My Pasts

Sunday, 28/06/09

In my past nineteen years of being Kean Lee, of my eyes witnessing so many things before me, I have grown so much, learnt so much, and experienced so many things that have made the personality I, Kean Lee, has today. And it is because of these different things that we experience everyday, it is only natural they make little changes in us as time goes on.

This year alone, with the passing of almost seven months, occurred to me turning points in life that have made me learnt so many new things. And just moments ago, I reflected on the Kean Lee one year ago, and the Kean Lee at this very moment, and saw that the two images are no longer alike. They are now irrelevant, incomparable states of happiness. The personality of me a year ago lives a life that is dependent on my pasts, and I live in my memories that I keep so very close to my heart. But now, I am no longer like that. Now I’m living a life dependable on the present moment, and it seems that my history isn’t anymore for me, a reason to keep living, but rather it now becomes a teacher that guides me whenever I encounter the same problems.

Because of this, today, I have decided to dissolve the attachment that I have for my pasts. It is not that I’m still clinging on to this attachment before today, because in fact, since the very moment that I started to think of Carmille when I return home from college, that was already the beginning where I started to drop my clinging to my pasts. But it is today, that I make myself clear to my very self, that I completely allow the strings holding-on to my pasts to be released.

Although I have always known and been told that I should be living in this present moment rather than the past or the future, it has been hard for me before this, because of the attachment I have for my pasts. But now that I have something on to hold-on to, and it has taken priority over my pasts that I start my reason of living because of this love I have for Carmille, my pasts now become irrelevant in my life. And I’m very, very happy that I love Carmille so very much.

This post probably marks the beginning of a lesser frequency of me blogging because… I’m going to move into my college’s hostel today.

There are many reasons of me moving into hostel. But the two main reasons is because I would want to spend more time with Carmille, because she, too, lives in the hostel, and also that I want to have a greater focus on my academic studies. These two reasons may seem contradicting, but because of my priorities, both of us have devised that studying together will bring us both closer together, and at the same time, helping one another out in our academics.

I know to many, the news of me moving into hostel comes a shocking news. But the part that I, Kean Lee, have got to play is big. There are many considerations, compromises, and sacrifices that I have made to come to this decision. And it has occasionally come to me the selfish thought that I hope she would realise the things that I have done, but I would always remind myself that, that isn’t the point, and it is selfish to even have thought about it, because it should be that as long as she’s happy, that would in turn make me happy. It’s not a matter of hoping that she will realise things or understand, but it matters most that I understand her. In this explanation, it may seem that I am always defending her and neglecting myself, but I hold the belief that love is about tolerance and understanding, and there have been many moments that I haven’t been very understanding or thoughtful towards her feelings, too, that she must have also felt neglected by me, too.

Even to me, occasionally, like the above, my thoughts and thinking can somewhat become very complicated, and trying to iron it out can become a very daunting task. But there is this one thing that we always forget when we face complicated situations like these, that is, as long as both of us love each other with all our heart, we would be able to sail through even the most treacherous trench without a wobble.

I really do love Carmille very, very much.

Loving with All I Can

Saturday, 20/06/09

“Dear… dear…… dear………” she called out to me softly, while I was dreaming away.
“Mmm…?” I turned to look at her when I realised that she was calling me, and smiled at her with love, then held on to her hands.
She looked me in the eyes with a really beautiful and soft gaze. She paused. “I love you…” she said to me.
My heart mellowed at that very instant upon hearing those words from her, I felt as if nothing else in the world mattered anymore, except for her, and that moment of us together. “I love you too” I said to her.

This isn’t the first time that we voiced out words of affection towards one another, but whenever we do, it always, always, touches my heart.

There are still many things that I’ve done with her, which is a memory of us experiencing it for the first time in our relationship, such as the beginning of our relationship, the first time we held hands together, and the first time we hugged, that I’ve yet to put it down here, in words, so that I’ll never forget these first-time moments. But it also is likely that it’ll not show up in this blog, because it is to us, a memory that only both of us are supposed to know; a memory so pure, so beautiful… and personal.

Yes, it is true that, a relationship is another thing added to your life. But to me, it is one of the most, most important thing in my life, that I want to put my whole-self in it.

Love as if you’ve never loved before. Love with all your heart. Because if you put all your heart in a love, your heart will be so moved, that sometimes you’ll cry, not because you’re sad, but because you can physically, and emotionally feel that your heart is so immensely filled with feelings of love and comfort. And this is what I’m feeling now, so on the verge of tears, because I feel so touched by the love I have for Carmille. I want to love her with every part in me, and with everything that I’ve got.

Today marks the ninth time that we went out together. It seems that in every time that we go out together, it is beautifully different, that we go to different places, or that we experience new things… and in every time, it is a different memory, etched so deeply in our hearts.

Place in my heart

Sunday, 14/06/09

Helloes blog. I’m starting to wonder that if you’re losing a place in my heart because of a very special person who appeared in my life just recently. Even with the many things spilled in words, onto you, but it seems that I have been more open with her, and telling her more things than writing in this blog. And although she is someone who I will run when I need a person to seek solace in, this blog also still remains this place that offers just a listening ear, giving no advice, no comments, and no replies, whenever I seek solace in this blog.

Kean Lee, there are many things I want to remind you about, because even so as you know, and as much as you try to keep these virtues close to heart, but when these things come to you, you seem to lose yourself.

First is that I should have a very understanding mind. I find myself wondering into the different reasons of some things that I expect, but don’t turn out as I expect it to become. For instance, I would expect a person to do something, but that person doesn’t do it at all, only to make me sit there, wondering of why that person didn’t do that certain thing. It is mind-boggling. But as I realise my silliness, I am remembered that the reason I feel all uneasy and unsettled when someone disappoints me is because I have put in too much hope. I need to remind myself that people don’t always do things in ways that I would expect it, because they have their own reasons to it. That person might be busy, that’s why that person didn’t reply to my text message. I don’t have to get all cooked-up about this…

Second, is that I should do things in moderation. Founding something that I like and grown an attachment so strong towards it, shouldn’t mean that I spend all my time with that particular subject. In life, there are many things. And out of these many things in life, there are only a very few that appear to us as our priorities. I feel that there are a few priorities that I have been paying less attention that supposed to, as of late. And it is high time that I see myself falling back into position of where I’m supposed to be, before I lose myself.

Third, is that I should worry less, and have trust. Having expectations and hopes, causes me to expect for certain things to happen, as though these things that I expect is something of nature that will happen naturally, and this forces me to worry about why and the reasons if some things do not turn out as I thought it would be. This point ties well with the first point in the above, but are two separate entities of qualities that I need to reinforce in myself. Have trust Kean Lee, it is the full-stop to all doubts. It is the essence to a relationship.

And as for now, I’m feeling frustrated of some petty things, that I wonder why should I even feel negative about things life this. I really need to be strong as I have always been, getting back on my two feet, fighting together with Carmille in a life that’s full of challenges, and that will build a bond between me and her, so inseparable till the end of time.