Friday, 27 February 2015

Memories of You.

Accidentally clicking on your profile...seeing your picture; you smiling...

...and just today when I went back to college to hand-in the last and final part of my thesis...

...and I almost bumped into your classmates...

...and I'm reminded of you.

Can a person be so cruel? So cruel to call it all off when it hasn't even started? When there wasn't any chance?

Xin Er, moments after moments, I am surprised by the new emotions that I'm experiencing. Missing you have been a great pain for me.

Meeting you...have been a great pain for me.

Loving you......

...has scarred me badly.

And missing you...wondering if you ever spared a thought for me...wondering...wondering...always wondering. Will it ever change anything with all these wonderings?

And writings...it will never get to you. "Does it matter?" I ask myself this question so often. What truly is the purpose to continue on if it isn't for love..? If it isn't for...feelings...? If it isn't for you?

Why is there so much attachment towards you? Shouldn't there be an end already? Three months. Now its four months. Will you ever have the privilege to experience love like how I did? ...because if you will...you will stop at where you're at. Your career ambition of being a clinical psychologist...your views on your character and yourself...your expectations...

...they...won't matter anymore.

Erasing you is the hardest part. Everywhere is you. Thank you. Thank you for once having feelings for me. I will always, always...remember you.

Saturday, 21 February 2015

One Year Later

Today is the second day of Chinese New Year. Returning to the usual annual CNY reunion at my relatives place, I did my usual greetings to everyone...

...but I noticed that there was a difference.

A difference as compared to a year ago. I was seemingly more open, bold, and was better at tackling questions from my relatives. I didn't seem like my usual self like the years before...even one year ago, there wasn't so much difference in me. It was like a whole new person who I myself almost didn't recognize. The feeling was very odd, it was me there, but it didn't feel familiar that it was me there.

I then recall that a year ago, I hadn't start my clinical practicum yet. Also, things were then, running smoothly for Carmille and I. And of course...I had not met Xin yet. So uneventful was a year ago that kept me unchanged for years. It is unbelievable how much things have changed just a short span of a year. Difficult it is to see how much change one year would have on me.

Year 2014 had really been a challenge for me. The last was in year 2007 and 08. I now chuckle at how much I've changed over the last year. I miss Carmille. She deserves someone better than me. She is so capable, so much of a heart of love to give...so much that I think I know that I will regret not getting back together with her when I see her with another new person one day.

As for Xin...as much as I deny my feelings...but of course...I am missing her, too. Letting Carmille go because of Xin, as I didn't want to two-time Carmille, and not being able to get with Xin...what can I say? Because of Xin, I am now disenchanted with relationships, for the moment.

Ahhh....I just cannot wrap my hear around the very fact that so much had happened in one year. What makes it more unbelievable is that I have changed so drastically in a year. And in one year...I have lost both Carmille and Xin, both in the last quarter of the year.

"I will remember you forever" I told Xin, in the car on the day she passed me the Letter.

"Me too." she replied.

I have created, and have left too much memories here in Malaysia. There are just too many memories that I can associate with heartbreaks here. For others, it would just be another chapter in life, and with the passing of moments, it will only dawn upon them that it is time to move on. As for me, I have planned on emigrating out of this place that's filled with too much memories. I am going to Hong Kong.

Carmille...thank for you for everything that you've done. You cannot imagine how sorry I am towards you. I deserve so much punishment for causing you so much hurt in our relationship. No, I do not want to think of the wrongs that you've faulted, but only for my mistakes. You have been my everything. Your love and affection...I know...will never be filled by anyone else. I want you to know that during the years that I loved you, I have been sincere. It still stands true that my love for you, you will never understand how much it is. Remember I told you that my love for you is tenfold yours for me? I'm sorry. I will always, always keep you in my heart, and will always, always remember you.

Xin, our 3 months had been short. But our memories seemed to span much more than those mere 3 months. Thank you for making my last moments in college so meaningful, for if it isn't for you, college would just be a mere passing of 4 years to obtain my degree. Thank you for once having feelings for me. In my years of living, not many had shown interest in me. Your feelings for me...and
our 3 months of trying out a potential relationship, I will forever remember this memory.

To the future me who will be reading this in the distant future: You have been though a lot. Remember this one chapter in life that once existed in your life, as much as it had been very painful, those lonely nights, the time spent writing emotional entries like these, those sentimental Jay Chou songs tat accompany your drinking sessions alone...it had been a beautiful memory. Remember that your sadness is just like another page of the many chapter in your life, and when you look back, they look so beautiful...less than a fairy tale, but at least worthy to pen down into a memory. Not many have the opportune to experience such existence. You have been lucky....very lucky to have seen and experience true love. Not everyone gets to experience this. Even Xin, as of recording, hasn't seen this. I know know where you will be in the distant future, but it seems like you'll be in HK when you reread this post. Just remember who you are...the Kean Lee who can give so much love...who is selfless. Forget your ego. And just be selfless...to your patients...to those who might express interest in you...give them the attention for which they crave, as disenchanted as you are..as painful as you feel...provide them with something that you have always longed for but ever able to obtain. Your memories of Xin and Carmille...they will always follow you. They will always be in your heart. Their future partners, you should wish them with happiness wholeheartedly. Xin Er...so much memories...I know. After all, those who have heard about us would shrug off a memory of 3 months. Kean Lee...just remember the mini piano she had given you. Just remember of the memories. Isn't memories the most important thing someone could give to you?


What is success without a happy family? What is success? What do you look forward when you go home? What is left in your memories? What are the songs you listen on your iPod? Xin Er had left me too much memories, as much as heartbreaks. Promises are promises. Xin Er, if you do remember those promises that I've made...I remember them too. It is just that I do not dare to fulfill them given our condition. But of course...I still remember them. You will always take that special place in my heart. And you will always be remembered.

And so is the memory of mine. Silly. I know. This entry is also something that you'll never read. But if you ever do, I guess...it sums up my emotions and feelings.

...the end of another chapter of my life.

Saturday, 25 October 2014

Nimitta

Ti-ratana. All along has been my refuge.

But I am not strong enough. At times I still find myself coming back to alcohol for this temporary refuge, although my conviction in the dhamma has increased many-fold in recent years.

As much I have once declared and believe that this blog is one of my refuge to look to, but it is ironic that I can't post in detail my problem, for various fears. So let this just be a reminder for me in the future, if I'm ever to reread this again the future, I would be reminded of a certain juncture in my life that's worth recollecting.

Samsara - truly a state that I cannot bear repeating. Emotional dukkha. I now am beginning to grasp why the wise mentioned why this state is not worth coming-back to. Angry and disappointed, I am, that how Buddhism proves to be more and more true in my life. Painful is my attachment; truly painful is my realization and kamma. Oh, how I had wished that the dhamma isn't so cruelly true.

Sometimes, I think of wanting to end this whole dukkha altogether. But its my undying attachment that pulls me back. But only when I'm on alcohol, all delusional, I feel that it all worth it -  to let go. I've had enough. I'm sure my previous-selves have also had enough of this crap. In a delusional state, I think to myself, enough is enough.