Hello all, for those who are surprised to see this post, after a many year hiatus.
I have been doing good; it's just that I've been lazy in writing new things, though occasionally the feeling of writing comes, like now.
I have been pretty much the same in character...nothing much changed, still the melancholic person and hence that kind of posts you'll probably be seeing in the future.
I don't quite remember writing much when I was in college. I was initially enthusiastic and all excited about my new college, TARC. Switching from Sunway College to TARC really was a beautiful experience, all beginning from the friendlier people to the feel of a real campus life. All those good first impression slowly turned into an attachment, pretty much like what I previously had for my high school. Strangely, back in those days, I didn't feel a need to immortalise the memories I gained there into writing.
I kind of regretted that, actually. Though I still remember much of the memories, but I'm also sure that much beautiful memories are lost through time. I graduated from TARC in June 2010. It's now February 2012...nearing to two years since I graduated.
Sometimes, I do marvel at how the one and a half years there, as compared to the greater amount of time passed, made such an impression onto me, as if it was a large chunk of memory shadowing over something so tiny (the longer amount of time that passed).
I miss college very much. I miss it so much. There will be no going back, I know.
And these are some of the baggages that we would carry with us throughout life. Some memories fade with time, some being overshadowed by more meaningful memories. But this is a particularly beautiful one that I would want to keep forever. I am sure everyone has such a memory...and you would know which is yours if you have a memory that you wouldn't mind repeating your life in there for an eternity, if there was a chance.
I guess this would be a short post. I hope to be back writing, though I cannot be sure if it will be consistent. However, what I do know is that this blog will always be here, stagnant it may be, but it will always be here.
Friday, 3 February 2012
Sunday, 28 June 2009
My Pasts
Sunday, 28/06/09
In my past nineteen years of being Kean Lee, of my eyes witnessing so many things before me, I have grown so much, learnt so much, and experienced so many things that have made the personality I, Kean Lee, has today. And it is because of these different things that we experience everyday, it is only natural they make little changes in us as time goes on.
This year alone, with the passing of almost seven months, occurred to me turning points in life that have made me learnt so many new things. And just moments ago, I reflected on the Kean Lee one year ago, and the Kean Lee at this very moment, and saw that the two images are no longer alike. They are now irrelevant, incomparable states of happiness. The personality of me a year ago lives a life that is dependent on my pasts, and I live in my memories that I keep so very close to my heart. But now, I am no longer like that. Now I’m living a life dependable on the present moment, and it seems that my history isn’t anymore for me, a reason to keep living, but rather it now becomes a teacher that guides me whenever I encounter the same problems.
Because of this, today, I have decided to dissolve the attachment that I have for my pasts. It is not that I’m still clinging on to this attachment before today, because in fact, since the very moment that I started to think of Carmille when I return home from college, that was already the beginning where I started to drop my clinging to my pasts. But it is today, that I make myself clear to my very self, that I completely allow the strings holding-on to my pasts to be released.
Although I have always known and been told that I should be living in this present moment rather than the past or the future, it has been hard for me before this, because of the attachment I have for my pasts. But now that I have something on to hold-on to, and it has taken priority over my pasts that I start my reason of living because of this love I have for Carmille, my pasts now become irrelevant in my life. And I’m very, very happy that I love Carmille so very much.
This post probably marks the beginning of a lesser frequency of me blogging because… I’m going to move into my college’s hostel today.
There are many reasons of me moving into hostel. But the two main reasons is because I would want to spend more time with Carmille, because she, too, lives in the hostel, and also that I want to have a greater focus on my academic studies. These two reasons may seem contradicting, but because of my priorities, both of us have devised that studying together will bring us both closer together, and at the same time, helping one another out in our academics.
I know to many, the news of me moving into hostel comes a shocking news. But the part that I, Kean Lee, have got to play is big. There are many considerations, compromises, and sacrifices that I have made to come to this decision. And it has occasionally come to me the selfish thought that I hope she would realise the things that I have done, but I would always remind myself that, that isn’t the point, and it is selfish to even have thought about it, because it should be that as long as she’s happy, that would in turn make me happy. It’s not a matter of hoping that she will realise things or understand, but it matters most that I understand her. In this explanation, it may seem that I am always defending her and neglecting myself, but I hold the belief that love is about tolerance and understanding, and there have been many moments that I haven’t been very understanding or thoughtful towards her feelings, too, that she must have also felt neglected by me, too.
Even to me, occasionally, like the above, my thoughts and thinking can somewhat become very complicated, and trying to iron it out can become a very daunting task. But there is this one thing that we always forget when we face complicated situations like these, that is, as long as both of us love each other with all our heart, we would be able to sail through even the most treacherous trench without a wobble.
I really do love Carmille very, very much.
In my past nineteen years of being Kean Lee, of my eyes witnessing so many things before me, I have grown so much, learnt so much, and experienced so many things that have made the personality I, Kean Lee, has today. And it is because of these different things that we experience everyday, it is only natural they make little changes in us as time goes on.
This year alone, with the passing of almost seven months, occurred to me turning points in life that have made me learnt so many new things. And just moments ago, I reflected on the Kean Lee one year ago, and the Kean Lee at this very moment, and saw that the two images are no longer alike. They are now irrelevant, incomparable states of happiness. The personality of me a year ago lives a life that is dependent on my pasts, and I live in my memories that I keep so very close to my heart. But now, I am no longer like that. Now I’m living a life dependable on the present moment, and it seems that my history isn’t anymore for me, a reason to keep living, but rather it now becomes a teacher that guides me whenever I encounter the same problems.
Because of this, today, I have decided to dissolve the attachment that I have for my pasts. It is not that I’m still clinging on to this attachment before today, because in fact, since the very moment that I started to think of Carmille when I return home from college, that was already the beginning where I started to drop my clinging to my pasts. But it is today, that I make myself clear to my very self, that I completely allow the strings holding-on to my pasts to be released.
Although I have always known and been told that I should be living in this present moment rather than the past or the future, it has been hard for me before this, because of the attachment I have for my pasts. But now that I have something on to hold-on to, and it has taken priority over my pasts that I start my reason of living because of this love I have for Carmille, my pasts now become irrelevant in my life. And I’m very, very happy that I love Carmille so very much.
This post probably marks the beginning of a lesser frequency of me blogging because… I’m going to move into my college’s hostel today.
There are many reasons of me moving into hostel. But the two main reasons is because I would want to spend more time with Carmille, because she, too, lives in the hostel, and also that I want to have a greater focus on my academic studies. These two reasons may seem contradicting, but because of my priorities, both of us have devised that studying together will bring us both closer together, and at the same time, helping one another out in our academics.
I know to many, the news of me moving into hostel comes a shocking news. But the part that I, Kean Lee, have got to play is big. There are many considerations, compromises, and sacrifices that I have made to come to this decision. And it has occasionally come to me the selfish thought that I hope she would realise the things that I have done, but I would always remind myself that, that isn’t the point, and it is selfish to even have thought about it, because it should be that as long as she’s happy, that would in turn make me happy. It’s not a matter of hoping that she will realise things or understand, but it matters most that I understand her. In this explanation, it may seem that I am always defending her and neglecting myself, but I hold the belief that love is about tolerance and understanding, and there have been many moments that I haven’t been very understanding or thoughtful towards her feelings, too, that she must have also felt neglected by me, too.
Even to me, occasionally, like the above, my thoughts and thinking can somewhat become very complicated, and trying to iron it out can become a very daunting task. But there is this one thing that we always forget when we face complicated situations like these, that is, as long as both of us love each other with all our heart, we would be able to sail through even the most treacherous trench without a wobble.
I really do love Carmille very, very much.
Sunday, 21 June 2009
Loving with All I Can
Saturday, 20/06/09
“Dear… dear…… dear………” she called out to me softly, while I was dreaming away.
“Mmm…?” I turned to look at her when I realised that she was calling me, and smiled at her with love, then held on to her hands.
She looked me in the eyes with a really beautiful and soft gaze. She paused. “I love you…” she said to me.
My heart mellowed at that very instant upon hearing those words from her, I felt as if nothing else in the world mattered anymore, except for her, and that moment of us together. “I love you too” I said to her.
This isn’t the first time that we voiced out words of affection towards one another, but whenever we do, it always, always, touches my heart.
There are still many things that I’ve done with her, which is a memory of us experiencing it for the first time in our relationship, such as the beginning of our relationship, the first time we held hands together, and the first time we hugged, that I’ve yet to put it down here, in words, so that I’ll never forget these first-time moments. But it also is likely that it’ll not show up in this blog, because it is to us, a memory that only both of us are supposed to know; a memory so pure, so beautiful… and personal.
Yes, it is true that, a relationship is another thing added to your life. But to me, it is one of the most, most important thing in my life, that I want to put my whole-self in it.
Love as if you’ve never loved before. Love with all your heart. Because if you put all your heart in a love, your heart will be so moved, that sometimes you’ll cry, not because you’re sad, but because you can physically, and emotionally feel that your heart is so immensely filled with feelings of love and comfort. And this is what I’m feeling now, so on the verge of tears, because I feel so touched by the love I have for Carmille. I want to love her with every part in me, and with everything that I’ve got.
Today marks the ninth time that we went out together. It seems that in every time that we go out together, it is beautifully different, that we go to different places, or that we experience new things… and in every time, it is a different memory, etched so deeply in our hearts.
“Dear… dear…… dear………” she called out to me softly, while I was dreaming away.
“Mmm…?” I turned to look at her when I realised that she was calling me, and smiled at her with love, then held on to her hands.
She looked me in the eyes with a really beautiful and soft gaze. She paused. “I love you…” she said to me.
My heart mellowed at that very instant upon hearing those words from her, I felt as if nothing else in the world mattered anymore, except for her, and that moment of us together. “I love you too” I said to her.
This isn’t the first time that we voiced out words of affection towards one another, but whenever we do, it always, always, touches my heart.
There are still many things that I’ve done with her, which is a memory of us experiencing it for the first time in our relationship, such as the beginning of our relationship, the first time we held hands together, and the first time we hugged, that I’ve yet to put it down here, in words, so that I’ll never forget these first-time moments. But it also is likely that it’ll not show up in this blog, because it is to us, a memory that only both of us are supposed to know; a memory so pure, so beautiful… and personal.
Yes, it is true that, a relationship is another thing added to your life. But to me, it is one of the most, most important thing in my life, that I want to put my whole-self in it.
Love as if you’ve never loved before. Love with all your heart. Because if you put all your heart in a love, your heart will be so moved, that sometimes you’ll cry, not because you’re sad, but because you can physically, and emotionally feel that your heart is so immensely filled with feelings of love and comfort. And this is what I’m feeling now, so on the verge of tears, because I feel so touched by the love I have for Carmille. I want to love her with every part in me, and with everything that I’ve got.
Today marks the ninth time that we went out together. It seems that in every time that we go out together, it is beautifully different, that we go to different places, or that we experience new things… and in every time, it is a different memory, etched so deeply in our hearts.
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