really telling people what are my abilities.

Abigail and her crowd of friend ‘floated’ away but Leng suddenly came back and asked me…

“Who sits here?” Leng asked, gesturing to the chair a metre away from me. Apparently, the tables and chairs are arranged about a metre away horizontally.

“Oh, it’s Ong.” I replied, gesturing to that girl who left her seat.

“Will you be coming to school tomorrow??” I asked.

“Yeah. My sister’s coming too. They’re coming in the morning right? The afternoon students and the morning students?”

“Yeah.”

It was a very unexpected thing to happen, Leng pulled out the chair and sat down. Now she’s a metre away from me. Why wouldn’t she want to mix with Abigail and her friends but want to sit beside me?? Of course, that made me very elated.

I looked at her and said, “Leng…” She turned her head. I am positively sure that I was stunned for a few seconds. When she turned her head, she looked me in the eyes, her eyes were shimmering and her look was really beautiful. Well, she took out her spectacles that time and that added more beauty in her. Of course, I forced my mind back from floating into her world and told her “Make sure you come tomorrow.” She said “Yeah.”

The reason why I wanted her to come to school tomorrow is because I wanted to give her that burned DVD containing all my albums of Korean music’s. I’ve planned my speech when I pass her that DVD tomorrow…

“Although this is nothing much, but the joy and peace it could bring you is really immense.”

The words “joy and peace” refers to the emotions that those beautiful music’s could bring to her.

Ah, now I’m waiting till tonight where she said she would be online and I’ll see how things goes, and would tell you what happened. Good luck to me!! …and also those who’re in Love!!

P/s: If you want those nice music’s from me, email me then!! I’ll be more that glad to spread the Korean influence to you!!

A Co-incidence??

After watching so much movies and dramas, we sometimes tend to criticise about the cliché plot and storyline. However, in some phase of life we experience, these scenes that pass through our life seem to be one of those scenes that you’ve watched on your TV once before…

Just last 2 days, I had my English Paper 1 (Ah, don’t flame me if I get the paper wrong, it’s either Paper 1 or 2, I always get confused over that). It’s the paper where you’re given 2 questions, first is the directed writing where you’ve got to write an essay about what is given. The next question is a little… nicer, because you’re given 5 choices to answer; it’s also another essay. To cut the long story short, you’re required to do 2 essays, one long and one short.

After taking an hour (overshot by 15 minutes according to the time suggested) doing my directed writing, I proceeded with the next part which is the long essay. I looked over the five choices given and was taken aback with what I just saw.

Choice number one was to write an essay entitled “Memories”. I can’t recall the other choices because my head got stuck when I saw the first choice. Well, who could have thought of such co-incidences happening to you?? I’m a person so fond of memories and such a sentimental topic came out, and what’s more, on my mid-term examination paper!!

Of course I was delighted; I did not take much consideration about the other four choices and started on my essay on “Memories”. Actually, striking similar essay choices came out for my exams before this, and when every time I picked this topic, I didn’t really get the marks that I expected. So this time, instead of writing solely on my memories, I changed the genre a little: I wrote about what are sad memories, happy memories and neutral ones. It was obviously boring to write about that, but at the same time, I added some memories of mine around the paragraphs.

I supposed it didn’t turn out too well, but its okay, because I didn’t write up to my best standards (my best standards aren’t anything, anyway). I’ll post up my essay when I get it back.

After school, I asked Leng which question she answered. Aww, she answered the same question as I did. Actually, during that moment when I saw that word “Memories” printed clearly on my paper, my thoughts told me that whoever who wrote this must be someone sentimental. I then looked up at Leng and exhaled, biting my tongue and thought to myself: “I wonder if you would be writing this.” I knew it’s very unlikely that she would choose this topic, and I started writing my essay…

“Hey, me too!!” I replied with delight, when Leng told me she chose “Memories”.

How nice the feeling of two things happening at one time: a topic of my interest came out and Leng choosing the same topic as me. She then asked me about what I wrote and I replied badly: “Oh, uh… uhhh… I don’t remember…” She then proceeded asking me “Then how did you start?” and I said “Urm.. uh… I forgot…” and then quickly blurted out something like this “…but I ended something with ‘we should appreciate memories…’ something like that. I’ll show you when I get it back.” It was really a very bad answer. However, she wrote something about a girl dying from cancer. Strange story, I thought at first but then now I think perhaps it might sound more like the story of ‘Autumn In My Heart’.

Handphone HUNT – The Dilemma!!

I’m going to get a new handphone, but there’s this problem you see… I’m not well-versed with those features stuff, so of all the mobile phone shops I visited today posed me the same question: What kind (of phones) are you looking for??

My reply would be that really paiseh answers: I also dunno la, I want something liddis liddat la…

Bad reply eh? To them it’s some opportunity to con me because of this. Talk about computers I’m not that blur (at least I know what kind of Windows I use la) but talking about handphone specifications then I blur blur de.

But these are the basic things I’m looking for…

1. Must be a Samsung phone (I very pro-Korean remember?)
2. Camera (VGA or the dunno wat 2++ megapixel thing I also in dilemma on which to choose)
3. MUST BE A FLIP-PHONE/CLAMSHELL TYPE (this macam mia got style ma; keep flipping your phone when got call oni can show off ma hahahahaa)
4. SMS feature (this which phone dun have today?? I duwwan that sms feature to be slow like a snail, because my mom’s phone really types slowly)
5. Dunnit 3G oso can (3G is for internet de rite? Dunnit this la, I go online too often liao at home)

My budget: Less than Rm1000.

But if my specifications are a bit too high for a Samsung phone less than Rm1000 then I could consider Sony Ericsson. I heard that currently Sony Ericsson is the best brand for handphone in terms of pricing and functions. But if there’s a choice, I’ll go for Samsung.

Can anyone please recommend me?? I don’t like the idea of having to research so much about this thing that I’m not good at (the specifications). PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT OR EMAIL ME at… limkeanlee@hotmail.com TEN KIU A LOT!!

Loving someone Special

It’s hard to have that special feeling for someone, but that someone doesn’t have the same feeling for you – its unrequited love. In you’re in that situation, and if you really love that person so much, you’ll know that doesn’t really matter…

I’m a boy who’s not physically attractive nor have a positive point that is better-off others, but I do have something many in the world are lacking: I have the ability to love. And because of that, I feel really grateful to be blessed with this. Though it might seem everyone knows what love, but they are merely only speaking of it but not preaching them. We often hear about adultery and those heart-breaking stories that happen upon people, and that’s only because it boils down to the very core that they don’t know how to love. There are so many men who can figure costs, and so few who can measure values.

Throughout these years, I have learnt something that I find it’s so very beautiful. I realised that it doesn’t really matter if she doesn’t love me, but for what matters the most is that actually for me to love her. I realised that if you really love a person so deeply, what you really want is to see that person is always happy and never to encounter hardships. When you love someone, you actually give them your love and that’s what makes them happy. The sight of them being happy in turn makes you happy too, that’s because you love her.

I understand it’s hard to see someone you love at a distance, having fun with some other friend of the opposite gender, or loving each other. I admit that sight is really painful. Sometimes, I do see Leng chatting away happily with other male friends and that makes my heart ache a lot. And because of that, when I suspect that she’s talking happily with some other guy, I will force myself to turn my head away, telling myself that I actually love her, and to love her is to see her happy, and she’s happy now, so I should be happy for her, because I love her.

But of course, that doesn’t mean that I still do not strive for my love. I still move forward, trying hard to form strong bonds between us, hopefully one day, we would love each other till eternity.

There’s also one really important thing… if you really love a person, you wouldn’t have an eye for another person and there would also be no space for the feeling of lust between you and the person you really love. That’s because everything doesn’t matter anymore, the thing that matters most is that you love that person and want to see that person everyday, in that perfect condition that you’ve always imagined.

There are also a few quotes I picked up from a book…

None of us has the power to make someone else love us. But we all have the power to give away love, to love other people. And if we do so, we change the kind of person we are, and we change the kind of world we live in.

-Rabbi Harold Kushner-

Intense love does not measure, it just gives.

-Mother Teresa-

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, not touched… but are felt in the heart.

-Helen Keller-

One quote that’s really meaningful… if someone tells you that you shouldn’t love him or her, that’s not true because…

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

-Gautama Buddha-

…and finally…

The love we give away is the only love we keep.

-Elbert Hubbard-

Nothing to say…

These days, I’ve been talking to Leng everyday, usually at the end of the day. My head just jams and go blank of topics whenever I am with her. The only topic will emerge first would be about the exams. Obviously, posing the same question every time, after every exam is really annoying: “How did you think you fared in the paper?” And because of that, I refrained asking her how she performed in her exams and just try to pop up some question in hopes that the conversation would last.

After the last paper of the day, I would pack my stuff quickly and walk over towards her, where she would be at Abigail’s side, discussing how they performed in their papers. Then we would walk out the class. Sometimes, when Abigail’s still packing her things while Leng is at her side, Leng would wait for her to finish packing before going out together. I would be waiting for them, either by standing just beside Abigail, or standing in the class corridor waiting for them, while all the students are pouring out from their classes. I’ve been doing this for days, and I think it’s silly, because when I wait for them, I don’t have anything to talk, but just to watch and listen to them talk animatedly. I felt standing there really awkward. This is the first time I’ve ever done these things, to wait for someone I love. Before this, I’ve never even dared to get close to the person I have feelings for. Maybe it’s because I really love her, that I ignored my mind telling me to move on and not wait for Leng and Abigail to move.

When they walk together, I would then trot along behind. This action of mine seemed even sillier. It’s like me being a bodyguard of hers. I feel so lousy everyday when I’m waiting for them, without having anything to chat and tailing them from behind silently. Rarely, Leng would turn and start a conversation with me. I really miss that day where she did actually took all the initiative to talk to me.

We would walk to the School Hall where Abigail and she would wait for their transporter. I would be beside them, still cranking my head on what to chat with them, but to no avail, I almost never think of anything interesting to talk to Leng. And yeah, I would be still standing there, looking at them and listening to their conversation, and feeling all silly standing there like a house ornament. There would be this guy, a classmate of mine, and once mentioned by Leng that he’s a nice guy, being with us. Ohh, he’s not too nice in my perception. We never get along. I find him rude, actually. But it does strikes my curiosity about how close he, Leng and Abigail is, because his topics of conversation with them seem to flow naturally, while I just can’t seem to talk to them.

These incidences that happen upon you really makes you feel like someone useless and ought not to even exist. Ideas from myself telling me if I continue doing this, it might strike the curiosity in Leng that if I have feelings for her. That wouldn’t be too good, right?

But anyways, it’s just a possibility. I think that although we cannot communicate naturally effectively at this moment, I could still talk to her online and I hope that will build a better bond in between us.

Oh yes, there’s this conversation between me and her few days ago, about her sister…

“Leng, how many siblings do you have?” I asked Leng.
“Two.” She replied.
“Ohh. One’s inside there right?” I gestured towards the School Hall. Currently, Leng’s sister is in the School Hall, attending assembly.
“Yeah, ‘that’ one…’ She replied frowningly.
“Well is she that bad?” I asked with a surprising thought that she showed signs of dislike towards her sister that I have feelings for.
“She’s very annoying. She can talk on the phone for hours. Her friend calls and they would be chatting on the phone from eight to twelve.”
“Oh, so do you sleep in the same room as her?”
“Yeah.”
“Wow. But don’t your parents mind or scold? That’s like… four hours…”
“I don’t think they know.”
“But how can they not know? You’re living together...”
“I don’t know, but I think my parents don’t mind.” She said, now creasing her forehead, trying to explain in greater detail. “Let’s say la, you call me right…”
“Yeah...” I replied, still not getting what she’s trying to relate me calling her and her sister talking on the phone.
“Like that you have to pay for the telephone bill right??”
“Yeah, that’s true.”
“That might be because my parents don’t scold la, because the person calling her has to pay.”

I was slightly taken aback by such a thought of her. Although the caller has to pay for the telephone bill, but having the ease of thought that you actually don’t have to pay, so you can talk as long as you desire is really not such a wholesome thought. This revealed a flaw of her. But it was alright, I love her the way she is.

“Oh, I see. Then what if there’s an emergency call; they wouldn’t be able to call you” I said.
“Oh… that I don’t know la...” She replied, smiling.

I think that’s a nice chat, because I got to chat with her and at the same time knowing more of her sister in detail.

Mmm, how much I wish I was the one talking on the phone with Leng’s sister. I’ve never thought the sight and perception of me towards Leng’s sister as someone so quiet would have so much to talk to someone on the phone. But I have always have this thought that people who are quiet actually think a lot.

The beginning of us…

-This post was written on 17th May-

It’s been some time since I’ve made any effort on my blog – sorry, I’m just exhausted by the happenings these days…

Reflecting on what have been causing me the change in myself, I came out with these conclusions…

1. Loving Leng and her sister
2. Having the really eager feeling to see them whenever I don’t get to
3. Feeling all the responsibility to get a good future, so I can secure a future, for one of them…
4. Feeling the great need to become a brighter student than Leng, because in the future, I’m going to be the breadwinner of the family.
5. Feeling really tense and pressured from the stressing exams.

Those were the reasons that make me look quite worn-out. Yeah, it’s true that it seems those reasons are quite… ridiculous, but if you were to be in my shoes, the whole perception changes. It’s really stressing.

I’m exhausted, but I’m not that exhausted. Well, my exam lasts 3 weeks and it’s simultaneous and you know how much exams can drive people insane. Counting from today, I’m quite looking forward to the end of this term’s exam which is exactly a week from now.

Although I do face the problems on keeping my mind entirely on my books, because my mind just wanders away thinking about them but I constantly remind myself whenever I think of them and whenever I want to stop studying: Kean Lee, you’ve gotta strive your very best, because you want a good future with her. Whenever I remind myself of that, those thoughts of I-don’t-feel-like-studying-anymore will vanish temporarily and when the same thoughts return to bug me, there I would go reciting that I’m the one that’s going to work hard for our future.

During the exams, while I was sitting at the back, very often, I would look at her and remind myself: It’s going to be our future. I then will look back at the papers lying on the table before me and feeling determined to ride this rocky path towards our bright future.

I sometimes spew out my thoughts with my classmates, of course, only those that I find that I communicate with. However, I do not reveal details, I just try to hide whatever I can and ask questions abruptly like: “What do you think of a boy at my age now, planning for the future ahead?” Their answers will always be generic which would be: “Haiya, Kean Lee, why worry so much? You still so young la.”

Can this be considered to be a plan for my future ahead of me? I think it is. But the people around my age think it’s too young. Well, if they really think it’s too young to think and plan it well, then why are they going for seminars to pick on which course to go next year that will eventually determine the route they will take in the future?

I don’t really get influenced by their words, really. Perhaps they are actually hypocrites, planning hard at home on what they want to do in the future. But for me, I see it as my responsibility, a responsibility of a future father, as someone that who ought to not see my family suffer. But before all worries, work will come in first, and everything starts from scratch.

Beautiful Thursday – I had a good day today…

I had my Chemistry paper 1 and Bahasa Melayu paper 2 exam today.

Before the exams started, Leng, sitting right in front is kept darting looks towards the back. Probably looking at me? I would like that idea, but I doubt that she’s looking at me. I pretended I didn’t see her, so we didn’t greet each other. But of course, I was shy to not look her in the eye and greet her, and regretted not being bolder.

But after the last paper for the day (and my school session ended), I quickly went to the back, grabbed my school bag, went back to my seat and packed my stationeries in haste. The reason I did that is because I want to get to the front quickly so I could walk and talk to her about the exams.

I went in front and we began chatting about the exams while walking through the class corridor. For that moment, I wished time would have stopped forever, because that was the moment we were chatting and walking beside each other… But out conversation came to an abrupt halt because she stopped by a class and looking as if she’s waiting for someone (I suppose someone borrowed her notes and she’s waiting for that person to return it to her) and I stopped walking briefly, making quick decisions either to wait with her or just to continue walking. I thought that if I waited with her, that would strike her suspicion if I had feelings for her (because I’m a male and if I were to wait with her, that would make her think I have feelings for her). After a second or two, I decided to continue walking, only to look back at her and see her smiling and waving a gesture of goodbye. I felt silly, at that moment, I really felt like waiting with her, so we could both walk downstairs together…

When walking the path to the back gate of the school she normally takes, she suddenly catched-up with me. Indeed, I felt that sense of elatedness. When we were walking, accompanied by a male friend and Abigail, I just trotted behind. Abigail and Leng were both in front chatting animatedly for a moment. I tried to get closer to Leng, while walking following her from the back, in hopes of speaking to her again. She was talking about the exams with Abigail while I was just behind her and she suddenly turned behind, and instinctively I talked with her. Our conversations were short, but she seemed to make every effort to talk to me!!

She then asked some questions while turning behind and I believe she thought it was quite inconvenient to be chatting like this, and then she slowed down her walking by a few steps just to walk with me so we can talk to each other!! And that time, we were walking together again. I felt really happy talking to her but I didn’t really know what I was talking about – words just came out of my mouth without much thinking. But the whole scene, was wonderful, really.

Then as we were approaching the School Hall, the afternoon sessioners were flooding out from the School Hall, dispersing in every direction. I couldn’t stick close to Leng and my eyes were now darting all over for Leng’s sister. There she was, appearing out of no where behind Abigail’s back and fiddling with her ponytail-tied hair. Apparently, that scene gave me the impression that Leng’s sister and Abigail are quite close friends, if not Leng’s sister wouldn’t do that as a greeting to Abigail. I looked at Leng’s sister and when she greeted Abigail, and was turning to return to her class, I said “Hi!” and she turned back and said “Hi!” Although that was much of a conversation between me and Leng’s sister, but then, being able to see her and greeting her makes me feel like the happiest person on earth, for that moment. Her face had two droplets of sweat and how much I wished I could help her wipe it off for her, but I couldn’t do that, because she might think I’m being impolite. Oh yeah, there’s one more cuteness that I also fell for Leng’s sister is that, she carries a handkerchief in her pocket, wiping off her sweat whenever she sweats. The way she wipes her sweat, really makes me love her even more, because she’s looks soo adorable when she does it!!

I saw Leng walking towards her car but kept darting looks behind her as she walked towards her car. I waved high in the air, but I guess she didn’t see me because she didn’t wave in respond. It must have been the crowd of students around the area that blocked her view of me waving to her.

The thing that strikes my curiosity now is that why she did she kept darting looks at my position when she was sitting in her place in class, why did she seem to make every effort to pick up a topic when I was walking behind her and even stopped a few steps just to walk and talk with me and lastly, why did she kept darting looks back at my position when she was walking towards her car?? Could it mean that she has some feelings for me?? I won’t dare to admit it but, I tend to get a little sensitive when someone pays a little more attention towards me.

But anyways, I’m feeling really happy today because I got to walk together and talk to Leng and being able to see Leng and her sister on the same day. And also I’m also very happy that she seem to make every effort to talk to me whenever I was walking behind her and even stopped a few steps for us to walk and talk together.

Haha, sorry for repeating some phrases a significant amount of times, but I really can’t help it, because I’m feeling really happy that has happened to me!!

Korean Movie: Christmas In August

There is this really touching Korean movie that I saw on TV a few years back, probably in year 2004. I don't recall much of it already, but then I find it really touching and meaningful only at the last part of the movie...

If you're not those sentimental and can't really stand slow movies, then I suppose this is not for you.

Slow movies or dramas are alright, unless when they conclude the movie or drama in a very cliché boring manner.

This movie, however, is slow and tends to get a little boring in the middle scenes but the reason why I like this movie so much that it still occurs in my thoughts occasionally is because it's not like any other slow and boring movies that ends in a way that you expect them to end them.

...and I like slow movies which are meaningful and touching at the end, and this is one of them...

Christmas In August

It's beautiful, really, despite it's being produced in year 1998.
The whole things that made me rolled some tears is the quote at the ending (a quote that I myself often use):

"Thank you for allowing me to leave you in my heart, before I go."

And also the man's value in the drama that I would always admire:

"There are lots of movies regarding patients with uncurable disease such as 'Love Story'. However, what makes this film outstanding is the way Jungwon deals his death. He is a loser, but tried to do his best while he's alive, IN A SILENT WAY. He does not tell anybody around him about his death. He hides something in his mind but without rage, hate, vengeance. He just tried to do best while he was alive. This limited communication and obedience to fate is the typical mindset of Koreans and the point most Western people don't understand or at best, misunderstand..."

Adapted here

For those who's a die-hard fan for melodramas and the alike, this movie is definitely not something you should miss in your life, really.

For the beautiful sypnosis, refer here and here

Your Words Mean A Lot to Me

I’m feeling much better by the days. Thanks everyone who is feeling concerned for me.

I had my Pengetahuan Moral (Moral Education) exam today. Talking about being prepared for that paper, I guess preformed quite reasonably.

The paper started after recess, which started and ended early during exam days. The whole paper was a rush paper. As long as you stop writing for even a few seconds during the exam, you’ll most likely would have not enough time to complete it. Fortunately, I completed my paper, which was good.

But anyways, who could continue writing non-stop during the two and a half hours paper? I stopped writing occasionally, for the reason of feeling fatigue in my hand and to look at Leng, who was sitting right in the front and I’m right at the back. That doesn’t really matter, because as long I can see her, I’m already contented.

After the exams, naturally, students will begin flocking to their own group and start yakking away about how they performed. Me? As usual, I don’t really have anyone to talk to, so I just took my bag from the back of the class and packed up my stuff and got ready to go home.

Just as I finished packing my stuffs, I saw Leng was having some conversation with Abigail. I braved myself to walk over there and asked Leng about how well she thought she fared in the exam. We talked a little about how we did and went downstairs together, accompanied by a few other friends, including Abigail.

When walking together and was asking her a question, not paying attention to my surroundings, I accidentally knocked the handle of a motorcycle parked along my path. The collision sound was quite audible and all my friends looked at me and said “Careful” and “Are you alright?”

Of all of them who asked my how was my condition, I only paid attention to Leng at that moment when she said “Careful, careful.” She said it quite fast and if my memory serves me right, she was the first person to say it to me before the others even noticed. The collision that left me a bruise on my hand was nothing, really, but what really mattered is that she cared and told me to be careful. Those words really melted my heart. The whole thing was worthwhile and I’m grateful that I didn’t see the motorcycle and hit it that made her say those heart warming words to me.

so is this what we call Stress and Depression??

It’s 1.52 a.m. in the Tuesday morning.

“Good heavens, why are you still on at such a late hour?” you may ask.

Well, I’ve decided not to attend school tomorrow.

When doing some of my eleventh-hour homeworks with the help of the Internet, I was curious about my severity of my condition of stress and depression I’m feeling. So, I checked the Internet for some common symptoms about stress and depression.

But before that, let me tell you a little of what happened just now…

I’m supposed to have Chemistry tuition tonight. However, I skipped it because I didn’t feel healthy enough to attend it. My reason for not attending it was more inclined to the fact that I’m feeling quite “pressed”, physically and emotionally. I went to sleep directly after my dinner (my dinner is always before my tuition).

During the sleep which lasted about an hour plus, I dreamt of something – something not so pleasant. I dreamt about committing suicide in front of Dad, holding up sharp objects just centimetres away from my chest. Dad took those objects out of my hand every time I grabbed hold of another sharp object. My emotions at that time were really painful; I felt so much pain and so much sadness. I finally broke down, releasing the grip of the sharp object that I was previously clutching. I kneeled and lied down on my chest. I burst into tears. This time, my emotions were more prominent; I felt even more sorrow and so much pressure and depression. And when I cried in my dreams, I was suddenly awaken – while dreaming that scene of me crying, I was also crying with tears dripping wet on my bed sheets. The whole incident of me crying in my dreams also made me cried while sleeping really meant something – I’m undergoing some degree of stress and depression that is real, that affected me even when I’m sleeping.

An hour later or so, my parents, as usual, woke me up from sleep and gave me a surprise – a small birthday cake. I don’t really fancy eating cakes (especially those with loads of creams on it, they make my chest feel like it’s swollen every time I eat them), but they bought it anyhow because they insisted that it’s a must for birthdays.

The candles were lighted, about 7-8 of them. Looking at the cake gave me a very emotional feeling – I wanted to cry. I felt that way with the feelings of both pressure and love towards Leng and her sister and also the gratefulness of my parents to get all these hassle done perfectly. Dad and Mom sang the birthday song for me, but my sisters merely stared (they were shy, of course) and after that, they asked me to make a wish. I made a wish about being able to get together with Leng or her sister. I then blew the candles and said: I don’t feel like eating.

“No, you have to!!” Mum insisted.

“Nevermind, you can let them have my share. I don’t like cakes.” I replied moodily.

“Nonono, you must eat it.”

“If you want to leave some for me go ahead and put it in the fridge.” And with that, I went upstairs.

I merely blew the candles and made my wish but not eating the cake. Actually, I felt like crying. I feel like crying a lot these days. Even writing this makes me feel like crying. Not that this whole thing is touching or whatsoever, but it’s my feelings, I feel that my feelings have lost its sense of direction.

I closed and locked my room door. Picked up the cell phone and messaged Pey about how I felt. She text messaged me and followed up by a call. I have not spoken verbally to Pey before (we only met each other online and the reason why we call each other brother and sister is because we really have lots of things in common in us). The cell phone rang 15 times but I refused to pick it up. I was just shy to talk to someone that I’ve never verbally spoken to before. I know she was concern of me and I felt very touched by that. But I have made up my mind that if next time she calls (or I call her) then we’ll speak, because since we’re so close, there shouldn’t be any boundaries anymore in between us.

I felt like crying but couldn’t cry. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. What’s wrong with me? I remember experiencing all these same things years ago, when I was still in love with that previous girl that I like.

…and coming back to the scene that I was finding some stress and depressed symptoms, I found out that I’m undergoing a mild stage of depression.

• constant feelings of sadness, irritability, or tension (I feeling a constant feeling of sadness when thinking about Leng and her sister. I don’t feel irritated but I feel tension because I keep telling myself to work harder to be smarter than Leng, but I cannot do it because I couldn’t concentrate.)
• decreased interest or pleasure in usual activities or hobbies (perhaps a little of this is true. Taekwondo seemed a little boring that Friday.)
• loss of energy, feeling tired despite lack of activity (I feel worn-out, and don’t feel like doing anything and feel very tired of this whole thing.)
• a change in appetite, with significant weight loss or weight gain (Yeah, a little of appetite changes. Yesterday’s mean at Esquire Kitchen, I had only one bowl of rice instead of the usual two bowls.)
• a change in sleeping patterns, such as difficulty sleeping, early morning awakening, or sleeping too much (Not true. I sleep a lot even I feel stressed or not.)
• restlessness or feeling slowed down (A little true. I feel really restless and bored at home.)
• decreased ability to make decisions or concentrate (Very true. I just couldn’t concentrate on my studies at all.)
• feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, or guilt (Not too true. However I feel a little hopeless at times.)
• thoughts of suicide or death (The incident of my dreams prove some of this.)

Well, I’m not that bad as it seems. But I do feel moody these days. I don’t feel like talking too much to people, except to close people like Pey and people I think I feel close to such as Leng and her sister. I feel like crying a lot and feel that throbbing feeling (that feeling when you feel that you’re about to cry) in my heart really often. But other than that, I’m fine.

This is not me. I don’t want to be like this. I want myself back. But I’m being covered by this cloth of darkness. It’s all about the mind, and I know if I don’t let my feelings control me, I will get back to myself soon. The experts of this depressing thing says that a depressed patient is not his normal self. It’s the feeling that’s controlling him.

The only conclusion that I can arrive to is that I’m thinking and worrying too much. I should stop all these thoughts and stop my feelings from controlling me.

The whole experience shows me one thing which is good: I have such a nice twin sister, Pey who still strives to cheer me up despite me being in such a low mood. And with that, I get happy thinking about someone out there who’s close to me. I don’t have much close friends, or none actually except for Pey. Aww Pey, I’ll remember you till eternity.

But having made a decision of not attending school also means that I wouldn't be able to see Leng tomorrow... but sometimes in life, when you're pushed to a dead end like this, there's no other way around it. I'm feeling so depressed, would I sacrifice going to school tomorrow and risking the chance to see Leng enjoying her time with other boys (the hand-slapping game)?? and that would hurt me even deeper. Of course, I would also have to waste the precious chance of talking to her happily tomorrow. But that's just a chance. Since I'm in such a blue mood, for once, I'll give way for my blue mood to heal, but in turn, sacrifice seeing Leng tomorrow.

And I found this beautiful quote, out of just restlessness.

I want to be reborn as tree, because a tree can put its roots down next to their one true love, so that I never have to be separated from anyone again.

- Yun Eun-suh, in her teenage years, after she learns she belongs to Choi Shin-ae's parents and that she will be separated from the Yun family.

I will be that tree beside you, Leng.

Sources: Medical Info here, quotehere.

Girls, stop flirting!! Boys, stop cheating on them!!

There’s this newspaper article I stumbled upon which was quite scary.

(my camera ran out of battery, so i couldn't take the pictures. But nevertheless, these are what is written on the newspaper)

Within four minutes of introducing himself in a local Internet relay chatroom meant for teenagers, Aauarius asked to feel my breasts.

Even after being told that he was chatting with a 13-year-old schoolgirl, he asked for my height, weight, waist measurement and size of my “top.”

Claiming him real name was Eric, 22, he offered to take me shopping and to lunch – both at his expense.

“I treat you everything tomorrow,” he promised. But I had to let him “feel feel” me.

Eric was just one of 90 men who messaged me within minutes of entering an Internet chatroom.

Even after I said that I was 13, the lewd offers still came thick and fast.

These men did not seem worried that, under the law, it is illegal to have sex with a girl under the age of 16.

The punishment for statutory rape is severe – the culprit will be jailed at least eight years and given a minimum 12 strokes of the cane.

Despite this, the number of men reported to the police for having sex with underage girls has shot up over the last six years.

Last year, police received 217 reports of men who had sex with the underage girls, almost double the 114 cases in 2001.

July last month, three men aged between 18 and 23 were in court for having sex with a minor. The girl was only 12.

The laws will be toughened soon to deal with such paedophiles.

Psychiatrist Brian Yeo said men who target young girl to do so “feel in control.”

He said they get a “thrill” and consider it a “conquest” when a young girl gives in to their request.

Psychologist Daniel Koh added that because the young girls are sexually inexperienced, these men think they are “easier to please.”

But not all girls are that innocent, said Dr Yeo, and some crave the attention these men lavish.

Finding out that I was only 13 did not deter 27 men from doing so. Only 10 dropped out of the chat after I said that I was 13.

Some asked for sex from the word go. One man’s opening line was: “Want sex and quick cash?”

One man, Andy, even boasted about his experience with a 15-year-old girl at a hotel. The 26-year-old, claimed to be “skilful” at sex and promised that I would feel no pain.

One online chatter, who arranged to meet me at a playground at Bishan, lied about his age.

Claiming to be 19, Josh wanted to “cuddle for a bit” in his home. He later changed tack and said he was actually a 28-year-old basketball coach who trained schoolgirls as young as eight.

Another who coaxed me out promised a massage and the chance to watch movies which I was “not supposed to watch yet.”

Roger suggested meeting in Hotel 81 to “get comfortable” and “take shelter from the afternoon sun.” He brought along a laptop to play his “movies.”

Towering over me, the 32-year-old who claimed to be a computer systems engineer said he had met girls of all ages and that it was only “for fun.”

Roger did not believe I was a reporter. He continued to call me after we parted, asking if I was available to talk to him. – The Straits Times/Asia News Network.

Credits: The Straits Times, Asia News Network, The Star Newspaper.

Well seriously, girls and boys, if you really love someone and have deep feelings for that someone, why on earth would you still have the feeling of liking another person?? Or even for the sake of flirting?? If you really love someone so deeply, lust and attraction towards other girls would also not appear in your mind.

IN ADDITION (this is UTMOST important), if you REALLY have deep feelings of love for someone you love, you wouldn’t even think of wanting “pleasure” from her, seriously, because what you REALLY need most is not her body, but the love between the two of you. Contemplate over what I just said.

And for other people, why would you want to cheat these innocent young girls?? Don’t say young, you SHOULDN’T even be cheating innocent girls. GAWD!! That’s just too sick, so unthinkable, so crazy… would you cheaters want to see your daughters in the near future being cheated by other men and just dumped away like just another piece of wastepaper? Surely not!!

Seriously, when it comes to these topics, just anyone out there would get angry over these inhumane acts. I’m quite wordless for comments about this act, but if you were to ask Wingz, he’ll surely give these people some nicely constructed vulgar word of advice.

Wingz, help me scold these 'barbarians' ya?

Disclaimer: Picked this up from the newspaper. I don't see anything to flare about this topic unless you want to flare those 'non-humans' mentioned above.

Is this what i really Want??

Coming back from school, sitting on the dining table and starting to think about the happenings today…

So what am I really expecting for myself today? What am I expecting for someone like me, to get wishes of ‘Happy Birthday’ from the people I know?

I know that I’ve been yakking about ‘Birthdays are nothing more than just ordinary days’ but then, although they are ordinary, we also do expect something nice to happen at this very day that occurs only annually.

Like I’ve said, I’m not really expecting for some big surprise, a party, a cake or whatsoever gift. But there’s one thing that I really want this birthday – I really want to hear Leng say ‘Happy Birthday Kean Lee!!’ to me. That’s what I really want and that’s what matters most.

I’ve been imagining that scene almost every minute in my head since yesterday. However, things in school that happened today were as boring as usual.

I arrived in school at the usual time, walked into my class, hoping (as always) that she would look me in the eye. I put down my schoolbag, (sighed in my mind that she didn’t look at me) and prepared for school assembly.

Everything went normally fine (and boring of course – I had no one to talk to in class) but things brighten up a little (or a lot) after recess…

I was sitting down on my seat, leaning back and doing nothing. Bored, I looked around, and saw that Leng was in front, chatting with her friend. My mind was telling me how much I wanted to chat with her there. Then suddenly, my mind pressed me to walk over and join their conversation. So I couldn’t stand the urge of talking to Leng anymore, I stood up and headed towards their place. Upon our eyes meeting each other, I smiled, waved and said ‘Hello!!’ and she did the same. I stood there, listening to their conversation (I looked quite awkward standing there just like that – but what else can I do? I’m just soo nervous, my palms are sweating and cold, and I’m thinking of a topic that I should bring up). After a few seconds, while Leng’s friend (she’s my friend too) who’s called Tai (don’t ask me why her name’s funny, that’s just her surname) and Leng were having a laugh over their conversation, Leng looked at me and I smiled at her. I couldn’t exactly hear what they were chatting but smiled whenever they laughed in their conversation because I was standing and they were sitting, and the class was noisy, too.

While standing, I told Tai that I’ve found a nice Korean music for her. Actually Tai’s also quite a Korean fan like me, so I sent her some songs that day and we began chatting about it…

‘I found a new Korean music. It’s really really good!!’ I said to Tai, after the conversation between Tai and Leng stopped for a while.'

‘Do you have the lyrics??’ Tai asked.

‘No, I couldn’t find it.’

Leng was only looking at our conversation but didn’t comment on anything.

‘Well, there’s also a song I forgot to send to you. It’s a really nice song. I sent it to Leng.’ I said to Tai, looking at Leng now. ‘You liked that piano song??’ I asked Leng.

‘Kiss The Rain right??’ Leng asked.

‘Yeah’ I replied.

‘There’s also another song I’ve forgotten to send you that day.’ I told Leng.

‘I like piano songs’ Leng said.

I smiled at Leng, and was happy inside me because she liked piano like I did, and was also happy that she also remembered the song’s title – that depicts that she liked that song.

I noticed something – Leng usually sticks with her good friend, Abigail. But Abigail and Leng are not sitting together for now – Leng is in front chatting with Tai but Abigail is happily chatting with a group of boys, alone. This is an unusual sight, I had always thought that Leng and Abigail would be together.

However, when Tai touched on this topic…

‘Why aren’t you being with Abigail now?’ Tai asked Leng.

‘Oh, I’m not used to that group’ Leng replied.

At this instant, I got a little excited (because I realised that Leng did not fancy being with a group of boys since she did not want to be with Abigail just for this moment) and bent down, kneeled on the floor and were facing them. (Tai and Leng were sitting on chairs, and since they’re no empty chair available so I had to kneel down to talk to them.)

…then I asked Leng…

‘You don’t like to be with them?’ I asked Leng.

‘Yeah, just don’t like it.’ Leng replied.

Seeing a girl you love, not interested in other boys, makes you feel elated, really. Well, that’s at least how I felt – which was a nice feeling.

Out conversation continued with some discussion about further education after this year. She said some things about not studying enough for exams (I doubt that, she’s really smart, well at least smarter than me – that’s why I feel pressured to study harder, which is a good thing) and said she wanted to go to Form 6. She also added that she didn’t know what she wanted to study, yet. I asked her if that she would pursue her studies in any science-related field and she said she depends on her coping of her science subjects in Form 6. If she couldn’t cope with them, she would then pick up business-related courses later.

The teacher finally arrived into the class and we had to return to our places, which I felt reluctant. I wanted that moment to just stop there…

I suppose that’s my birthday present for this year. Although Leng didn’t wish me ‘Happy Birthday’, I think it’s okay because she must have not know about it and I’m already happy having even a small chat with her, which significantly brighten up my birthday, or at least, my day.

A Blue experience

Pey: Don’t cry, if you want to cry, cry with me. Because I’m your mei…

Me: Aww, I don’t want to see you cry. So I won’t cry okay??

Pey said that to me yesterday when I said I cried in the evening. That statement really touched my heart. It realises me that there are still people out there who cares for me.

Lately, I have quite not been myself and have been really quiet. I am quite in the blues these days and really not in the mood for almost everything, except for seeing and talking with Leng and her sister. It’s all those mixed feelings of love, sorrow, pressure and perhaps delusion.

Today’s a Sunday. My parents planned to take us out for a buffet lunch, as my birthday celebration. I woke up at 1.10pm and dragged myself downstairs. I had already the decision of not going and told Mum that. She somehow persuaded me and asked me what’s going on with me. I just said I’m fine and alright and then climbed upstairs.

When Dad arrived back home, I told him I didn’t have any mood to have any big lunch. Just a normal take-away lunch will do. He posed me the same question: Kean Lee, is there anything wrong? If there are problems you must tell us.

My parents expect me to confess in them whenever I have problems. But problems like these, who would also walk up to their parents and discuss about it? In addition, they always remind me not to get involved in any relationships and not to fall for anyone. Now, does it seem logical enough for me to tell them?? No, they won’t yell at me if I confessed in them, but then, it’s quite predictable that they will tell me the same advice: Don’t fall in love at such a young age.

Don’t misunderstand my parents for being like that, but in fact, they’re actually really caring and understanding, very much like your parents, too.

But anyways, I really don’t like being like this, because this is not me. I’ll try to get back my grip, and I think I can get back to my original self quickly, but I just need some extra concentration to put me back on track. And I’m also wondering if Leng would wish me ‘Happy Birthday’ tomorrow.

Calling ‘Short-names’

Nowadays, people are adopting the trend of addressing someone by their names in short.

I’ll point you an example:

If your name is …

Samantha, many would call you Sam.

Kean Lee - Kean

Joseph – Jose

Stephanie – Steph

Lim Peh – Lim

I So Ugly – Fugly

Han Sem Wingz– More Fugly

Seriously, this trend has become a norm in our developing society. Many might not notice it, but if you’re more sensitive towards the value of Respect, you would rather prefer to call someone by his last name.

Some people call me Kean, and if you were to shout KEAN behind of me when in a massive crowd, it’s unlikely that I’ll respond, because I’m not used to being addressed that way. So, if you were to call me Kean, I wouldn’t even be aware that you’re actually calling me.

No, it’s not that I don’t like people addressing me in they think it’s shorter for them but think it’s not too appropriate to address people this way. Why? Simply because if you were to call someone by their name in short, it would mean that you’re not quite respecting that person.

Well, this topic can be debated. You can address you close friend in short unless your close friend doesn’t care. Would someone leave you a bad impression if that person always seems to call everyone’s name in short? Surely he isn’t respecting other people.

Although I know this is not a problem at all. But to some people, addressing someone by their complete last names but not ‘simplified versions’ of their names would show how much the other person respects them and their names.

But anyways, you could address me as Kean if you like. I really don’t mind. The reason why I brought up this topic because there are people out there who actually minds being addresses by others their names in a simplified version.

To wingz: Haha, I joking nia, dun jeles mia name better than lu’s ok?

just another birthday

When I was just about to start writing on this post, Mom walked towards me and asked me: Kean Lee, Kean Lee, want to go see Spiderman or not? She was planning for my birthday. You know, parents always take their children’s birthday quite significantly and the trip to the cinema was one of Mom’s plans.

I shook my head. The two things came to my mind when that question was posed to me was: My exams are just next week, and I didn’t have the mood to go because, thoughts of Leng and her sister just keeps running through my mind, and because of that, how am I to put concentration into other things?

I remember writing about this before. But as a tribute to my nearing birthday, I would like to specially write this, again…

My birthday to me, seems like just any other day. I do not announce to the world that it’s my birthday (because your birthday might be a big day for you, but insignificant to others, why bother them thinking about what presents to give you?). And for all that I’ve remembered since I was born, the only people who notice my birthday are my parents.

However, there’s something wonderful about birthdays too, apart from making wishes of course. When it’s nearing your birthday, you might realise friends wishing you it’s your birthday. And because of that, you can actually notice and realise who are those friends of yours who actually paid attention to you and holds you at a significant position in their hearts. And that’s really an honour, and they are really your friends, and want to know something nicer? If they are your opposite gender, it might mean that, that person actually likes you :D

But of course, there are also people who actually realises it’s your birthday but didn’t wish you because that someone might be secretly admiring you from afar, and dare not walk up to you and wish you.

And I love pleasant surprises. That means that other people also love pleasant surprises. I like being wished ‘Happy Birthday!!’ by someone that I didn’t expect a wish from. That’s really beautiful. Unless that you’ve been writing to the media that it’s your birthday soon, the outcome will not be so satisfying as you already know someone’s going to wish you.

And because of that beautiful feeling, maybe that’s why girls love to keep their age as a secret, apart from telling their actual age.

But anyways, of course I still have my own wishes, wants and needs. I’ll still wish that time could tell me it’s either Leng or her sister that I love and being with either of them till eternity, when I have realised that who I really love.

A meaningful birthday to me would also mean a quiet night, with mild drizzling, while everyone is asleep. Listening to my favourite music’s and maybe thinking about them or relaxing my mind, and that would be nice too.

But after all, birthday’s are just another day you’ve have to carry your life forward.

Happy birthday to me!!

…and of course, I know when’s Leng’s birthday is and I’ll send her a card and probably a present (which you girls reading will please help me think of what to give her) and it’ll be a surprise to her ^^ That’ll be a beautiful memory for her.

(And no, I’m not writing this to tell everyone that my birthday’s arriving. I’m merely expressing what the meaning of my birthdays to me.)

My very First ‘Poem’

Well, I’m not someone who actually knows how to appreciate poems, and as for that, I surely don’t even have the knack of writing a decent one, of course. But this Thursday night, I became quite emotional when I was thinking about Leng’s sister and I somehow came up with the idea of wanting to express my feelings…

This is what I wrote at 2am in the morning that day on a piece of paper:

Every year just passes just like that,

people who crossed my life, I merely recall but later forget,

till I’ve finally found someone that I have once met,

but did not take the time to notice and regretted that,

and falling for her would mean that she’s someone who I’ll never forget…

till that very day that I would still be always waiting and having that loving feelings for you, still intact.

-A love, never to be forgotten-

Well, that’s my first ever poem written. I wonder if you can call it a poem, because it doesn’t even look like one anyway. But hey, I spent some time thinking about that!!

…and I also scribbled this on the paper:

A feeling of sorrow, tears and pain deep down inside my heart when I recall that scene that I could not express my feelings. The only thing I would finally have to admit, that’s my love for you.

At 1.22 a.m. in the morning, still not asleep, thinking about her and suddenly surprised by what I am unconsciously doing:

I’m unconsciously practicing what to say to her, facing my mirror!!

Well, when I realised what I was doing, I smiled at myself and told myself: Kean Lee, you’re in love with her and it’s time you really should admit your love for her.

All these while I was just telling myself: Kean Lee, you can’t do that, Leng and Leng’s sister are your friends, you’re not in love with both or either of them.

Yeah, I lied to myself, but since my mind tells me that I have crossed the border – crossed the border of being friends and love and that would mean I should stop lying to myself that they’re just my friends, not just that I have feelings for either or both of them, but I have fell in love.

The Turning Point of our Lives

I’m not too sure about others experiences. But for me, I’m just still too naïve to realise things when I was still in Primary School, thus, there are only a few things I can remember about my childhood life when I was still in Primary School.

Secondary school being the place of loads of events and happenings, and so how it’s the time I started to think more maturely, I just seem to remember the events of every year since the first day I stepped into the black gates of my Secondary School.

Although time just seemed to pass so fast, without really realising it I’m already at my last year in this school. Attending my club meeting, and seeing some students who are just freshly introduced into this new phase of life really strikes my eagerness to turn back time. The ways they speak and express themselves makes me feel like I’m still 4 years younger.

The time when I first met that girl in that House Meeting, then followed up by experiences. Then when I was in my Second Year, all those little things that made me think a lot. Year Three was the year when I saw my target, to strive to excel for a bright future in hopes that we’ll meet one day and be together. That year was exceptionally joyful because, despite the Public Exams at the end of the year, I still managed to play and enjoyed life with my friends until the last 2 months before I became serious about the exams.

The following year, I was being placed into the common class as Leng, but still did not fall for her. Co-incidentally, that girl that I had feelings for since that day I saw her at the House Meeting was in the same class as I was. I remembered not being able to sit still because I had a mindset that I have to put a good impression on her since she’s sitting a few rows behind me and could clearly see what I was doing. Not too long after that, my feelings for her faded. I felt free of attachment for a moment and since then, I had not fall for anyone until year 2007… Ahh, that was the previous year…

And coming into this year, I bought a medium sized photograph of my class, as it’ll serve of some nostalgic memories later on. I still did not have feelings for anyone… till just recently, I realised Leng and her sister that very day, when she was sitting with my friend, while my friend is helping me with my Club Society’s Bulletin Board.

Every experience and moment we all go through, no matter how much significant to us, is actually important because it has finally brought us to what we are today.

What life am I going through?

You know something? I don’t really like the idea of every time coming here to realise that I’m about to post something that’s not so good that happened. However, life is not always a bed of roses as we expect it to be – it has its up’s and down’s. And lately, I’m experiencing a lot of downs, and since I have no where to seek to, to express me feelings, my blog would seem to only place that I can seek such refuge, a place to express how I really feel.

Let’s put it short – I’m getting really worked up by all these stuffs. Today’s a Friday and yeah… I didn’t go well.

Anyways, I’ve got good news, and bad news. Good news is that I’ve passed my grading!! And now I’m a Red-2. Just another grading and I’ll be Black ^^

But that good news isn’t really a good news anyways, because it had no effect on my feelings today – I didn’t feel elated or whatsoever when I heard that I passed, that’s because something not to pleasant happened just before that…

Well, the decision on either to follow her to her club, or attend my club meeting today – I went to her club.

After a 5 minute lunch, I ran to her club’s meeting area and realised that she’s not there. So after a thorough search, I knew I couldn’t be there for any longer because I didn’t have a really good feeling if I were to really attend her club so I could stand by her side and strike a conversation.

So I went back to attend my club meeting since I could not find her in her club. As usual, we had our really boring meetings and literally wasting everyone’s time. But since I hold some significant post in my club, my presence is also significant and that explains why I had a hard time choosing today between attending her club or mine.

…but if I had seen her there, I would remain there with her, and not attend my club’s meeting… what a sacrifice I did…

I excused myself at 1.50pm when my watched reminded me and went of the class and rushed to the School Hall – because there’s where I believe she always hang out at.

I didn’t see her. I knew I would see her really soon but still couldn’t stand the burning feeling inside me that I really needed to see her now. Because of that, I did some search for her but to no avail I still failed to spot her presence. But later on, I saw her walking pass by me (without greeting me since it was too crowded to spot me) and felt an instant spear in my heart.

For a week I’ve been waiting for this moment – to see her and chat with her. I followed her and tried my best to look as everything was just natural. There she was, walking towards me while my eyes still looking at the floor, trembling with fear.

I looked up and managed to look her in the eyes but only managed to give her a smile.

‘Hi’ She said.

I don’t know why, but I didn’t speak a word. How much I’ve missed her talking to me, how much I’ve missed her voice. She proceeded walking away the opposite direction of me. I’m still standing there…

OH WAIT!! Leng’s online now!! (will continue writing this later!!)

Ahhhhhh, I don’t dare to talk to her!! But since I’ve waited SO LONG FOR THIS, also for the fact that she didn’t turn up last Friday online… best wishes!! I’m going to talk to her anyway!!

(I’m back!! She went offline early because she has to attend school for extra lessons tomorrow – that includes me!! How was the chat?? It went good ^^ Tell you more about it in another post!!)

Allow me to continue (whoa, I’m feeling great after the chat. Wonderful how love can take us, eh?)

She walked to the pavilion and went off. My mind running with thoughts and emotions. Heartbeat racing while thinking hard what I should really do? I continued waiting outside the School Hall and my mind just refuses me to follow her, catch-up with her pace and start talking with her, because my mind keeps telling me: Don’t make it too obvious that you like her!!

I waited and waited for her return. Finally she came back after what seemed like 5 minutes. Every minute at that moment took ages to pass – but that was okay and that was how I wanted time to go. She walked passed by me and I looked at her, and smiled once again.

‘Why you keep walking around??’ I asked, trying really hard to start a topic with her and get going well with it.

‘I’m very bored.’ She replied curtly. And then proceeded off walking pass me.

And with that, I didn’t really get the chance to have a proper conversation because she just seems to provide such curt answers to my question. But I know I must try harder. Such as getting questions that would strike her interest, and there would be some efficient conversation going on.

The unwelcoming moment when the bell rang indicated the start of schooling session for the afternoon session students. I looked at her from a short distance, while she was about to pick her bag from the ground. Her eyes darted at me shortly and abruptly but then looked at me once again and there I smiled and waved goodbye and she did the same.

That concluded that session. I regretted not having a proper conversation with her. Because of that, I was in a blue mood for the whole day. I went back home at 6.00pm. Took a long nap from 6.15pm to 10.15pm because I was really frustrated at myself, about what’s wrong with me that I can’t think about anything to talk to her.

I waited and thought of her for one whole week. Every moment was anticipated for that very few 30 minutes with her. And it just ended like casual friends today – my life is really mistreating me.

Brace!! Brace!!

Ho-hum! *brings chest forward* i'm getting mentally prepared for another hectic day tomorrow... mainly...

1. Seeing the gloomy faces of my classmates and endure their everlasting super-duper cool lame jokes.
2. Homework mountains

but most of all... this matters most...

1. BRACING myself up and having a wonderful chat with Leng's sister

...and thats what i'm anticipating and worrying the most. I'm worrying that:

1. What if i couldn't meet her
2. and that would lead to us not having a wonderful chat
3. What if i ran out of topics (nah, i didn't actually prepare a list of topics)
4. What if i would stir up her suspicion that I actually have feelings for her?
5. and that would unfortunately lead her to drift away from me?!

It kills to think of things that are bound to happen. But seriously, why worry?? I know I'll be performing at my best, and I hope that's much more than she expects from me.

thanks for ... listening to the wowww, so interesting!! boring topic. And to make things up, i'll show you what my mom brought back from her office two days ago O.o

You counted it right!! 33 bottles of Brands Chicken Essence!!

No, they're not empty bottles, as you can see, they all still have that black liquid in it.

Best of all?? My aunt gave them all to my mom for FREE. And of course, i'll prolly get a good dose of that for the great brace tomorrow.

Till then!! WISH ME LUCK!!

Ps: Pey, need some bracing to talk to him?? I'll be glad to courier you some xD

SARANG in gayo?

Excuse me, I just couldn’t content my urge to say something.

This is really killing me. After days of anticipation of wanting to see Leng’s sister, I just don’t know what made me think differently… a little differently.

Perhaps I don’t feel ready but I don’t have that feeling to see her tomorrow. However, the thing that clashes with this feeling is my feeling of great anticipation. In other words I FEEL LIKE SEEING AND BEING WITH HER SO MUCH BUT I AM AFRAID AT THE SAME TIME.

Nothing special happened in school today. Leng’s and my eyes caught for a fraction of a second and she turned away. I guess we were still shy although that chat on that Friday, a fortnight ago. Then I hear that annoying voice behind my head scolding me: Why just didn’t you say ‘Hi’ to her and why do you ALWAYS seem to avoid looking at her?!

Sometimes like these things happen, because of my shy-self, I tend to get angry about myself, about how silly things I just fail to do. I feel like banging my head on the floor now because I don’t seem to get the right concentration to study, because my mind just seem to direct my thoughts to her when I put my eyes on my books – now how am I supposed to study when I can’t concentrate?

Yesterday, I sat down alone, took out a sheet of paper and jotted down my priorities, how new my exams are (just only next week), what I must do to keep the constant direction of my concentration away from Leng and her sister, and other important stuffs. I supposed it didn’t help.

I just keep telling myself: Study, study and study!!. Well literally, the things I tell myself are just words in my mind, it doesn’t follow up with actions.

Ahh, the pile of books and syllabus awaiting me, without the time, and with the wrong concentration… how am I supposed to take my examinations?

Just tomorrow, I’ll be getting to meet Leng’s sister again, and getting my Taekwondo results. But that Taekwondo thing is nothing. Now I’ll have to think and plan what would be of tomorrow.

AHHH, I really miss her SOO very very much!! This whole thing is REALLY driving me insane.

Ps: My apologies for being a little informal for this post – I’m on the verge of enrolling myself in the mental hospital.

That memorable Evening

My favourite season is autumn. But since in Malaysia we don’t have autumn, there’s also a time in everyday that I also like – that’s the evening.

The skies with some clouds, the orange sunlight, the green grass, the windy breeze and the sounds of nature all surrounding you when you’re sitting down on a ceramic bench in the park.

And now its 6.49pm, I’m sitting down here, looking out of the window, watching the birds flying back to their nests and kissing the air. It’s just something we really need after a hectic day. Your mind really just seems to stop there for a moment while you’re being alone. That’s life we should really experience.

I’m like everyone of you, who would miss the person I love when that person’s absent. It was four years ago, during the month of December. I was at my friend’s place. His name is Jien, a close friend of mine, with a somewhat geeky look. But nevertheless, the reason why we could be close friend is because we can communicate. But I have to admit, he’s personality and character isn’t the same as mine, but being able to communicate is really the main point in a close friendship.

Anyways, during those days, I was still deeply in love with this girl (I believe I have mentioned about her a couple of times) and because it was during the long holidays, my heart grew so fond of her because of that long absence of her in my life. That evening, when I was at my friend’s house’s porch, I got to experience the beauty of that evening, the sight, sounds and smell like everything that I’ve mentioned above. I thought in myself: What could you be doing now? I’m at my friend’s place, looking up the sky and thinking about you and really am missing you.

How much I really wished to talk and to be with her that very moment…

Very often, I still recall my pasts, not because that I still like her, but I just missed those days so much, where I did a lot of thinking and was still naïve. That feeling of wanting to talk and be with Leng’s sister is rekindled today, that’s what sparks my enthusiasm to write this now.

And sometimes, I would really have that feeling of running away from this hectic, and hustle and bustle of this city life to someplace quiet, somewhere that I could develop inner peace…

A desire to say Something

There isn’t a reason to some things. And this post doesn’t have a main point too. I just felt like writing this out, just in case I forget, and as a memory to myself – so when I’m older, I can reflect on my previous self in this blog…

I’ve forgotten to add that that day, Leng’s sister also said she liked to be alone…

‘I like to be alone. When I’m in Puay Chai, I’m always by myself, so I’m used to it’. She said. The way she said is just really adorable, because she tends to not pronounciate clearly, which is something I like about her.

‘Well, I’m always with myself to’. I replied.

There are some common points in us, which I have yet to encounter someone who’s got so many common points with me.

1. She says she likes to be alone. I love to be alone too.

2. She loves depressing songs. I didn’t verify her definition of ‘depressing’ but I know those songs that I like can quite make you cry too.

3. She loves to sing, but she’s not good at it. Well, I love singing, but I’m not too good at it too.

Oh, maybe PeyPey is also like me and her. Maybe my twin sister can get along really well with her, which is a good thing =D