Saturday, 25 October 2014

Nimitta

Ti-ratana. All along has been my refuge.

But I am not strong enough. At times I still find myself coming back to alcohol for this temporary refuge, although my conviction in the dhamma has increased many-fold in recent years.

As much I have once declared and believe that this blog is one of my refuge to look to, but it is ironic that I can't post in detail my problem, for various fears. So let this just be a reminder for me in the future, if I'm ever to reread this again the future, I would be reminded of a certain juncture in my life that's worth recollecting.

Samsara - truly a state that I cannot bear repeating. Emotional dukkha. I now am beginning to grasp why the wise mentioned why this state is not worth coming-back to. Angry and disappointed, I am, that how Buddhism proves to be more and more true in my life. Painful is my attachment; truly painful is my realization and kamma. Oh, how I had wished that the dhamma isn't so cruelly true.

Sometimes, I think of wanting to end this whole dukkha altogether. But its my undying attachment that pulls me back. But only when I'm on alcohol, all delusional, I feel that it all worth it -  to let go. I've had enough. I'm sure my previous-selves have also had enough of this crap. In a delusional state, I think to myself, enough is enough.

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

A little medicine

Relationship is like an ill person. And and ill person, at different times, is struck with different severity of pain due to his illness.

I am an ill person. At this moment, my pain is great. My pain feels like it is tearing me apart in the heart.

And the medication to this illness is love. For a very sick man, he would need to take his medications every few hours. And that is how I feel, too. I need her attention and consoling every few moments, to make me feel less painful.

Perhaps she doesn't understand this. Perhaps, the person whom I've loved all this while isn't so emotionally sensitive and mature to see this.

Perhaps she cannot meet this need of mine.

But...does that all matter? This is the question I ask myself everytime when I feel this way about us. But again and again, the returning voice in my head have always been repeating the same answer to me: I love her so much, and that is all that matters, nothing more.

Saturday, 9 November 2013

Revisiting past emotions


Turning up the music, tears running down my cheeks, to cover the sounds of my cries.

Yesterday was so beautiful. It was so beautiful that I was so scared it was my last memories with her. I kept rewriting the moments that flowed past, in my heart frantically, not wanting to forget the memories if it was truly my last, hoping with all I can on the other hand that we would be together forever.

I couldn't open my mouth to ask her if she would spend the night with me tonight, or that if tomorrow, Sunday, she would spend some time with me, because I don't want to rob her of her church duties, for which she found a renewed relationship with God.

I want her to know that there is God, but not to forget us. Not to forget that how much we have put into this relationship together...how much I have put into us together.

All this has been very unjust towards me. I have put all my heart and soul into our relationship because of the heartbreaks that I experienced before Carmille. Because, I don't want to fall into the same black hole that I fell into many years ago. But I never knew that I'd feel the same again when I'm in this relationship...

...that, I am starting to revisit the old feelings of myself in the past. I feel that I'm slowly slipping into a depression again, because I am starting to feel my heart freezing up again.

And it was this same girl who's heart has thawed mine from a freeze, to be willing to open up once more.

I want to bring her to my place, to reopen the stashed away box of our college and hostel memories. I want to renew our memories of how much we loved each other in the past.

And to watch a Millionaire's First Love again.

The lyrics of Jay Chou's "Everywhere is You" was, word for word, describing my feelings now. Such a fantasy from a drama...a movie, or an music-video should never have happened to me, I thought.

There are just so many things that is running inside my head right now. So much that meditation is so much of a help to keep the deafening noise and feelings running in my heart. So much so that at times, I find myself breaking down uncontrollably in the most inconvenient times. And at times, I no longer feel anything more but just sadness...not even embarrassment to keep the burst of tears in front of strangers that would stare at me.

There is only so much a person a can take before his pot of emotions overflow. Mine is at the brim already. Threatening to spill over anytime.

All I wish is for us to keep strong together. All I wish is that we will remain together.