Happy Chinese New Year!!

Mm, it's 3.50 in the morning now, Chinese New Year's Eve, listening to Kim Bum-soo's 'My Memory'

It has been quite an eventful week. Valentines day was dull for me. When i arrived at class at about 7.20am, i saw her table, which was just in front of me full of gifts. I wasn't surprised. That implies that she's quite popular among friends. May it be the opposite gender, it's still something that gives me the same impression that she just changed so much since the first time i saw her.

Anyways, i received only a gift from another really thoughtful friend which beared a message 'Best frens!' attached to the gift. But oh it's alright for me. I don't quite see mind if people gives me anything or not. A mere wish such as 'Happy Valentine's Day!' would cheer me up.

But it was an exceptionally dull and boring day on that day. I seriously think that it's much more meaningful if you'd made the gift by yourself and hand it to someone you intend to give it personally. And for those who did not receive any gifts, it's nothing much to worry anyways because there might be someone out there who's got some feelings for you but darenot express it to you. And perhaps, you've got really nice friends who does not believe in giving presents will strengthen the bond between you two.

Oh, about today, my school held a cross-country running competition (or whatever you call that) 'Merentas Desa'. I thought of walking the whole 5km but turned out jogging as much as possible. I sweated a lot too!! As if drenched wet in rain. Overall, it was much better than last year because in the previous year, it was another 500m longer (not much of a difference) and i felt that i just wanted to stop in the middle of the race but forced myself anyways and had the feeling of wanting to throw-up.
This year, however, i did not have any of those feelings, and thats good. So i came back and turned on my computer after a long bath. Couldn't stand for another hour, i went to sleep until my sister woke me up, which was another hour later. Played some computer games and had dinner.
After dinner, i played computer AGAIN, because i was just too bored and i feel bored even when i'm the computer. Pey was online and that brighten up my day. Saw Rachael online too but my internet connection hated me so much that it failed to work for... (i don't know how long it lasted) and i went to sleep instead.
Woke up 2 hours later and PLAYED computer again because i was even more BORED. Hoped Rachael was on but she wasn't.
And i'm still on the computer now. =x

I don't have close relationships with my relatives. So my Mum stopped visiting them since 5 years ago. Less ang pao's wasn't good, but oh well, i didn't really like my relatives either because they're just TOO STRANGE.
My dad's side was better. But it's not soo big as my Mum's. I don't quite recall having dull feelings about those previous new years but it's exceptional this year. Similar to Valentine's, i feel that it's REALLY REALLY going to bore me. I'll be staying at home the whole chinese new year and only throwing a party next (oh dear, i think i've forgotten the date) oh i remember now!!, it's on this saturday, or was it sunday (oh it gives me the creeps because thats tomorrow!! ahhh!!) but it's strictly only for my parents' colleagues.
To compensate our boredom and quiet new year, my parents suggested that my sisters and i call our friends over next wednesday or thursday (i'll verify the date with them)
I've decided to call my wacky friend. And i think i'm too late to invite rachael, (RACHAEL IF YOU CAN READ THIS, PLEASE REPLY ME, well, if you want to come to my house to spend some strange time with us, I HOPE VERY MUCH THAT YOU COULD COME!!).
(PEY!!, ahh, if you could only come, but thats too far, right?? oh man, i really wished you can come)
Very likely my elder sister will call a whole group of friends. My little sister would probably call 2 or 3, no idea, she changes her 'good friends' very often.

Hmm, maybe i should not expect too much after all. 2 noisy days should brighten up my new year!!

Oh and i was bored this Thursday and took some strange pictures from my computer..


i was choosing which korean music i should listen


and i accidentally learned how to invert colours (yeah, i rarely experiment with paint) it's COLOURFUL!!

HAVE A NOISY AND HAPPY CHINEEEEESE NEW YEAR!!

oh yeah, and my friend casually said i have a little girlish attitude in me. I then asked her if it was supposed to be a good or bad thing. She laughed and didn't reply me. =X what do you think?? i think not!!

Another Lonely Valentine's Day...

I have never once before took Valentine's as a meaningful day, even in the days when i was in love with her. Perhaps it's because i have no partner to celebrate with, but merely wished her from far, all the best to her, deep down inside my heart which, only i will know.

It's a little different this year though. Mm, i have not an idea why, but it seems that i really think that this year's a little different that i thought it was the last year for us to see each other every weekday.

One day after school, in my Fourth Year, i spotted her chatting happily with a friend of mine, which used to be a buddy of mine in my First Year. I was looking from far and i realized that she was chatting animatedly and he was smiling.

The feeling wasn't good; looking at someone who you loved so long but never once strike a conversation with her but a previous good friend just anyhow went to talk to her. Perhaps she really is pretty that makes many guys attracted to her, but for what i know, i wasn't attracted to that fact in the first place.

Those days, i didn't like the idea of me knowing who she likes because i might generate ill feelings towards that person, which is not unwholesome. I didn't like enemies either nor liked to make any. So i chose to just let things go with the flow.

I went back home with so much ideas in my mind: Does she like him. Then i recalled a scene that occurred some months ago.

I was sitting with that guy under the tree, which held so much memories, during recess. Suddenly, her friend and her walked across and we looked at them. I didn't want to make things too obvious so i looked away quickly.

He suddenly popped me the question: You see that girl there?

'Which girl?' I pretended to ask, because there was only her friend and her. It was clearly obvious that he wasn't referring to her friend.
'The tall and chubby one' He replied.
'Oh, yeah. Why, you have feelings for her?'
'Nope, just thought she was cute'

I really didn't like that reply. As i've always thought, there are people other than me who has got feelings for her and thats natural. But i was afraid that he would tackle her before i did. And i didn't like that idea too. I didn't want that friend as a rival either, so i just kept the whole thing as something trivial.

But coming back to the scene where he talked to her, i now understand that perhaps he's trying to woo her.

I went back home with unanswered questions which i would have to do the observation-hypothesis-guessing game, which i always did when i didn't have anyone to talk about my love problems. 'Could she have feelings for him?? Could they have a chance of being together??' i thought. It's natural, but it was surprising that i didn't feel much jealously over that because i knew it was my fault to be so shy and didn't brave up my courage to talk to her.

After many incidents of seeing such things before and after that scene, i finally realized one very important thing of the reason of liking her...

For me to love her, it doesn't really matter if i would be with her, but the thing that matters most and the most important is for me to see her being happy, because the whole reason of loving someone is to see your loved one not being in hardships.

This valentine's, perhaps we don't have anyone to celebrate with, and perhaps we have some feeling for someone else and he or she might be celebrating with someone else, don't be jealous over that, but be happy instead because that the person you really love is feeling happy.

And perhaps, someone is looking and thinking about you from afar, and is really wishing to be with you. Try to make him or her happy, although you might not have feelings for that person, but at least you'll really make that person happy and because you won't want anyone to feel sad for you.


I suppose today's my last night that i would be online till Valentines, if my parents would allow, or next weekend.
On Valentine's, i would do something meaningful. I would finalize my story about her and it would be ready for Pey, which i have long promised to send it to her.

To all, as if it's just another casual wish, but this is something that i sincerely wish all
A very Loving Valentine's Day.

11 February 2007.

and look, something i took out of boredom...

I took this just today, because thought the sky was looking soo beautiful!! just look at the blend of the blue and red. It doesn't look as good in the picture, but it's still fine i guess..





and i went down and continued to finish my homework and it looked like this..



and yeah, it's pretty messy, and that gives me a headache.

Oh yeah, look at this, a funny clip my friend introduced to me!!


..and no, i'm no pokemon fan. I just liked the part where he says: Hey, whats that pokemon? and the girl replies Misty! Misty! :D

credits: thecanofnothing

oh, i was just bored, thats all. I was just too cooked up with homework this weekend that i spent my whole weekend completing it! uh, and it's 11.05pm now and i'm not too sure when my curfew is going to begin :/ but i'll try to blog about ideas that i've written some days ago.

Valentine's Day

There are many who will cherish this day as a day full of love and care towards one another. Others however, will have a green eye on those engaged in relationships and then look upon themselves as a loner without a partner.

They'll come whining that they have no partners to celebrate this annual thing together. Some others will feel sad for this fact and even some will cry over it. Laugh all you want, when it's your turn, the feeling is nasty.

The point is, we're all adolescents (oh noo, not that grandma stories again >.<) and we have those, you know, emotions that drive us all the wrong way.

Peer-pressure of seeing other couples in school gets us the idea that we ought to have one. Perhaps as a status-symbol or merely just desire.

Why waste time getting into a relationship when you know that you wouldn't go far, a risk of doing something wrong (pregnant or other nasty stuff), and keeping the relationship a secret to your beloved parents?? Your parents might allow you, but in fact, if you were to ask them to give you the sincere answer, they would have preferred you not to have engaged in relationships at such a young age.

At this crucial growing stage, out bodies release sex hormones that stimulates us to be develop in both physical and mental sexual developments. Such changes will result us to be at our peak of emotions. And when we're actually at the peak of our emotions, we tend to react more aggressively.

To be put in other words, we're just over-excited over these feelings. Feeling fun to get into a relationship.

I'm still a single. I have feelings too. I have feelings for another girl but i know my priorities now. Even if we have mutual feelings towards one another, i wouldn't be keen to begin a relationship because i know it wouldn't last. Talk about those relationships that end up in marriages later in the future. Yes, it's possible, but how often do you hear such cases? I would predict one in a thousand.

But the most of all for what i've just said is too general, and very often speak of. For me, those are not too important. For what i know, i would want my first relationship to be my last relationship, the last person that i will love, the last person that i would spent my entire life with, share my joys and sorrows.

The first relationship is soo important to me because it is so meaningful compared to another person who has experienced many relationships, and another relationship to his isn't a big deal, isn't really significant.

The first relationship with the one that you know, and you will be living together forever will also be soo pure and sincere. Thats why i would choose the person that's going to be with me, to be my first relationship in my life.

an easier alternative to show your sincerity during Valentine's??

They have these common activities carried out by my school's Interact and Leo Club (clubs which i always think as students status symbol because of it's foreign activities; members, don't flare me. It's most likely to be only my school's club which is like this) on Valentine's Day. The members hand out forms that provide little services such as delivering roses, sweets, etc. for a small price. The proceeds? They said it's going do some good deeds, beats me, i my school's club is the most corrupted.

Whatever it is, when it's around this time, students will start filling their names into the forms, as if the service is free. A small message is attached to those little gifts and some bearing words such as 'I Love U', 'I Miss U', you get the idea..

But i find it funny somehow, of how they personally feel about the sense on sincerity. I mean, if you're really sincere about a relationship (be it a friend or a love-partner), isn't it better to buy a gift yourself and present it to the person personally rather than paying someone (the club) to do that for you?

Perhaps i'm thinking too much or exaggerating. But contemplate on what i just said. Don't tell me we don't have time to even get a present for somebody. We can't true friendship and relationship with money. It would definitely be more meaningful if you were to personally do the job yourself.

But if it's for fun, then go ahead. If it symbolizes the existence of the friendship bond, go ahead, too. But if it's for someone you love but you dare not tell her that you like her but choose to send her the gift anonymously, that could be understood. Other than that, if you love that someone with her knowledge, it would be wiser to be brave and give that person a lovely surprise.

February 2007

Today's 1st February 2007, 2.30am.

I don't recall the exact date. But i know, it is within this month that attention shifted to her and feelings developed 5 years ago...

Today's my anniversary. However, i wouldn't acknowledge it as an anniversary because my feelings for her has ceased. It's the attachment that actually holds me back and says that i should at least, remember this day, the last year that i would be in school, a day to remember.

I assumed that i fell for her on this very month, five years ago, because i knew i didn't notice her presence till February and i was certain that i already developed loving feelings towards her in March.

Sitting down here and reflecting on my past, so many things have changed since. Her personality. She changed much too. Well, i have grew to be wiser. And i still miss those very days where i didn't have much homework to do. The passing-by her class, and trying to look into the hole where the glass plane was missing but care not to make it too obvious so that she wouldn't know.

The smell of the evening air, the orange sky and the cool weather. It all reminds me of the first year, where my class was just next to hers. Back then, i loved her so much.

The abrupt change of friends must be the greatest factor that led to a change in her, or perhaps i was wrong because she might already have that personality in her even before i knew her. But it's true that everyone changes with time.

Whatever it is, this year, my last year in school, last year to be in the common class as she's in, and perhaps the last year that i would be seeing her. Most of all, the very last year to leave the greatest memories that i've always treasured so much throughout all these years. Though i often chant to myself that i have no feelings for her anymore but it's so contradicting for the fact that it's the last year and i want to leave memories behind. Finally, i chose to enjoy this year, at the same time struggle hard for my Public Examination at the end-year, and make sure i appreciate the moments that is past and has yet to come and not regret about it in the future, nor feeling disgusted to think of it when i'm no longer in Secondary School.

Valentine's fall on this month, what a co-incidence, and what a beautiful co-incidence.