Tuesday, 12 November 2013

A little medicine

Relationship is like an ill person. And and ill person, at different times, is struck with different severity of pain due to his illness.

I am an ill person. At this moment, my pain is great. My pain feels like it is tearing me apart in the heart.

And the medication to this illness is love. For a very sick man, he would need to take his medications every few hours. And that is how I feel, too. I need her attention and consoling every few moments, to make me feel less painful.

Perhaps she doesn't understand this. Perhaps, the person whom I've loved all this while isn't so emotionally sensitive and mature to see this.

Perhaps she cannot meet this need of mine.

But...does that all matter? This is the question I ask myself everytime when I feel this way about us. But again and again, the returning voice in my head have always been repeating the same answer to me: I love her so much, and that is all that matters, nothing more.

Saturday, 9 November 2013

Revisiting past emotions


Turning up the music, tears running down my cheeks, to cover the sounds of my cries.

Yesterday was so beautiful. It was so beautiful that I was so scared it was my last memories with her. I kept rewriting the moments that flowed past, in my heart frantically, not wanting to forget the memories if it was truly my last, hoping with all I can on the other hand that we would be together forever.

I couldn't open my mouth to ask her if she would spend the night with me tonight, or that if tomorrow, Sunday, she would spend some time with me, because I don't want to rob her of her church duties, for which she found a renewed relationship with God.

I want her to know that there is God, but not to forget us. Not to forget that how much we have put into this relationship together...how much I have put into us together.

All this has been very unjust towards me. I have put all my heart and soul into our relationship because of the heartbreaks that I experienced before Carmille. Because, I don't want to fall into the same black hole that I fell into many years ago. But I never knew that I'd feel the same again when I'm in this relationship...

...that, I am starting to revisit the old feelings of myself in the past. I feel that I'm slowly slipping into a depression again, because I am starting to feel my heart freezing up again.

And it was this same girl who's heart has thawed mine from a freeze, to be willing to open up once more.

I want to bring her to my place, to reopen the stashed away box of our college and hostel memories. I want to renew our memories of how much we loved each other in the past.

And to watch a Millionaire's First Love again.

The lyrics of Jay Chou's "Everywhere is You" was, word for word, describing my feelings now. Such a fantasy from a drama...a movie, or an music-video should never have happened to me, I thought.

There are just so many things that is running inside my head right now. So much that meditation is so much of a help to keep the deafening noise and feelings running in my heart. So much so that at times, I find myself breaking down uncontrollably in the most inconvenient times. And at times, I no longer feel anything more but just sadness...not even embarrassment to keep the burst of tears in front of strangers that would stare at me.

There is only so much a person a can take before his pot of emotions overflow. Mine is at the brim already. Threatening to spill over anytime.

All I wish is for us to keep strong together. All I wish is that we will remain together.

Thursday, 7 November 2013

I love you...more than you can imagine...

Love is such an deep feeling. Love humbles us so much that we can feel so physically and mentally beaten up at the end of the day. Especially when the involved parties are going through a moment of obstacles together.

As I return to another bout of refuge in this blog, waves of emotions are hitting me. Sometimes, it's hard to see truth as it really is when you're so pressured to do the right thing.

Re-reading my old posts after such a long while, it appears that I haven't changed much. I still am rejoicing in remembering every moment of us together.

But after what happened yesterday, which also took me by surprise, shook me so badly that it reminded me of the very grave fears of falling into a depression as I had experienced before.

There will be many lasts in this relationship if it were to end. I cannot afford to fall into a depression, because I know very well what awaits me if I fall into the third depression. For I so love my parents, and for the cruelty that my previous depression sucked them in, too...it would be so unfair for them.

All I want is to save this relationship. I'll do anything for us to remain together.

And all I know is that I love her so very much. To me, that is all that matters. And to me, that is my everything.