Tuesday, 5 May 2015

If it hadn't been.

Regret. This is something all of us don't want to experience. Memories of you...the many years together, is everywhere I go, every breath I take, every moment I close my eyes. I recall the moments where we were walking together with Jodi and Huan Jin in the DKs just outside hostel. I remember asking them if they were together, since they look so close to one another, sharing laughters and so many moments together.

Memories. I use to treasure them a lot, as much as it can be double-edged sword. My entire life has been built on this recollection of pasts. A good part of these memories are painful ones, because, sometimes I make the most terrible mistakes of all. But as bad the mistakes that I've made, I always emerge more mature after crossing the finishing line. Teary, looking back, mistakes made, a sorrowful regret...what can I do?

Saying that we should break-up...leaving you...had been one of my greatest mistake that I'd ever made. After going for another person of whom I thought more worthy, only I was made to realize that I'd just let-go what I'd always been dreaming of. Sometimes, one wrong move scars our entire life. And this is one wrong move that has, and will continue to shape my future.

Carmille, my sorry towards you for the things I had done can never be enough. So much writings in this blog over these many, many years, you would think I have developed a certain maturity to have evaded grave mistakes like these. I thought so too. I am disappointed at myself. The only thing I am left to feel now is guilt, the feeling of missing you, the feeling of wanting to turn back time. I love you, Carmille.

Sunday, 26 April 2015

Crossroads of Pain

I'm nearing the end of my two week stay in Hong Kong. With so much recent happenings, I came here with the intention to run away from the place where I had made the most memories, because...all those recollections wherever I go stings very badly. I wanted to escape reality, escape my memory, to come here to find a job for a few years, work hard, and try to let the dust of memories settle down in the meantime.

Having been here for almost two weeks, initially, it was difficult. There was still an attachment...a strong attachment to home. Then I reminded myself why I had chosen to come here...closing my eyes, biting my lips, I endured and let the feeling of giving-up slip pass me. And right now, I find myself getting used to the life here, to the efficient and highly reliable transportation, the place, the people, language, food, cost of living...

As I notice how subconsciously I'm beginning to feel comfortable and assimilating into a place that I'll soon call home, ironically, my heart starts to feel a little doubt. Doubt if this is the right thing to do, doubt if I should be staying here... I'm not sure if I should believe that it's just homesick, like everyone says, or if its because of the predicament that I'm in.

And the predicament is that of the feeling that I want to go back to Carmille. As much as I had initially tried to lie to myself that my feelings for her is less than love, but more than as a good friend, I realize that I still think and worry of her too much. She is everywhere in my memory. Peering in further, I then realized I was just pulling a curtain over my true feelings for her. In the attempts to shrug of thoughts of her, I tried imagining myself with someone else, but I see that regardless of who I would be with, my relationship with Carmille had been too long...too much...too deep...........and have been too beautiful that I would never be able to forget her; that I will always have feelings for her, and hence will always be comparing Carmille to my future partner. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to live a life full of regret. I don't want to lose a person whom I truly love, a person who truly understands me, and a person that I have never met that is ever so patient with me.

I tell myself that it would be okay if I don't get a job here in Hong Kong, because I would stand a higher chance of scoring a happier relationship back home. We know what they all say about Hong Kong girls and their materialistic behavior. If I'll be bonded here for a number of years, the pay would be good, but my priority of a happy relationship won't be fulfilled. It is for me to choose now, whether if I risk working here for a better pay, or back home with bad pay but good prospects of fulfilling my life's priorities. After all, money doesn't drive me. Money cannot, and will never be my priority. Money...cannot buy me happiness. A happy family is everything to me. Money can only buy me a shelter and life's necessities.

It is I who was wrong to have wronged Carmille. Even if we ever get back, or that she had already forgiven me, I would never be able to forgive myself. My conscience would never allow that. Especially so much so that I always remind Carmille about loyalty, but it was I who went against my own words.

I will attempt to win her back. But if I ever fail, I will have to accept that it is my kamma. We are heirs to our kamma. Loving Carmille had never been a mistake. Having feelings for her...had been so much of a blessing. Carmille is my everything, and will always...always be my everything.

Looking back at my life's timeline is like overlooking a city's shimmering lights from atop a hill. Some parts are full of beautiful lights, some of them less, with occasionally scattered shimmer standing out in the surrounding darkness. That's life - some beautiful parts, some difficult parts. It's amazing to recall how much I'd walked during my growing years.

Oh yes, now I recall, the last time I was here was in the year-end of 2007. That was...8 years ago. That was a long time ago. Recalling my pasts, this blog had existed since that time, and I remember returning to write a few posts when I was here. Ironic to realize that it seems that then and now didn't seem too different after all - that I'm here writing because of heartbreaks. Eight years is a long time. Eight years is a very long time to not have made any progress in my life's priority - a happy and contented relationship...a partner that I can come home to hug, to tell her the day's happenings, to cuddle and enjoy a movie together...to wish her goodnight, sweet dreams, and I love you.


Monday, 6 April 2015

It's Been Awhile

"記住了, 就是永遠.
結束了, 就是開始."

-16個夏天

The first week of April is almost over. Time passes so fast; so fast that I struggle to catch-up with the times.

Xin, I don't know how long it's been since we last met, where you passed me the handwritten letter telling that she should just remain as good friends instead. I just didn't want to count or be reminded how much time had passed. But what I know is that I feel that quite a bit of time had passed since then.

Do I miss you? Have I ever spared a thought for you since our ending? Have I regretted over the things I'd done? Yes. So very much. I used to tell myself that things would've probably pass quickly since nothing much really started in between us anyway, in addition to the short three months that we were close together. But sitting here today, with so much time had passed in between, I think starting to think that I was wrong to have thought that way because I still do think of you, and the my feelings...didn't change too much with the passing of time.

As for Carmille, words cannot describe how much emotions have went through me during this period of time. Imagining your future that you've finally found a person who you would be willing to open your heart to, to start a new relationship with, comforts me. When that time times, as much as I would feel sad on my part, but I would sincerely feel happy for you; happy that you'd finally open up your heart after being hurt by me, and would give another chance to love again, to find someone better than a bastard like me. I would always love you. And you will always be inside my heart. Your tracks in my life cannot be erased, and I will never want it to be erased from my history. You know me best....you know how much memories mean to me. Thank you Carmille; sorry for all I've hurt you. Please, don't forgive me, because I broke your heart, and my promises towards you.

Life..doesn't run in a parallel system. The mistakes we make, cannot be backtracked. A lot of times, we cannot repair our mistakes. We can only repent and learn not to repeat them. Its ironic that in our countless times of rebirth, we still repeat the same old mistakes. Regret...is what we carry with us throughout our entire lifetime, an indelible dark spot in our life's history, hurtful when reminded, especially if its love.

A relationship...a partner to love...a wife to come home to...is it something so difficult to obtain? Why do I seem like such a failure in this lifetime? A loving husband, with a history of hurt, and having learnt how to love...is this my fate? Envy is all that I see on the streets where everyone is seemingly attached, whereas I am only attached to the feelings of love and memories.

This blog, has always been quiet. Today, it  no longer receive any readers. Its like a very patient person, with a great listening ear...willing to listen to my heart, of which I have always been very grateful of. Life hasn't been too reliable for me, but this writing space had always been here for me when I need it. Crying, writing, loving, feelings...thank you for having never let me down before.

"Doesn't matter lah, if I die. No one will care anyway." I told Hong, a good friend my mine.

 I had thought long and hard about that. About perishing without a trace. And I've finally come to the conclusion that it's okay. With so, so much heartache, an ending would seem the only way to close the many bitter chapters of life. With the bitterness of depression experienced many years ago that changed so much of the views of my life, it had changed my all-time thought that suicide or death is foolish. It is not foolish. For those who think it's foolish, they have never been there. And there is no need to waste any time explaining to them why it isn't foolish, because they'd ever tasted the bitterness that changed my perceptions that I used to hold before. Depression and suicide requires empathy. There is nothing more to that. It ends there, a period, without explanation.

Xin and Carmille may be my very last. An emotional person like me, as much as a relationship is always a priority in my life, cannot afford any more heartbreaks. I can take no more. As for Xin, lets just assume that I've made one of the greatest mistakes in my life, which has caused to me to give-up any more hope in the future. To harp on a hope to be with someone, just because a relationship is everything for me...I think that's just missing the whole point. Happiness...isn't that everything? You, me, I, myself...aren't these labels of a 'self' we identify with, and which with constantly try to please this 'self'? How about to love someone without necessarily being together with them? After all, that is love, right...to give...to feel that we love them...to wish for their happiness?